This is the story of how Megan and I created people in our heads. Now they entertain us. And bug the hell out of us.
My part is in blue. Megan's is green.
It all started with a song. “Home, home on the range” was stuck in my head. I started cracking up. Megan asked me what the hell was so damn funny. I told her there was a cowboy in my head. (Hey, it made sense to me, where else would that singing be coming from?) I told her what he was singing. So then Megan says “Thanks Caitlin, now I have a cowboy too!”
I pictured my cowboy. He was a midget. He wore a 50 gallon hat. He stood alone in the desert. Inside my head. I don’t know where any of this came from, it just happened. The cowboy had become a seperate entity.
I asked him what his name was. He said it was Earl. Meanwhile, inside Megan’s head...
...there was a cowboy named Floyd. He was not a midget. In fact, he was rather tall and looked a lot like Woody from “Toy Story”. It was nighttime in Floyd’s prarie and he was singing around the campfire like a good little cowboy.
Floyd: Home, home on the range....
Suddenly, the cows multiplied. Boing boing boing boing! Soon all that could be seen was a cowboy hat poking up out of a sea of moocows.
Floyd: Um. Hello?
There were far too many cows, so Caitlin sent a rhinoceros charging in from her head and he killed them all. Awwwww.
The scene changed abruptly (this happens quite a bit, given my teeny tiny attention span) and Floyd found himself riding a cartoon pony through a cartoon desert. Despite this change of pace, I was still getting irritated.
Floyd: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
There was a brief pause.
Floyd’s Ghost: Home, home on the afterlife...
NOTE: This all took place while we were at my house, with my mother and little sister looking on while we giggled like lunatics and dictated the goings-on.
Cows: Oh, christ. Not again...
Floyd ate some delicious hamburgers that night.
So the scene changed yet again, and Floyd found himself on a tropical island...with an active volcano!
Me: Die, motherfucker!
The Volcano: Crash, boom, lava, etc.
Then I was back in the desert, with Floyd’s ghost. Damn.
Meanwhile, back in Caitlin’s head.....
Earl the midget cowboy was lonely. He was all alone in the desert. He looked sad. So I materialized a midget cow for him. So this little midget was a-singin’, and his little cow was a-mooin’. But Earl was still lonely.
Meanwhile, in the desert of Megan’s head...
Me: Dude! I killed you, Floyd!
7 cowboys walked in. They were all identical, except for the fat accountant. He was disturbing.
Me: What are your names?
The Lloyds all began singing “Home on the range”, except for the fat accountant-- he left.
A Lloyd: Hey, now what?
Gay Lloyd promptly changed into drag and began prancing around.
Me: Go the hell away.
I decided to keep an eye on things, though and proclaimed myself their god....back to you, Cato.
The ghost was gone, replaced by a cowboy looking quite a bit like Woody from “Toy Story”.
Floyd: I’m not Floyd! I’m his brother....Floyd!
Home, home on the range...
Me: Nooooo!
Floyd: And I have seven brothers!
The Lloyds: Um...Lloyd!
Floyd decided to leave, too. He was off to Broadway to become a big star! Good luck, Floyd.
Another Lloyd: Yeah, we’re bored.
Yet Another Lloyd: What do we do? Floyd always told us what to do...
Me: Um, do whatever you want. Just don’t sing that song again.
Gay Lloyd: I’m gay!
Then Caitlin told me her own cowboy was getting lonely. I squashed my own crew tiny (so the midget wouldn’t feel inferior) and shipped the Lloyds off to her.
Lloyds: Whee! Road trip!
Earl got some new friends! Yay! Earl was introduced to Lloyd, Lloyd, Lloyd, Lloyd, and Gay Lloyd. The 4 Lloyds were happy. They started dancing like those stupid cowboys in that one Madonna video, only they were midgets and it looked really funny. Earl and Gay Lloyd built a campfire and became good friends. Suddenly the voice of God spoke to them. When I say God I mean Megan, but hey, Megan is God, so why don’t I shut the fuck up?
Me: Hey guys!
Them: Yeah?
Me: Don’t say “yeah”. Bow in reverence.
Them: Say what now?
Me: Never mind. Floyd’s gonna maybe sort of be a big star! He might almost kind of be in Cats!
And there was much rejoicing.
The cowboys became incredibly happy and started jumping up and down like a bunch of idiot midgets. They quickly did a broadway style version of “Home on the Range”. When they were finished, they gathered around the campfire and got drunk. They again began to sing, but they kept screwing it up, because they were hideously drunk. I had to yell at them because antelope do not roam, they play. Dammit, they play!!!
