Because you wound me...
May you roast in hell for all the mistakes you make in your fanfiction.
WELCOME.
The following is a list written by myself and a coauthor, the Honorable Doctor Sydney Real, of general crap that bugs us in fanfiction. Naturally, I have committed most of these sins. But I try not to. Really.
Before we start, some of you might be saying to yourself, "Wait just a god damn minute. What gives you the right to tell me that I suck?" Well, quite frankly, that's an excellent question. And in order to properly show you WHY we're not just being pretentious assholes (because that's an entirely seperate issue altogether) here's a list of our...ah...qualifications:
Alias, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Days of Our Lives, Homicide, A Knight's Tale, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Savage Garden, Trainspotting, The X-Files, X-Men and so much more!
okay, then. on with the show...
WAYS NOT TO START A SEX SCENE:
As hard as it is to attempt a plot while writing pure smut, keep in mind that some readers choose integrity over crap, and most of these initiatives are crap:
-No sexual board games, especially when the main characters are drunk on tequila.
-Hotels rarely have one room left, and when they do, it is STILL unlikely that there is only one bed in that room.
-Do NOT have your characters go undercover as a married couple, and make them HAVE to share a hotel room/apartment/house
-Do NOT break the air conditioner
-Do NOT have the lights mysteriously break
-Do NOT have one character show up sauced and horny on the other's doorstep if they have lead a previously straightlaced platonic relationship
-Avoid the office (unless its in a narrative fantasy; its been over done)
-No screwing in the movies, please. (sure, Mulder has many years of pent up sexual frustration, but he's not a 16-year-old boy.)
-NEVER EVER have them get turned on by massage. I know it happens, but has anyone ever read this? It's trash.
-Avoid all sexual connotations to the product Ben Gay
RULES DURING A SEX ACT
Things not to say:
-It's my first time, so be careful. There's got to be a better way to get this point across.
-Wrong hole
-I want you inside me.(I hope so, because thats where it goes!)
-Fuck me long and fuck me hard.
-I am going to fuck you. (DUH.)
-Avoid use of the character's full name. This kind of blows the scene, especially in fics where the character has a long name (a personal favorite: an orgasmic declaration of love to one Jennifer Rose Horton Deveraux Blake. 5 names. Stop the pain!)
-"I Love You." It's a great phrase, yes. But all the loving meaning is taken out of it when it's professed right after sex. Can't we think of a better time to say it than right after (or during) orgasm?
-NEVER try to spell the character's name orgasically, like "Scuuuu-lllll-eeeeee!!", which I have seen too many times to count.
-Avoid saying "Oh, God." God doesn't want to know what you're doing, who you're doing, or the weird faces you make while you're doing it.
-No referring to the twins as "boobies".
-"Roll over" or "Grab your ankles." This is hard to do tastefully or in a way that sounds even remotely sexy.
-Put it in me. Once again, congratulations on figuring out where it goes!
-That last line, followed by, "It's already in." Unless it's a parody fic. Then we applaud you.
General Rules:
-No fucking in a lake. Absolutely, positively not enough lubrication.
-Avoid fucking against a wall/in the shower. Most men are not that strong. The only exception to this I can think of would be Buffy fic, where both she and her vampiric partners posess superstrength. But still.
-Be especially careful of wording and positioning during sex in the bath scenes
-Be aware of wording in sex scenes in the bathtub. Remember, Daniel will need to breathe at some point.
-NO Mary Sues with someone under the age of 14. Go through puberty first. Then join the club. (Actually, I'm entirely against Mary Sues at all, but that would take a whole website to get the ranting out. Moving on.)
-NO FUCKING IN A CARWASH.
-No fucking while in a dangerous place when the characters lives are at stake, but they ignore this because they're too over come by their sexual libidos.
-Please make sure all the clothes come off (if that's your intention). It's really hard to have sex with someone when they're still in underwear.
-No pity fucking.
-Please, please, please remember that anal penetration hurts unless done slowly and with proper lubrication. Anything else is practically rape, so be careful what you're doing. Go find some Slash Tip sites if you need help with this. It's worth the research.
