Survivor: The Director’s Cut

i'll explain this play just a little before you go on to read it. i co-wrote it with some of my friends from english class last year. the assignment was to write a play so we decided to do a comedy since we were oh so funny ((lots of sarcasm)). we chose to make our characters to be the opposite of our true personalities. unfortunately, jenn stayed true to herself so she really is that dumb. (no offense, jen) *smiles*

now
i've divided this play into little sections for easy access to favorite scenes and such... and i was bored and wanted to do something new... enjoy!

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(Open with a beautiful sunny beach. Wendy is relaxed and drinking from a coconut. Por and Jennifer are hard at work constructing a raft out of tree branches.)

W: I never knew that being stranded on an island could be so much fun.

(Por and Jen stop working. They give Wendy a look of disbelief.)

P: Maybe because you’re not doing any work!

W: But I might break a nail.

J: Break a nail?! There are more things to worry about than breaking a nail! Oh my god! (Points) Look! A rat!

(Stagehand tugs a rat across the stage and stops it in front of Jenn.)

P: Shhh… Shut up! You don’t want to scare it away. That’s our dinner, you idiot!

(Por tries to grab the rat, but the stagehand pulls it offstage before she can.)

J: (Panting) I’m allergic to rats. Don’t you know that I’m allergic?!

W: Rat? Um… No, I’m not eating any rats. We’re stranded on a tropical island. Can’t we find something better for us to eat? Well, at least for me. (Fans herself)

P: Ugh! Bitch!

(Por and Jen continue working on the raft.)

 J: (Throws everything, that she’s holding, down) See! I told you we never should’ve gone on that stupid yacht. The weatherman said so on TV that there was gonna be a stupid storm, but nooooo! I got dragged onto this “outing.” Like we go out in the middle of nowhere. Like the captain took the lifeboat and left us there and then … (Sighs and speeds up her talking) The wind started blowing and I was in a cabin. The lights went out and when they came back on, I was lying on the ceiling and I knew that something was like really, really wrong. Then, the ceiling was flooding, but like it was the floor because I was lying on the ceiling and which was now the floor and… (Inhales, but loses train of thought. Sits in confusion) Yeah. Like that’s what happened and then, all I felt was Por pulling me out the window and that was painful and she kept smacking me and the next thing I knew, we’re stuck on this island like Gilligan’s Island (Sings) and the skipper too! (Picks up a coconut and begins to slam it on the raft. She frantically speaks Spanish)

P: (Hits Jenn in the head) Oh shut up! First of all, I can’t understand a word you’re saying and you’re wrecking the stupid raft. Don’t you want to get off this stinkin’ island?

J: (Whimpering) Okay… Well, if it’s such a stupid raft, why do we have to keep building it?

P: Oh my GOD! What the hell is wrong with you? And you?! (Points to Wendy)

(Wendy gives an offended look to Por.)

P: All you’ve been doing is sitting on your ass and fanning yourself… All for what? For what?!

W: Well, when we finally get rescued, they’ll give me food because I am so gorgeous. (Tosses her hair over her shoulder)

(Por gags.)

W: Then, I’ll try to share some with you. (Fans herself as she rolls her eyes)

P: (Sarcastically) Oh! What a wonderful plan! (Turns away and under her breath she says) Stupid bitch!

J: (Holds up a piece of string that is attached to the raft) Por, what’s this string for? (Pulls it and the entire raft falls apart) Oh! That’s what it’s for. (Giggles)

P: (Has a homicidal glare towards Jenn) Another stupid bitch on this island. I can’t stand it! (Gets up and walks towards “shore” which is downstage. Takes a deep breath and exhales. Screams. Turns around and goes back to work on the raft)

W: Uh… Can you keep it down over there? I’m trying to get some beauty rest. Remember? Food?

(Por gives Wendy a dirty look.)

W: Uck! Whatever… Jenn, sweetie, can you do me a favor? Can you massage my feet for me?

J: Like yeah! Sure! (Drops everything that she’s doing)

(Por moves to strangle Jenn. Jenn runs over to Wendy. Por gives up trying to kill Jenn and continues building the raft again.)

J: (Massaging Wendy’s feet) How’s this?

W: Um… You could do a whole lot better.

J: (With enthusiasm) Okay!

(Por rolls her eyes.)

 W: I want to go home. Is the raft done yet?

P: If people helped me, this would go a whole lot faster.

W: Okay! Jenn, go help her.

J: (Without looking at Por) I’ll be there in a second, okay? (Giggles) I’m still massaging Wendy’s feet.

