Our heroes:
X=Xena
G=Gabrielle
E=Eli
Let's roll!!!
==============================================
DELI
(The India arc's rollin' on!)
G: Wow, everything's so darn different-different-different!
*ECHO*
X: Yeah, everythings really-
G: Different! Look! He's different! Oh! How different!
X: *sigh* Did the writers drink too much coffe again?
G: OH! XENA! HOW DIFFERENT!!!
X: -and watch Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures...? *uuuh*
*mumbling people*
E: haha! Look! I can throw a rope into the air!
G: How different!
X: Nice rope.
E: Non-believer?
*shove*
G: Here!
X: *growl* hehehe...*KA-CHOP!* Oh, shit! They oughta have this
on Disney World!
doiiiioioiiingG!
E: aha! Watch now how my whatta-piece-of-work kind of associate
climbs up and into the spirit realm, so that we get to show
off our bluescreen technique!
*the crowd is anxious*
E: Maya! Be gone!
*POOF*
E: Ok, c'mere, c'mere.
E: Whatthehe- come here!
X: Hehehe...
*POOF*
*bam bom bam!*
E: Maya! Oh, you're in even MORE pieces now!
X: (I told Rob that it's a bit Evil Dead goes snake
charmer over that trick...)
E: AHEM! TADAAAA!
M: Hssss!
*hithithithithithithitcrampsspasmsandevenmorespasms*
X: HAAAAIIIIIYYAOYAOYAOYAAYAYAYAAAAYAAAA-FALALALALALALALALAAAAA!!!
*imitation-of-a-maraccas-and-an-airplane-engine*
*KNOCK!*
M: *spasmsspasmsmoreandevenmorespasmsand-saturdaynightfevermoves*
G: Cool down, babe! The 70's is over!
M: ...
People: DEVIDEVIDEVI!
Priest: Aaah...evilspiritsanddemonswedjittersand-doomsdayandpriesttalk!
X: Gab, keep em busy while I and Eli run for it!
G:?
People: DEVIDEVIDEVI!
ReallyBigGuy(RBG): I am sooo blind. LOOK! I CAN SEE! My sword
for you!
AG (another guy): I can see anyway! My sword too!
YetAG: And mine, 'cause it looks good on TV!
YetYetAG: Me too! Me too! Peer pressure!
X: Ok, Eli...
E: Deli. Eli is just my artist name...I was but a ham salesman
in Vegas and...blahblahblah-you're feeling sleepy...
X: Zzzzzzz?
E: Blahblahblahblah?
X: Bullsh*t! Whaddaya want?
E: Oops! Is Gabby for real with her Devi-thing, u know?
X: Not the latest time I checked. *heheheh**winkwink* Ok, blab
about this weeks plot plug-in now, within five sec's. I'm in
a hurry!
E: 'Aight! When-I-was-a-kid-a-guy-got-cramps-and-I-healed-him-with-white-light-and-fuzziness-and-yada-yada-and-now-I-want-to-learn-how-to-do-so-I-can-help-people-and-stop-feeling-helpless.
X: Ok.
[X&G chat]
G: I healed a guy and have got a spirit in me that's really
nice!
X: Gabrielle... you know that the spirit CAN'T be really nice,
since it is in you, who ARE really nice. The point is to make
us both suffer through our best s3 angst. Further more: bad
things are _all_ that ever happens to you. When has something
good ever happened that didn't get horrible consequences, just
so that the writers can be "different"?
G: It is nice! Hug me!
[Story jump]
People: DEVIDEVIDEVI!
*KATIOOOOOONG!*
X: Yo! Why're you goin' now?
E: Because! Hey, look! A hanged priest; -how aghast and innocent
I am! Besides, he committed suicide.
X: Uhu?
E: Ooops, he's hanging OVER the altar. And here I tried to place
him goo- ...ehr...oops? *this line was cut in editing and called
a lousy adlib*
Body guards: LET THE DEVI THROUGH! LEEEET THE DEVI THROUGH!
