You & I

Kristyn Cunningham - 1999/2000
"Your love is like chocolate melting on the tongue of God." -Jeff Buckley


"Any plans on making a second album?" I teased.

Jeff rolled his eyes. "Third."

"Sin-é was hardly an album. Four songs."

"It was a debut."

"You're avoiding the question. When's this next album due, Mr. Buckley?"

"I have a ton of stuff. I just have to sort through it and decide what I want."

"Give me something, Scottie."

He winced when I used the name his family still called him. "Jeff."

"You'll always be Scottie."

"To my mom, I'm Scottie. To you, I'm Jeff."

"I'm your best friend, Jeff."

He sighed and lit a cigarette. "Whatever. Call me whatever you want." He blew a cloud of smoke into my face, knowing it drove me crazy.

I flicked the cigarette out of his fingers and crushed it against the grass with my heel. "Smoke your death sticks all you want, Scottie. They're going to kill you."

He lit another one defiantly. "Jeff. And maybe I'm tired of sunding like a fag." He savored my pained expression, watching the smoke roll off the hot glow of the cigarette. "The tobacco will make me growly."

I groaned. "Not this again. Jeff, you have a beautiful voice and you know it."

"I just want a little more of a rasp. Then I'll quit- I promise." His tongue made little rings with the smoke, and they floated like a halo around his head.

"Back to this album thing."

"What about it?"

"What are you doing with it?"

"I'm meeting with the guys and we're going to start sorting through things at the end of the month." He exhaled another cloud of smoke and rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"The end of the month," I mused. "I assume you'll go down to Memphis."

"Yeah. Probably near that beautiful marina." He closed his eyes for a moment and I knew that he was already standing on the edge of the water.

"On the Wolf River? That thing is wicked. People drown in that river every summer."

"I'm a big boy, my dear."

I sighed. "Play me a song, Scottie."

Jeff frowned. "Only if you call me Jeff."

I got up from my chair and crept towards him, knocking the cigarette from his hand again and curling in his lap. "Please Jeffie? Play me a song."

He laughed, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and giving me a squeeze. "We're too old for this. Much too old."

I buried my face in his neck, soaking in his cologne. "I don't care. You're my best friend and I love you."

"I can't play anything with you in my lap like a five year old, can I?"

I uncurled myself reluctantly and went back to my chair. "I have a bad feeling about you going to Memphis."

He caught my hand and squeezed it. "I'll call you every day," he smiled. "Don't go packing yourself into my suitcase."

"I'm serious, Jeff. Something's unsettled in my stomach about this whole thing."

"I'm serious, too. I'll call you everyday."

I sighed and dropped his hand. "Okay. And you have to come back for your birthday."

"The big three-one," he grinned, picking up his guitar. "Okay, song time. This one's called 'Yard of Blonde Girls.'" He strummed and started the song.

As he sang, I watched his eyes slip closed as he lost himself in the melody. His full lips embraced the words and pushed them gently from his throat. There was no denying Jeff loved what he did. The proof was all over his face.

He stopped and looked at me. "Well?"

"Jeff, it's amazing. I'm blown away."

He rubbed his hand over his long spikes of hair. "Thanks."

"Do I get to hear more?"

He smiled and set the guitar down. "Maybe some other time. Right now, I have to go." He glanced at his watch. "I'm already late."

"Oh Scottie," I sighed. "Jeff. You'll be late for your own funeral."

He laughed. "I'm sure I will. I'll come in like a zombie." He suddenly stood, his legs stiff and straight out in front of him. He began to stagger around the room and I giggled madly. Then he came over and scooped me ino his strong zombie arms, kissing my forehead.

"Call me every day, Jeff. I'm not kidding," I said, wrapping my arms around his neck.

He nodded solemnly, touching his forehead against mine. "Yes. I will."

"Now put me down, you big rock star oaf."

"Ugh. Me oaf. Me drop you on head," he grunted, dropping one arm and sending my head into a swooping near-collision with the ground.

"Stop it!" I shrieked, clinging onto his leg upside down.

He set me gently on the ground. I gazed up at him.

"Don't leave now," I pleaded.

He knelt down next to me. "I'm going." He cupped his hand under my chin and kissed me, then picked up his guitar and headed across the lawn to his car on the road.

"I love you, Jeff."

He turned around and the sunlight filtered through his dark hair. "I love you, too." His eyes looked puzzled- I had never given him such a hassle about leaving before. But I had never felt as terrified about letting him leave as I did at that moment.

I climbed to my feet and watched him climb into his car. My stomach rumbled its disapproval, and my fingers touched my lips, remembering his gentle kiss. I couldn't understand why I didn't want him to go so badly. All I knew was that I had an overwhelming urge to chase down his license plate, pull him out of his car and just hold him. And never let go.



"The band is coming down tonight," Jeff cried exuberantly.

"I've never heard you so happy, Jeff," I grinned. His elation was contagious.

