Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and he nearly jumped out of his 3” heels. “What are you doing out here?” asked a deep (and not unattractive) voice. “Anything you want me to,” stated Brian, who was fairly drunk, a little high, and feeling more than a bit slutty. He turned around to see a tall, dark, handsome woodcutter, staring down at him with something long and hard in his hand. “That’s a big tool” said Brian, “what are you going to do with it?” He placed his delicate hand around the item and gently started stroking it. “I’m gonna chop down some trees, what else would you do with an axe!” replied the stranger. “Do you have a name?” asked Brian “and do you fancy a shag?” It was cold and dark outside and he felt he could do with a bit of warming up, and didn’t fancy going back into the party with all those hacks. “I’m Steve, and yes I do.”
Five minutes later when Brian had picked the pine needles from his hair, and was just about to light up, an axe came down and cut straight through his packs of cigarettes. “What the fuck…” he jumped up just as Steve reached down and picked up the axe. He swung it again. It landed an inch away from Brian and got stuck in the log he had been sitting on. “Jesus…” Without thinking Brian turned and ran into the forest, pulling up his knickers as he went, not looking where he was going, just running, running, running……
When he came to, he was completely lost. He put his hand to his head, OUCH, that fucking hurts, he looked up and saw what he assumed was the sign he had run in to. It read: GRANNY’S HOUSE, 1km, KEEP TO THE TRACK. Who the fuck is Granny?” Thought Brian. But he had nowhere else to go and as the track was huge, clearly marked, and quite comfortable to walk on, Brian decided even he should be able to manage it.
After about 200 metres he was completely fed up (well he hadn’t had a fag or drink for a while, and he did have a long way to go!), he thought about stopping exactly where he was and throwing a hissy fit, but as there was no one there to see it, he didn’t bother. He sat down and started rolling some blades of grass and moss together, covered it with a dead leaf, and it actually looked quite smokeable. He put it to his lips when he heard some movement in the trees ahead of him. He froze. The bush straight in from of him rustled. “Just the wind” thought Brian, trying not to wet himself. “Run…”
Run he did. In fact he’d never run so fast (or for so long) in his life. “Glad I practiced on that Carbon Kid video now” he thought as he reached a house in the middle of the forest with a big sign above the door that read GRANNY’S HOUSE.
He burst straight in and made Granny jump out of her skin. “Who the fuck are you?” asked Granny. “Brian, and if you don’t mind me saying you don’t look much like a granny.”
“That’s rather rude, I thought I looked quite good in this nightie. Granny’s not well, I’m Stefan, I’m looking after the house for her while she’s in hospital.”
“Sorry to hear that, and sorry to burst in on you but I was being chased by something out there and I needed somewhere to hide.”
The old woman (!) sat Brian down and gave him a hot drink, although what he really needed was a bloody large vodka. They sat talking for a while and Stefan (being rather bright) realised that this scared little thing in red was actually a rather sexy guy, and Brian (being the slut he is) said “do you fancy a shag?”
Five minutes later they were both puffing on one of granny’s home-grown fags, (she had to make some money somehow), when they heard a knock on the door. Brian froze. Stefan got up to answer the door. “No, don’t, it might be the…” Too late. The door flew open and in jumped Steve the woodcutter, waving his tool around like a madman. Brian screamed. Stefan screamed. (Why do the women always scream in these stories?) Steve came at Brian, who was just getting up from granny’s bed, but he still had his knickers around his ankles and he tripped and fell to the floor.
The axe was just about to come down on Brian’s head when ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRRRR! A wolf jumped on top of the woodcutter and gobbled him up in one go (it is a fairy story y’know).
“Good boy, Fluffy,” said Stefan. Brian looked up in shock. “You don’t think and old woman like granny would live out in the woods on her own do you?” The wolf licked his lips and settled down to sleep in front of the fire.
Brian gave up making music and settled down in the forest with Stefan and Fluffy and they lived happily ever after.
THE END.