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February 9, 1998

I'm pregnant! We found out last Wednesday, February 4th, that we were exactly one month pregnant, after fifteen months of secondary infertility. This will be our second pregnancy. Our first ended September 13th, 1996 when I was 20.5 weeks pregnant and we recieved a diagnosis of Down Syndrome (Trisomy 21). It was a girl - Kaylee Shawn. Now she's our angel.

Needless to say both my husband and I are thrilled! We have waited for this day for a very long time and it is finally here. Remarkably, I feel very positive about this pregnancy. My husband on the other hand is his usual nervous self. He's cute though! I feel good so far - only very tired. Then again I'm only 4 weeks and 4 days, so I am sure it will get worse. WIth my last pregnancy I was sick for two solid weeks (weeks 9 and 10) with 24 hour morning sickness. I know my husband will freak out the very first time I get sick. But I am staying positive! This is it! we are going to have a baby!

I have blood work scheduled for Wednesday - the Doctor wants to check for multiples, as I was on fertility drugs. I can't even imagine more than one, yet I don't care how many there are as long as they are healthy. How many more days to go?!?!?!?!

February 24, 1998
6 weeks, 6 days

I am finally able to post my second entry - I have been hit with a really bad head cold for about a week now. And not being able to take any medication doesn't help the situation. Anyway, we had our first Dr. appointment last Wednesday. There is only one in there. I was bummed for a second that there was only one but then realized that it didn't matter - we are having a baby! The Dr. said it wasn't firmly attached yet, so I have to take it easy for the next two weeks. Needless to say my mind began racing with all the things that could go wrong, but I have calmed down now.

The Dr. told me that he did not want to treat me like a "normal" OB patient. He wants to see me every two weeks - to keep my mind at ease. Then he said after we hit 7 months, he'll treat us like a "normal" patient - we get to come every two weeks! I felt so good when he had said that. I feel like he knows how hard this pregnancy is going to be one my husband and I. Morning sickness is now my ritual every morning. I can't leave the house until I get sick. I've tried the cracker thing, the no cracker thing...nothing works. So, I have come to grips that I just need to get sick, get it over with for the day and carry on. I can't wait for the for trimester to be over. My back is very sore - I think from being sick and in bed for a week. What we women have to go thru! LOL Well, I'll update everyone in a few days on the progress...only 7 1/2 more months to go...uugh...

March 8, 1998
8 weeks, 1 day

I went in for another sonogram on Wednesday, March 4th. The woman doing the sonogram was doing her thing and showing me the heartbeat. Then all of a sudden her eyes bugged our of her head. I knew it was a "good" bug, so I smiled and said "what". After she picked herself up off the floor, she showed me the heartbeat - both of them. WE'RE HAVING TWINS!!!!!!!!! When it rains, it pours! And this one the one appointment that my husband couldn't make! I was so upset - he would have loved to see those two little hearts fluttering away.

I left the Dr.'s office in complete shock and drove to my husbands job. I have no idea how I made it there without crashing! I called him and told him to meet me outside. He thought something was wrong, but boy did I get him. I told him everything was fine - I just wanted to show him the sonogram picture. He looked and say "what's one and two?" (the tech labeled the two babies) and then it hit him. His eyes filled up with tears and he kept saying "no" - with a big smile on his face.

Well, the joy of the notion of having twins lasted all of 4 days, as I have now begun to have panic attacks. Then range from "how the hell am I going to feed two kids at once?" to "why am I getting so excited - this isn't going to work out - look what happened last time." I made the mistake of buying a book on twins. The book says there is an 80% chance that one of the babies won't make it. Well, mass hysteria again. God, I can't wait until I get to see those hearts beating again. The one good thing is that I have to stop working at 5 months - which means I'll have the whole summer off.

Alisa +2

March 25, 1998
10 weeks, 4 days

I am finally able to sit her at the computer and update my journal after being sick for 11 days. Today is the first day that I am able to keep an entire days worth of food down. There were a couple of days were not even water would stay down. It amazed me how negative I became on the really bad days. I wondered why I even wanted to be pregnant. I swore that I would never do this again. Then it all changes when I go to the doctor's and see two hearts beating, 2 heads, 4 arms and 4 legs. It's all so amazing.

