The Sneaky Stuff Scandal
IN A SMALL, DARK ROOM ARE FOUR FIGURES, THREE STANDING WHILE ONE SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM ALL. NOTHING BUT MUFFLED VOICES AND SHUFFLING FEET ARE HEARD… UNTIL YOU GET A LITTLE CLOSER…
Voice #1: …Now come on now… Just talk already.
Voice #2: Please. We don’t want to be forced to use force. *grins evily even though its much too dark for you to see it*
Voice #3: …
Voice #1: I’ll take off the tape as long as you promise to talk… all right? Scream and it goes back on. Not to mention…
Voice #2: …we’ll have to kill you. *cocks gun and keeps smiling*
Voice #3: *turns on a bright light and shines it directly into the green, now instantly bloodshot eyes of Bethany, who is tied up and her mouth is covered with duct tape*
Voice #1: I’m going to take off the tape now.
Voice #2: Scream and die. *holds the freshly cocked .22 to Bethany’s blonde head*
Voice #3: *watches calmly*
Voice #1: Reno… Cut out the crap.
Reno: Awe! Elena, you just blew my cover! Plus… I’m having fun! *looks back to Bethany and pushes the gun harder against her head* Say my name, bi-
Elena: RENO!
Reno: Come on, Elena! Rude… you tell her.
Rude: …
Reno: …or not. I don’t care.
Elena: *rolls her eyes and then gingerly rips the duct tape off of Bethany’s mouth*
Bethany: OW!!!!
Reno: We said not to scream! Now I get to blow your brains out!
Rude: *takes the gun from Reno*
Reno: …eh… hey! Rude! I… *whimpers* Its not fair!
Elena: Thanks Rude. Now… Bethany. Its your choice. You can talk… or we get your page. Simple as that.
Bethany: I… I… I’ll never say a word!
Reno: *perks up* Haha! We get the page! We get the page!
Rude: …
Elena: Are you sure? Its… a big, big page.
Reno: She said she wouldn’t talk. Now let’s fix this page up a bit… hehe…
Elena: Cause who knows what Reno will do to it…
Reno: How bout… ‘Reno’s Free Explicit Porn’… How’s that sound?
Bethany: *breaks down crying* Okay! FINE! I’ll talk… just… no porn! Please!
Reno: *gets all disappointed*
Rude: …*thinks a minute and then shrugs*
Elena: *grabs a pencil and paper* Okay… speak.
Bethany: It… it was a dark and stormy night… I couldn’t see anything… and… it was all orange… I don’t know why…
Elena: It was snowing. And… you had your goggles on.
Bethany: Yeah, well, since you put it that way… I was snowboarding… You know.
Elena: Go on…
Bethany: The last thing I remember… was, uh… *mumbles a few words*
Rude: *gently tilts Bethany’s head back and holds a very long, extremely sharp knife in front of her face and begins to lower it towards her neck*
Bethany: Sephiroth! It was Sephiroth… He took it! All of it! In a big, huge sleigh! A bunch of… stuff!
Rude: *let’s go and pulls knife away*
Elena: *nods and puts pen and paper away*
Bethany: *cries hysterically* He’s… he’s gonna… come and kill me! He’s gonna kill me! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Reno: *jumps on Bethany’s lap and smiles devilishly* I’ll sit right here and protect you, baby…
Elena: Reno, get off of her.
Reno: I don’t wanna.
Rude: *grabs Reno and removes him in the most painful way possible*
Reno: *whimpers and crawls to a corner*
Elena: Calm down. You’re not out of the hole yet, Bethany.
Bethany: *whimpers a little as well*
Elena: What did Sephiroth do with the… stuff?
Bethany: *shifts her eyes from Elena to Rude and then back to Elena* I don’t know.
Rude: *reaches into his coat jacket*
Bethany: *freaks out* HE TOOK IT ALL WITH HIM TO THE NORTHERN CRATER!!!
Rude: *smiles slightly as he pulls out a glasses cleaning rag and then turns to clean his sunglasses*
Bethany: *nearly passes out and slinks down in the chair*
Elena: I see… Very good.
Reno: Can I have her when you guys are done?
Elena: No.
Reno: *mumbles something unintelligible and cuddles with himself in his corner*
Rude: *turns around and replaces the rag in his jacket and then walks behind Bethany, placing a firm hand on her shoulder*
Elena: Reno, come with me.
Reno: Why can’t I watch her???
Rude: *shrugs*
Elena: Cause I said so.
Reno: *grumbles and follows Elena unwillingly*
Elena: *opens the door and then turns* Rude… if she gives you too much trouble… *makes a ‘gun to the head’ motion and nods*
Reno: Yeah! Blast her brains out!
Rude: *nods slightly*
Bethany: *gulps, watching the two Turks leave then hesitantly looks at Rude*
Rude: *looks down at Bethany silently with a very stern look on his face*
Bethany: …great.
