| Once two Missionaries decided to go pheasant hunting. Since they were inexperienced they just asked the sporting goods dealer to fix them up with everything necessary for a successful day. On his recommendation they bought shotguns, shells, hunting clothing, licenses, a bird dog, etc. Early the next morning the went afield with great excitement to pursue the elusive pheasant; but immediately encountered difficulty getting their new bird dog to perform. Finally one of them became so frustrated he said,
"I don't know what that guy sold us, but it ain't no bird dog! I've had it with this mutt; I'm goanna shoot him!" "Wait! Wait", implored the other, "we paid $500 bucks for that dog, give him just one more chance." "All right", said the first reluctantly. "You throw him up once more, and if he don't fly I'm goanna waste him!" |
| Bishop Murphy walks into a ward in Provo, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
The man said, "I do bishop." The Bishop said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the Bishop asked the second man, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?" "Certainly, bishop," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the Bishop. Then Bishop Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't sir." The Bishop said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." |
| A anxious soon to be Mormon father spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" |
| A young B.Y.U student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false. The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out. But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on.
"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers." |
| Recently atop the new 60 story building being constructed in down town Salt lake City the following was overheard:
"Hey Mac, come over here to the edge with me; what's your name?" "I'm Ralph, who are you?" "Well, Ralph, I'm Jeff, sent here by the prophet to bring good news, are you a member of the priesthood, Ralph?" "Yea, sure, Melchizedek in fact, Why Jeff?" "Well, Ralph, do you recall how Jesus walked on water? Well, the prophet has been given the keys to walk on air and extends it to all the priesthood. Here, watch this." Jeff steps off the ledge and walks out about ten feet and stands there in mid air. "Wow!" says Ralph, "Do you mean I can do that?" "Certainly", replies Jeff, "Just make a leap of faith." Ralph takes a step from the ledge and plunges screaming to the pavement 60 floors below. Jeff walks back to the building and calls to another worker, "Hey, Mac, come over here." Meanwhile on the street a passerby notices the occasional rain of bodies and approaches an apparently unconcerned worker nearby, "Say, didn't you see several workers falling from above?" "Oh yea, it's just Superman screwing around with the Mormons again." |
| The LDS 6 P's for perfection: prophets...presidency...patriarchs...priesthoods...payees...prozac. |
| Once two Mormons decided to go deer hunting on opening day, and as luck would have it, one of them bagged a humongus buck with massive antlers. After their initial excitement abated, one asked,
"Well Mike, what do we do now? I know absolutely nothing about dressing a deer." "Me neither", said Frank, "Let's just drag him back to the truck and we'll take him to someone who can help us." So they each grabbed a back leg and began dragging, but the huge antlers became entangled in every bush, briar, and vine they encountered. As they were thus struggling with the deer, they happened upon another hunter who noticed their difficulties. "Hey fellas", he said, "You're doing that all wrong. Pull him by the antlers, that way the antlers won't get tangled and the lay of his hair won't be working against you either." So they did as the stranger suggested and immediately realized he was right. They thanked him kindly and were soon making very good speed. Shortly Mike said, "Wow this is a lot easier, we would have never made it the way we were going at it." "Yeah", said Frank, "But have you noticed we're getting further away from the truck?" |
| The Mormon Church is so spiritually dead, that one time an old man died of a heart attack in the back of the chapel, and the medics took away three rows of people before they found him. |
| A Mormon Bishop got on an elevator on the 10th floor, (he was heading to the lobby) on the 8th floor a beautiful woman walked in. (they were alone) On the way to the lobby the gorgeous woman hit the stop button. She turned to the Bishop and said:
"Can you make me feel like a true woman?" The Bishop said: "I sure can" and excitedly took off all his clothes, he then threw them in the corner of the elevator. He turned to the woman pointed to the clothes and said: "Now fold them". |
| The Mormon pilot and copilot were on their final approach to an unfamiliar airport when the following conversation was overheard:
"Copilot, do you see that runway? I've never seen one so short before, you'd better give me full flaps!" "Aye Sir, full flaps as ordered." Just before touchdown the pilot again turns to his copilot, "Damn that's short! Standby to reverse thrust, lock down the brakes, and drop the stern anchor if you can find one, this is going to be a rough one!" Moments later after a very abrupt and unpleasant landing, the pilot again exclaims, "Oh man, have you ever seen such a short runway?" The copilot turns to his left, gazes into the distance, then turns to his right, then answers, "No sir....but isn't it wide!" |
| Gordon Hinckley's definition of open discussion
"Don't ask, don't tell." |
| Once two Utah mountain lions met after not seeing each other for many years, one was fat and the other famished.