They have grown so much in the 2 1/2 weeks since my last appointment. This was the first time my husband saw both heart beats. His face really lit up when he saw them. It's staring to sink in that I'm having 2 babies! I woke up at 4:11 this morning staring at the ceiling and mumbling "oh my god, we're having two babies!" I almost woke up my husband, but decided that he looked too content and I just tried to get back to sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping lately. Every night I am up from about 2 am until 5 am - no matter how early or how late I go to bed. The night the Oscars were on I went to bed close to 1:00 and still woke up at 2:00. I guess I am just getting used to being up in the middle of the night. My Dr. is so wonderful. He sat with us for so long answering all our questions, never rushing us at all. He said that we've been thru so much pain and that he knows that we won't feel any better until he tells us that both babies are healthy. I really feel like he understands how much of a panic we can get when we have lost a child before. He is a god-send. I am so glad that I found him.

Well, that's my update for today. My next appointment is in two weeks - I can't wait to see them again!!

April 15, 1998
14 weeks

Sorry for the delay in posting my latest update - I just don't know where the time goes lately! I went to the Dr. last Wednesday and everything still looks great! He pushed me up a few days, so today I am officially 14 weeks. We had another sonogram. We saw both hearts beating and arms and legs moving around. The funniest thing was that one was all stretched out kind of being a couch potato - (I dubbed him the boy) and the other one was zipping all around. One of them, and I can't remember which one, was moving his/her mouth like crazy (my husband dubbed that one the girl!). It was the wildest thing...

We are going away this weekend for some rest and relaxation before all the testing starts. Next week I'll be 15 weeks and it's time for the triple screen, level two sonogram, and the following week is the amnio. For the most part I am pretty calm. I worry about them having to do two amnios, since there is 2 seperate sacs. I'm worry about my husband. I hope he will do ok the next few weeks. I guess for now I am just trying not to think about things. I know that I will worry enough next week for a whole lifetime. I feel guilty for not keeping up with a journal that I am writing for my kids. But part of me doesn't want to write so much just yet. They know how much I love them. In a few weeks, after all the tests are over, and all the GOOD results are in I will write to them night and day - I have so much to say to them.

Well, I'm off to enjoy my weekend away in the morning. Next Dr. appointment is next Wenesday, but I have to reschedule it so that my husband can come with me. I'll update you all as soon as I can!

April 23, 1998

The triple screen blood was drawn yesterday. Amnio is scheduled for Tuesday and is a go as long as everything is okay. The Dr. was a little upset at my 12 lb weight gain in 14 days! Can you beleive that one! I cried all the way home from the Dr.'s! Oh well, so I'll be big!

(The more there is of you Alisa, the more there is to love!)

May 13, 1998
19 weeks

Well, I guess I have alot of catching up to do. The past weeks have been a little nerve wracking, but I am happy to say that we made it thru. I left off after the AFP blood was drawn. We went for the amnio a week later and the Dr. was only safely able to perform the amnio on one of the babies - the placenta was in the way. So we had to live for the moment with only one amnio, but were determined to do the second one shortly. At the end of the amnio we found out that the AFP came back normal! That was a big relief - as we weren't expecting that. That seemed to take fome of the tension off of us. The next week I went in for my regular check up and the Dr. wanted to schedule the amnio for the following week (which would have been this week). But, he recommended that since the afp came back normal, and if the first amnio came back normal, and if everything looked ok on the level 2 sonogram, then he would recommend skipping the second amnio - but the decision was ours. The level 2 sonogram was scheduled for last Friday. It went really well. I was on the table for 1 1/2 hours! My back was killing me! But - I saw both of the babies. Both looked healthy - nothing out of the ordinary, all measurements looking good....and even a little penis on Baby A - which was the one they didn't do the amnio on! Baby A they beleived was a girl, but they weren't 100% sure - but since we did the amnio on that one, we would know for sure. Well...the amnio results came back in .... a HEALTHY, NORMAL baby girl! I am having one of each! After many, many tears it seems like it is finally going to happen. I had such a wonderful Mother's Day! It really hit me that I am finally going to have a baby - and not even one...two. It all seems so real to me now. My husband even offered to go furniture shopping this weekend - a VERY big step for him! So next week I get to post all the fun I had shopping...I am just soooo happy! Oh yeah, we even decided on names...Justin Robert and Alexis Kay. Alexis' middle name is after her sister Kaylee who we lost two years ago. I know Kaylee is looking down on us smiling and keeping a watchful eye on all of us...