This guide by no means is trying to stop all smut fic as such, but remember that if a sex scene is written in one of these locations, it should be stunningly original and creative. Readers can only take so much of the same place over and over again.
USE OF MUSIC/POETRY, ETC.
-When using a classical song, you must describe something about the way the song sounds. If you do not, the whole idea of the song even being mentioned in the first place is lost and it sounds like you're just trying to show off how much you know about Chopin.
-Do not quote songs in long, flowing, italicized passages. Nothing is more annoying to a reader than holding down that scroll bar as lyrics to a song he or she cannot fathom fly by... and keep going... and keep going... Hint: if your song quote is longer than 6 lines, don't bother writing it in, because no one's really going to stop in the middle of the action to try to find the hidden meaning to the lyrics you have written out, a meaning that is most likely found in the way the song is sung, which is only helpful if your reader knows the artist (and if you're being creative, they don't... a conundrum, you say? Exactly).
-If you are writing a song fic, then make it well known that it is so at the start of the fic.
-If you ABSOLUTELY INSIST on writing out the lyrics of a song in your fic, DO IT AT THE BEGINNING, and for Christs sakes, DO NOT EVER, under ANY circumstances on this planet, write them out TWICE. This just makes us reach for a hammer and hack away at the computer screen.
-Click here for THE SARAH MCLACHLAN RULE.
-Unless you really know what you're doing, don't write out the accent. Yesterday I was reading an X-Men fic where the writer suddenly decided to give Rogue back her southern accent. Quote: "Why don't you come ova?" This confused me for countless minutes. How do ova orgasm? How can they CHOOSE to orgasm? Does Rogue have some kind of malfunctioning ova?
-No sudden pet names. (Again, the Buffy exception. Spike calls everyone "Ducks" or "Luv," so I could buy a pet name here.)
-No writing original songs, especially if you're doing a bandfic. I'm sorry, but no matter how hard you try, that song just ain't gonna sound like an Orgy original.
-Poetry fic. Not a big fan. Use this sparingly. They usually come out sounding like trash. Especially the ones on fanfiction.net
RULES FOR A SONGFIC:
You have just heard "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys at least fifty times in the past month on the radio. You decide, in a fit of frenzy, that the best way to remove this song from your head would be to write a fic about it.
Fine. The Good Book condones this. In fact, I have read a very good song fic from this very piece. However, song-fic success depends solely on the way you use it:
- Do not ever EVER have a song fic in which both Mulder and Scully are listening to "Rape Me" by Nirvana at the same time in different locations. That's just plain ignorant.
- When writing a song-fic, simply let the song inspire you, and nothing more. Mulder is a man. Yes, he is an attractive man and he is sometimes nice, and even less times thoughtful. But the fact is, Mulder (or any man, for that matter) would never ever knock on Scully's door one day and start sprouting lines from U2 to her. This is even worse when it's slash. Keep this in mind.
- If your couple has a song thats pretty much a fact known to all of mankind, do not use it in your fic. Too clichéd, by far. How ridiculous is it to read a fic where suddenly, the pair starts dancing and their song comes on the radio? If youre trying to write a touching scene, find something else to do.
- The purpose of a song-fic is to let the reader know what inspired you to write this pice of work. Try not to choose something that will simply freak your reader out. I highly doubt that Darren listens to Marilyn Manson or that Daniel flicks on the tunes of New Kids On The Block while in the bathtub.
Song-fics are tricky. They can only be successful with the right amount of style and elegance. Remember that while the song inspired the fic, it should in no way dictate it. A scene where your main characters end up dancing to the song (and that song just happens to draw parallels between their situation and the lyrics) is fine.
RULES FOR RAPE FICS
These can be done in one of two ways:
1) A female character encounters a horrible stranger/person from her past/creepy person currently in her life that takes advantage of her and rapes her. This awful scenario is compromised even further when her love interest must tend to her wounds, listen to her pain, and take care of her until she can get over the tragedy.
2) A female character gets raped, and you decide it would be a good idea for her to run to her love interest so they can have sex immediately, because people who were just raped really want to have sex as soon as possible.
Wrong.