The fat one asked, "Hey Pete, you don't look so good, are you getting enough to eat?" The other replied, "I don't understand it Joe, I catch plenty of Mormons, but I just can't seem to gain any weight." "Well, let me watch you in action, maybe you're not doing it right." So they went to Pete's favorite spot where he awaited an approaching Mormon. As he came near, Pete sprang at him from a big boulder with a horrifying roar and quickly devoured him. Then Joe said to him, "I see your problem, Pete, you're scarring them too much. When you scare the crap out of a Mormon, there's not much left!" |
| Did you hear about the two missionaries who were fishing in a "pay to fish" lake and found a really productive spot.
One says, "Be sure to mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow." "Sure thing!", came the reply. After returning the boat and preparing to leave the first asked, "Did you mark the spot?" "Yeah", he said, "I put an "X" on the side of the boat right where the fish were." To this the first responded, "That wasn't very smart! What if we don't get the same boat tomorrow?" |
| College Fraternities have historically invented some pretty trying methods of initiating new members. One we know of eliminates two out of three initiates by determining which can live with a pig the longest. On one occasion a Jew, a Muslim, and a Mormon were moved in with a particularly obnoxious swine. After less than a day the Jew left. The Muslim suffered the indignation only another day and moved out. The Mormon, the victor of the trial, vowed to establish a new fraternity record for endurance, but after another day the pig left! |
| Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. Mormons don't use light bulbs because they can't see the light. |
| Q: Why will Mormons be the first one's to get to heaven?
A: Because the Bible says that; "the dead in Christ shall rise first". |
| Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. Mormons don't use light bulbs because; "darkness flee's the light." |
| One time two LDS missionaries where walking down the street, when they came upon some horse manure. The first missionary said;
"That looks like horse manure". He then reached down and picked some up and said; "Feels like horse manure". He then tasted some and said; "Taste like horse manure". The second missionary then said; "Good thing we didn't step in it." |
| Did you hear about the two missionaries who were building a new school? One noticed the other kept throwing away as many nails as he was using.
So he asked, "Hey man, why are you throwing away those nails? The second replied with obvious frustration, "Aw, that stupid Christian at the Nail Factory sold us nails with the heads on the wrong end of them!" "Don't throw them away," said the first, "We'll use them on the other side of the building." |
| Once Tom went to visit his friend Ben who had just moved into a new house. As they were sitting in the kitchen enjoying a cup of coffee, Ben walked over, open the door and yelled outside,
"Green side up!" and returned to the table. Tom was perplexed but said nothing. A few minutes passed and again Ben went to the door and yelled outside, "Green side up!" After this happened several times, Tom could no longer contain his curiosity and asked Ben to explain. "Oh that", replied Ben with a laugh, "I've got my home teachers out there laying turf for me." |
| Q: Why do you always take two Mormons with you when you go fishing?
A: Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer! |
| Q: What do you call a good looking woman in Salt Lake City?