AS THE TURKS ARRIVE IN THEIR LAND ROVER AT THE NORTHERN CRATER WHERE SEPHIROTH NOW RESIDES WITH ‘THE GOODS’
Elena: *jumps out* Maybe we should call for back up…
Reno: *gets out* Uh… what kinda back up? We’re the last of the Turks, Elena.
Elena: *grabs him by the collar and begins to panick* We can’t be the last! Don’t say that Reno! What happens if Sephirot resists! What if he tries to fight back! If there’s no back up… We’re doomed! It’ll be the end of us!
Reno: *nods casually, shrugs her off and grabs a gun* Let’s just hope that’s not the case…
Elena: *trembling, grabs a gun also*
Sephiroth: *sits on his chocobo upholstered couch and sings along to The Little Mermaid Sing Along Songs*
Reno: *shudders at the site*
Elena: *coughs*
Sephiroth: The door’s open… I mean… WHAT UNWORTHY INFADELS DARE ENTER MY GODLY DOMAIN?!?!?!
Reno: We’ve come here to get the stuff you have that doesn’t rightly belong to you.
Elena: *nods slightly, standing behind Reno*
Sephiroth: Oh… Well, uh… sure. In that case, follow me.
Reno: *follows Sephiroth*
Elena: *follows Reno hesitantly*
Sephiroth: *looks at a door labeled ‘STUFF THAT DOESN’T RIGHTLY BELONG TO ME’ and grabs the handle with one hand, and a large Gladiator shield with the other*
Reno: *reads the sign and smirks* Bingo.
Elena: *looks at the door and giggles*
Sephiroth: *holds the shield up in front of himself and opens the door*
Reno: *gazes inside and then looks at Sephiroth, then back inside*
Elena: *stands there waiting for something to happen*
BACK AT THE TINY DARK ROOM WHERE RUDE HOLDS BETHANY AT HIS VERY MERCY…
Rude: *smirks as his fingers wrap around his .22 and lowers his hand until it is directly in the bright light of the lamp*
Bethany: *bites her lip uncertain and then smiles brightly* It’s a …a bunny!
Rude: *smiles, looking at his shadow animal on one wall of the tiny room and nods approvingly*
Bethany: Cool! Okay, now, its MY turn!
WHERE OUR VIEWERS, ER… READERS LIE IN SUSPENCE AT SEPHIROTH’S LAIR IN THE NORTHERN CRATER… AND FOR SOME ODD REASON, THE CHARACTERS’ VOICES HAVE GONE OUT OF SYNC AND EVERYTHING IS BLACK AND WHITE LIKE IN AN OLD GODZILLA MOVIE…
Sephiroth: *smirks*
Reno: *pricks his ears and looks at Elena* …you… he-ar dat?
Elena: *puts a hand up to her ear* He-ar wh-aa?
Reno: *shouts while frantically waving his arms and sounding sorta japanese* Loo-ook! In da clos-et! Is uh ti-dal waa-aave!
Elena: *yells something in another language and shakes her head as a huge tidal wave of junk rises above their heads*
Sephiroth: *simply hold the gladiator shield in front of him and laughs like a japanese mad man*
Reno: *gets covered with stuff*
Elena: *gets covered with stuff also*
Sephiroth: *shrugs, lying his shield down and puts the Godzilla movie on and jumps on the couch*
BACK WHERE BETHANY IS HELD PRISONER BY RUDE…
Bethany: Now, Rude… you shouldn’t hide your feelings.
Rude: *nods*
Bethany: You need to say what you feel. Speak it out.
Rude: *nods*
Bethany: Speak freely and don’t care about what anyone thinks about it!
Rude: *nods*
Bethany: …and right now, I don’t think I’m getting through to you at all Rude… Let’s try another approach, shall we?
Rude: *nods*
ONCE AGAIN, BACK IN THE NORTHERN CRATER WITH SEPHIROTH AND OUR TWO TROUBLESOME TURKS…
Reno: *cough, sputter* Elena!
Elena: …
Reno: *pulling himself out of an avalanche of stuff* Elena! Can you hear me?
Elena: Mgph…
Reno: *starts digging through piles of stuff* Elena! Keep talking!
Elena: Mgph! *sticks a hand up where Reno can see it*
Reno: *grabs Elena’s hand and pulls her from the pile of stuff* You okay?
Elena: *looks at Reno suprised* Why… yes. I’m …I’m fine. I’m glad you asked!
Reno: *pulls Elena into his arms in a tight hug* I thought I had lost you…
Elena: *wraps her arms around Reno and squeezes tightly* Reno…
Reno: *looks into Elena’s eyes and smiles lovingly*
Elena: *looks back into Reno’s eye’s and sighs slightly*
Reno: *leans in for a kiss, putting his hand behind her head*
Elena: *closes her eyes and leans in too*
Reno: *dodges, letting Elena go, and fall into more stuff* Heh… heh…
Elena: *growls getting up, muttering curse words under her breath*
Reno: Now. Back to business. Where was I?
