3.45am and that damn noise was still there. ‘Those fucking police helicopters,’ he said to himself, ‘why don’t they just give up?’ He decided to be nosey and got up to look out of the window. He looked up into the sky. “What the fuck is that?” There was a bright flash and then…he was gone.
When he woke up he couldn’t move. His arms and legs were strapped tightly to the hard metal trolley he was lying on. He tried to look around him but there were bright lights aimed at his face and he couldn’t see through the glare. He heard a voice. “You cannot escape. We do not wish to harm you, we merely wish to study you and your kind.”
“Kind,” Stef repeated. “Kind. What do you mean kind. Brian is that you? Look I know you like playing your kinky sex games on me, but this is really beginning to freak me out.”
“Who is this Brian?” came the voice. “Is it your wife?”
“No, he’s just a mate,” said a confused Stef, “what is it to you?”
The trolley suddenly tipped upright and Stef was a figure coming towards him. As it got nearer it he recognized it. It was the exact image of … HIM.
“We have plans for you AND your mate,” said the other Stef.
It was a Friday night and the boys had decided to meet up for a night out before they went on tour. Brian, wearing a short blue skirt, high heels and tight black top, as it was his last chance to dress up before pretending to bit a bit more masculine on tour, called at Stef’s. “You ready yet mate,” Brian shouted through the letterbox. “Brian, is that you?” came the reply. “Who else would it fucking be?” said Brian, “now open the fucking door!”
The door opened and there before him was Stef, completely naked. “Hello mate,” grinned Stef, and he pulled Brian inside.
It was nearly closing time when Brian and Stef eventually joined Steve in the pub. “Where the fuck have you been?” asked an irate Steve. “Busy,” replied Brian. “Yeah, well make yourself busy and get the drinks in, and as your so generous we’ll have doubles won’t we mate,” he said putting his hand on Stef’s shoulder.
“Yes, mate.” Stef said, smiling.
It got to closing time and Stef was completely pissed. He’d been knocking back as much as possible in that last half hour and even Brian couldn’t keep up with him! Then he chucked up all over the table. “It’s not like Stef to throw up. What’s got into him?” asked Steve. “Me. Earlier,” replied Brian, winking. “I think we’d better give the nightclub a miss and take him home,” said Steve. “Oh I was looking forward to some clubbing,” complained Brian, “he’ll be alright.” “No he won’t,” insisted Steve. “You go on mate, I’ll take Stef home and meet up with you later.” “OK,” agreed Brian. “Mate,” mumbled Stef, as Steve put Stef’s arm around his shoulder and helped him into the taxi.
“I think I’d better put you straight to bed,” said Steve, as he hauled Stef through his front door. “Mate,” mumbled Stef again. “Yeah, whatever,” said Steve as he dragged him into his bedroom. He lay Stef down on the bed and started undressing him. “Mate,” said Stef. “Yeah, that’s right Stef, I’m your mate,” said Steve as he yanked Stef’s trousers off, “come on, let’s get this top off. Arms up.” Stef raised both arms and put them around Steve’s neck, pulling him down on top of him. “Steady on mate,” Steve said, as he tried to pull himself up. As he pushed himself up from Stef’s grasp, he felt a hand go down the front of his trousers, he wished he worn them boxers now, and then felt another hand reach down the back of him squeezing his left buttock. He was so shocked he didn’t know what to say. “Fuck off Stef,” were the only words he could think of, and gave his mate a sharp blow in the ribs with his left fist. Stef didn’t flinch at all, and started to undo Steve’s trousers. “What the fuck are you doing?” shouted Steve, trying to wrench himself free from Stef’s strong grip. ‘Fuck this’ thought Steve, and reached for the alarm clock at the side of Stef’s bed. He brought it down with a hard thump. Stef’s arms flopped to the side of him. Steve stood up and looked at his mate, lying very still, with what looked like blood oozing from a gash on his forehead.
The ambulance took Stef straight into casualty, where Brian arrived half an hour later. “What the fuck happened,” he asked when he saw Steve. Steve explained everything to him. “I didn’t mean to hit him so hard,” he said at the end, “I was just trying to get him off me.” “He was acting weird all evening,” said Brian, and explained to Steve about Stef opening the door with nothing on. Then Steve reminded him that it wasn’t THAT unusual. “True,” said Brian, “but it was the best sex ever tonight.” They both sat in silence waiting for a doctor.
Three hours later, the doctor took them both into a private room. “How long have you known Stefan,” asked the doctor. “Since school actually,” said Brian. “Why?” “Has there been anything unusual about him recently?” he enquired. “Well he was acting a bit strange today, had so much to drink he couldn’t even stand up, and that is definitely not like him,” stated Brian. “And he tried to rape me,” interrupted Steve, “and he knows I am definitely out of bounds.”
