journal 1/17/00
You may fall asleep and never wake up.
That just keeps running through my head like this bad dream, only I know I'm awake, because no one dreams like this. My whole life is a nightmare.
I didn't want to do anything yesterday. I just stood in the middle of the room, I was on my way to somewhere, but I didn't care enough to go. So I just stood there, thinking, "what really matters to you?" and nothing came. It is the worst feeling in the world.
after standing there for a while i just freaked out. i just stared crying again. and i hate to cry. I HATE IT. It's like bulimia and suicide; only weak people do it.
but i'm alright now. i woke up and painted my nails (and ignored the little voice in my head that says "you're a boy, why are you wearing nail polish?") and now i am writing in my journal again because i have nothing better to do with myself but sit and listen to 'Tourniquet' a bunch of times.
and now my mom is yelling at me because she's sick of the music.
and the makeup, and the nail polish, and the hair, and the clothes, and the list goes on forever, because she hates me and everything i am and why can't she see i wont change? i like myself the way i am. i was not put here to please ANYONE, especially not her or that bastard she's married to.
not that dad was any better.
but still.
mansons new album is coming out soon. i felt this interesting feeling that could have been happiness when i read that. but it was probably something else. he's making a movie too 'holy wood.' so we'll see. if it's a movie they just sell i'll buy it and bring it home and listen to mom complain about "my musical tastes for a man who rapes goats and sleeps with other people in his band" and i'll yell at her because he DOESN'T rape goats and if he wants to sleep with twiggy or ginger or whoever, it's HIS business but he's engaged anyway so I dont see that happening anytime soon.
but if by some chance the bastards at the film companies will release a movie by a NON-CHRISTIAN, well then i will go to the theater and sit in there with the three other people in this fucking trash town that like Marilyn's music. but they wont be into it ANYWAY because they are only nonconformist cos they think it's 'in', not because they get it at all. so as soon as some new fucking trend comes along they'll pick that up and go back to their "baby-doll t's" and pink chap stick.
and i don't really feel like writing so i'll be back later.
journal 1/19/00
just got back from my first therapy session. I DON'T NEED THERAPY. this fucking asshole thinks he knows me, thinks he knows why i'm 'regressing', he actually SAID "you should be thankful that your mother is an atheist, if you were in a christian or catholic family it would be much harder for you."
no harder at all. i'd just be far more offensive. people would whisper to each other when they saw me "that's the christian boy gone bad!" how fun. i told him that. he looked at me like he didn't get it (which he didn't), and then i told him i wanted to have the dentist graft porcelain onto my teeth so i could have fangs.
i don't think i'll be going back to that guy.
i DO think i'm gonna have to listen to my mother talk shit to me.
journal 1/20/00
life is slowing falling into meaninglessness. nihilism is so horrible, but i feel myself drifting there more and more each day. there is no reason for this. i dont feel like getting up in the morning. i dont feel like doing anything. i FEEL ALONE. there is nothing and no one here for me.
journal 1/27/00
today i found an interesting song.
"They're coming to take me away, ha ha
They're coming to take me away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha
To the happy home,
With trees and flowers
And chirping birds
And basket weavers
Who sit and smile,
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away HA HA........
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful ALL the time
And I'll be happy to
See those nice young men
In their clean white coats
And their coming to take me away HA HA........
They're coming to take me away, ha ha
They're coming to take me away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha"
...................more later.
journal 1/24/00
transvestites are so awesome. They are just so fucking awesome.
journal 1/27/00
maybe i should explain my last entry. i just saw 'the rocky horror picture show.'