June 1, 1998
21 weeks 5 days

Nothing much to report this time. I went to the Dr. and managed to only gain a pound - and I was quite thrilled about that. I finished up my last day at work on Friday, so now everyone is calling me the "Lady of Leisure". I would really be happy if that were the case, but it's not --- there's too much to do. We are hopefully going to order the babies furniture this week. My Dr. has put some restrictions on me, just as a precaution. I am not allowed to drive for more than 30 minutes by myself. He wants us to stay nearby and not travel any great distance - which gets us out of going to a wedding that is 2 1/2 hours away in July! I also have to be off my feet for 3-4 hours during the day and be laying on my left side. Then I have to drink one large glass of water an hour. I feel like I'm floating away! We are getting ready to sign up for lamaze - we'll do the class in mid July. And my mom has planned my shower already. I know when it is and where, as I really wasn't up for a suprise. The only suprise I want these days is not knowing when we will actually get to meet our kids...

June 10, 1998
23 weeks

Uneventful week or two. I am on my second week of not working, and amazingly, I am not bored stiff yet. There is so much I want to do while I am still able to do it. I had a Dr. appointment on Monday and everything looks great. The Dr. said my 1 lb a week weight gain is right on target - he said I can actually gain alittle more. Shocking from Mr. Get-All-Over-My-Butt-For-Gaining-Too-Much-Weight-In-The-Beginning!! I have actually nicknamed him Jack LaLane, but he does need to know that! Other than that, I am feeling good. One thing I am having trouble with is when people ask me the babies names. I have no problem with Justin. But almost every time I go to say Alexis, Kaylee almost comes out. I have to really stop and think about it before I speak. I am so afraid that I am going to expect Alexis to be Kaylee. I explained it to my husband, and he said it's probably normal to be thinking and feeling like that. I guess it may be because I've said Kaylee's name sooooo many times before that it just sticks. I know if Kaylee were here, I would never have the two wonders that I am carrying now, but it doesn't help me miss her any less. I guess it will be strange the first time I actually see Alexis...wondering if that was what Kaylee would have looked like. God, I never would have thought there would be so much to this pregnancy thing. Things just shouldn't be this complicated...

June 18, 1998
24 weeks

We had an uneventful Dr.'s appointment this week - actually I lucked out since my Dr. was in the delivery room so I got to see the nurse. She did the usual weigh in, blood pressure, doppler. Everyone is doing fine - babies are uncooperative as usual when it comes to the doppler. They move so much you can't get a good reading on the heartbeats. But I know they are both fine because they are playing havic on my insides! One thing that's been a problem is calling Alexis the wrong name. I think it's just habit that I call her Kaylee. I try so hard, but end up blurting out Kaylee or stopping for a long pause before I say Alexis. I hope I can get over this soon...

July 28, 1998
28 weeks 6 days

God, it's been so long since I've updated my journal! I have to laugh because I thought I would be so diligent in keep up with both this journal and the one I was handwriting to the kids. Well, needless to say, the handwritten one has maybe 6 pages written in it. I just always feel too tired to sit and write anything.

Anyway, both kids are doing fine. They are getting so big. A friend of ours made us a tape of our sonogram last night and it was just so amazing how much they've grown. It's even more amazing that they will be here soon. I find myself being overcome with emotion lately. Both happy and sad. Happy because I will finally have my dreams answered, and sad because I am now in panic mode that I will not be a good mom and be able to take care of both of them.

I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow am and then on Friday we are having a second level 2 sonogram. It is all going so fast. Now I am just hoping that I can hold these children in as long as possible so that they are healthy when they are born and I can take them home (that's the new fear of the week). I promised myself that once the 30 week mark hit that I would slow down significantly. That's next week. Maybe that's a good time time write in my journal!

August 13, 1998
31 Weeks 1 Day

Well, alittle bit of excitement last week. I was having some bad cramps - like I was going to get my period any second. So off to the Dr. I went. He put me on the fetal monitor - which showed no contractions and then did an internal. No dilation. He put me on medication to stop the cramping. Unfortunately, the medication makes my body shake. After being on it for a whole week, I am starting to get used to it and it's not too bad. He will keep me on the medication for 3-4 more weeks and then if I go into labor it should be ok.

We toured the hospital a few days ago. It's beginning to be so real now. One of my dearest friends just gave birth today to her son...that makes it seem even more real. Then this Sunday is my baby shower. I think reality will really hit after that. I just hope these next few weeks fly by. I want to meet the kids who are beating up my insides! I just can't wait to be holding them and they will actually be mine. I don't have to give them back.

Unfortunatley, if we go into labor after we stop the medicine, it will happen right around the anniversary of Kaylee's death. Not a very fun time in our lives. But, someone said to me that it may be a sign that I am being watched over. I think that may be true. I know I have an angel who keeps watch over us. It will just be so strange to have it happen around then. Well, who knows...I could end up going full term (Oct. 4th) .... uugh!

Stay tuned for more entries from Alisa!

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