A: A Tourist! |
| A primary president, a high councillor, and a bishop sat on the front row of a airplane flight that was hijacked. When the hijackers' demands were refused, they threatened to shoot some passengers, starting with the first row. The primary president asked for one last wish; to sing her favorite primary song. The hijacker said that would be fine, then asked the high councillor and bishop if they also had a last wish. The high councillor requested that after the song he be allowed to stand and give the talk he had prepared to give in sacrament meeting that next Sunday. The hijacker agreed, then turned to the bishop. The bishop motioned for the hijacker to come closer and whispered in his ear, "Please shoot me after the song." |
| Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least six: One to change the light bulb; one to deny that there was any change made; one to say that we shouldn't focus on the change--only the need for light; one to say we don't teach that the light bulb needed changing in the first place; one to say that the changer was acting for himself and not as an official changer; and one to say "who cares who changed the bulb, don't you feel the burning of the light? |
| Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If it's Relief Society, it takes four. One to fix refreshments, One to bring the tablecloth, One to design the centerpiece, And one to screw in the light bulb. If it's the Bishopric, forget it, They don’t do light bulbs. They call a Priesthood Executive Council And delegate it to the Elders. If it's the Elders, it takes four. Three that don’t show up, and One to change the bulb. If it's the High Priests, it takes four. Two to push the wheel chairs, One to handle the oxygen tank, And one to screw in the light bulb. If it's the Home Teachers, it only takes two, But you have to wait until the end of the month. |
| Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to say an opening prayer, one to give a talk on changing light bulbs, one to change the light bulb, and one to say a closing prayer. |
| Q: How many home teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. And even though they didn't change any light bulbs this month, they promise to change one hundred percent of their light bulbs next month. |
| The Dean of Women at BYU was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?" |
| A elderly Mormon asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?" |
| One day a man called the Church Headquarters. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?" The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said, "Well, if you mean the Prophet, then you may refer to him as 'President,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!" To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...." To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!" |
| The Provo Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident. Returning home from work, a BYU coed was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the BYU coed ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" |
| Bishop Smith and Bishop Young, are walking down the street when Young turns to Smith and says, "Brother Smith, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"
Smith says, "Brother Young, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you." So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Smith turns to Young and says, "Brother Young, if you had two of those luxury, playboy- type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?" Young says, "Brother Smith, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Baptism, we have gone to the same temple together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Brother Smith, I really would give the other one to you." They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Bishop Young turns to Bishop Smith, "Brother Smith, if you had two chickens..." "Now hold on there! Brother Young, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!" |
| Fifteen minutes into the flight from Washington D.C. to Salt Lake City, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . . we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry . . . we still have one engine left." A young Mormon missionary turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!" |
| There were three third graders -- a Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon -- at the playground trying to decide what game to play. The Baptist said, "I'm tired of basketball, baseball and soccer; lets play a game I heard about from my older brother called 'who has the longest hose'".
So the Baptist boy whips out his and it's about three inches, the Catholic pulls his out and it's about four inches, the Mormon pulls his out and it's about six inches. The Baptist and Catholic boys say, "Darn, you win again; you always win!" Then the Mormon went home and told his mom, "Hey Mom, I won another game today, it's called 'who has the longest hose'. Mine was almost twice as long as the other boys, is that because I'm a Mormon, Mom?" His mom answered, "No, son, it's be cause you are 22." |
| Q; How many Mormon missionaries does it take to eat a possum?
A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch out for cars. |
| An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together. So I drinks one for each a me brothers and one for meself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I just joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking." |
| Two of the Mormon Churches attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. |
| After she woke up, a LDS woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams" |
| An exasperated Mormon mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'" |
| Q: What do naughty Mormons do when they get feisty at a party?
A: They heat up the punch!!!! |
| The following is a classic in LDS humor. We think that this joke started about the time of Joseph Smith:
A man died and was spirited to Heaven, where he met St. Peter at the gate.
"Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around." They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship." They walked a little further and saw some people taking holy communion "Over here are the Catholics". They walked by several more groups of followers openly worshiping in their own ways. Then Peter said "shhh, be very quiet now" as they walked past a long, tall brick wall. On the other side they could hear shouting and singing - what sounded like a big party going on. The man asked who was behind the wall. Peter said "Oh, those are the Mormons...they think they're the only ones here!" |
| Two Mormon missionaries boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, Ed Decker got on and took the aisle seat next to the two missionaries.
Ed Decker kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the missionary in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a Sprite." "No problem," said Ed, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the missionaries picked up Ed Decker's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the Sprite, the other missionary said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, Ed Decker obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other missionary picked up the other shoe and spat in it. Mr. Decker returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, Mr. Decker slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our faiths? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Sprite's?" |
| A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus. |
| A BYU Coed was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her Relief Society Leader came over to visit. "What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the Coed. "Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her leader. "Why not?" asked the Coed. "Because you've got to roll up the windows first." |
| Two Mormon tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee who was taking their order, "Could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The girl looked at her curiously, then leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing" |
| A BYU Coed was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent trip to New York, N Y. Her friend asked her how she liked New York.
