We don't know at this point what the "Twilight" movie is going to be like. But we've wondered. Oh yes, we've WONDERED.
Will Edward the vampire have sparkly skin like he does in the book? Will Bella the high school ingénue come across as pathologically needy and insecure on screen? Will she trip on the carpet and break lamps and things? How many times will she have to make dinner for her dad?
Most of all, will all the vampires be as gorgeous as author Stephanie Meyer describes them? Will we drool, weep and rashly break up with our normal looking significant others?
Oh, the sweet agony of waiting. It's worse the weeks before Christmas because, aside from the trailers, there's no way for us to peek at our presents.
And so, bravely, we make this foray into the "Twilight Zone," where we take photos from the movie and reveal what the characters are really thinking, based entirely on their over-the-top behaviour in the books and our own fertile imagination.
EDWARD: Yes, this is a vintage Members Only jacket. You know how you weren't born yet in the '80s, Bella? I was. In fact, I was an 80-year-old man trapped in the body of a 17-year-old vampire. I wear this ensemble without irony. What'd you say? You asked if was I in high school then, too? Indeed I was. I am repeating high school because when you're as good looking as I am, high school is fun. It's amazing to me how people in Forks haven't noticed. No, Bella. No, of course not, my pet! Of course you're the first girl in my life I've ever kissed. Yes, you're pretty. Bella! BELLA! Come back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~EDWARD: I will now use my superhuman strength to slam you against the mirror!
JAMES: Oh, the pain! I love it almost as much as I want to drink your girlfriend's blood! But for now I will satisfy my urges by breathing my undead breath all over your pretty face! Do you smell ... morethat, loverboy? It is the blood of a human being I just ate as a snack! HAAAAAAHHHH!
EDWARD: It's not working. For you see, I do not actually need to breathe, and if I do not breathe, I cannot be troubled by your odiferous oral issue.
JAMES: Nobody likes a smarty pants.
EDWARD: And nobody likes a vampire who doesn't floss. You should see the condition of your molars, you dastardly cur.
JAMES: Are they really that bad?
EDWARD: Well, I'd stay away from taffy and from people with really thick necks. You never know what's going to happen.
JAMES: Thanks, dude.
EDWARD: Now, die! For the sake of true love, die!
JAMES: At this point, I'd love nothing better. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BELLA: So did you do the chemistry homework?
EDWARD: Like, 100 years ago.
BELLA: No, seriously. Quit making jokes about our age difference. I have to do my homework before I go home and cook my dad his dinner.
EDWARD: You are a magnificent flower and the sweet cherry atop my... more life's sundae. Marry me and your life will be distilled bliss, for I do not eat food that requires cooking, and I am rich enough that your chemistry grade matters not a whit.
BELLA: Um, let's not talk about what you eat.
EDWARD: Your wish is my command, fragrant blossom.
BELLA: I don't understand how you can say that. I'm just a plain, awkward girl who needs to strap herself to the commode so she doesn't fall off. Accident-prone is my middle name.
EDWARD: I will sneak into your bathroom and offer my steady, marble-like arms as your supports. No harm shall come to you, my pet.
BELLA: OK, but you have to be really quiet about it and stuff, because my dad is, like, the police chief and even though he can't cook his own dinner, he will totally OWN your undead badonkadonk if he catches you.
EDWARD: (Laughs) Did you just see that? I sprinted to the end of these mossy rocks and back in less time than you took to say badonkadonk.
BELLA: Kiss me unchastely, you sexy beast.
EDWARD: Let's do your chemistry first, and then we shall go for a ride in my Volvo.
BELLA: See? I am ugly. My vampire boyfriend doesn't even want to neck.
LAURENT: Hey, did anyone lose a baseball? We found one about ten kilometres back.
JAMES: And we'll totally trade it for that klutzy-looking brunette standing behind home plate. Hello. Anyone?
VICTORIA: Told you they wouldn't go for it, James. They're obviously having too much fun playing with their food.
LAURENT: You mean you're not planning to eat the human later?
JAMES: You're crazy! Have you smelled her? I would totally eat that!
