I was brought up in a religious home. I attended Sunday school and church every Sunday for the first part of my life. I was active in Youth Groups and a Youth Choir. I learned the Appotsels Creed and the Lord's Prayer. Knew the verses of many songs by heart and was Saved several times. However, I didn't understand the meaning of any of the things I was taught for many years to come.

As many people do, I suited religion to fit my own needs at the time. I even convinced my self that I was right on many issues. When I started into my teens I started questioning my Religious beliefs constantly. I wasn't happy with Church, not because of what was taught but the politics that went on. The Cast system seemed to be alive and thriving in the Church I was attending at the time, and that further confused me. What was being taught and what was actually happening were two completely separate things. It all came to a head when my boyfriend of several years father passed away. I wasn't prepared to deal with all of my questions about Religion to begin with and my confusion about how someone so young and vital could be taken away from a family who so desperately needed him. I decided I was not going to Church any longer.

For a while I didn't even think about Religion except when I was in need of something, then I would go to the Lord in Prayer. Yet even that faded after a while, I figured that as I was not living the life that God wanted me to live so I was simply insulting him by asking for his help.

I started investigating other Religions and after a while settled on Taoism. Taoism is more of a Theology to live by, not a religion. Once I got into the thinking of the Taoist, I started migrating back to the Lord. It seemed to me at the time that Taoism was the true form of God, and I felt that I could return to him since I was trying to live a life that was righteous. Yet I fell back into the same pattern of bending religion into my own lifestyle. I believed that everyone is born with the knowledge of Right and Wrong, and that was the long and short of life. Everyone is presented with choices at every turn, and it is up to you which path you choose to take. I didn't subscribe to the Bible at that time either. I believed the major points held truth, but also couldn't come to grips with the fact that the book had been around for so long and that Religion has been used by so many persons to do harm that the word is what it was intended to be. I went about my life on my own, hypocritically thinking I was including the Lord.

I had what I call the Typical Young Woman Syndrome. I looked to others for acceptance and self-worth. This put me in some sticky situations. I finally came to the conclusion 'If you can't beat them, join them' and that is what I did. I found persons who would accept me the way I was and for that I paid a price. You see, I was not living my life completely, and for that I was drawn to persons who I would have not otherwise associated with. I also spent allot of time blaming my parents and who ever else I could find for the way I had turned out. It never occurred to me to look within my self for answers.

I sought help of counselors and psychiatrists. I started coming to term's with alot of things that had plagued me through out my life. I finally cut ties with persons who were not good for me and started trying to put my life back together. I started blindly believing in God, believing I was doing what I had to do in order to get into Heaven. I believe this is what is called the Sunday Christian, except I wasn't attending any type of Service.

Then something happened that changed my life forever. My husband and I got pregnant. I was so happy I didn't know what to do. I was a little scared, as my mother had trouble carrying a child to term and suffered through many miscarriages. I thanked God over and over for the gift I had received and asked him to guide me through my pregnancy and raising my child. Then for the first time in my life, I felt God. I knew as sure as I knew my name that he would be there for me no matter what happened. That was exactly what I thought and I also knew that came from him. This startled, scared, and refreshed me at the same time. I finally knew that there was a God and that He was there for me. It seemed that all of my confusion about Religion simply disappeared.

A few hours later, after I had gotten my self back together, I have found that realizing that you are pregnant and feeling the Lord's presence at the same time can be a little overwhelming, I knew that something was wrong with my baby. I remembered what I had heard, that He would be with me NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED. I didn't think that my faith, so newly founded would be tested so soon. Yet it was. I ended up loosing twins. Through out it all however, I never lost faith nor the feeling that the Lord was with me every step of the way.

I am a very logical person, and looking back at my life and seeing how I handled things before I felt the Lord in my life and what I did after. There is no comparison between the two. I consider loosing the babies one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, but also one of the easiest. It was hard to accept and extremely painful, but through out the entire ordeal, I knew I was not alone and that made dealing with it much easier.

Let me say this: I always believed in God, but I have finally realized that believing is something totally different than understanding, feeling his presence, and allowing him into your life. The latter is where the Truth lies.

Well, that is my story.