P: Moron!

J: Wendy, what do you plan on doing when we get off the island?

W: Well, when I get off the island, I’m going to the French Riviera. I’m going to get pampered like crazy. Manicures, pedicures, the works! Oh, and food, food, food… Not that I’m fat or anything. Anyway, and I’ll go shopping and get some better Gucci tank tops. (Pulls at her shirt and lightly dusts it off) Then, I can lounge round on the beach all day.

P: You’re already on a beach!

W: Yeah, but… I can get off that beach at anytime and there will be men on that beach.

P: (Inhales as if to scold, but she represses her anger) Forget it.

W: Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted. (Gives Por a dirty look) You don’t know how wonderful it is to be me. The life I live. Oh my god! It’s the life you wish to have.

(Jenn smiles stupidly at her. Wendy is disgusted by her smile.)

W: I can’t believe how we ended up on this beautiful island. I’m going to talk to Father and see if he’ll buy it. Unlike others (Looks at Por), I don’t have to go on other peoples’ yachts for a free ride.

P: (Disgusted) Free ride?! You dragged me onto this stupid trip. I-I never…

W: (Interrupts Por) Again, I get interrupted by someone non-important, unlike I. The whole reason why we’re stranded here is because of (Looks at) Jenn!

J: (Giggles) The captain wasn’t on the boat. I went looking for him.

P: There was no stinkin’ captain. It was a cardboard cutout… of Captain Hook! Argh! (Makes gesture of a pirate)

W: Well, anyway. (Rolls eyes and fans herself) Yes, we’re stranded here because of Jenn. (Sarcastically) The brightest crayon in the box.

(Jenn smiles mischievously at Wendy)

W: Don’t smile at me, you interior being! (Turns to Por and in a whisper she says) Did I say that right?

P: No. I think you meant inferior being.

W: Right. I knew that! I just wanted to see if you knew. So anyway, this inferior being (Points to Jenn) goes after the “captain” who’s lying on the port.

 (Stagehand walks by showing the audience the “flashback” sign.)

W: (Narrating) She keeps one foot on the yacht and the other one on port. She’s got her arm around Captain Hook and she’s talking to that piece of cardboard.

J: Oh Captain. See! I told you that I was going to save you. Por’s just having a stressful day. She didn’t mean to throw you off the boat. (Pats him on the head) You were just in her way.

W: (Narrating) Then, she pulled the rope that kept the boat attached to the port.

J: Look Captain. What’s this for? (Holds up the rope and examines it. Pulls it. The boat begins to move away from port) Oh! That’s what it’s for. (Giggles)

W: (Narrating) Then, the boat started to sail away from port. Jenn was torn between staying on port and staying on the boat.

J: Port. Yacht. Port. Yacht. Port. Yacht. Captain, what should I do? (Holds captain up to ear. Pulls it away and looks at it) What? Okay, Captain. I’ll take your place and steer the boat. (Jumps onto the deck of the boat, but accidentally drops the captain on the port) Oh no! Bye Captain. (Waves moronically at the inanimate object) I won’t let you down. (Turns to) Wendy, I’m gonna sail us back. Sail us back to civilization! (Point’s away from port and smiles)

W: Are you sure that’s safe in your (taps her temple) condition?

J: (Nods head energetically) Yeah! Wait. What condition?

W: I should’ve never unlocked her cage this morning.

(Stagehand walks across stage again carrying flashback sign. When center stage, s/he will notice that the sign is backwards. S/he will turn the sign over to reveal that it says “flash-forward.”)

W: So, Jenn steered us into this. (extends arms her to surroundings)

P: (Enraged) You-you-you…

W: Wait! Let me finish. There’s more.

P: More?!

W: Jenn was steering like a mad man. Left, right, right, left. All over the place. It was making me nauseous, so I threw my shoes at her.

(Jenn rubs her head.)

W: They were expensive too. Anyway. So, I knocked Jenn unconscious. This sucked cause now I didn’t have anyone to steer the boat. I couldn’t possibly have steered the boat myself. I didn’t want to break a sweat. (To Por) I would’ve had you steer the boat, but you locked your cabin door and you had the music up really loud. It was really nasty music too. (Sighs and tells Jenn to continue rubbing her feet)

 (Por screams out of frustration. She whimpers and stamps her feet.)

