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7/27/01: The December 2000 issue of Vanity Fair writes about Jude Law

". . . he deflects the conversation from himself, making it hard to get a fix on him. 'Isn't that the idea? I also think, Surely the idea of being an actor is keeping a certain amount back so that people believe you, and they're willing to go on a bit of a journey when you play a character. Now, that's not to say that you turn psychotic . . . or you crawl around the place in a wheelchair. But you have to go there, as physically or mentally close to that as possible. But that's all part of learning and working out who I am, too, for me.' "

I'm with Jude. I really don't care if Tom Cruise was dyslexic or Halle Berry was racially abused or Tim Roth is rabidly anti-self protection or that Richard Gere gets ill at the sight of meat (this week). Damn folks! Just keep it to yourselves. There are so many fine actor's out there today, who have revealed themselves to me to be such laughable dolts (like the Hollywood actress who knew nothing about The Holocaust until she portrayed a World War II character in Germany) that I can no longer separate their off stage persona's from their on stage characters.

7/26/01: After a brief interlude spanning nine short years of unemployment
it appears that your Master Thespian, albeit, only after being backed into a corner by the gracious Mrs, has ventured outside the bat-cave and snagged a 'day-job.' While being incredibly over-qualified for the position, due to both my astounding intellect and extreme physicality, I have Bitchin Frise!

chosen to become a celebrity bodyguard. Mind my fills with visions of protecting Alec Baldwin or Michelle Pfieffer from over-enthusiastic fans and silent, stealthy, stalkers! Secreting the waif-enabled Calista Flockhart in the pocket of my Polo® pullover prior to exiting Four Seasons. Taking a bullet right in the Kevlar®for a Benedet® sweater-caressed lusty Laura San Giacomo.

Or walking Woody Allen's Bichon Frise along Manhattan's crowded streets bubbling with humanity and diversity. Or whisking born-again millionaire (the millions, not the religion) Donald Trump from appointment to appointment and then to Morton's for a quick bite to eat. . . Oh! oooohhhh! My wife just explained to me. I'm not applying to be a celebrity body guard but a celebrity security guard? Damn! Just shoot me! And I don't get to pack a .38 Special? And I don't grip at "ten and two" a $1,500 Momo® steering wheel while cradled in a $4,000 Recaro® seat piloting a 450 horsepower bullet-proofed Suburban shod with Presidential Goodyear® flat proof tires? And my hours are from 3PM to 11:00 PM? And I just sit at a guard gate? And I have to brown bag it? Shit! Well, that will put a huge crimp in my acting career won't it? Why the hell should I do THAT !? The money? The money. It's always the money, isn't it? Damn!

7/24/01: ' Roman à clef ' noun, a novel that represents historical events
and characters under the guise of fiction' defines Tricks of the Trade (subtitled "In gay Hollywood it's not who you know, but who you do . . .") written by the fictitious Mr. Ben Tyler. Liz Smith at Newsday.com reveals in her July 23rd 2001 column, that she understands the book to be written about Eisner's Disney movie operation. The author related to Liz that his work of fiction encompasses a picture of actual happenings inside a typical Hollywood studio accumulated over his own seventeen years of keen observation. I imagine if one is familiar with Tinseltown, this book should be a real hoot. (By the way, just this searing afternoon, after depositing my third $75.00 AT&T check authorizing the change to their long distance for the same non-existent phone number, I waddled over to the nearby Bookstar. Locating Tricks of the Trade in the 'Literature and Fiction' section, I discovered that there is absolutely no hint that author 'Ben Tyler' is a pseudonym or the hardcover as being a roman à clef ! Shocking !)

George Harrison, at age fifty eight is dying from throat, lung and brain cancer. (For you fans of 'socialized medicine,' note that he never once received treatment for his tumors inside Great Britain, even though it would have been free.) He blames his sickness on decades of smoking. But, by beginning his habit in 1958, he had the excuse of pretty much global ignorance about the dangers of tobacco consumption. What deadly excuse do you use?

Diane Hardy back when a girl had to grow her own!

