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The SoberLady's Story

Instead of trying to put it all onto the homepage, The SoberLady has decided for those who are interested in who she is and what she thinks and believes, it will be simpler to put it down here. So for those of you who are interested the following will be the basics of the SoberLady's story, followed by some of her writings on topics relating to alcoholism.

I was born a Navy brat and lived with my parents until they divorced when I was 8 years old.  We lived all over California for most of my life (outside of San Francisco, Los Angeles but mostly all over San Diego).  I started drinking actively at the age of 12 even though I had drank often before that.  I was the kid who busily emptied the leftover drinks out in the kitchen after every party, while I was being a good little girl and helped Mom to clean up from the party.  I drank all through school and even drank on campus during my high school years and suffered many a black out as a result.  

Graduated from high school early, cuz I was too smart for my own good.  Got married, the first time, 2 months after graduating from high school.  I also abused prescription meds for many years during that time (both my own and other peoples).  I discovered both speed and pot during my senior year in high school.  My first husband and I spent alot of time smoking "dope" as our "intoxicant of choice" back when you could get a "four finger lid" for $10.  Our daughter, Brandi, was born in 1976 and we stayed together till she was 4 1/2 years old.  We split up about 1 1/2 years after I met the man who became my business partner and later my second husband.  And of course there were a lot of things that went on during that time that I am not real proud of cuz the three of us lived together in the same house for most of that 1 1/2 years.  

My second husband and I married about 1 year after the first one and I split up.  About the best thing I can say about that is that we were together a total of 7 years from when we first met and I have to be very grateful to him for helping to accelerate my disease.  I did not spend one 24 hour period of that 7 years totally sober.  The chances are that had I not met him I might not have survived to get to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I know this sounds sort of warped but bottom line was that he was an intimidating, obnoxious, abusive, drunken son of a bitch and the years I spent with him probably saved my life.  

I found my way into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous on December 20, 1987 and by the grace of God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have not found it necessary to take a drink or abuse a drug, since that day and for that I will be eternally grateful.  

I met my husband on May 27, 1988 and we dated, lived together and were married on June 24. 1989.  For the most part my sobriety has been easy (like breathing) and marriage has not.  But we continue to work on both and he will soon celebrate 17 years of continuous sobriety and we will soon celebrate 12 years of marriage.  

We moved to Prescott, AZ in July 1995, for many reasons and it continues to be one of the best things we have ever done.  On May 30, 1997 I was injured in a slip and fall accident which left me disabled and unable to work.  It is not what I would have chosen for myself, but as a result of the odyssey I have learned more about myself and grown more than I ever could have imagined possible.  

Brandi just turned 25.  She is divorcing her husband, which I think is a good, although sad thing.  She has two beautiful children, Cristofer, born July 29, 1994 and Charynn, born March 19, 1998.  Bob has a daughter named Shannah.  She is 23 and married to a young Marine from Glendale, AZ.  We hope that both of our children will ultimately move to AZ, but that is also out of our hands.

"How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result, and so into easy, happy, and good living ~ well, that's not only the neurotic's problem, it's the problem of life itself for all of us who have got to the point of real willingness to hew to right principles in all our affairs.

Even then, as we hew away, peace and joy may still elude us.  That's the place so many of us AA oldsters have come to.  And it's a hell of a spot, literally.  How shall our unconscious ~ be brought into line with what we actually believe, know, and want!  How to convince our dumb, raging and hidden "Mr. Hyde" becomes our main task."
Bill Wilson - January 1958

When I first came into the program I was 33 years old.  I had been a wife - several times,  I was a mother, a daughter, a friend - sort of, an employee - not always so valued, and a member of society - not so fine or upstanding. I had the emotional maturity of the 12 year old, I was when I seriously began drinking.

The task before me, in addition to not drinking was to grow up; to become the woman I wanted to be; the woman I should have been at 33 years old.  But how?

Through the process, as laid out by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, of working The Twelve Steps and attempting to live by The Twelve Traditions, I have gradually over the years begun to close the gap between the 12 year old mind and emotions I got here with and the 46 years old that I am now. (Uhmmmmmm, let's see, 12+12.75=24.75, so I am 24 3/4 now; I guess that's catching up!)

When I first got here, it was all I could do to face what my world had to offer to me ~ and required of me, on a daily basis.  Today, I deal with a world which is so far removed from anything I could ever have imagined.