J: What’s wrong with her? (Giggles)

W: I don’t know. Maybe it’s another tantrum about her clothes. I wouldn’t wear that. (Fans herself and turns away from Por)

P: No! It’s not another tantrum about my clothes. My clothes look good. (Pulls at her shirt and looks at it. Notices the distasteful condition that it’s in. Shakes her head) It’s about your stupidity, Jennifer! (Slaps Jenn. Her lip starts to quiver and her eyes begin to water. Sighs and in a whisper she says) Okay. Remember anger management class. (Breathes) 1, 2, 3… (Sighs) Now, since you’ve gotten us into this mess, you’re going to help us get some food. Go make a fishing pole!

J: And then?

P: Go fishing.

J: And then?

P: If you catch something, we’ll eat it.

J: And then?

P: No “and then.”

J: And then?

P: No “and then.”

J: And then? And then? And then? And then? And then? (Giggles. Repeats “and then” as she skips merrily around Por. She trips her. Falls and slowly looks up at Por with tears swelling up in her eyes) And then? (Gets up slowly)

P: Go get some food!

J: And then? (Quickly runs away)

P: Moron!

 J: (Goes to the opposite side of the island. She observes her surroundings.) Palm tree. Smaller palm tree. Sand. Water. Blue. Sky. Sun. Oooh. There’s… a ship! (Jumps up and down. Runs towards ship) Hey shippy ship!

(The Captain of the boat looks at Jenn. He scratches his head and wonders what she is doing on the island.)

J: Do you have a fishing pole that I can use?

C: (Nods) Yes. Wait right there.

J: I won’t go anywhere!

(Captain goes into cabin. He returns with a fishing pole. He throws it to Jenn.)

J: Thank you! (Waves goodbye to the captain)

(The Captain waves to Jenn and sails off)

J: (With fishing pole in hand, she returns to camp. Skipping merrily) I’m back. Here’s the fishing pole. Isn’t it pretty?

P: (Wonders how Jenn got the fishing pole. She points at the pole and then at Jenn) I won’t ask. (Takes fishing pole. Sighs) Actually, we need more food than just fish. Jenn, go get some fruit and Wendy, got get some fish.

W: Do I have to go into the water and get one?

P: No. Just throw the line into the water.

W: Really? Okay! (Takes fishing pole from Por and cast the line) Now what?

P: Just wait.

W: For how long? You know, sea water is bad for your skin after a while. It gets all wrinkly and rough. Where are the fish?!

P: I don’t know. Do I look like a fish?

(Wendy is about to reply, but Por stops her)

P: Don’t answer that! Okay. Now, Jenn, go get that fruit.

J: Okay, but (whispering) what about the rats? Do we still have to eat them?

P: Not if you get the fruit. (Pats Jenn on the head)

J: Yeah. I like fruit. It’s so pretty. All the colors: Red, yellow, pink, blue, green…

P: Jenn! Just go get the damn fruit!

J: Ok. Ok. Sheesh. (Skips away to the other side of the island)

(Por goes back to work on the raft with a frustrated look.)

 W: (Fishes while looking at her nails. All of a sudden, there is a tug on her line((Offstage, the stagehand can be tugging on the line)). She screeches) Oh my god! Oh my god! Like something is happening. Por! What do I do now? Come over here! Like now!

(Por tries to go help Wendy, but she is caught on some string that is attached to raft. She struggles to free herself.)

W: Come on. Come on help me! (Screams) Help! It’s pulling really, really hard! What if I break a nail?! (The fish continues to pull on the line. Intimidated by it, she lets go of the fishing pole) Ugh, I’m not risking my nails for that! (Blows at and dusts off her nails)

P: (Frees herself from the raft. Rushes over to Wendy) What the hell is going on now? Where’s the fishing pole?! Don’t tell me that you threw it in the water. (Looks at the pole floating away from shore) Oh my god! We need that fishing pole!

W: No, we don’t. Jenn will come back with fruits. I don’t like fish anyway. It’s bad for my diet.

P: I don’t want to eat fruits! (Whining) I want fish. I want fish. I want fish! (Stomps her feet on the ground) Wendy, you better know how to swim!

W: Of course, I do! I can swim, dive, and everything. I had a private instructor, you know. (Puts hand on chest) And, oh my god, was he dreamy. Anyways, why do you want to know?

P: (Yelling) Because you’re going in that water and retrieving that pole! I want fish!

W: Ugh! I don’t think so. Hello! That’s salt water and I refuse to get wet.

P: Oh yes you are! (Goes over to Wendy and tries to push her into the water. They wrestle, but she isn’t able to get Wendy in the water.)

W: Por, you retard, get off me!

