By, BloopBleepBlop
It was a bright sunny day in Eagleland and…wait a
second! This is a story about odd
people doing odder things! If you want
a nice happy story go buy a copy of Better Homes and Gardens!
Well anyway it was pouring down rain in Onett, as
usual. And Ness was stuck inside with
nothing to do, as usual. Ness’ mom was
about to suggest he help out with cleaning the toilets when the doorbell rang.
“Dodged a bullet there,” said Ness.
It was Poo.
He was very excited about something and told Ness to get ready and come
to his palace. Then he teleported
away. Ness thought it was odd of Poo to
be so secretive, but followed his request.
One hour later the whole gang was in the basement of
Poo’s palace. Poo pulled out an old
scroll and showed it to everyone.
“Well that clears everything up! Because I can read Dalaamese!” exclaimed
Ness.
Uninformed about sarcasm, Poo said, “You do? When did you learn it?”
“Never mind,” said Paula. “What did you want to show us?”
“People have thought this to be a myth for
centuries. But now I have found
it! It is all mine!” exclaimed Poo.
“But what is it?” inquired Ness.
“This is how to learn Brain Shock Zeta!” exclaimed
Poo.
“Ummm…what is Zeta?” asked Ness.
“Zeta,” explained Jeff, “Is the letter ‘Z’ in the
Greek alphabet.”
“So, when
are you going to learn how to use Brain Shock Neta?” Ness inquired.
“Zeta,” corrected Jeff.
“Whatever it is, when are you learning it?” Ness
said impatiently.
“Learn it? I
would never learn it. According to the
text terrible things will happen when you learn it. I thought you said you could read Dalaamese.”
“Ummm…I can its just I don’t have…my reading
glasses.”
“You don’t wear glasses.”
“They’re new.”
“Oh.”
Three hours later after everyone went home Ness
teleported back to Poo’s basement and found the scroll.
“Well if I listened to everything that Poo said I
probably would be doing a lot better in school but I don’t.” Ness thought.
He started reading off the things that he needed to
learn Brain Shock Zeta.
“A balloon, a monkey, a treadmill, a hamburger, a
laser, and a bunch of mirrors. Well
that shouldn’t be so hard.” Ness
whispered as he teleported away.
The balloon was easy. He had one in his room. However the monkey was hard. Anytime he thought he had it, it would teleport away. He decided to go to a pet store. The store was called Tee Hee’s pet store. He heard that a little girl owned this pet store. Ness thought that if the owner was really a seven-year-old Girl Scout then he might get a deal. A large man greeted Ness as he came in.
“Welcome to Tee Hee’s pet shop. How may I help you?” he said in a deep voice.
“Well, I wanted to talk to the manager.” Ness replied.
“Well I’m the manager, Tee Hee.” Said the giant man.
“You’re a seven-year-old girl?” Ness said with much disbelief in his voice.
“Yes, would you like to buy a Girl Scout cookie?” said the man with the deep voice.
“YOU’RE A THIRTY-FIVE YEAR OLD MAN! HOW CAN YOU BE A GIRL SCOUT?!?!” exclaimed Ness.
“My mommy says it’s hormones and I’ll grow out of it. And stop shouting. You’re hurting my feelings.”
The little girl started crying. Just then her parents came out and started yelling at Ness for making their daughter cry.
“Catching a monkey would be easier than this.” Ness mumbled as he left.
A few minutes later he had his monkey. Or at least his dog, King, that he had dressed up like a monkey. He took his mom’s treadmill and got a hamburger from his backpack. He found a laser in the huge amount of junk that Jeff left at his house. However, he could not find the mirrors. He looked at the diagram and thought the mirrors were unnecessary.
Three hours later Ness had assembled the machine and turned the treadmill on. King was running after the burger and was static powering the balloon. The balloon was attached to the laser. Ness was reading through the book while the laser was powering up and noticed an asterisk next to the word mirror. He looked at the back of the scroll read what the asterisk meant. The scroll said:
“The mirror is the most important part or the laser beam will hurt.”