THE DEEEEVI THROUUUUUGH! (melody: let the sun shine in...)
X: Stay here, I'm off for morning aerobics.
E: *runs away and ends up being chased by dogs*
*Xena to the rescue*
G: Oh, Pearls!!! WHAHAHA! Ehr...so nice.
E: Demonsdragonsdungeonsanddragons! AAaaaaaah! SAVE ME!
G: Eh?
People: DEVIDEVIDEVI!!!
E: I am saved! It is a MIRACLE! *sneaks away*
People: DEVIDEVIDEVI!!!
X: Eli...why'd u go?
E: Because weird things are happening without patching the story
together and I am drop dead paranoid.
X: Why back?
E: I am a wuz, but nice and sliver. I need sacred water from
das holy river.
X: Evil spirits here?
E: Oh, yeah. Everywhere, check the walls.
X: Who's that on the wall that looks like Gabby?
E: Tataka. Evil, fools people with fake goodness.
*whoosh*
G: What? You never give me any pearls or hot underwear! Sometimes
I have to-ehr...they're from people I've helped.
X: Holy water.
G: I am not evil! I am just covered with pearls because it looks
good, and you ripped my BGSB to shreds two eps back and because
I'm possessed by Kaltaka! *pourpourpour* Look!
X: No can do. You're no priest.
G: Now I'm gonna cry!
X: Aaah! No, I am not emotionally equipped and written to watch
people cry! Here, let me hug you! *HUG*
RBG: I kill you, Eli! Moahaha! *choppchoppchopp*
X: FALALALALALALALALAAAAAA! Eli! Holy-
E: Water?
*foooof*
RBG: I'm melting! I'm melting!!!
X: I Xena, you Devi.
E: Huh? Nonono.
X: Oh, yeah! It's called a twist in the plot.
[Xena goes to see Gabby/Barak/Fujitsu/whatever]
X: Yo, kontiki...eh...Gabby! Eli hurts, you heal.
G: Ok. I'll just tell my beefoguy. Oh, he's not there...Eli
is hurt, you said?
X: Yup, but beefoguy is dead, Tamagotchi!
G: I have backup.
[Xena runs into Eli]
X: ELI!
E: Aaaah, I am irresponsible!
X: Exorcism!
E: NO!
X: Yes!
E: Ok, do it like this...
G: I'm gonna kill Xena! MOAHAHAHAHA!
X: Tadaa!
G: Exorcism? *WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!* Noway! You can't do that,
heheheheheheeeeeeeeeh! Because then this extremely gorgeous,
firm, well-trained bod (which you always sneak peak on when
it strips for a bath) die!
X: *swallow* Can too!
G: HSS!
X: Ehr...
G *LICK*
X: AAAAAGH!
[alottafightinglater:]
G: DIIIIIIIIIE!
*BOuncE*
*bounce*
*bounce*
[even more fighting later]
X: DIE! Give me Gabby!
G: Blaaaaa!
E: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
X: Why does all "nooooooooooo!"-scenes always resemble
that one in Star Wars-The Empire Strikes Back?
E: I will save her!
G: HSSSSSSSS!
X: Eli, you've got 30 seconds, since we couldn't fit that line
into the episode any other way. Besides, the pinch kinda works
as an anaesthetic; HURRY!
G: HSSSSSSSS!
E: Ehr...
X: GRRRRR!
E: Help?
G: Xena?
X: Gabby!
*the usual subtext kiss-on-the-cheek*
[End scene]
E: Yada, yada and more yada.
G: Goodness, goodness and a bit of naive goodness.
X: Take care, Eli.
G: We can follow you for a while?
E: I am not alone.
G: ???
X: Forget it. We've got no moral conclusion this week. Just
a nice set and a message about Eli as a Jesus rip off. He's
allright. Come on, let's go. We've got one more episode to go
before the censored ep.
THE END
