10-3-02
9:51am
Still awake. Like, damn, and stuff. Yeah. We got super goofy. Freaked out everyone at the mall that knew us. Damn man, I fucking wouldn’t shut up all day. My brain has been going really fast and I can’t keep up with it. I try to explain what’s going on in my head to Alan and it takes forever just to put the words together and then when I’m done explaining it I realize it didn’t sound like it made sense, but it would still make perfect sense inside my head. It’s really hard for me to think...I’ve been wracking my brain just to try and understand what’s going on in my head. Jesus Christ, anyway, today instead of going to sleep we took more Dexedrine. (2 for me) The more time progresses, the more fucked up in the head we get. I was lying on the floor and, like, it felt like one of my hips didn’t have gravity anymore. So I yelled at it to have gravity and then I was momentarily unaware of which direction the floor was. When I tried to get up I had no balance and the room was spinning a little at first. When I was finally able to regain my balance I walked through the house (carefully, so as not to lose my gravity again), and into the breezeway. As I was loudly opening and closing drawers, trying to find the envelopes, I heard someone making their way through the house toward me. I acknowledged somewhere in my mind that it was a close male friend of mine that was staying with me. I guess I had been thinking about Louis at the time, because when the noise was in the doorway I caught a glimpse of Louis, but then Alan walked in and I remembered he was the one at my house. I went back to my room and sorted out some thoughts that were attacking my brain (after, of course, tapping my head irritatedly and muttering “braain”). (2 more) I think the brain going fast thing helps with figuring shit out because shit has so many different facets to it and if you can look at all the facets at once you can figure shit out all at once and then it takes for fucking ever to explain your profound realization, because you have to explain shit’s facets one at a time, and that’s not how shit worked in your brain, plus your brain is all tired and fucked up from sleep deprivation. So shit ends up sounding stupid. Not to mention you. You sound stupid. But why am I saying you? You’re not doing this, I am. Fuck.
3:07pm
I’m still awake, though everything around me feels like a dream. Alan went home around...um...before. I don’t know when it was. I have no idea how long I was sitting in the living room after he left, plucking my eyebrows and staring angrily at my teeth in the mirror. I think it was longer for the teeth. I guess my mind was just wandering, though I can’t remember anything I thought about. My short-term memory went bi bi about a day ago. It just feels like there was some kind of sea of emptiness between the call about the job interview and the time I noticed something was wrong with reality and got up to investigate. I felt like I was in a dream so at first I thought maybe I fell asleep in the chair. But then I noticed that the dreamlike setting was an exact replica of my house, so I thought maybe I fell asleep for a short time and had just woken up, still feeling dreamlike or something or whatever. I looked around carefully and saw that everything was exactly as it is in real life. Okay, not dreaming. I must be awake. So I thought back to what happened before I noticed the dream-type feeling and remembered looking at my teeth in the mirror, checking each tooth individually over and over again. My god, how long was I doing that? Could be more than an hour, maybe even two. I know I didn’t do anything else, I never left the chair except when I answered the phone and took a message for myself. Shit, I still feel like I’m trapped in a dream. This needs further investigation.
4:46pm
Okay, I’ve either gotten used to everything seeming fake or it’s become partially real, I can’t tell which. Tony showed up at my door to say hi while I was still freaking out and I think I scared him a little by doing so. But seeing him helped a bit, he’s more convincing than a bunch of inanimate objects covered in not-real juice. Now that I’m back in here by myself with my partially existing stuff I’m not sure what to do. Okay, first I have to have a little talk with myself.
I know I am not dreaming because:
A) Nothing is weirder or freakier or different from normal except my weird psychological fucked-up-ed-ness which is perfectly understandable considering the past couple days.
B) All of my dreams are way too fucked up and psychotic to be considered plausible.
C) There was no point in time that I could possibly have fallen asleep between Alan leaving (when I was in a perfectly stable state of mind for some reason) and me realizing shit was fucked up. The whole time I was wide awake, eyes wide open, completely focused on observing my teeth in the mirror.
D) Tony was way too realistic.
E) I fucking said so.
So what I’m thinking is that I should probably engage in a non-obsessive, non-repetitive activity until my mother gets home so I can make her let me on the internet so I can go to bed. After I go on the internet. If I see any flaming chickens I’m going to fucking kill Tony for fucking mentioning them.
10-4-02
5:38am
I slept from about 7:00 last night to about 3:00 am. I still don't feel very real. Everything in my body wants to go to sleep again, but I slept for a whole 8 hours already. I feel the difinite need for more sleep before my job interview tomorrow, so I took a sleeping pill. So hopefully pretty soon I'll either fall asleep or die. If I don't do either of those, there's gonna be a problem.
I don't know if I got any more sleep actually. I remember reaching up to touch my face and it was completely numb. So I just lay there on the floor like a piece of rubber until it was time for me to get ready for my job interview. Got the job. Need a drug test. Drug test checks for amphetamines. Heh.
