The Twelve Days of Christmas Big Business Style.
New Policy
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of
Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted,
will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
- Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance
during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option.
An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they
talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based
on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that
the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity.
Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure
management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily
decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A
male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end
job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these
individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel,
prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect
an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A
substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which
will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses.
Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can
drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal
profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
