By Sierra Carter-Littrell
I woke up to the sound of Louis Armstrong's soulful voice, and knew that Brian was having another bad night. I sighed softly as I grabbed my robe and glasses, sliding my feet into my slippers as I headed for the rec room. Brian was there, curled up in his favorite chair, staring into the fire. He looked up when I came in and smiled ruefully.
"I'm sorry, baby girl, did I wake you?" he asked quietly. I smiled and sat on the arm of his chair, smoothing his hair back out of his eyes.
"No, Louis did. Why this one, Bri? Usually when you can't sleep, it's 'St. James Infirmary', or some of the other blues." I said softly. He pulled me down into his lap and kissed me gently, then buried his face in my hair.
"It's just a feeling tonight...I don't quite know how to explain it. I woke up, and just knew that I had to listen to the "Sleepless In Seattle" soundtrack." he said.
I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly. "Are you scared about the checkup tomorrow, sweetheart? I know you hate talking about it, but I know I'm scared." I told him.
He sighed, his breath hot on my neck. His voice trembled slightly as he said, "Yeah, a little. I've been feeling worn down lately, and I'm afraid they're gonna say it's my heart again. I don't want you to worry, though, it's probably nothing." I tipped his head back to look in his eyes, and saw the fear.
"Brian, angel, nothing will happen tomorrow. I swear it. Your heart is fine, and you know it deep inside. I know it. The doctors know it too, or they wouldn't have let you do the tour. You went through the surgery in '98 with Leighanne, and she kept you strong. Don't you trust me to do the same? I'm your wife, I swore that my life is yours, and that is exactly what I meant. I'll fight Heaven and Hell to hold you, and you know that. NOTHING is going to happen to you, I swear on my life." I told him quietly, but forcefully.
He sighed and rested his head on mine. "I know. I just don't want you alone...ah hell, I'm not making any sense!" I kissed him gently.
"You are. I know exactly what you mean." I whispered.
We sat there for a long time as the soundtrack played on in the background, and the fire crackled merrily.
****************
The next day when Brian went to the hospital for his tests, I went with him. Dawn had called to see if I wanted her there, and all the guys had too, but I had politely refused, promising to call them once we knew what was going on. The day was gray and bleak, kind of the way my spirits were, but I put on a cheerful act for Brian.
"Now you be a good boy, and do everything the nice doctors and nurses tell you, and I'll make Mac-and-Cheese for dinner." I teased when he was being led away by the nurse.
He laughed softly and said, "Yes, Mommy, I'll be a good boy."
Just before they went around the corner, he turned and blew me a kiss, mouthing, "I love you, baby."
"I love you, angel." I whispered. He disappeared, and I went to sit down and wait. Brian had tried to talk me out of coming, he knew the tests would take most of the day, but I was stubborn and insisted. I sighed and picked up my backpack, taking out my crocheting. I was making a blanket for Brian's birthday, and it seemed the perfect time to work on it.
The hours passed slowly. My cell phone rang several times, with the guys and Dawn checking in. I put the blanket away and tried to read. I even drank the horrible coffee in the waiting room.
Finally I went to the desk and asked the nurse if she'd heard anything yet. She smiled sympathetically and said, "No honey, I haven't. Why don't you go down to the cafeteria, and get something to eat? The waiting is always the hardest part." I smiled weakly.
"I guess it is. I think I will run down and grab something. Will you page me if you hear anything?" I asked. She agreed, so I grabbed my wallet and headed downstairs. I was just walking into the cafeteria when I slipped in a puddle of water. My feet shot out from under me, and I cried out in surprise as I fell to the floor. My head hit hard, and everything went black...
************
"Come on, hun, wake up." a deep voice commanded. I struggled to open my eyes, and when I did, I saw Kevin leaning over me.
"She's awake!" he said.
A doctor pushed him out of the way and shone a light in my eyes, asking me stupid questions like what my name was, what day it was, who was president, stuff like that. I answered everything impatiently, then demanded to know why Kevin was there. He came back over to the bed, and I saw tears in his eyes. That scared me more than anything, and I sat up, ignoring the doctor's exclamation of warning.
"What's going on, Kevin? Why are you crying? What happened?" I demanded. He opened his mouth to talk, and the tears poured down his cheeks. My heart grew cold with fear.
"WHAT'S GOING ON!!!" I shrieked.
