The very bad DOUF
Topic: Humor/memes
I love clean floors. The whole house feels clean when the floors look nice. But when you have white floors in your home, it’s a never ending BATTLE! We have white tile in most of the house and in the bedrooms, off-white, brand new carpeting. I know you just said ‘ugh’….and you’re right. It’s beautiful when it’s clean, but how do you keep it looking nice with 5 people living here full time, plus a constant stream of guests and stoppers-by?

So today when Maggie walked through the family room and I heard, *crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, etc etc*, I decided it was time to attack. We got out the wide dust mop and made a clean sweep of the entire tile floor, then swept the kitchen particularly well. Maggie spot cleaned the family/living/dining room area with a sponge mop, while I mopped the kitchen. Then we did the same to the ‘back room’. (screened in porch area.... It has white tile.) I went outside to show Maggie the correct procedure for shaking a dustmop, and while I was shaking and banging it on the fence, I noticed the dog of unusual fuzziness (DOUF) sitting as innocently as she could, lying under the trampoline.

Her name is Winnie and she is a very sweet dog most of the time, but today she has caused me fits! This morning I looked out to see her gently chomping up and down on a bird, as if it were a piece of bubblegum, hanging limply out of her mouth on both sides. *Shudder* I didn’t want her to eat it, as bird flu and germs are out there, so Maggie and I decided to get it away from her. I saw the shovel from across the yard and made a dash to it, which only brought Winnie to my side with that gangly thing flopping in her mouth. It was revolting! I screamed and yelled at her to get away, fetched the shovel and followed her around, trying to get her to drop her bounty so that I could shovel it up. We finally got her to drop it by tossing a dog biscuit to her. At first she simply picked them both up into her mouth, so we had to toss 2 or 3. She couldn’t fit the poor bird in her mouth along with 3 biscuits, so I pounced the shovel on it and scooped it up. Then I realized it wasn’t really dead. It was only mostly dead. (‘what’s that line’ from Princess Bride today, do you know the other inference to that movie in this post?) I shuddered and gagged and threw it over the fence near the trash can, screaming in disgust when it landed.

So when I saw the beast…er DOUF, lying under the trampoline, all hot and panting, I decided to do her a favor. Maggie got the hose while I acted nonchalant and watered a few pots, getting closer and closer to her….then HA!, I sprayed her with it! You’re probably shocked that I would do this, but it’s what we have to do to our dogs in Arizona when it’s over 90 degrees outside. She is afraid of water (which made it somehow more satisfying for me in a sick way) so you have to sneak up on her to douse her. Well she ran and dove under the pop up trailer, so I brought the hose over and squirted her out, just like a bug and did my best to keep that spray of cool water over her while she dashed out from under the trailer, hopped the plastic wading pool, (which is no good when your dog is afraid to get in it) and ran under the trampoline again, quite soaked already. I was in the process of dragging the hose over to the trampoline to get better aim, when she made a run for it….into the HOUSE OF FRESHLY CLEANED, WHITE TILE! See, this is where you are really going, “UUUUUUUUUGH!” and that’s what I did too, except probably louder than you. So annoying….especially after a satisfying time of squirting the dickens out of her. I guess she got the last laugh on me.

No spiritual lesson or point to this story….just a sickening example of Murphy’s Law and how goofy my life is sometimes! (And what a sicko you are for enjoying it! LOL)