Tumbrels of Twisted Television Tactics
EVERYONE IS HUDDLED, STARING AT A SMALL TELEVISION SET HOOKED UP TO A NINTENDO IN THE CORNER OF THE BIG COMPFY COUCH ROOM, (AND THEY ALL SEEM TO BE SPEAKING IN LOW, MONOTONED VOICES…)
Matt: Wow.
Reno: This is great.
Bethany: Look at that.
Television: Moo.
Elena: Amazing.
Rude: …
Bethany: Look at it now.
Television: Neigh.
Matt: Neato.
Elena: So wonderful.
Rude: …
Sephiroth: *materializing* What is going on here?
Bethany: Again. Look at it.
Television: Quack.
Matt: Its so simple.
Sephiroth: What is it?
Reno: Animal.
Sephiroth: Animal…? A muppett…?
Rude: … *yawns*
Elena: An RPG.
Sephiroth: You all are acting as if you’ve been put into some kind of trance.
Matt: Trance yeah.
Bethany: Wow. Battle.
Sephiroth: *glances at the TV screen* What is this??
Reno: Fun.
Sephiroth: *puts a hand to Reno’s forehead* Are you all right? Only things dealing with women, as I recall, is considered fun for you Reno.
Bethany: Again. Ha ha.
Sephiroth: This is madness…
Matt: Fun.
Sephiroth: I’m leaving you imbeciles to ponder on what idiots you truly are!
Elena: Bye bye.
Sephiroth: *fumes, vanishing into thin air and reappearing in another room* Cloud! Tifa! How nice to see you both! Care to duel?
Cloud: No.
Sephiroth: Tifa? I promise, I won’t hit below the waist…
Tifa: That’s okay.
Cloud: Look.
Tifa: Wow.
Cloud: Isn’t it great?
Tifa: So much fun too.
Sephiroth: Don’t even tell me you two are doing the same thing… *looks over their shoulders to see them huddled over a small TV connected to a Nintendo* You’re all mad, aren’t you?
Cloud: No.
Tifa: Look again.
Television: Baah.
Sephiroth: I’ve never met such idiots! What is wrong with you? *vanishes once again and reappears in yet another room*
Mog: …
Cait Sith: Its so great.
Television: Oink.
Mog: …*nods*
Cid: It is. &^@#.
Vincent: Impeccably mastered.
Sephiroth: You too? I cannot believe this that I witness! It is pure insanity! *leaves to another room*
Aeris: *sigh*
Sephiroth: Is there a television and Nintendo in here too?
Aeris: Unfortunately no.
Sephiroth: Are you still sane?
Aeris: Yes.
Sephiroth: Well, do you have the slightest idea as to what’s going on here?
Aeris: Yes.
Sephiroth: So… Explain, already!
Aeris: It’s a new video game.
Sephiroth: …and?
Aeris: I want to play too.
Sephiroth: *rolls eyes* That’s all you have to say?
Aeris: I’m dead.
Sephiroth: So? I am too. What’s the deal?
Aeris: I can’t play the game if I’m dead.
Sephiroth: What a pitiful shame.
Aeris: *starts to sob* I want to play too!
Sephiroth: *immediately disappears, entering another room*
Hojo: Mwahaha!
Sephiroth: Hojo?!
Hojo: *cringes* Sephiroth…
Sephiroth: What on this useless Planet is going on here?
Hojo: …H-how should I know?
Sephiroth: Usually, if I find you around trouble, you just happen to be the cause of it.
Hojo: I didn’t do it this time.
Sephiroth: Do what?
Hojo: Whatever it was that you were blaming on me. It isn’t true I had nothing to do with it.
Sephiroth: How do you know I haven’t told you yet?
Hojo: Because, I haven’t been evil for a long time now.
Sephiroth: Yeah its been, what? Two rambles ago? Confess it, father.
Hojo: I don’t have to confess anything. I didn’t do it.
Sephiroth: I think you did.
Hojo: You’re wrong this time, son.
Sephiroth: I’m never wrong, father.
Hojo: Despite what you may think, you have your faults.
Sephiroth: What have you been up to?
Hojo: Gaming.
Sephiroth: What?
Hojo: I’ve been doing good for the Planet.
Sephiroth: Haha! Ha! Hoo… Okay, the truth, please?
Hojo: It is the truth. I’ve designed a beautiful game that shows RPGamers that you don’t need violence to have a good game…
Sephiroth: Okay. I’m afraid to ask.
Hojo: It’s the farm animal game!
Sephiroth: What?
Hojo: Exactly that! HAHAHA! Isn’t it brilliant?
Sephiroth: Why would you do this? What’s the catch?
Hojo: Oh… catch?
Sephiroth: Well?
Hojo: *twiddles thumbs* …Well…
Sephiroth: *unsheathes sword* Spit it out or else I’ll cut it out!
Hojo: Okay already! …If they play it long enough… they’ll gndjhan dn jfjh mfjnjas.
Sephiroth: Quit mumbling and speak up!
Hojo: They’ll turn into potatoes.
Sephiroth: Haha! You’ve got to be kidding me!
Hojo: Yes, actually, I am.
Sephiroth: So what really happens?
Hojo: They turn into farm animals.
