The World's Worst Ranma Fanfic Written by Razorclaw X (spiceoflife@hotmail.com) http://www.crosswinds.net/anaheim/~slythe/ranma/ranff.html Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 and characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi. And all that other good stuff. Proper licenses belong to respective properties and characters. This file can be freely distributed so long as it appears in its complete form and proper credit. No part may be reproduced for monetary gain without permission from the author. (to which the answer is probably "no") ------------------------------------------------ Opening: Don't need one (Tendo dojo, morning. Ranma and Akane spar in the dojo.) (Akane throws several one-two punches at Ranma's face, who fails to block.) Akane: Come on and defend yourself! Ranma: Don't you think I'm a little busy? (We cut back to see Shampoo, Kodachi, and Ukyo glomping on Ranma) Akane: In more ways than one, you idiot.... (Ukyo lets go of Ranma, and looks annoyed) Ukyo: Hey, what kind of a way is this to start a story? Kodachi: I don't know, but I'm liking it already.... (drools on Ranma) Shampoo: Aiyaaaa..... Ukyo: (to Shampoo) Don't you ever say anything in perfect English? Shampoo: (in fluent English) Don't you mean perfect Japanese? Ukyo: (peers at author suspiciously) Hey, she's right! (grabs author by the collar) What kind of a story is this?! Razorclaw X: (shrugs) Ummm, didn't you read the title? (Ukyo looks at title of this particular fanfic, then scowls) Ukyo: I didn't ask for this! What're you smoking, man? (unstraps giant spatula) Razorclaw X: Are you threatening me? Kodachi: I think you'd better watch what you write, darling. Shampoo: Aaaiii.... YEAH! Razorclaw X: *sigh* (As the author continues typing, Ranma, Akane, Kuno, Mousse, and Ryoga join in on the fun) Mousse: Can you do me a favor? Razorclaw X: What? Mousse: Write a story where Shampoo falls in love with me. (Shampoo beats Mousse over the head) (Author ponders) Razorclaw X: Naw, couldn't work. Not realistically, mind you. Mousse: (gets up from the floor) Why not? Razorclaw X: Well... because Takahashi-san said so? Kodachi: Oh, hohohohoho... so the author has a god after all? (Author types. A 2000-pound weight smashes Kodachi into a pancake) Razorclaw X: (to Kodachi, or at least, what's left of her) Shut up. (to the others) Don't bother me while I'm writing. Ranma: Since writers such as you wield so much power, I'll bet you can do whatever you want. Can you write in a cure for me? Razorclaw X: Cure? Ranma: Yeah, make it so I don't turn into a girl when splashed with cold water anymore. (Author types) Razorclaw X: Done. (Akane hands Ranma a bucket of cold water. Ranma dumps it on himself, but there is no change) Ranma: YES! I'm CURED! Razorclaw X: (hands over kettle of hot water) Well... try this. (Ranma dumps hot water on himself. Ranma turns into girl form) Ranma: #$%@#&^@ ????!!!! (Kuno rushes over to hug the now-female Ranma) Kuno: Pig-tailed girl! Razorclaw X: (shrugs) You said you didn't want to become a girl when splashed with cold water, after all. Now it's hot water. Ranma: I'll get you for this.... Razorclaw X: I. Think. Not. (Author types. Ranma dies.) Akane: (looks at the dead Ranma) How'd you kill him?! Razorclaw X: (shrugs) Does it really matter? He's dead, and so are you. (Akane dies.) Kuno: You dare destroy Akane Tendo and the pig-tailed girl?! I will smite you, heathen!!! Ryoga: How DARE you treat Akane that way?! Razorclaw X: Oh, I forgot about you. (Kuno loses his voice.) (Ryoga wanders off. He walks off a cliff and dies.) Razorclaw X: Anyone else want to argue with me? (The others shake their heads hastily) Ukyo: Hey, can you do me a favor? Razorclaw X: Sure, why not? I DO have an unreasonable pro-Ukyo bias. Ukyo: Make sure everybody knows that my behavior near the end of the manga series is attributed to a demon that possesses me and controls my actions. Everybody should know that I'm the nicest girl around. Razorclaw X: I don't know, is