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More of the SoberLady's Story and Writings

Before I got sober, there was a part of me that wanted to be able to help, anyone, anywhere.  But there was a much larger part of me, that had so little self worth and self esteem I could not believe I really had anything to offer.

Here I was a bright, vivacious and intelligent woman on the outside and on the inside I was incapable doing anything to care for myself or my daughter, let alone do any caretaking for anyone else out there in the world.

Then I got sober and people like you, in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous began to love me alive.  I was so dead inside and didn't even know it.  But they knew it. They cared enough to keep me safe and warm, in those oh so many wonderful AA hugs; until I began to believe that I had some kind or worth, some kind of value.

Over the years, I have been able to give at least a portion of that back to other people in those very same rooms.  I have learned to be a loyal wife, a loving mother and grandmother.  I've had the opportunity to rebuild relationships with my parents and brothers and sisters.  I have learned how to be a true and caring friend.  I have had the honor of being called sponsor.  But even more than all of that, I have been given the gift of learning how to love and trust and respect myself.  This may be the greatest part of caretaking I will ever be able to have.

Several years ago, I developed a debilitating disease in my back as the result of a fall.  Ever since then I have had to learn how to live a totally different life.  I can no longer do most of the things that my life used to consist of.  So I have had to learn how to do as much of what I can do, as often as I can do it.  I have had to learn to listen to my body and take care of it a whole lot more than I ever did before.  I have had to learn whole new ways of communicating, so that I can allow myself to tell others what I need.  I have had to learn how to let others help me, even though I would rather be helping them.  I have also had to learn how to ask for help (still not doing very good at this one).

Also, since I can no longer work a job-job, I have had to learn how to spend time with God as I understand him.  This was one of the most difficult things to do, since I now had so much time on my hands and so little to fill it up with.  At first I didn't recognize the opportunity that had been given to me.  I wanted my old life back.  There are a lot of bad parts about the new life.  But most of it is just different and some of it is real different.

Today, caretaking has a lot more to do with doing for myself and others in ways I never thought of before.  I pray for others a lot.  I talk with program people on the phone.  I do a whole lot of program things on the net.  I do a lot of things to make me feel better physically.  And probably the one thing I am learning how to do the most today is to stop trying so hard to take care of others, since today I have to let them do for me (not always because I want to, but because I need to).

They told me when I got sober things would get worse, then better, then different, then real different.  I never had any idea what real different would be like. But today I know that my life is real different from what I ever thought it would be.  As a result I have become real different from who I used to be.

Thank God and people like you, for the changes have been so rewarding.


 So there it is there....the Big 3.....Relationships, Money, and Sex. Three areas where we hold the majority of our resentments....just how do/did you handle these areas?

Okay, so I guess I am ready to attack this one.  And that is how I have felt about this one - attacking it.

Now I think I am ready to write about the "Big 3".

Relationships - before I got sober, I thought I was a pretty decent person and that I would do anything I could to help others.  But the truth was there were always a lot of strings attached.  My intentions were always good and pure, but the result was not always so good or pure.

I was not a very good friend, so I did not have a lot of friends.  I was not a very loving family member, so I was estranged from most of my family.  I was not faithful or loyal to the man/men in my life, so my relationships with husband/s or boyfriend/s were not very successful.

Today, the program has taught me how to be a friend and as a result I have a lot of very good friends.  It has taught me the importance of family, so I have worked really hard to mend fences and build bridges back to the members of my family.  It has taught me the value of loyalty, faithfulness and honesty in my love life, so I have been married to the same man for almost
12 years.  It has not always been easy, but today it is working and I can be very proud of myself in my marriage and no longer have to be ashamed of my actions.

Money - like so many of us, I ain't got none.  We have enough to meet our needs and sometimes to even get some of our wants through the judicious use of juggling.  We have even started to clean up and build up our credit.  The next thing for us to serious work on is some sort of financial nest for us to live in when we retire in about 20 years or so.  Our plans for that got
side-tracked due to my injury/physical condition.  But that doesn't mean that we won't be able to work toward this.  It just means we will have to do it differently than we had planned.

In the mean time, Bob goes to work and brings home his paycheck and then we figure out where it has to go and how to get through till next pay day.  And I work on continuing with the legalities of my slip and fall.  We don't count on winning the lottery or having a rich uncle die and leave us everything (cuz we don't have one).  And we make plans for how to build for
our future.