Sephiroth: HAHA! That’s even better!
Hojo: Yes… well…
Sephiroth: *lifting Hojo up by the collar* They will won’t they?
Hojo: Yes… if they keep playing forever…
Sephiroth: What kinda of mad scientist are you?!
Hojo: Well, I was short on money…
Sephiroth: What are a bunch of stupid farm animals gonna do for you?
Hojo: I’m selling them on e-bay.
Sephiroth: WHAT?
Hojo: You can’t legally sell humans, so I thought I’d turn them into animals
and then sell them for dissection on the internet.
Sephiroth: You are mad! And as much as I cannot stand Avalanche, I must save them.
Hojo: *whinning* But why?
Sephiroth: If you get rid of them, who will I fight with? And plus, what are you going to do when Bethany is not here to run the ramble room?
Hojo: I kinda already had some plans for that…
Sephiroth: *disappearing* I don’t want to know…
Hojo: But wait! Its all so complex, yet oh so simple! I’m going to change it into a Jenova Day Care!!!
Sephiroth: *arriving in the room with Bethany, Matt, and the Turks*
Bethany: Baaaah.
Reno: Oink, baby.
Matt: Neigh.
Rude: Moo.
Elena: Ruff.
Sephiroth: This is terrible! These useless pieces of garbage have become even more useless!
Bethany: Baaah!
Sephiroth: My apologies, Bethany. I didn’t mean to insult you. As for the rest of them…
Matt: Neigh.
Sephiroth: *takes the controllers and the Nintendo* No more for you.
Reno: Oink?
Sephiroth: You want to stay like farm animals forever?
Rude: Moo.
Sephiroth: I didn’t think so. *leaves room and teleports to room with Cloud and Tifa* Cloud, Tifa… I’m sorry but I have to do it. *takes game*
Cloud: Cock-a-doodle doo!
Sephiroth: Cloud, if you’re stuck like this forever, we’ll never get a fair fight!
Tifa: Meow.
Sephiroth: No, Tifa. I won’t kill him while he’s helpless. *vanishes and arrives in room with Mog, Cait Sith, Cid, and Vincent*
Vincent: *an ultra sonic screech*
Sephiroth: Oh, my… Vincent is a vampire…bat. I didn’t know a bat was a farm animal…
Vincent: *another ultra sonic screech*
Sephiroth: Sorry! Geez, stop the noise! Sorry guys. The game’s going to have to go.
Cid: Moo! *snorts*
Mog: …
Cait Sith: Why?
Sephiroth: You stupid piece of idiotic machinery! Can’t you see that everyone is turning into farm animals?
Mog: *nods*
Sephiroth: Its because they’re playing this game!
Cait Sith: It must not affect us…
Sephiroth: Apparently not.
Cait Sith: What are you going to do about everyone now that their… useless farm animals?
Sephiroth: I don’t know. What would you do?
Cait Sith: Seriously? I’d sell em on e-bay for some cash.
Sephiroth: WHAT? You too?
Cait Sith: Don’t tell anyone I said that though. They might try to sell me.
Sephiroth: I guess I’ll just have to herd them all up into the Big Compfy Couch Room and see what happens.
Cait Sith: Alright. You take these two and Mog and I will get Cloud and Tifa.
Sephiroth: Okay. *puts a hand on the bat and on the bull and teleports to The Big Compfy Couch Room where Mog and Cait Sith are already entering with a rooster and a cat*
Cait Sith: Looks like they’re all here.
Sephiroth: Now what do we do?
Cait Sith: I haven’t the slightest idea.
Hojo: Thank you for rounding them up for me.
Cait Sith: Yes master.
Sephiroth: Hojo? Master?
Hojo: You’ve done your job, Sephiroth. Now go away.
Sephiroth: What are you doin?
Hojo: Exactly what I told you. Selling them. On e-bay.
Sephiroth: That’s insane!
Hojo: Is that your final answer?
Sephiroth: Huh?
Hojo: Of course I’m insane. That’s why I’m called a mad scientist.
Sephiroth: I won’t let you take them.
Hojo: Why not?
Sephiroth: Becaeuse! I told you before, I’ll have no one to fight with…
Hojo: Is that the real reason?
Sephiroth: Of course it is… why wouldn’t it?
Hojo: Sephiroth… *sits on Big Compfy Couch and pats the cushins offering Sephiroth a seat* …have a seat.
Sephiroth: …no… why?
Hojo: Just sit down with your father and let’s have a talk.
Sephiroth: Okay… *sits* …about what?
Hojo: What’s bothering you? Usually you’d want to sell all
of these people like the animals they are… whoops! No pun intended...
Sephiroth: Yes... but father, I’m afraid I’ve grown too close to them. I…I kind of like them.
Hojo: *sigh* I know how it is, son. I’ve grown close to people before also. But you have to learn how to let go…
Sephiroth: You’re exactly right.
Hojo: For once, you listen to your father.
Sephiroth: But I’ll only let you thake them if you split the money… 70-30.
Hojo: What? That’s blasphemous!
Sephiroth: I know. But I do have the upper hand. Do you blame me?
Hojo: No, of course not… Heh, heh! That’s my son! Let’s go sell some animals!
To Be Continued…