In my drinking years, I drank to escape pain ~ physical, mental and emotional pain.  Today, I stay sober in order to "live life on life's terms" and deal with whatever fear or pain, I might be exposed to.

Today, I barely recognize the young woman I was when I first began this journey.  I can hardly even imagine who and what I will be in the years to come.

I guess I really need to give you some sort of an example of what I am talking about, so here goes.  When I first got here, there were some people in my life for whom I felt such anger and resentment ~ yes, you could say even hatred, that my best thinking, my best solution, could have very well been to pick up a gun and end their miserable lives, so that they could never do to anyone else, what they had done to me.  I did not do this, however, mostly because of fear of the consequences.  So I ended up living with all the animosity I felt towards them and hatred at myself, for what I viewed as my own fear and cowardice.

As I began to work this program, through the loving guidance and support of my sponsor and some very special program members, I began to see that it was necessary for me to begin to view them with gratitude, instead.  I began to realize, I would not be the person I was, good, bad or indifferent, if they had not been in my life.  I also began to realize, if they had not done to me what they did, or what I perceived they had done, I might never have made it to the program, alive.  For this, in a warped sort of way, I had to be grateful to and for them.

Today, through the continuing practice of the principles of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have been able ~ most days ~ to turn them over to God, as I understand him.  The result is that in some cases, I don't have to have any contact with them, any longer, and in other cases, I have the benefit of having a loving relationship with them, which is not totally hindered by our pasts.

I met my sponsor at a friday night meeting, during the summer of 1997.  Summers are hard around here for some of the regular ongoing meetings cuz so many people are on vacation or going to pot-lucks and outdoor meetings.  Often small meetings fold during the summer.  This particular night, I was secretary and there were two people there, besides me.  That's enough for a meeting, as far as I am concerned.  So we decided to hold the meeting outside on the porch.  We could watch the lightening flash over the mountain and we could smoke.  About half-way through the meeting a woman walked up and asked if this was an AA meeting and could she join us?  We told her yes and of course.  By this point we were mostly just talking rather than more formal sharing.  We were talking about problems we had had with our parents as a result of our prior lives and attempting to make amends.  I was talking about my father and how much I wanted a relationship with him.  This woman, who I had never seen before, suddenly said, "You will never have any more of a relationship, with him, than he is willing to have with you.  At least, that is how it has worked out for me!"

I didn't think much about that comment for several days.  But as time passed that one statement began to seep back into my thoughts.  It was several months before I saw her again.  This was several months of real trauma and drama in my life, because it was all taking place shortly after I was first injured and everything in my life was changing.  The night I did, was the night I asked her to be my sponsor.  Of course, she said she would and the rest is history.  She has become not only my sponsor, but my teacher, my guide and one of my very best friends in the entire world and one of my favorite people.  She is also very sneaky, too.  You would not believe how she gets me to do things I don't really want to do, but then that is another story.

Now for a story about the first woman I sponsored.  It was probably my biggest mistake where sponsorship is concerned, but also my biggest learning experience.  I think we all probably have one of these in our sobriety.  She was 21 and cute "as a bug's ear" (whatever that means).  And she was just so damned "needy".  She had no place to live, no money, the clothes on her back, etc., etc., etc.  I was less than a year sober.  So when she asked me to be her sponsor, I was ecstatic.  I helped to get her into a half-way house.  I picked her up and took her to meetings.  I talked to her on the phone every day, visited her at the house every week.  You know the routine. And she was doing so good.  Until the night she climbed out of her bedroom window and went to meet a guy from the men's house which was associated with her's.  The police were called, I was called, her friends were called.  It was a real mess.  She came back the next morning with a big smile on her face, and not a clue about why everyone was upset or worried.

This kind of stuff continued to go on for about 9 months.  She went back out, came back in, ad nauseum.  But of course I knew that if she would just do what I had done (what I told her to do, cuz it had worked for me), she would be just fine.  No dice.  She was still living on cute.  She finally decided I was not the right sponsor for her.  I was shattered.  She continued to do the same old thing.  The last I heard, she had finally, after about 7 years, gotten the message and had managed to put a few years together.

Today, I am so hopeful and happy for her.  I still think of her often, even though I haven't seen her for more than 10 years.  She taught me so much of what to do in my own sobriety.  But more importantly, she taught me what not to do when sponsoring anyone in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I don't always remember to not do them, but that too is another story.