This of course is really unusual since neither one of us thought we would ever live to see 30 or 35.  But now that I am 47 and he is 42, almost 43, we have decided maybe we will be able to look towards the future.  Wow, what a concept.

Sex - Before I got sober, sex was a tool, more often a weapon, which I used in order to get what I wanted or needed.  For that I was ashamed of myself and my actions for a very long time.

But today, sex is a gift which I share with only one person, my husband.  It is the physical manifestation of the love we have for each other.  It is no longer a tool.  It is no longer a weapon.  It is no longer a game.  I no longer have to be ashamed of anything I do because I only do it with the one person who has a right to it.

The program has taught me to be a lady in public and that I can do whatever I want, in the privacy of my own bedroom, with my husband, anytime I want, with no shame, guilt or remorse of any kind.

The Big Book says: "We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, anf for the strength to the right thing." page 70.  When Bob and I were married we wrote our own vows, from the writings in the Big Book (a copy is available to anyone who is interested).  We continue on a daily basis to attempt to live up to those vows.  So far we are succeeding most of the time, which is why I believe we are still married to each other.

It pleases me that I have had the opportunity, through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, to work toward becoming a much better person than I was and to live much more rightly, particularly in the areas of relationships, money and sex, then I ever could have imagined while I was still drinking.

It truly is a path of progress not perfection and today I continue to progress....and the journey continues.....

The following is part of the heated debate which followed the reading of an article which appeared in the Village Voice (online). You can read the article by clicking on http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0119/mt.shtml

Thanks Bob.  I did find this interesting.  First  of all, this is my opinion. Thank God for our Tradition 10 that we have no opinion on outside issues and this article is definitely an outside issue.  I have no problem with people sharing about drugs as long as it is part of their story of recovery and they do not dwell on it.  I am 99% alcoholic and am a firm believer in the 3rd
Tradition and the singleness of purpose.  I get real tired of people telling me times are changing.  Shit I know that.......but I also know that the predecessors to AA tried to help everybody and their problems and they folded.  It tells us in the 12 x 12 about a member with another problem who wanted to join us and they let him but he NEVER talked about his other problem.

Here is The SoberLady's response:

"But what about the real alcoholic?  He may start off as a moderate drinker: he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.

Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control....  As matters grow worse, he begins to use a combination of high-powered sedative and liquor to quiet his nerves so he can go to work. Then comes the day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again.  Perhaps he goes to a doctor who gives him morphine or some sedative
with which to taper off.  Then he begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums.

This is by no means a comprehensive picture of the true alcoholic, as our behavior patterns vary.  But this description should identify him roughly.

Page 21-22,  There Is A Solution, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I want to apologize up front because this touches on one of my soap boxes - so if you don't want to read "my opinion" (and I do not even suggest that it is humble) on this - stop now.

All warnings ignored - proceed cuz I love you all!!!

I print this here only to say that our "singleness of purpose" is to help the alcoholic who still suffers, not to keep people from talking about drugs in AA meetings.  Alcohol just happens to be the first drug which people ultimately end up addicted to that just means the others came along later. The addictive, compulsive and excessive mind will become dependant on whatever drug is most readily available.

I have seen far too many people driven back out into the streets because there are people sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous who think they are "pure alcoholics" just because they don't talk about abusing other things, drugs, food, sex, people, etc., etc., etc.

I am an alcoholic.  I am not dually addicted.  I drank from the age of 12 to 34.  But all the time I was drinking, I used and abused whatever I could get my hands on - yours, mine, legal, illegal, prescribed, recreational, paid for, bought, "borrowed", etc.  I lied, cheated and stole (by not paying my bills so that I could get "wasted" and stay that way most of the time. I abused, family relationships, friendships and was not totally honest with my co-workers.  I was disloyal, dishonest and unfaithful. ETC., ETC., ETC. You guys all know the story 0 been there and done that.  But if I was told I could not talk about the drugs in my story because I was in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, all those years ago when I came crawling into my first meetings well the truth is ... I WOULD BE DEAD NOW!!!

So just for the other side of the story... A drug is a drug is a drug and addiction is addiction is addiction.  If you didn't use and abuse drugs in your drunkalog then you probably just were'nt out there long enough because you probably would have if you had not miraculously found the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Be grateful and use that gratitude to help save the life of someone who just had the opportunity to suffer differently (if not worse) than you did.

End of soapbox.... and the journey continues.....