“Uh oh,” Ness said, just as the laser fired.
With the intensity of an atomic explosion Ness was propelled backwards from the machine. When Ness landed he made an imprint in the snow. He had been blown in to Winters. When he looked up Jeff was sitting next to him in a lawn chair.
“Darn. My calculations were inaccurate by seventy-three, seven hundred thirty fourths of an inch.” Jeff said.
“Ummm…if you don’t mind my asking, how did you know what would happen?” asked Ness.
“Well,” said Jeff, “I added the intensity of the laser to the maximum speed of King and then multiplied it by…”
“Okay! Okay! Yeesh…sorry I asked!” replied Ness.
“Well, now you possess the ability of PSI Brain Shock Zeta,” said Jeff.
“Well, now I need to try it out. How about on you Jeff?”
“No thank you. I am not irrational, like you are.”
“I’m not irrational!
“Well, learning an attack that will bring ‘terrible things’ upon myself and others is considered irrational in my mind.”
“Well your just jealous.”
“No, I am wholly certain I am not envious of your death wish. Now if you will excuse me I want to calculate your ensuing landing point.”
Well after hearing Jeff’s speech Ness was ready to try out his new attack. He targeted a Spiteful Crow to attack. He yelled, “PSI Brain Shock Zeta!”
A small light appeared. The light shot out in four directions and a few seconds later came back around the Earth and connected with the origin of the light. It started curving and a deafening roar shook the ground. Then the light just disappeared.
“I wonder what the effects are,” murmured Ness.
Just as he said that the Spiteful Crow started glowing.
“This is new,” said Ness.
Then he heard, “Spiteful Crow used his Super Pity da Foo Death Attack!”
And a large explosion blew a giant crater in the ground and Ness away. About thirty seconds later Ness landed in Fourside. He looked up and to his surprise Jeff was on the other side of the park, passed out. Ness walked over and Jeff was mumbling, “Twelve feet. How could I be off by twelve feet?…”
That was not the only strange thing though. There was a man who had a peanut that he claimed was his wife. A little boy was crying because his dog died. However his “dog” was a sponge on a leash. And strangest of all was a woman who had a flying cat that she called “Petey the Parrot”. Jeff woke up and screamed.
“What’s wrong?” Ness asked.
“I just said ‘I gotta work on my math,’ I said the word gotta! I said the word math instead of mathematifs!” shouted Jeff.
“Don’t you mean mathematics?” Ness asked.
“AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!” yelled Jeff. Then he ran away.
“Well I have to try to have these special moments with Jeff less often.” Ness said.
Now weak enemies were strong, strong enemies are weak and people are all doing odd things. Odder than usual at least.
Ness went to see Poo and found something more unusual than a stupid Jeff. Poo had a McDonalds put into his palace.
“Ummm…Poo you hate western food.” Ness said.
“Well I did,” said Poo, “but now I love it! I want to thank you for learning Brain Shock Zeta.”
Ness was pretty scared. If Poo liked western food, then anything was possible. Ness teleported to Twoson.
Paula was sitting in the preschool when Ness arrived.
“Are you all right?” Ness inquired.
“Is there a reason I shouldn’t be?” asked Paula.
“Well, I kinda learned and used Brain Shock Zeta.”
“Wow. That is unusual. You did something you weren’t supposed to.”
“Okay, okay. This is serious.”
“Well nothing apparent has happened to me. Maybe I like rap music now or something. But the kids were definitely affected. They were good! Do you know how often that happens? NEVER! They’re never good!”
“Why didn’t it affect you?”
“Maybe I’m resistant against anything from working in a preschool.”
“Well your going to help me fix the problem.”
“Why me? It’s your mess, so you fix it.”
“You’re the only sane one apparently.”