VICTORIA: James, I'm standing RIGHT HERE. JAMES: What if we ate her together?
VICTORIA: I could go for that.
LAURENT: Oh, you two... How is it that I am the only single vampire here? Everyone's seen my abs, right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BELLA: I like this jacket a lot better.
EDWARD: I will burn the other and sprinkle the ashes in the four corners of the Earth, so that it never offends you again.
BELLA: You're amazing.
EDWARD: You're amazing.
BELLA: No, you are.
EDWARD: I said it first.
BELLA: No, ... moreactually, I did. Just look at the transcript.
EDWARD: You're right, my alabaster fairy. Would you mind scooting away from the waterfall? You're making me nervous.
BELLA: So are you saying I'm clumsy? I knew it. You couldn't possibly love me. You are like a god and I am an adolescent head case.
EDWARD: Shh, love. Don't talk. Let me carry you on my back as though you were either a toddler or a sack of potatoes. Then we will ride in my Volvo and not engage in any carnal activities whatsoever.
BELLA: You're amazing.
EDWARD: No, you are. (Repeat...) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ROSALIE HALE: Ugh. There she is, that human brat Bella, with her scent that my fake brother Edward finds so darned irresistible. She will be the death of us all with her clumsy ways and noisy, American-made truck. Why can't she find herself a nice, human boyfriend? There are certainly a horde of stinky ones gathering around her, like flies to honey. Where is my Emmett? I must go to him so we can kill a wild animal together and drink of its blood. If I still ate, that silly human would make me want to puke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~EDWARD: Oh my God! What happened to your ears! Did someone hurt you, my love?
BELLA: What? I can't hear you. I'm listening to my MP3 player and rocking out. Have I told you today that you are gorgeous? Your torso looks like it's carved from marble. Who cares that your skin's so cold... more I have to wear a blanket when we snuggle? You're yummy!
EDWARD: OK, if you can't hear me, then I will whisper the words I've longed to utter for a century. I love you. Love, love, love, kissy, kissy.
BELLA: Um, Edward, I was just kidding. I can still hear you when I have my earbuds on.
EDWARD: I meant every word of it. You are the sweet love of my life. My nostrils flare to embrace your intoxicating scent.
BELLA: Do you have any Tic Tacs? I feel like I should, I don't know, eat a breath mint or something. We're going to kiss soon, right? EDWARD: I fear my passions will overwhelm me. Let us just hold hands and take another ride in my swift, swift Volvo.
BELLA: Can't hear you. Earbuds. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BELLA: I know Edward means well, but when he holds my hands behind my back like this, I sort of feel like I'm being arrested and being arrested reminds me of my dad, and when I'm standing right next to my boyfriend, I don't really want to be thinking about my dad and handcuffs, you know? It just doesn't feel right.
EDWARD: She is so wobbly! If I weren't holding her like this, she would fall over. Do you think she has an undiagnosed inner ear infection? Carlisle could prescribe some antibiotics. I will ask him to do so immediately. Otherwise, Bella might die and then the rest of my immortality would be a prison of sorrows.
JAMES: OK, see, when I force you into the light? Your skin is definitely sparkly.
EDWARD: Oh, and you are laboring under the illusion that you yourself do not glisten like little girl's toy pony?
JAMES: I'm nowhere near as sparkly as you, you prig. Look at my hands. I haven't... more washed in weeks. It definitely tones down the gleam.
EDWARD: I can't really see your hands, not when they are wrapped around my windpipe. Do you mind releasing me a moment, so I can more fully appreciate your skin-care technique?
JAMES: Not a bit. Check it, dude. Pure filth. It masks my scent so when I am tracking humans, like your delicious girlfriend, all they smell is 100 percent animal stink.
EDWARD: Psyche! I will now slam your body into this mirror with total disregard for the fact that breaking it will cause me seven years of bad luck which will start immediately in the sequel to "Twilight."
JAMES: Sequel?
EDWARD: Yes, you moron. Even though there are people who travel to rinky-dink Forks to see Bella's house and purchase uniforms worn by the local cheerleaders, we are all as fake as Nigerian banking chain letters.
