Steve was standing in front of them in his new black suit, complete with bow tie, sunglasses, and shoes so shiny that Brian and Stef could see their faces in them as they rolled about the floor laughing.
Steve had a hot date and was out to impress, the only problem was – his car. It was hardly an Aston Martin, in fact, it was hardly the Ford Escort Cabriolet it used to be! With rust around the wheel arches and on the door panels, a leaking roof, and the paintwork flaking off it had seen better days, but it went and Steve couldn’t see the point in splashing out on a new car when he was hardly ever even in the country anyway.
Steve lit his cigarette, finished his Dry Martini, and left his friends on the floor.
When he returned two hours later he had a face like thunder.
“How did it go?” inquired Brian. “It didn’t” replied Steve, “she saw me arrive in my old car and that was that, she spent the rest of the evening flashing her legs to some old bloke on another table. Bloody lovely legs they were too.” “Never mind Stevie, at least you aimed high” sniggered Stef, “I’m sure Mr Bond wouldn’t pick up any girls either if he drove around in an old banger like that!”
“It’s all just a big joke to you isn’t it?” said Steve. “Well I’ll show you lot. Once I’ve fitted all those special gadgets that arrived this morning, the Pussy Galore’s of this world will be all over me. You’ll see.”
Brian applied his lipstick while he was on the floor again and then decided it was time to go down the pub. “Come on James…er, Steve, I’ll buy you a proper drink.” “No thanks, I have important work to do,” said Steve as he lit another cigarette and turned to leave. “Could you give us a lift down the pub mate?” said Stef, as he picked himself up off the floor. Steve didn’t answer and walked outside to the garage.
“We’ve really gotta stop taking the piss,” said Brian, ordering another round of drinks. “He might start getting upset.” “It’s his own fault, ever since he saw that latest Bond film he been acting a compete prick,” replied Stef. “Wearing that bow tie and drinking those bloody Martini’s, what does he think he look like?” “I blame that Halle Berry,” said Brian, “you don’t think he’s really capable of doing anything…er, you know, dangerous to that car, do you?” “Brian, it’s a bloody Ford Escort, the only dangerous thing he’s ever done to it was take it through the car wash with the roof down,” stated Stef. “Yeah, we got fucking soaked,” remembered Brian, “we drove home in a mobile swimming pool!”
The next day Brian and Stef returned to Steve’s house to find him, once again, dressed up, and ready for action! “Honestly Steve, we’re only going to the bloody studio,” said Brian. Steve stayed silent and poured himself another drink. “I hope you didn’t stir that,” said Stef, with a big grin on his face. “I was about to say that,” said Brian. “Well you have to wait your turn and get in the Q,” replied Stef. They burst into fits of laughter, Steve left and got into the car, the others eventually followed, and sat together in the back.
“So what exactly have you done to this car?” asked Brian as they were driving towards the studio. “After you took the piss out of me earlier,” said Steve, “I hope you don’t expect me to talk.” “No, Mr Bond, I expect you to drive,” answered Stef and Brian together, before cracking up into fits of laughter again.
“Alright then.” said Steve. “I didn’t want to do this, but if you require a demonstration…” They had stopped behind a car at a set of lights. “Let’s blow this motherfucker out of the way.” Brian suddenly stopped laughing. “Steady on Stevie, we’re only teasing, you haven’t really…. Steve pushed the button that said “missile” on the dashboard. Stef and Brian went silent. Out of either side of the car appeared two shiny objects that looked like, well, rockets. “Holy shit,” said Stef.
Steve pressed the “fire” button. There was silence from the back seat as Stef and Brian could hear the “click” of the missiles being released, and then the “clonk” of them hitting the floor!
The laughter could probably be heard for several miles as the lights turned green and they carried on with their journey.
When he’d finished wiping the tears from his face, Brian pointed to a green button on the dashboard and said “what does that one do?” “That’s an oil slick,” stated Steve. “And what about that one?” asked Brian, fighting back the tears once more. “That’s for the water spray,” answered Steve, “press that one and the headlights lift up and out come two powerful streams of water. Course it doesn’t have to be just water, it could be anything.” “Like Martini,” interrupted Stef, still laughing. “And what about that one…” said Brian as he reached forward to try and reach the large red button on the top of the gearstick. Steve grabbed his hand. “NOT THAT ONE,” he shouted. “Don’t ever touch that one, that’s the ejector seats, shoots everyone out of the car, except the driver of course.”
“You’re priceless Stevie,” said Stef. “I’ve never laughed so much in my entire life. I think you have a serious problem, but it’s fucking funny.”
“Funny eh? Then watch this” Steve pressed the “oil” button. Brian and Stef waved goodbye to the exhaust as it hit the ground.
“OK then, try this.” Steve pressed the “spray” button, and two huge sprays of water shot 50ft straight up into the air, coming down and soaking all three of them. “The car wash trick again,” laughed Stef as he tried not to wet himself.
“Will you two stop fucking laughing,” shouted Steve. “You’ve done nothing but take the piss out of me for weeks and I’m fucking sick of it.”
“But Stevie, it’s so funny, you’ve got to admit it,” said Brian. “Anyway, you’re the one that started it all. It’s not our fault that none of you’re stupid buttons work.” “Yeah, what’re you gonna do about it, Mr Bond, spray us with water again,” said Stef, “ohhh, I’m really frightened.” Steve reached for the red button…
Stef and Brian held each others’ hands as they flew through the air.
THE END