Elena: Looking through all this stuff. *pushes Reno so he falls face first into more stuff*
Reno: *growls* That wasn’t funny.
Elena: Start looking and shut up.
BACK WITH RUDE AND BETHANY, AGAIN…
Bethany: You know Rude… I never knew you had such a hard childhood. *passes him a tissue while grabbing one for herself* But …its so touching how you’ve matured into such an understanding and interesting adult.
Rude: *nods, taking the tissue and wiping under his sunglasses*
Bethany: I’m just so glad that you were able to open up. I didn’t think I’d be able to get through to you. In fact… you probably didn’t think you could either, did you?
Rude: *shakes his head*
Bethany: *smiles satisfied* I feel better; I know that for sure.
…AS RENO AND ELENA SORT THROUGH ‘STUFF’ TRYING TO FIND THAT SPECIAL SOMETHING…
Reno: Why’d you have to join the Turks anyway…
Elena: Why’d you have to be picked leader of the Turks. I would be much better in command…
Reno: Elena, the only thing you’re good for is-
Mysterious Muffled Voice: Mgph!!!
Elena: Did you hear that???
Reno: *shrugs and keeps looking* You’re just a good for nothing-
Mysterious Muffled Voice: AGHMPH!!!
Elena: There it is again!
Reno: Would you just shut up so I can get one good insult in?!
Mysterious Muffled Voice: *sticks a hand out of the stuff* Mggph!!
Elena: Look! Over there! In the stuff!!! A hand!
Reno: …huh? What is this ‘stuff’ anyway?
Elena: I dunno. Whatever it is, it doesn’t belong to Sephiroth…
Mysterious Muffled Voice: AGHMPHAAAA!!!!
Reno: Who’s that?
Elena: I don’t know! But he has a mysterious… muffled voice…
Reno: Gee, maybe cause he’s buried in …stuff.
Elena: …shut up.
Reno: *grabs the hand protruding from all the stuff and pulls out…*
Matt: AAAAAAH! I’ve been stuck in that stuff for months!
Elena: … Matt? You’re the Mysterious Muffled Voice Man?
Matt: …Whaa?
Reno: Well… All we’ve found is Matt. Nothing specific here. All this is is… a buncha stuff. What would anyone want with all of this stuff?
Elena: *looks over on the chocobo upholstered couch where Sephiroth lies, sucking his thumb watching Barney reruns* …eh…
Matt: I think he wants all this stuff… just cause it doesn’t rightly belong to him. Now before he realizes I’m gone again, I’ll be leaving.
Reno: Again? …Are you like his pet or something?
Matt: He just likes torturing me. I don’t get it. But just wait. I’ll get him back. Eventually…
Elena: Yeah. Okay. Well… looks like we’re done here.
Reno: This whole mission was extremely pointless.
Elena: *nods* But we’re Turks without a mission… *sigh*
Reno: True… We need some line of work…
Matt: That’s a great idea… heh heh heh….
Reno: Why do I not like the way he just ‘heh’d’?
Elena: I didn’t either…
Sephiroth: …I love you… you love me… we’re a happy family… with a-
Matt: Show’s almost over guys. I’m out! Later! *runs off really fast*
Reno: *shrugs* Let’s get outta here, Elena.
Elena: All right. I wonder how Bethany and Rude are doing…
BACK IN THE SMALL ROOM, WHICH IS NOW COVERED WITH PILLOWS AND SLEEPING BAGS, BAGS OF OVERLY BUTTERED POPCORN, A FEW BOTTLES OF POP, A COUPLE BOXES OF FATTENING DOUGHNUTS, CHIPS, COOKIES AND A HUGE BIG SCREEN TELEVISION WITH A DVD PLAYER AND A PLAY STATION 2 HOOKED UP… BOTH BETHANY AND RUDE ARE DRESSED IN PRINTED PJS (THE KIND WITH FEETIES)…
Bethany: *shoves a huge handful of popcorn in her mouth and grabs a doughnut and a bottle of pop* Now this is sweet!
Rude: *nods while packing his face full of cookies and trying to rinse it all down with his pop*
Bethany: *while nibbling on a doughnut* Who knew you’d like chic flicks! Oooo… We have some scary stuff next… and there’s some funny stuff here too… hehe. I love movies!
Rude: *points to the scary movie pile while grabbing his own bag of popcorn*
Bethany: Okay, funny movies next! I called Amy, and she should be here any time. Katie and Dana said they’ll be over in a little while too. This is sooo much fun!
Rude: *smiles approvingly*
THE END???
