Not Enough
Archive: Take it if you want, but please tell me where it's going
Rating: PG-13 for angstiness
Disclaimer: I don't own Lee, Kirke does...everyone else belongs to themselves. Don't sue, imitation is the highest form of compliment.
Note: I always wondered how the REST of the band took the news. That spawned together with the song "Bed of Lies" by Matchbox Twenty and presto, latenight plot bunnies. Oh, and give me feedback. It's yummy in my tummy.
It's snowing on this late winter afternoon, and there's no reason for me to be here. No reason at all.
I can't help but wonder if he wanted me here. Some niggling voice in the back of my mind suggesting that he actually cared about me being here. But I know that's not true. I know he's still mad at me.
I can see him from where I hide in the warm sanctuary of the building's lobby, smoking out on the street. His shoulders hunched against the cold, brushing his hair off his face. He's been smoking a lot more lately, Daniel has. I never really minded; it's Darren's job to get mad about Daniel's habit, not mine. No, I'm just supposed to hide in the shadows and be nice and quiet and supportive to both the conflicting sides. I have no position. I'm not Dan's best friend, Ben has that covered. I'm not the Darren's pillar of strength, Karl. I'm just Lee. Just here. Just existing is enough lately.
He's lighting up again, my mind filling in the metallic snick I know the lighter is making, but that I still can't hear because of the heavy glass that seperates us. No reason for me to be here, because he's still mad at me. Probably will be for the rest of his life.
He said it wasn't enough just to be sorry. But I don't know what else I can be, I don't know what will make him forgive me, even after I apologized a thousand times.
My breath fogs the glass doors, hazing over the Village Roadshow emblem, and then fading away into nothing. I watch him glance up suddenly to the gray sky, knowing how much he hates this city. How much he hates any city that isn't home. The white snow coats everything, but the city still feels dirty. He tugs his coat around him tighter, sheilding against the frost, refusing to give up his cigarettes for the refuge of warmth inside the building.
I wonder if I asked Darren to let me leave, maybe I could just go back to the hotel and pretend that none of this happened. But then I'd have Ben mad at me, too...for abandoning Daniel. That's how it works these days. Karl and Darren versus Ben and Dan. And I'm just supposed to balance both of them. To be honest, I don't really care if Dan wants to take a break. That's his business. And Ben's got his own thing now...
Karl's stopped speaking with me since he found out about Dan and I. At first I was afraid he would tell Darren, that I'd have tipped the scales too far one last time. But Darren never said anything, so I guess Karl decided to keep it to himself. Probably thought the shame of someone else knowing would be enough punishment for me.
It was. But it didn't stop me from returning to Daniel's bed every night to play his sadistic little games.
Karl said I was better than him. Better than Daniel, that is. I don't really see how any one person can be better than anyone else, but I kept my mouth shut. I do that a lot lately, especially after what happened last week.
He can't accept that it's really me, Daniel can't. He likes to pretend it's someone else he's fucking, someone else he's brought into this place where I don't belong. But his hands make me weak, and I know that I need him.
I rub my bloodshot eyes. I haven't slept much since last week.
Last week, when I said his name. Eyes blazing, lost in the moment, hazed by passion, what ever you want to call it, that was me. Only someone who's been touched, really touched, by Daniel can know what he does, how he brands you to his senses. It's impossible to forget his touch after that. And lost in that moment of imagination, that fantasy that this was all real and that he wanted ME, the person, instead of the idea of sex, I forgot my place, and I said his name.
He threw me out. I haven't been to his room in a week, and it's killing me slowly. To be able to watch him like this, when he doesn't know it, but have this hollow pounding feeling in me at the same time, is almost unbearable. I can't take the emptiness that he leaves me with when he accuses me with his eyes. I can't forge anymore vacant smiles when Darren asks me if I'm alright.
At this point, I'd be satisfied with a simple escape. Getting out. Running away. Never having to think about solving the band's problems again. I really don't care. I can find other work. It doesn't matter to me.
But if they split, I'll never see Daniel again.
As I glance up and realize he's moved, panic seizes me. And then I see him walking towards me, coming through the doors, breaking my haven with a rush of snowy air. He hesitates in front of me, something other than hate and accusations flooding his expression for a split second. He smells like winter and nicotine.
"Lee, I'm..." He looks down at me, nervously. I step away from him slowly. If he says it, then it means he cares.
Right?
"I'm sorry," he manages, his gaze slipping away to the floor.
"It's not enough just to be sorry," I threw back at him. Daniel's words coming out of my mouth. That's how it had always been, and how it would be again tomorrow when I went back to his bed stealthily in the middle of the night, creeping along the dirty carpet in the hotel hallways of whatever city we would be in next week, next month, next year.
Daniel's words coming out of my mouth, but for once, it was what I wanted.
end