7/23/01: Janeane Garolfalo reveals in an interview
with Jonathan Forman over at the NYPost.com an answer to a question we all knew. Why do actor's in a specific movie always say only good things about it? Janeane (who reminds me so much, both in attitude and looks, of my high school friend, Diane Hardy) divulges that, "Sometimes [at junkets] they have tapes of what you say to make sure you're a team player, or they'll have someone to monitor you, especially on big studio films - which tend to suck - especially if you have a reputation for not lying. In the end you're almost forced to go 'it's good'- that's why there's so much fake enthusiasm about movies."

While over at TVGuide.com's, The Insider, we discover that new Ally McBeal
actress Regina Hall, may have shaken some skeletons in Calista Flockhart's closet, by something her character said during a chase scene in the incredibly awful Scary Movie 2. (An offering so bad, even the immense Marlon Brando refused three million dollars worth of Kentucky Fried Chicken coupons for.) More serious though, Ms. Hall talks about, how prior to her first time on the the Ally set, receiving a snail-mailed script with an attached call time. No read-through, no rehearsal, no special preparation. Wow! Television really does run on a different clock than the stage.

7/21/01: My little princess blasted off for the boulevards of Burbank
this sizzling afternoon winging-out on a free Frequent-Flyer ticket, accompanied by her most favorite Teddy bear, four moaning bags, seven bucks and one Sacajawea dollar coin cradled in her purse. Sad news for your Master Thespian, but good news for my readers. Why? Well, because, as her grandmother related to me after an Amtrak trek to Arkansas (yes Arkansas) with the then pre-teen princess, "When we left that rail car she knew something about everyone on it and everyone's name!" Yes, my little girl has the gift of gab and I can hardly wait to spice my pages up with even more 'True-Life Hollywood Stories.'

7/18/01: Selleck is no deli-gutted schlemiel says Amy Gamerman at the WSJ.com
in a July 18th, 2001 column, reviewing Herb Gardner's, "A Thousand Clowns" Broadway revival, starring the former Thomas Magnum, P.I.. (Ever since it was pointed out to me, by a brown-nosing employee, how much I looked like Mr. Selleck, he's held a special place in my heart.) Ms. Gamerman basically panned the whole show but I wanted to narrow my focus to her claim that Tom was ". . . miscast." She writes, "Making his entrance . . . the actor looks as buff and rosy as if he has just emerged from a dawn workout with his personal trainer." Understand he is supposed to appear as ". . . a schlemiel with a deli gut . . ." Which illustrates one of my pet peeves, and that is, in far too many instances today (especially in television and film) actors, in the peak of physical conditioning, are placed as character's, who in real life, would look more like your Master Thespian than Russell Crowe. And this visual discrepancy unconsciously gnaws at the audience's 'willing suspension of disbelief' tugging them in and out of the magic of the theater, resulting in a far from satisfying occasion of entertainment.

7/17/01: Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn't think she's attractive
reports IMDb in a July 16th, 2001 column. She also claims that she would rather be judged on acting ability than on her looks. (Right! And Jamie Lee Curtis won the Hasting Pudding Award for her "lasting and impressive contribution to the world of entertainment," not, her cleavage. Gee, I wonder how Sarah would enjoy living in a trailer park? Lucy Lui

Over at NY DailyNews.com I read that Lucy Liu's, 'Ling Woo' character has only four episodes remaining in David E. Kelly's upcoming season of Ally McBeal. Ms. Liu first grabbed Master Thespian's attention over her reported "Charlie's Angels" fights with comedy-god Bill Murray. Anyone who can cause Bill to vacate a set is either a drug dealer or a total asshole.

Doherty - for more Shannen Smoking click here!

And I don't believe Lucy is peddling organically-grown fine Canadian sinsemilla. They quote a source as saying that the unbelievably talented Mr. Kelly cannot "wait to get rid of her." And lastly, the TV Guide.com 'Insider' has doled out the early scoop on the blesséd Shannen Doherty's upcoming August interview in Details magazine. Where, in black and white, she reveals ALL about her recently ended stint at Aaron Spelling's mammary-intensive hit television series Charmed. Between the glossy covers of the August magazine ('August' as in the month) she confesses that she gave " '. . . probably the most honest interview that you'll ever read with me. I picked one magazine to tell the true story . . .' " Ought to be pretty spicey, eh? I pray she doesn't burn any bridges with Aaron, the man who made her so wealthy.