She answered, "I don't know, I never got there." So the friend says, "You never got there... what do you mean?" She answers, "You know me, I have to stop at every rest area and they all say 'clean bathrooms'. |
| A Sister missionary decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...... The Walmart manager sees her and shuts the horse off. |
| There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were LDS, and one was a Born Again Christian.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the Born Again Christian said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the Born Again Christian saying she would get off, all of the Mormons started clapping. Problem solved. |
| One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Gordon B. Hinckley, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Gordon B. Hinckley rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am a Prophet sent by God, to reveal his will to mankind, I think that the Prophet of the Lord should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The Prophet of the Lord just jumped out wearing my backpack." |
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these missionaries to dinner?" /td> |
| Bishop Jones was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"Yesh," the man slowly replied. "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" the Bishop asked. "Yesh," the man slowly sputtered. When they got up on the second floor he asked, "Is this your floor?" "Yesh," again the man replied. Then Bishop Jones got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs. But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another Tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man: "Do you live here?" "Yesh." "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yesh." So he did and put him in the same door with the first Tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, "For God's sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He'sh been doing nothing all night long but takin' me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!" |
| A certain little Mormon girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Br. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Bishop spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Br. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." |
| The Mormon homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?" "Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked." |
| The Mormon physician was taking her four-year old daughter to pre-school. The doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" |
| Boyd K. Packer was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this,but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."
"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the apostle. "Do you want to write your will?" "No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite." |
| A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young LDS woman with five small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."
Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out." |
| A Mormon who loved sailing requested to his two sons that after he died, he wanted to be buried at sea. When the time came, both sons drowned digging his grave. |
| I once talked to a Mormon who told me he was building a spaceship to go to the sun.
I replied, "You'll burn up before you get half-way there." He said, "I'm going at night." |
| Did ya hear about the Mormon who went ice fishing? He brought home 100lbs of ice. |
| Two Mormons went to a bait shop before fishing. They asked the owner how much was the bait?
He said, "I'll let ya have all ya want for a dollar." They said, "Give us two dollars worth." |
| Two Mormons were out hunting when they happened upon two beautiful women. They asked the women if they'd like to "fool around."
The women replied, "We're game!" So the Mormons shot them. |
| A Southern Baptist walked into a grocery store with mormon proprietors.
The Baptist asked for maters, taters, and melons. The Mormons said, "Hey, you're a Baptist aren't you?" He replied, "Yes. How did ya know?" They said they knew by the way he talked. After the Baptist left, the two mormons agreed to go to a store run by a Baptist and talk like them to see if they could fool them. So the next day the two Mormons went into a store and asked the Baptist owner if they could get some maters, taters, and melons. The owner questioned, "Your Mormons ain't ya?" With astonishment they said, "Yes we are. We used our best accent. How could you tell?" He said, "Cause boys...this here is a hardware store." |
| A mormon man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife, a former Baptist, had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her so good-looking?" "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?" "So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but... why did you make her so stupid?" "So she could love you, my son." |
| Two Mormon men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant. "How do we enter?" asked the first man. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again" The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex." "2" said the second man "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week." |
| It's Show and Tell day in school, and each kid has to bring something that represents their faith.
Little Mary walks to the front and says in a very soft voice, "My name is Mary. I'm Catholic, and this is a rosary." Little Isaac walks to the front and says, "My name is Isaac. I'm Jewish and this is a dreidel." Little Nephi walks up and says, "My name is Nephi. I'm LDS and this is a casserole." |
| Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass and said "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Idaho, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and mountains. The people from Idaho are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth idiots I'm putting next to them in Utah." |
| Two Mormon youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too." |
| A ward honors a Bishop for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed. He picks up the phone, calls his ward clerk, and says, "Where is your respect? As your Bishop, I am very, very angry with you." The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at you." |
| Ed Decker was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a Mormon Missionary. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The missionary, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily
"I never make way for fools!" Smiling, Ed Decker stepped aside and said, "I always do." |
So the Danites set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no Governor. . .10 minutes longer. . .no Governor. One Danite turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him." |
| There was an elderly Bishop who grew weary of all the people in his Ward who repeatedly confessed to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the senior Bishop and things went well--until the Bishop died at a gentle and generous old age. About a week after the new Bishop was appointed, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The Bishop said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the Bishop's Interview they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new Bishop about the code word. Before the Mayor could explain, the Bishop shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week." |
| The local Bishop came across Joe who had stumbled out of the town's tavern.