P: No! I can’t stand you and your stupid sidekick, Jenn, for never doing anything right!

(In the distance, Jenn whistles as she returns with a basket full of tropical fruit. She sees the two fighting. She drops her basket and runs over to her friends.)

J: What’s going on? What’s going on?! Stop fighting! (Tries to break up the fight)

P: This stupid bitch threw the pole in the water! Now, we won’t have any fish! (Strangles Wendy some more)

 J: Oh no! (Puts hands on cheeks) My fishing pole? The one that nice man gave me? It was so pretty and nice and teeny. Sooo cute!

(Por and Wendy stop fighting. They look at each other. Then, they both turn to Jenn.)

P: Wait a minute! Who gave you the pole? Someone else is on this island?

J: No, no one else is here. There was a nice man on the other side of the island. I asked him for a fishing pole and he gave me one. Nice of him, huh? (Giggles stupidly)

W: Ooooh. Was he cute?

P: Ah!!! What happened to him? Where is he now?!

J: Well. After he gave me the pole, he sailed away. I wish he could have stayed longer. He would have been so much fun.

P: He had a boat?!

J: Yes, a very nice one too. Big and spacious.

P: Why you stupid little bitch! Why didn’t you tell him to wait for us?!? (Screams) We could have been off this island already! We could have been saved! But instead, you let him leave?! How stupid are you?

J: Uh… I don’t know. You’ll have to give me a minute on that? (Giggles)

W: Guys, I’m getting a headache. Stop screaming. I’m going to tan over there, ok? (Walks over to end of stage)

P: I can’t stand it anymore! You lazy… daughter of a gun! (Pants and holds chest) You guys haven’t done anything right! Never before have I been stuck with two morons like you guys! (Screams) What the f… (Drops dead)

J: Uh oh. (Puts hands on cheeks) I think she got sleepy.

W: Uh, yeah, sure. (Sighs) Now, who’s going to finish building the raft? There’s only room for one person.

J: (Sits down to think) Gee… I don’t know. Hey, we can build the raft together! (Picks up string in one hand and a branch in the other)

W: (Gets up and walks toward Jen) I don’t think so. (Picks up a coconut) The world doesn’t need another stupid idiot. (Stands behind Jen. Rolls the coconut around in hands)

(Jen is confused.)

W: It needs someone gorgeous like me.

(Jen smiles.)

 (With an evil look on her face, Wendy raises the coconut above her head, ready to knock Jen out.)

Director: Cut! (Walks onto stage) We’re almost done people.

(Everyone seems excited about a job well done, except for Wendy. She stands with her arms crossed.)

W: I can’t work like this. Jen’s character is really pissing me off! I can’t wait to hit her in the head with this coconut. (Shakes coconut at Jen)

J: (Giggles) That must mean that I’m a really great actress. (To Wendy) You must be jealous of my acting abilities. (Fans herself with her hand)

(Wendy is about to hit Jen with the coconut)

P: No! Coconuts hurt!

W: Shut up! Aren’t you supposed to be dead?

P: Oh yeah. (Giggles)

D: Okay girls. There are a few things we have to fix. Wendy, you’re not raising that coconut high enough. This has to be believable people! What am I paying you for? Jen, don’t smile so much. You’re about to be killed. And Por, you’re dead! So stop moving! Try holding your breath.

P: Okay. (Takes a deep breath and resumes her dead position)

D: All right people! In your places! (Walks off stage)

 (Wendy raises the coconut high above her head and Jen has a frightened look upon her face.)

D: And action!

W: ( Hits Jen in the head with the coconut. Jen falls onto the raft) That was easy. (Pushes Jen’s limp body off the raft. Grabs a branch. Gets on raft and starts to sail off)

P: (Exhales very loudly) Can I breath yet? (Breathes heavily)

(Everyone looks at Por)

D: Sorry people, but we’ve got to start all over.

(Everyone whines)

W: Damn it Por! This is all your fault!

P: Oh. Sorry, but I needed air. (Giggles)

J: I don’t want to be here any longer. I’ve got places to be and people to do. (Rolls eyes)

D: Let’s not waste any time. In your places please.

W: Can I make a suggestion?

D: What?

W: Can we change the title of this movie? I mean, what kind of name is “Survivor?”

(Por and Jen agree)

J: Hey! I know what we can call it.

W & P: What?

(Everyone exchanges glances and realize what Jen is thinking. They all look out into the audience.)

Everyone: Dude, where’s my yacht?!

© 2000 of PJW&T…

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