“Well,” said the doctor. “I don’t know quite how to put this. But Stefan is not of this world.” “We know that already,” said Brian, ignoring the ‘no smoking’ sign he could see from the corner of his eye. “Seriously,” continued the doc, “he is, or appears to be an ALIEN.”
Steve’s mouth dropped open. Brian took another puff of his cigarette. “I’ve had to report it to the authorities,” said the Doctor. “They’ll be here soon.” Steve and Brian look at each other. “Can we have a few minutes alone with him first?” asked Brian. The Doctor nodded and Steve and Brian went into Stef’s room. They were quite surprised to find him awake. Brian wasn’t quite sure what to say to him, but Steve was. “What have you done with Stef?” he demanded to know. “He was taken for study,” replied the alien Stef. “We have not hurt him.” “Yeah, well we want him back,” said Steve. “Do we?” asked Brian. Steve stopped for a moment. Then said: “there’s more to life than sex y’know Bri.” “But it was such great sex…” Brian stopped as Steve wagged his finger at him. “Take me to my ship and I can get him back for you,” said the alien. “In exchange for what?” asked Steve who wasn’t easily fooled. “For a mate,” said the alien pointing to Brian. “Now hang on just a minute,” started Steve. But Brian interrupted. “Deal,” he said.
It was 2.30 and two men and an alien were in the middle of Hampstead Heath. Suddenly they were surrounded by bright lights and a huge spaceship landed in front of them. The door opened and out walked the real Stefan. The alien took Brian’s hand and they walked towards the ship. “What are you doing Bri?” said Stef. “Sorry Stef, I have to, I just can’t resist it,” said Brian. “Resist what?” queried Stef. “The sex of course,” came the answer. “Thre’s more to life than sex y’know Brian,” said Stef. But Brian walked past him, hand in hand with the alien Stef, and into the spaceship.
There was a huge roar, as the spaceship lifted itself off the ground and disappeared into the night sky., leaving Stef and Steve in the middle of the Heath.
“We are very happy you decided to join us,” said the alien leader to Brian, who was so completely knackered that he couldn’t even get out of his bed. “But it has been several days now and you have not yet given birth, is there anything we can do to make it easier for you.”
Brian lit up another cigarette (ok, so alien cigarettes weren’t great, but there wasn’t much choice on the mother ship). “Birth?” he asked. “What are you on about, I’m just here for the sex.”
“But your kind have sex in order to multiply. We have travelled millions of light years in order to find a species to mate with. You have sex with your mates and produce your young. We wish you to have our young for us.”
Brian fell about laughing. “Not me, I can’t have babies,” he tried to explain. “You need a female to have babies. I’m a male.”
“But why were you having sex with one of them if it wasn’t to reproduce?” quizzed the alien. “For the fun of it,” said Brian, with a tired smile on his face. “You mean you have been having sex with us foreign beings for fun?” asked the alien. “Sure,” came the reply, “and you guys are good.”
“But you have used up all of our stock,” protested the alien. Brian gave him a confused look. “We are only able to have sex once.” “What, once a day?” asked Brian “No, once,” came the reply. “What, once a week?” asked Brian. “No, once,” came the reply. “What, once a …” started Brian. “NO, ONCE.” shouted the alien. “Just once, and only once. Afterwards we die within 48 hours. And you have had sex with just about everyone on this ship.”
“Except you,” smirked Brian, “I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure.”
“Haven’t you noticed how few of us there are left on this ship?” asked the alien. “Not really,” said Brian, casually. “I just thought I’d worn them out.”
“We must take you back immediately, and exchange you for a proper female.” Back to earth , he shouted to the driver, and the ship turned around and headed back towards earth.
They were a couple of miles outside earth when the alien leader pleased with Brian, “Please, you must help us. We just need one female who can reproduce. She doesn’t have to be good looking, or have any talent, she just needs to be female.” “And you promise not to bring her back,” said Brian. “Certainly,” agreed the alien. “If you drop me of at home,” said Brian. “I’m sure there’s someone I can think of.”
It was 5.00 in the morning and Stef couldn’t sleep. There was a whirring sound coming from outside his flat and it had kept him awake for most of the night. He decided to get up and walked into the kitchen to make himself a coffee. He nearly fainted when he saw Brian sitting at the table. “Hi Stef,” he jumped up and gave Stef a peck on the cheek, then he returned to reading his newspaper, which carried the headline: GERI HALLIWELL DISAPPEARS.
Stef made himself that coffee.
THE END