I"m so excited to get started."

"I'm glad. I'm excited to see you again."

"I'll be up as soon as I can," he promised. "I'm going to go out and grab something to eat... can I call you back tonight?"

"Sure. I'll be here."

"Cool. See you later."

"Bye Scottie."

"See ya, love."

I hung up the phone, thrilled he hadn't corrected me. I picked up a few movies that I had rented and sat down with them. I decided I'd turn them off when Jeff called back.



I realized with a start that the first movie had ended and Jeff hadn't called yet.

"How long does it take that boy to eat?" I wondered aloud.

The phone abruptly rang. I picked it up on the second ring.

"Jeez, Scottie, did you get lost or something?"

There was silence. "I..."

"Mary?" It sounded like Jeff's mother; she'd been crying.

"They can't find Jeff."

"Find? What? I just spoke to him."

"He- went swimming. They can't find him."

I staggered to the couch, falling onto it. "He drowned?"

"They're not sure."

"They? They who, Mary? They who?"

"The police. Search and rescue."

"Jesus Christ," I said raggedly. "Are you there?"

"Yes."

"Can I come down?"

"Of course. We're near that little marina on the Wolf River."

The Wolf River. Sweet Jesus. "I'll be right there."

I drove so fast, disobeying every speed limit sign I saw. Or didn't see. But I don't know why I was driving so fast. I knew already.

Mary and I held each other for a long time when I got there.

"Any news?" I asked anxiously.

She sighed. "None."

"Mary, I know."

"No. Not necessarily."

"It's been three hours! He's dead!" The words were so wrong, so harsh; I cringed as soon as they flew out of my mouth. A few people turned to look at me and I blushed.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I shouldn't have said that."

She closed off to me, which stung, but I deserved it. And more. "That's all right. We're all stressed."

The policemen told us to go home. Get some rest. They'd call us if there were any breakthroughs. Sure.



I walked to the edge of the river a few nights later... there had still been no news.

"Scottie?" I asked the water. "Jeff? Oh God. Please. I won't let you be dead. You have..." I knelt next to the river and dipped my fingers in. "Your album. Your family. Your friends. Come back... walk out of this water and laugh at me." I slapped the water, inadvertantly splashing it on myself. "Damn it to hell, Jeff. Why?" My tears hit the water, and I sobbed at my wavering reflection. "I told you not to come here. I knew this was wrong. I told you! You've become a statistic of this river, Scottie. It ate you alive." I stood and crept into the water, kneeling in it. I felt his presence hovering around me. Sighing, I wiped my eyes and got out of he warm water, heading back to the house.

Parker, one of Jeff's bandmates, was placing something into a plastic baggie.

"Parker?" I asked quietly.

He turned to look at me, startled. "Oh. I was just- he sheepishly held up the bag. On closer inspection, I saw it was hair.

My eyebrows lowered in confusion. "What-"

"It's Jeff's," he said, lowering his head.

I took the bag from his hands and reached inside, gently touching the soft hair. Then I lifted it to my nose, inhaling deeply.

"It smells really good, doesn't it?" I whispered.

He looked up at me. "Yeah," he smiled, then his face crumpled up and I pulled him into a tight hug.

"Why? Why now? I have never heard him so happy. So internally settled. He was finally figuring out what he wanted in life," he sobbed into my shoulder.

"Shh... I know. He called me right before he went out to the river."

He pulled back and looked at me. "My God," he breathed. He looked down at my pants. "You're soaking wet. How-"

"Don't ask," I said quietly.

He nodded. "I understand." Then he swallowed hard. "I'm leaving tonight. This is too hard for me... it's been long enough. I know." I nodded silently. "You know, he really loved you. He told me on the phone that he wanted this to be over ASAP because he'd promised you he'd visit."

I pressed my hand to my lips for a moment, restraining my quivering lips. "I-" I cut off the sentence by thrusting the bag back at him.

"I should go," he sighed, shoving the bag into his pocket. "I'm going to miss my flight."

I held my arms out and he threw himsef into them, squeezing tightly.

"Call me? Write? Keep in touch, Parker. Okay?" I smiled, pulling away.

"Absolutely," he nodded.

I walked with him to his rented car and gave him another hug.

"If you go back to the river, tell Jeff I said goodbye," he said, unable to meet my eyes.

"No problem," I said softly. I gazed around at the Memphis night sky; the stars twinkled at me silently.

Suddenly, I spotted a shooting star.

"Jeff," I breathed.

Parker's head jerked up just as another star shot across the sky. I reached my hand up towards the sky, wiggling my fingers. I could hear Parker's ragged, sobbing breathing as he murmured Jeff's name.

"I love you, Scottie," I whispered.

One last star bolted through the heavens. I love you too, it told me.



"Our suffering is peeling off and revealing a brand new skin, a new power. Love heals all wounds and not just time alone."