Opening Up

The "Open" Letter

• Everyone has a bad experience in their life. Is it their destiny what happens to them after it, or is it by choice or situation? We all have different beliefs. But Decay is written from my point of view, my belief. I don't think despaired, suicidal, hopeless people are weak. In fact, I think they are strong. True, some take their lives and are missed forever, but at least they're not afraid to look at things seriously. I don't think it's the right thing to usually turn a blind eye to your life. In many cases, we all have been in that spot. Most of us have at least thought of suicide. What you can deal with, usually isn't what the next person can deal with too. We are all different. I think it's quite naive for those who say that suicide is a "weak" escape out. In the end, it's always up to the person feeling the pain, we can only guide them.
• Layne Staley, of Alice In Chains, died from a heroin overdose (as I've been informed anyway). Some can say, he's "weak". However, for the last 2 years of his life, he was fighting the battle against the addiction and for awhile, from what I've learned, he was winning. That's power, that's strength. It's just that one bad night decided all. Is that enough to decide his whole life? I think that's the dumbest thing I've heard. The same can be said of Kurt Cobain. His strength was honesty. He just wanted to remain good old Kurt, and battled many problems for most of his life. He survived 27 years, the person next to him may have committed suicide at 17. Janis Joplin was another taking the addiction in her own hands. She was off of cocaine for over a year and was winning. One night. She took her regular dose of cocaine, and it killed her.
• The point of Decay isn't to whine over someone's loss, even though it may not end in suicide. The point is to stop judging and try to put yourself in that person's shoes. I know someone who takes failure very harshly, it hurts them bad. To me, failure is a state of life. Another I know has trouble with alcohol, I don't have the same problem. Another needs someone to depend on all the time and to feel that they have a purpose, I'm not the same. And me, who feels that I'm just not belonging and wondering why Battle Cry goes on, you may not feel the same. It's all in that one person's heart.
• I was in a out-patient program after the in-patient due to my overdose in 1996. A girl, I'll call her Deb, told us a story of how her friend called her one night. She said that she loved how Deb looked in her green dress. Deb heard her say, "please wear it to my funeral", she then heard a gunshot and then dead silence. Deb knew her friend as being happy. What does this mean? Not that we should be afraid that our friends are going to take their lives over the phone, but that things are never as they seem unless you look close enough. Deb thought she was find, but her friend felt some pain horrible enough to not find a way out. My overdose was caused over panic, no one saw it coming. Did they realize the severe isolation and despair? I don't think so. We only let people learn what we want them to know.
• Each one of us locks up sometimes. We decide that we just don't want to deal with it. Severe depression is dealt with often in the same way. Not many troubled people will blurt out everything that is bothering them. I would like to learn one day why that is. I think, in my opinion, it's either guilt or shame. They should be stronger, they're selfish for feeling this way, or so they think. I'd put money that at least 50% of suicides are because of those two feelings, not the actual situations. It's the domino effect. You start to sink and then you bring yourself back up, but those parts are damaged as you know you have weaknessses. Then as you sink again you find new weaknesses. And, depending on the person, this cycle may continue repeating. Each time you sink, you lose more hope, you feel less important, until you get to the point of where you begin to wonder what the point is. Cowardly? No. Tragic? Yes.
• If I were to suddenly tell you that nobody really liked you and that you were a horrible person, you'd feel something. Most of us would get pissed, but the brain has a feature called doubt. We may get mad at that statement, but each of us, even for a second, will contemplate whether or not it's true. And for some, it is the first domino. When we grow up, many statements that are said to us make up who we are. One may have been picked on in high school. For you, that may be just life. But, put yourself in their shoes, it may bother you and fuck you up as well. A mother screaming at her child that she curses the day they were born, or a father beating his daughter because he wishes she was a boy. These things are actually happening everyday. And each and every one of us plays a role.
• Human nature, I feel, is to basically destroy ourselves. We claim to be so intelligent, yet we do dumber things than most other animals. And we are animals. A certain animal may eat their young. It is cruel. But look at us, we do the same. We have a father who comes home one day and hates his life and he blames his family. He loses it and kills them all. It's the same thing. Do I think we can save the world? No. There are too many people too bring it to a complete end. However, we can change the normalsy of it. It doesn't have to happen so often. Women don't have to get raped everyday. Men don't have to be murdered just because of the small fact that they are gay. People don't have to die because a terrorist feels that their religion is wrong.
• The role we all play is simply role-model. I admire a person more if they took years of pain and tried to find meaning in their life, who was broke, and lost. No real decent job. I wouldn't admire a person as much who was a CEO, and had a great family, and lived in their own world. For me, I survived an overdose and cheated death. That may have inspired someone. It may have been a person very close to me even, I'll never know probably. But just holding onto that is what makes it all worth it. Today, I bring to you lyrics and music. It may comfort some when more people hear it, and that is the point. Not the record sales or how much money I make. If I can just make one person stop crying and find that meaning in their life to help them go on, then my life has not gone to waste. Truth is, many people (and to some point myself as well) are afraid to make that difference because we are afraid ourselves. Confidence is an illusion. We are all vulnerable to any of this.
• I think if we all took a good look at ourselves, we'd find many things that we don't like. It's not good to dwell on them, but it is beneficial to calmly explore those things. Panic can cause some serious situations
• In short, this what I hope we could be, although I doubt I'll ever live to see it if it does happen. It's good to be honest. Without war, there is no love. Without evil, there is no good. A place where we admit to ourselves that we are not perfect, we try to make a difference in the person next to us, we respect those who are different and who we often may disagree with. Most of us think we're right, but most of us aren't. Including me. This is just me rambling on what's in my heart. Is it right? No. Everyone is different, so one person may read this and think "Wow, I can't believe I know that dumbass". While another may go "Wow, That makes a lot of sense". This is probably why there is so much misunderstanding in the world today. Why can't the Taliban respect the Christian world. Or can't some guy respect another guy, who just happens to be gay. Something that has no impact on the first guy's life.
• Yet there's so much bullshit in the world. A guy kills his girlfriend because he thinks she is cheating on him. A woman flushes her fetus down the toilet because she's afraid and not ready to be a mother. Humans greatest failure? To take responcibility. Everyone begun as good people and everyone can find their good part again. However, they shouldn't find absolution by it as we are all responcible for our own actions
• This is how I will end this. I read today about a man whose grandson fell into a resevoir and was drowning. He jumped in to save him, and achieved success. However, he fell fatal to the same fate. He literally gave his life for his grandson. Did it matter how many girls he slept with, or what kind of car he drove, or whether or not he had a good job. No. It mattered that he was so unafraid to make a difference. Each one of us wakes up a hero, everyday.
• -Brian Wardwell