During the celebrations the King and Queen of Ceboworld announced that their baby daughter (who at this stage didn’t have much say in the matter) would be betrothed to Prince Jimi of Doveland, whose parents (who were, funnily enough also a King and Queen) were happy to marry him off to anyone who had some money, as they had lost all of theirs investing in all that land in Iraq (bad move).
The three good fairies of Ceboworld were to be her godparents and they could each grant her a special gift. First, fairy Stefan, wearing a long red dress, flew down and waved his magic wand over the baby, “I grant you the gift of song” he said, and sprinkled fairy dust over the baby. Then, fairy Steve, dressed in green satin trousers and t-shirt, flew down and waved his magic wand over the baby, “I grant you the gift of beauty” he said, and sprinkled fairy dust over the baby. Then, fairy Brian, dressed in blue mini skirt, a sparkling silver blouse and fish-net stockings flew down and waved his magic wand over the baby, “I grant you the gift of…”
But before he could finish, the doors of the castle flew open and in came the wicked witch – Magnificent (much to the relief of poor baby Rose, who was choking on all that fairy dust flying around).
Now, Magnificent was an evil witch, who enjoyed nothing better that ruining parties, killing royalty and slaying do-good fairies, but couldn’t understand why nobody wanted her around. “Why was I not invited to the party” she asked the King. “You weren’t wanted,” replied fairy Brian before the King could answer. “Not wanted?” said Magnificent, “in that case, I shall be going, but before I do heed this warning – ALL OF YOU. The princess shall indeed grow in grace and beauty BUT before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday she shall prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel, and DIE. Hahahahahahahahaha” and tried to disappear in a puff of smoke but she’d left the magic potion at home so she had to walk out the door.
“Oh, no” cried the Queen cuddling her baby in her arms “What are we to do?” “Do not fear your majesty,” answered fairy Stefan “Brian still has his gift left, don’t you Brian?” “What? Oh, yeah,” said Brian stubbing out his fag on the side of the cot. He raised his magic wand:
“If through this witch’s evil trick,
A spindle should your finger prick,
However unlikely that may be,
Here’s the gift I give to thee.
Not in death but just in sleep,
This evil spell that you will keep,
And from this sleep you then shall wake,
When true love’s kiss the spell shall break.”
There was silence.
“Is that it?” asked fairy Steve. “Is that the best you could do? The poor girl’s not gonna make it past sixteen and that’s the best you could come up with.”
“That’s all I could think at this moment in time,” answered Brian. “You know I don’t like being rushed when doing lyrics. That’s the best I could do. At least it rhymes!” He threw his wand down so hard that it broke, then he slumped down onto the floor and burst into tears.
“It’s alright Brian,” Stefan said, putting his arms around him, trying not to damage those delicate fairy wings, “you did your best. And let’s face it, seeming as spinning wheels went out in the 17th century there’s not much chance of finding any around here.”
A few weeks passed and after receiving yet another spinning wheel sent via FedEx the King and Queen decided it would be safer if their treasured little princess was sent away to be brought up in secret. So the three good fairies decided to raise the child as their own, in a cottage in the middle of a forest and renamed her Britney.
Nearly sixteen years had passed when Britney was out collecting some leaves from the cannabis field that the three good (but addicted) fairies had been cultivating all these years, when she saw a handsome stranger. She thought about running back to the cottage and getting fairy Steve and his wand (which turned into a handy air rifle), but then saw that the man was just soothing his feet in the cool water of the river, which ran through the field.
She stood and watched him for a while, quite a long while in fact. She dropped the basket of leaves she had collected and they spilled across the floor. (Brian was really gonna be pissed about that one.) She suddenly felt the urge to fondle one of her breasts with her left hand and went into a complete daze as she watched the stranger in front of her take off all his clothes and jump into the water. Britney had seen pictures of naked men from the magazines that fairy Stefan kept hidden under his mattress, but she had never seen one in real life, and was obviously still a virgin because she shared a house with three fairies.
She tried to move forward for a closer look but she trod on the handle of her basket and it went ‘snap’. The stranger looked up. “Who’s there?” he called. But Britney was too frightened to answer, she pulled her hand from her knickers and ran home.
“Where the fuck have you been?” asked fairy Brian when Britney eventually returned home. “And where’s my weed?”
“I dropped it” answered Britney, whose heart was still ‘pounding’ from seeing the man she ‘caught by the river’. “Well just for that you can sweep the entire house with this”, stated Brian, and handed her a broom. “Very well,” said Britney, and went outside to start on the patio so she could ‘catch the sun’ before it went down, and then made a start on the ‘cedar room’. (enough with the Doves jokes)
While she was sweeping the fairies had a meeting.