"Joe," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in the Celestrial Kingdom one day." "Really, Bishop?" slurred Joe. "What have you done?" |
| A missionary and his BYU Coed friend were talking.
"I hate all the missionary jokes people say." "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you." So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home." said the BYU Coed. The taxi drove them and when they finally got out the BYU Coed looked at the missionary and said. "See that guy was really stupid." "No kidding." replies the missionary," there was a pay phone just around the corner, you could have called instead." |
| The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two LDS men and a LDS woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." |
| One morning this B.Y.U. Coed calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?" The Coed says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The Coed's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of postum, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." |
She thought a quarterback was a refund. She thought General Motors was in the army. She tripped over a cordless phone. She got stabbed in a shoot-out. She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK". They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade. On an application where it says "Sign Here" she put "Sagittarius". She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. It takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes". She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." She sold the car for gas money! When she saw "Under 17 Not Admitted" she went home and got 16 friends. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. |
| A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt every place on my body."
The doctor says, "That's impossible!" She explains, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts." The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a B.Y.U. Coed, aren't you?" The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken." |
| One of the apostles is visiting a school. In one class he asks the students to give him an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stands up, venturing, "If my best friend was playing in the street and got struck and killed by a car - would that be a tragedy?" "No," replies the apostle. "That would be an ACCIDENT." Next, a girl raises her hand and suggests a school bus carrying fifty children falling off a cliff, killing everyone involved would be tragedy. "I'm afraid not," says the apostle. "That would be a GREAT LOSS." The room falls silent. None of the other children volunteer an example. "What?!" glares the apostle. "Are there none among you who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Timidly, a boy from the back of the class raises his hand. "If an airplane carrying Gordon B. Hinckley, our bishop, Boyd K. Packer, and you was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy." "Wonderful!" beams the apostle. "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no frigging great loss!" |
| A Mormon man decided after his 11th child that he just couldn't afford any more. As this was bearing on his mind while driving home from work a few days later he happened to notice the sign in front of a local Baptist Church which read, "Dr. Carl Simmons, Pastor". So he stopped and went unto the Church office and told the Pastor his problem.
The Pastor replied, "What you need is a vasectomy". "What's that, Doc"?, replied the Mormon. Realizing he was a Mormon The Baptist minister replied, "Well, you go home, sit down, take an empty beer can, light a cherry bomb, drop it in the beer can, hold it up to your ear and count to ten." "Hold on there, Doc," came the reaction. "I'm not the smartest guy around but I know that's gotta hurt, isn't there a better way?". "Well, that's my advice'", said the Pastor. So he left, thinking he would ask another doctor. A few days later, he noticed that a different Baptist church also had a doctor's name on their sign, and went inside. After explaining his problem, the Pastor was just about to tell him that he was not a medical doctor, when he realized that the man was a Mormon. So he said: "Go home, light a cherry bomb, drop it in an empty been can, hold it to your ear and count to ten." So, thinking the opinion of two learned physicians could not be wrong, he went home to follow their advice. He took an empty beer can and a cherry bomb, lit the cherry bomb, dropped it in the can, put it to his ear and began counting....1...2...3....4....5... at which point he paused, put the can between his legs, and continued counting on the other hand. |
| Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on General Authorities. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable." |
| One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a Mormon Bishop all die and go to Heaven.
St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question. To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sank with all its passengers?" The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate. St. Peter turns to the Garbage man and, knowing that he was not real good on earth, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead." St. Peter turns to the Bishop: "Name them." |
| It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when a BYU Coed got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her Daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right since she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her Daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next |
| Q: You step into an elevator with the perfect Mormon, and honest General Authority, an ethical Bishop, and a piano player.