Then Megan said they can roam if they want to. A bunch of antelope appeared with protest signs. Fine, roam. Whatever.
Me: Hey guys, I command you to play Truth or Dare!
They did, although it wasn’t a very interesting game. One of the Lloyds did lick the cow...no, no, it was a boring game. Time for something else.
Me: Gay Lloyd, I command you to strip!
He obeyed, although he was a bit embarassed since I had turned him into a midget.
Me: Now we’re getting somewhere. Gay Lloyd, you may have wild monkey sex with Earl if you wish.
But he didn’t. Huh.
Me: Fine, I COMMAND you to do it!
Earl: It’s too early in our relationship.
Me: Don’t question the judgement of God. Besides, if he tries to break up with you I’ll zap him.
Out of nowhere the band Marilyn Manson showed up and started playing for the midgets. They played The Death Song.
Over on my side of the grey matter, a crazy man from New York City had arrived. Apparently he had stolen Floyd’s bus ticket home. Now granted, Floyd was a little annoying, but at least he didn’t wear six coats and smell like hot dogs. This guy wore six coats and smelled like hot dogs...
Crazy Man: Bleeeyah! Brlrlrlppp! Booga boola! Bryap bling?
Me: ..........yes. Go play with Caitlin.
And to Caitlin’s head he went.
The midget cow was freaked out. Everything was completely insane to him, all the midgets were drunk and then he found out Earl was gay. Then Marilyn Manson came? What the fuck??? Then to top it off, a screaming homeless insane person wearing six coats and smelling kind of like hot dogs appeared and screamed his fucking head off. The Lloyds decided to tie him to a stake and barbecue him.
I was rather enjoying the peace and quiet. But soon a man came knocking on my skull with a package. It was addressed to the Lloyds, so I sent it off to Caitlin...and thought her head must be getting awfully crowded.
Floyd came to visit! What fun......
He was in a box. Okay.
I was getting exhausted, there were too many people in my head. I figured Floyd, Lloyd, Lloyd, Lloyd, Lloyd, and Gay Lloyd might want to reunite with Megan. Gay Lloyd brought Earl. Marilyn Manson decided to go too, but got lost on the way. The midget cow was bored. He decided to go where the action was. The insane guy freed himself from the fire, ran 10 yards and fainted.
Well, Earl, Floyd, Gay Lloyd, and the Lloyds were back in my command...along with a rather weary-looking moocow. I was still upset that my Godly commands had been ignored, so I tied Earl up and let Gay Lloyd ravage him.
Me: Gay midget sex. Hee hee!
Caitlin had taught the Lloyds all about Madonna, so they started dancing and singing “Like A Virgin”. Floyd was getting kind of pissed.
Floyd: What the fuck did you do to my family?!?!
Exeunt Floyd. Enter Marilyn Manson!
The Band: Hey!
All of a sudden I got really bored and decided to electrocute everybody. Gods can do that, you know.
Me: Brzap! Hee hee!
By then, Gay Lloyd had finished with Earl. But he was still tied up, so Marilyn Manson poked him with a stick.
Earl: Owie!
One of the Lloyds was getting restless, so I sent him back to Caitlin.
Me: Fuck you. I’m God, and you’re not, nyah nyah nyah.
Me: What took you so long?
The Band: We were exploring Caitlin’s subconscious.
Me: Whoa.
The Band: Yeah.
Everybody: Owie!
Me: Stop it! That’s not nice!
Manson: You can’t tell me what to do. I’m a rock star!
Me: Yeah, well, I’m God!
Manson: You’re not the boss of me!
I was getting bored. Then a Lloyd showed up. He was wearing a white Elvis suit. He disco danced to the BeeGees. He passed out.
The rest of the Lloyds passed out from sheer exhaustion. I decided to calm the remaining partygoers with fingerpaints.
Manson: Wheee! I made a skull!
And I put them all to sleep.
Earl: I made a cow!
Gay Lloyd: I made a rose!
Me: Those paints aren’t edible, Gay Lloyd. You shouldn’t have drawn your rose on Earl’s dick.
Gay Lloyd: You’re not the boss of me!
Me: Oh, shut up.
Sid Vicious came to the desert in search of Linda, whose name he called out repeatedly. When she finally arrived, he was overjoyed. And they were one. And it was good.
Meanwhile, some world leaders had arrived in my head. Oh, shit.
Hitler: I claim this head for Germany!
Hitler was burnt to a crisp, and the other leaders fled in terror. Rock on.
Napoleon: i claim this head for France!
Some African Dictator Guy: Nybella umgam jmbabwe roo!
Me: Hey Hitler...c’mere...
Hitler: What?
Me: Brzap! Hee hee hee!