“Look we have to give her something decent to wear for her party, it is her sixteenth,” said Stefan. “No problem,” said Brian, “We’ll just use our wands…” “NO,” interrupted Steve. “No magic, remember. That way the evil witch will never find us.” “Well what the hell are we supposed to do?” asked Stefan, “I’ve been wearing this dress every day for the last sixteen years and it’s just slightly worn out.”
“Well, we could use the spinning wheel in my bedroom”, said Brian.
“WHAT?” said fairy Stefan and fairy Steve together.
“Well I had to do something,” Brian went on. “You two might not mind flying around the forest in rags – but I certainly do.”
“But what if Britney had found it?” asked Stefan.
“Unlike you Stef, I keep my room locked,” stated Brian, “and maybe if you had done the same she wouldn’t have found those dirty magazines you keep under your mattress.”
Stef blushed. “You know about them?” he asked. “Everybody knows about them,” said Steve. “Even the King and Queen who, I have to say, weren't very happy”.
The next day Britney went into the forest to pick some extra supplies for her birthday party, (the King and Queen didn’t approve of gay sex magazines, but didn’t mind partaking of the odd spliff) when she saw a man swimming naked in the stream.
“Oh my god,” said Britney, “it’s him again.” But just as her hand was reaching up her skirt the man looked up and shouted to her: “don’t fear. I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
But Britney was frightened. She had fallen in love with this stranger but knew that she was already engaged to be married to Prince Jimi. She ran through the forest, but caught her dress on the branch of a tree and ripped it. “Oh, fuck” she thought, as she reached the door of the cottage. “I know I’ll use that spinning wheel Brian’s got hidden it his bedroom.”
She quietly entered the cottage where the three not-so-good fairies were slumped on the sofa, with empty bottles of vodka covering the floor. She crept upstairs to Brian’s bedroom, she had thought about visiting Stefan’s room first, but decided to do that afterwards. She looked in Brian’s top drawer and found a bobbin of pink thread that exactly matched the dress she was wearing and loaded it onto the spindle. “Ouch, shit that hurts” she said in anger as she pricked her finger.
Several hours later- in fact it was the next day, the fairies awoke and made themselves some coffee. Lots of coffee. It was Britney’s sixteenth birthday and they didn’t want anything fucking it up. They decided to make an early start, so Stefan went upstairs to collect the spinning wheel from Brian’s bedroom. When he entered he saw Britney lying on the floor, blood dripping from her finger. Steve and Brian flew upstairs when they heard the screams.
They laid her out on her bed and covered her with flowers. The poor fairies were in tears. “What have we done?” cried Steve. “Just one more day and she could have returned home,” weeped Stefan. “The King and Queen are gonna need extra supplies to make up for this,” stated Brian, matter-of-factly.
Then there came a knock at the door. Steve answered it. He was surprised to see Prince Jimi of Doveland. He didn’t really like people from Doveland because they used to take the piss out of his green satin trousers and call him a goblin. But he decided he was already in enough trouble with her parents without pissing of her intended as well, “your highness, please come in,” he groveled.
Prince Jimi strode in, trying to avoid the bottles that were strewn all over the floor. “I have been searching all night for a girl.” “Oh yeah,” thought Steve. “I saw her in the forest yesterday by the river that runs through your cannabis field,” continued the Prince. “What cannabis field?” asked Steve all innocently. The Prince just stared at him. “Oh THAT cannabis field,” continued Steve. He showed Prince Jimi upstairs to the room where Britney lay.
The Prince leaned over her and planted a smacker right on her lips!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
He tried again, this time forcing his tongue halfway down her throat.
Still nothing.
“Well that’s a relief,” said the Prince. “Ain’t no use marrying her now. I’m off to Neverland with Peter, my manservant.” He ran downstairs and jumped into a waiting carriage, and Stefan could see him snogging someone in the back seat (presumably Peter) as the carriage sped away from the cottage.
“Well what the fuck do we do now?” asked Steve. “We can’t take her back to the castle in this state, and there could be several million men out there that may be her true love. It’s all down to you and your stupid verse,” he said pointing at Brian, “nice going mate!”
“Calm down, Steve” said Brian, “I have a plan:
If a million people want to see
If true love’s kiss that they may be
Then we will charge them all a pound
To come into our private ground
And while they’re here they all can puff
A pound a time, on our leafy stuff
So do not fret, dear Steve, so fair
This time next year you’ll be a millionaire.”
Steve and Stef both looked at him.
“The years really haven’t been kind to you have they Brian,” laughed Stefan.
THE END