Nick's choked voice from the other side of the bed had me whipping around to see him and the others crying. "Brian...he was going through a stress test, and...and...he just collapsed." he whispered.
For a moment I was frozen with shock, then I screamed, "NO! You're lying, this is some kind of sick joke! Where's Brian, I want to see my husband!!!!"
I jumped off the bed and pushed past the doctor and Kevin, running out into the hall. I headed straight for the room I knew Brian had been assigned for the day, the others running after me, yelling for me to stop. I burst into the room, and saw Brian on the bed...but he wasn't breathing.
"No! God, no! You can't do this to me you can't leave me, Brian! You can't die, I won't let you!" I screamed, bursting into tears and grabbing his lifeless body. The doctor was shouting orders for a sedative, the others were trying to pull me away and crying, and I was pleading with Brian to wake up, with God to give him back, for somebody to make this not be happening.
Somehow, even though I fought with all the strength in me, they sedated me enough to drag me back to the bed I'd woken up in. Just before the drugs knocked me out completely, I heard Dawn say that she'd stay with me. The next time I woke up, it was sunny in the room. Dawn wasn't there, but Jackie, Brian's mom was. She was watching me, and when I opened my eyes, she got up and came over to the bed.
"Mickey...I..." she began, then she burst into tears. I sat up and pulled her down on the bed beside me as we both wept for the man who'd meant so much to us. After a while, the tears stopped. We washed up, then she brought me back to the house. Harold Sr. and Harry were there, waiting for us. Looking at Brian's older brother brought fresh tears to my eyes, but I blinked them back. We couldn't talk for the longest time, then finally we started discussing the funeral arrangements. We all cried during that talk, and again when the others came over.
The day of the funeral, the skies opened up and poured. There wasn't a dry eye in the church, or at the cemetery. I could hardly walk by the time we reached Brian's grave, and Kevin and Harry held me up. At my request, a recording of "Where Can We Go From Here" was playing throughout the graveside service. After the minister said the final blessing, and the coffin was lowered into the ground, I took a deep breath, and stepped away from Kevin and Harry.
"Goodbye, my angel. I love you forever and beyond," I said softly, then I stepped forward to throw the first handful of dirt on his coffin. I managed it without breaking down, and turned to go back to the others. As I turned, though, I slipped and fell. My head hit a rock, and the world exploded in colors, then blackness...
************
"C'mon, baby girl, wake up. I need you to wake up, Mickey," came the sweetest voice.
I struggled to open my eyes, whispering, "Brian? Am I dead?"
His voice was full of relief and laughter as he said softly, "Not that I'm aware of, but that bump on your head may make you wish you were later."
I opened my eyes, saw him standing beside me, and burst into tears of joy. I grabbed him tightly and wouldn't let go.
"Whoa! What's the matter, sweetheart? I'm right here, I'm fine! You're the one who got hurt!" he exclaimed in surprise. I sat up, not releasing my hold on him.
"Oh god, I love you so much, Brian! I…it must have been a dream, a horrible, awful dream!" I sobbed into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and held me, rocking me gently, until I calmed down a little. Then he made me tell him exactly what had happened. When I was done, he sighed and kissed me tenderly.
"I'm right here, baby girl, and except for a mild case of the flu, I'm in perfect health. That's why I've been feeling so run down, I have a perfectly normal case of the flu." he told me softly.
I sighed softly and looked into his eyes. "Take me home, Brian." I said. He did, after the doctor checked me out and gave me something for the headache that was already threatening to make me sick. When we got home, Brian ran a hot bubble bath for me, and made me soak for a long time. He sat in the bathroom, talking quietly to me, and holding my hand the whole time.
Somehow he knew that I was afraid to let go. When the water was cold enough that I began to shiver, he pulled me out, dried me off, and put my favorite nightgown on me. Then we went into the rec room and sat in front of the fireplace, just holding each other.
"You told me you were scared, Mickey, but that dream shows just how scared you were. I'm so sorry to put you through this. I never want you to be scared again, okay? It's been two years, and I'm in perfect health, so the doctor says that there's no need to worry anymore. From now on I want all your dreams to be happy ones." Brian said softly as he rubbed my back gently. I put my head on his shoulder.
"When I'm with you, they're always happy." I replied quietly. He turned his head and kissed me gently, and we snuggled in front of the fireplace for a long time, just loving each other, and assuring that all our dreams would be happy ones.
~*~ THE END ~*~
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