that really ethical? Ukyo: Who cares? Razorclaw X: (to self) She is my favorite and all... oh well. (Author types it in. The rest of the world knows.) Shampoo: Spatula-girl not.... I mean, Ukyo isn't the nicest girl around! Ukyo: Who asked you?! Razorclaw X: Oops, I forgot, I hate Shampoo, too. (Shampoo dies.) Razorclaw X: (surveys room) Okay, maybe now back to some work. Mousse: Why'd you kill Shampoo you moron?! Razorclaw X: Because she's too stupid to recognize the man within you. Don't you hate being treated like fodder? Mousse: I don't care! I want Shampoo!! (grabs author) BRING HER BACK!!! (Author types. Shampoo lives. Of course now she's wearing a bunny suit) Shampoo: (aghast) WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???! Razorclaw X: I was under the impression that every anime female has to wear bunny suits at one time or another. Am I mistaken? (runs through piles and piles of manga and anime tapes, shows them to Shampoo.) Rest my case. (Mousse shrugs. Shampoo slaps him.) Shampoo: (to author) Sexist pig! Now you'll die! (For no apparent reason Shampoo's wearing a white coat. Two men in white coats come to take her away.) Razorclaw X: I am NOT a sexist pig. It's not my fault for disagreeable Japanese traditions. Mousse: Where're they taking my Shampoo?! Razorclaw X: Don't worry, you'll get visitation hours. (Kuno tries to say something, but forgets he can't speak anymore) Ukyo: Can you do me another favor? Razorclaw X: Anything. Ukyo: Make sure the world knows that there's no way I can get together with that jackass Ryoga as a couple. Razorclaw X: Umm, I'm afraid that's a little beyond my power. Ukyo: WHY?! I thought you loved me! Razorclaw X: Well, the rumor went into full swing before I could contain it from further harming your perfect image. There's already some web pages out there dedicated to 'Ryoga and Ukyo.' Ukyo: (gags) I can't live with this! What perverted logic put me together with that idiot? Such a disgrace! You have to kill me! Razorclaw X: (taken aback) I can't!! I love you too much!!! Ukyo: KILL ME, DAMMIT! Or I'll use my demonic influences to FORCE you to kill me! (Author types. Ukyo forgets previous sentences.) Razorclaw X: Well, better than nothing, I think. Ukyo: Can you do me a favor? Razorclaw X: What this time, darling? Ukyo: Can you marry me to Ranma? Razorclaw X: Well, no, for one thing, I like him dead, and two, Takahashi-san said 'no.' Ukyo: Who's this 'Takahashi-san?' Razorclaw X: Your creator. Ukyo: Oh. (Kodachi returns to her normal shape again) Kodachi: Where's Ranma-sama?! Mousse: Oh, him? He's dead. And good riddance. Kodachi: (to author) BRING HIM BACK!!! Razorclaw X: *sigh* Sometimes you can't win. (Author types. Kodachi and Ranma appear together on a tropical desert island, alone.) Ukyo: Hey, how come you gave Kodachi Ranma? What about me? Razorclaw X: (shrugs) Kodachi didn't ask to marry him. That's her problem, not mine. (Kuno tries to say something again, but still didn't learn.) Razorclaw X: Oh, you want the pig-tailed girl? Sure, why not. (Kuno and the pig-tailed girl appear on a tropical desert island.) Mousse: How can that happen if Ranma's with Kodachi? Razorclaw X: I am Razorclaw X. I am the writer. I can do anything! (Author looks over fanfic.) Thanks to your friends, I forgot what I was writing about. Mousse: Don't look at me! Ukyo: Just so long as you remember my bad side is due to the efforts of a possessing demon! Mousse: (under his breath) Bullshit, bullshit.... Ukyo: (to Mousse) WHAT?! Mousse: Nothing. Ukyo: Watch it, pal, or I'll have to summon demons from the abyss to take care of you.... Mousse: Are you sure you aren't a succubus and not possessed? Ukyo: Why you...! Razorclaw X: I definitely need a better place to write. Closing: .... Everybody: SHUT UP! ----------------------------------------------- Author's Rant (Akane beats the author over the head with a mallet) Akane: I think you've said enough. Razorclaw X: I thought you were supposed to be dead. Akane: Oh yeah. (Akane dies.)