Ankh~Morpork Guild of Forgers & Counterfeiters

HOW IT ALL HAPPENED!

There I was, sat sitting, studying my variations of the Penny Patrician when a jolly jape took shape in my noodle...... What if........? What if there were a Guild of Forgers and Counterfeiters in Ankh~Morpork? Apart from the odd "work of art", a bit of currency here and there and City Watch Luncheon Vouchers....... Would such a Guild find a market for forged...... STAMPS?!? What if somebody could create a little Discworld fantasy around this concept? What if somebody could actually create some forgeries? What a wonderful wheeze!

I started to research the project and soon realised that for "authenticity", I would require to perforate some paper! At about this point I also concluded that the paper would have to be dry gummed! A stamp is no good if you can't lick it and stick it.

I had no idea just how difficult it is to produce lots of little holes, a few experiments with a needle and even many needles super-glued to a ruler had me whimpering in distress and frustration.......... more research and lateral thinking required.

Eventually, in a far distant land, I discovered a very helpful entity who was willing to sell to me pre-perforated, pre-gummed paper, they were also able to produce a franking stamp! To my specifications! Oh deep joy! Orders were placed and the long wait for the goods to arrive began.

Meanwhile a few tentative experiments with "altering" a scanned image of a Penny Patrician were undertaken and the "story" began to weave itself around the whole concept. Edworm Reaques came into being with his "multi-level marketing" scam and the need for cheap postage. Odd ideas fell like oak leaves in autumn, to be raked onto the compost heap of the story. A forgers guild needs a leader? More research revealed Henricus Anthonius van Meegeren, better known as Hans Van Meergeren, a VERY famous forger. In my story he becomes Enriquss Anntoekneeus Transit Meevegitarian AKA Blanco Van Mann.

.......finally the paper arrived, 25 precious sheets, perforated at 21mm x 26mm on pre gummed US Letter sized paper......... Hang on! Pause and rewind! "Letter" sized?!? Scrap the scribbles and calculations and start again. Saturday, 6 August 2005 brings a day of serious jigging and nudging of images on the P4, cut'n'paste, cut'n'paste, pixel perfect alignment stretching the skills and accuracy of my ophthalmist (optometrist? optician? What is the difference?) to the limits and beyond. Cutting Letter sized test sheets from A3 then............ I can't use inkjet on these things, they will need to go in the post! Have you ever seen what raindrops or a bit of damp does to inkjet ink? Colour laser printer required urgently......... It just so happens.........!

To ensure that the forgeries are distinct from the "real" Ankh~Morpork stamps, a number of subtle and not so subtle changes are required. The forgeries are on 50g mat paper and the dry gum used is tinted as opposed to clear on the real stamps. The colour of the stamp is altered slightly for less red and the whole of the Patrician's head is reworked, moving an outline here and darkening there, slight alterations to the nose, jaw-line and hairline. There are other not-so-subtle differences which are too obvious to mention here and if you check the number of perforations per inch..............!?

Eight hours later and there are five sheets of 9 x 9 stamp forgeries, 405 facsimile Penny Patricians, and I am all smiles and so pleased with myself!!

Sunday is a morning of more research. Time to learn a little blazon(ing)........ which turns out to be a lot like swearing!!

On a field per pall inverted vert, azure, tenne, a feather Quill bendwise sinister argent, in base a cifrado unfinished sable.

…….and I know it’s not strictly right, but………

The escutcheon supported dexter an armed werduck rising addorsed and elevated gules, sinister a salient porcupine cendree. A helm crested by a Goat Couped and speaking "MARE" with mantlings and a motto.

The blazon was finally finished by 13 August and the pencil drawing of the full Achievement completed that evening. The next day (Sunday) was for final inking of the crest and, following a McDonalds sausage and egg McMuffin breakfast, setting out on a correspondence paper and envelope hunt....... Various papers were bought........

Phone call at 03:00pm, Monday 8 August 2005, to inform me that my rubber franking stamp has arrived at home and......... “are you sure that's how you spell "counterfeiters"?” What? Please don't ask that, I even checked before I sent the image by email!! The spellchecker confirms I got it right first time AND the manufacturer got it right! Whew!! I have the stamps, I have the franker....... it's time to pull all this together.

It is not my intention to make any profit from this venture and I am not inclined to "sell" any of the forged stamps. What I would like to do, with the blessing of Bernard Pearson and/or Terry Pratchett, is promote the forgeries as such on the many websites that are devoted to Terry, the Discworld and (genuine) Ankh~Morpork stamps with a contact email address and a few pointers to this website.

There is a strictly limited production of 405 forgeries on 5 sheets with 9 x 9 = 81 stamps per sheet. The sheets are numbered 1 to 5 and sheet one also has a letter "A" in the top left corner, which was used for orientation during printing as the perforations on the sheets are not symmetrical. Sheet 1, the first 81 stamps printed, was sent to Bernard Pearson in order that he may dispose of them as he wishes (I am led to believe that they burn rather well). The second sheet of stamps I will retain for posterity.

What I would like to do with the rest is keep about 40 or so in reserve and send the other 200 out to the first 100 persons to send me their roundworld address. Each person will receive a letter by roundworld post, the envelope of which will bear a forgery "franked" with the guild of forgers rubber stamp, inside each envelope will be a covering letter from Baron Blanco van Mann and a "sample" unfranked forgery.

I would dearly like to be able to take donations for one of the children’s charities, Childline or Bliss, in exchange for the forgeries but I don't actually know how to go about it as I don't want to take any money up front!?!? Maybe I will enclose a note asking for donations............??

The story compost heap continues to grow and ferment and now there is an address for The Guild on Peach Pie Street (Postcode 3F B00) and there is even a Morporkian Corporation Against Copyright Theft (C.A.C.T.)........ at the same address!! Baron Blanco is currently researching other items by which his (imp's) talents may be a source of income.

I have been asked the question "will Terry and Bernard see the funny side of this or are you going to end up in prison??"! Well I would be extremely honoured if Bernard and/or Mr Pratchett would endorse my endeavours..... To be honest I would be just as honoured if I received a "Cease and desist" order from their solicitors! Under the latter circumstances, I would of course comply but cannot speak for Baron Blanco!!

WATCH THIS SPACE.............!!