Once inside you realize that one of these Bozos has pressed every button of every floor in the whole building, making the elevator trip to the top floor a very long one. Who did it? A: The piano player, the others are fictional characters |
| A BYU Coed goes into a music shop. She says to the owner: "I'm thinking of taking up an instrument or two. How much for the red saxophone and the white accordion?"
The owner replies: "Well, the fire extinguisher is for sale, but the radiator's not moving." |
| There's a guy walking down the road, and he walks past an antique shop. Something in the window catches his eye, because he is very much into old stuff and odd stuff. It is a stuffed rat no less, and a big one at that. It's been in the sun so long it's fur has got bleached by the sun.
He goes into the shop and says to the guy at the desk, "I'd really like to buy that stuffed rat." "Oh Thank God," says the shopkeeper, "I thought no one would ever ask." "How much do you want for it?" "Five dollars." "Two fifty" "Three dollars, and that's my final offer." "Okay there you go sir, one stuffed rat." So the guy walks out of the shop and then begins to think "what the hell am I going to do with this thing, it's hideous." He walks down the street and hears this clattering noise behind him. He looks and sees a rat running around the corner. Then it watches him with its beady eyes, from round the corner of the wall. So the guy walks on, thinking how weird that was. But he still hears clattering, and looking behind him there are now four or five rats. Now he is really worried..... He starts running, and soon he has maybe a hundred rats following him at a safe distance... It has to be the stuffed rat he thinks... So he waves it about and sure enough, two hundred beady eyes watch every move of their stuffed relative. "Right," thinks the man, and comes up with a bright idea. By now there are thousands of rats all following him at a safe distance. So what he does is he quickly gets a piece of string, and ties a quite big rock to the rat. He then runs to the end of the pier and chucks the stuffed rat with the rock into the sea. The rats then start running towards him, and swarm around him... and then jump off the end of the pier... And the guy has another idea. He goes back to the antique shop and says to the owner... "You wouldn't happen to have a stuffed Mormon missionary as well would you?" |
| Nephi and Orson were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Los Angeles. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house.
Nephi paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Orson...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Orson laid down his shovel, turned to Nephi and said: "Nephi! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man from one of the other churches, and he's giving that place his business!" Just then, the local LDS Bishop came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Nephi and Orson straightened up, removed their hats, and Orson says: "Nephi there must be somebody sick in there." |
| An old member of the church, Farmer McCarthy lived for many years with only his dog for a companion. One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his bishop and asked if services could be said for his dog.
The good Bishop said "oh no, we can't have services for a dog here, but there's a new Reorganized LDS church down the street that might be willing." "Do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?" asked farmer McCarthy. "Well man , why didn't you tell me your dog was LDS!!!?" |
| Alma the Apostate was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to the bishop. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the bishop, "Hey bish, what causes arthritis?" "Well Alma, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be damned!" Alma the apostate muttered, returning to his paper. The bishop, feeling a little guilty, said, "Alma, you shouldn't use language like that, but I'm very sorry; I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't, bish. But I was just reading here that the Prophet does." |
| A Mormon and a Gentile are strolling in the desert when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll give you each two wishes for freeing me" says the genie.
The Mormon thinks (yes they sometimes do that) and then wishes. "I believe in Zion for the Chosen, I'm sick and tired of all these gentiles coming into our state. I wish for a huge wall around Utah - to keep the faithful in and the gentiles out, and my second wish is that I was there." And then the genie concentrates hard and it comes to pass. "Well it's going to be tough in there so for my first one I wish all the non-Mormons in Utah were out of the state." And the genie concentrates and it came to pass, and then he said, "What's you second wish?" The gentile thinks and he says "Before I ask it can you tell me a little bit about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out". "OK" says the Gentile "Fill Utah with water!" |
| Five Mormons boarded a train just behind five Gentiles, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket.
Just before the conductor came through, all the Gentiles piled into the restroom stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Gentiles slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Gentiles came out and took their seats. The Mormons were tremendously impressed by the Gentiles' ingenuity, you see they had never been allowed to think for themselves. On the trip back, the five Mormons decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Gentiles had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Gentiles piled into one of the restrooms, the Mormons into the other. Then one of the Gentiles leaned out, knocked on the Mormons' stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door. |
| The Church does not lie. It just re-arranges the truth in its favor. |