- If the rape scene itself must be written, make sure to do it with taste. Remember your reader: you never know if youre speaking to someone who has actually been raped or has strong emotions on the topic. Either way, a majority of the fic audience are females, who are born to have strong views on the subject. Writing with careful emphasis and tact will prove extremely beneficial to you and your reputation.
- DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES have your female character jump into the arms of another person and have them have mad sex to forget those woes. THIS, IN NO WAY, IS ACCEPTABLE. Sorry.
- This is an even worse place for the first time scenario. Say Buffy gets raped. Say she has not slept with Spike yet. This would be a HORRIBLE time for Buffy to decide she wants to have sex with Spike for the first time.
- Remember: Research, research, research. It always pays off to tell a story with great detail, especially medical points.
- Dont forget the rape procedure, as in having your female character go to the hospital to get examined or the police hunt to find the rapist. This can only be excluded under the rarest and most well written of circumstances. Besides, its always nice to send a positive message to your audience. Who knows; one day, someone may remember your fic and do the right thing. You may change a life. Think about that.
STYLE
-Do NOT forget to have spaces between your paragraphs. Crammed fics are hard to read.
-Don't be afraid of spell check. Spell check is your friend. Embrace it. Beta readers are wonderful as well, but try to find one who can actually help you, not just one who will tell you "I liked it. It wuz gud."
-Don't be afraid to do reasearch for your fics. If you're doing an AU, that doesn't mean that you can just invent everything...sometimes you still need to obey the basic rules of logic and physics.
-I know it seems like a great idea now, but wait an hour before you send it out. Wait two hours. Reread it. If you still like it, ask yourself why. Chances are, there's got to be something you missed. Sometimes I wish I hadn't published the trash that I did when I did. It's okay to sit on things.
-The Pattern From Hell. This is becoming more and more common as writers fall into a groove during sex scenes. Make sure that no two sex scenes have the same pattern of action. (IE: mutal masterbation, she goes down on him, he goes down on her, they fuck, she has the best orgasm of her life, they cuddle, he smokes, the end.)
AVOID REPITITOIUS PLOTS THROUGHOUT MULTIPLE WORKS
This has also plagued many great writers. Say you have an idea, not a brilliant, albeit a creatively unique one. So you decide to write it in a fic, possibly a vignette or a ficlet. After that, you decide you liked that one so much that youre going to write another one just like it, but in a slightly altered format.
Bad idea. This is an example of the creatively inept. The entire idea behind fan fiction is that a new idea that would never be on the show/music/movie/etc that youre writing for.
Example: (TV fandom) The couple in question accidentally runs into one another in a karaoke bar. Unable to express their emotions in any other manner, each takes to the stage and verbalizes their deep profound love through a song. In the end, they kiss. The End. Weve read this so many times, our brains hurt.
(Music fandom) The stronger member of the band succumbs to his assholiness and admits his wrongdoings to the more sensitive member of the band, therefore resulting in untamed wild and passionate sex and the regrouping of the band/end of their argument. Everyone likes a happy ending, but we'd like to see some twists and turns getting there.
(Movie fandom) Anything right after the credits roll! Booooooring. Work for nuances WITHIN the movie. See how he glances at her? Use that. Work on it.
NEW FANDOMS
When generating fic for a show that is in its first season, it is vital to remember the following things:
-You do not know much about them, and everything that you know now will most likely change before the season is out. Predicting plot lines is just fine, as long as they are far-fetched and completely original. If you've read at least five other fics on the topics, it's been done; move on. This is not personal, its for your own sake. Readers can only take so much of the "what if?" idea that has been done repeatedly.
-Be the first to do something great, something incredible. Write the first long fic, the first novella, the first NC-17. Readers get annoyed when they go to fanfiction.net (where all of the first fics are, of course) and find the same old 11K stories. Take your time; plots are fun, sex is fun, so a plot with sex is a ton of fun.
-Don't quote Sarah McLachlan. Ever. See above for details.
And for God Sake, above all else, don't be a feedback whore. Everyone wants feedback, but don't be annoying about it...threats to stop writing are especially irksome to me.
if you've read this far and you're still pissed off, i'm sorry. i guess you just don't have a sense of humor. got some more rules for us? check out the contacts section and give us some info.
