anyway... the audition went well and i got a part.

la la la la la...

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(Ms. Swan walks into a detective agency. She sits down in front of the detective’s desk)

D: What can I do for you Ms...?

S: Swan. Yea, what you can do me for?

D: How can I help you?

S: Ya, to find a man.

D: What man would this be?

S: Ya, you know, the “big palooka.”

D: Ah...The big palooka, huh? What’s he look like?

S: Okay, you know, before I tell you what he look like, maybe we should have a drink.

D: Oh, sorry doll face. Where are my manners? (Opens up a drawer and pulls out some bottles) I got some whiskey, some more whiskey, and this one’s mostly Ouzo.

S: Oh ya, ouzo!

D: Okay, ouzo it is then. (Pouring drink) Swan… That’s a beautiful name. Is it Irish?

S: Ya! Ya! Pour faster!

D: Oh okay. (Hands her the drink)

S: (Gulps it down) Oooh… That good. More ouzo please! (Hands glass back to him)

D: (Pouring another drink) (Thinking) She was cuckoo for ouzo and I was cuckoo for Swan, but what the hell was going on behind those big beautiful peepers?

S: (Thinking) Come on! Come on! Come on!

(He hands her another drink)

S: Thanks to you. (Gulps) Oooh… I like the ouzo, yea. Sometimes, it make me see cartoon.

D: Cartoons? I don’t know what you’re saying, but I love the way you’re saying it. Anyway, uh, back to business. This mooch you’re looking for. He got a name?

S: Uh, come on. Of course he got a name.

(Pause)

D: Do you mind sharing it with the rest of the class?

S: Oh, okay. I tell you. He got a name, you know, like a Bob, you know?

D: So his name’s Bob. (Writes it down on his notepad)

S: No, no. You no listen. I no say Bob. I say something like Bob, you know. Like a Bob or Danny, you know?

D: So, it’s a name like Bob or Danny?

S: Ya, you know, like the man and the name and like Bob or Danny or Willy maybe. You know, like a man name.

D: (Frustrated) This name game isn’t getting us anywhere!

S: (Thinking) Oh no. Here we go again. I talk and talk and nobody listen. Oh please, please do not ask me what he look like.

D: Tell me what the guy looked like.

S: (Thinking) Uh oh… Fasten your seat belt. It going to be a bumpy night.
(Speaking) Okay, I tell you. You know the man, he got a face and all the time, you know, when he angry, the face go like this. (Grr…) And then, he thinking, he look like this. (places a finger on her chin) You know, this. And then I go boo! And he go like (scared face). And then I go boo! And he go like this (scared face).

D: Yea right. No. Look, uh, I don’t care what the kind of faces the guy makes. I just wanna know what he looks like.

S: Okay, he loooook...

D: Yea, that’s right. What the guy looks like.

S: (Thinking) Damn it! If I say, “he look like a man,” then he going to start yelling at me. Oh, think! Think, Ms. Swan! Come on. Give him something to go on. Okay. Okay. Tell him the man have short dark hair, like a raven in the sun. He got the deep scar on the right cheek. He got mysterious eyes. They’re blue like midnight, like magic! Go on Ms. Swan. Tell him. Tell him!

D: Well...?

S: Like a man! He look like a man! (Sinks into her seat looking ashamed)

D: (Thinking) I didn’t know whether to hit her or kiss her.

S: Oh, come on, I rather you kiss me.

D: I think you’re taking me for ride.

S: Well, maybe you like the ride.

D: Heh, that depends on where we’re going.

S: Oh, I take you all the way, big boy.

D: That’s a long way. You got enough gas there?

S: Maybe you can fill my tank up.

D: Well, I don’t know if my hose can reach that far.

S: Oh, come on! Just take your big hose and put it in my hoo-hoo.

D: (Thinking) Something told me that she was new to the whole innuendo thing.

S: Oh, too much, huh?

D: You’re too much Swan.

S: Oh, then I must go. (Gets up and walks over to the door)

D: Wait! How will I be able to contact you?

S: Oh, you know how to whistle don’t you? You just put your lips together and blow like crazy. Like this. (Pauses) Do do do do do… (Exits)