by Edgar Allan Poe
(1850)
IT'S on my visiting cards sure enough (and it's
them that's all o' pink satin paper) that inny gintleman that
plases may behould the intheristhin words, "Sir Pathrick
O'Grandison, Barronitt, 39 Southampton Row, Russell Square,
Parrish o' Bloomsbury." And shud ye be wantin' to diskiver who
is the pink of purliteness quite, and the laider of the hot tun
in the houl city o' Lonon- why it's jist mesilf. And fait that
same is no wonder at all at all (so be plased to stop curlin
your nose), for every inch o' the six wakes that I've been a
gintleman, and left aff wid the bogthrothing to take up wid the
Barronissy, it's Pathrick that's been living like a houly
imperor, and gitting the iddication and the graces. Och! and
wouldn't it be a blessed thing for your spirrits if ye cud lay
your two peepers jist, upon Sir Pathrick O'Grandison,
Barronitt, when he is all riddy drissed for the hopperer, or
stipping into the Brisky for the drive into the Hyde Park. But
it's the illigant big figgur that I ave, for the rason o' which
all the ladies fall in love wid me. Isn't it my own swate silf
now that'll missure the six fut, and the three inches more nor
that, in me stockins, and that am excadingly will proportioned
all over to match? And it is ralelly more than three fut and a
bit that there is, inny how, of the little ould furrener
Frinchman that lives jist over the way, and that's a oggling
and a goggling the houl day, (and bad luck to him,) at the
purty widdy Misthress Tracle that's my own nixt-door neighbor,
(God bliss her!) and a most particuller frind and acquaintance?
You percave the little spalpeen is summat down in the mouth,
and wears his lift hand in a sling, and it's for that same
thing, by yur lave, that I'm going to give you the good
rason.
The truth of the houl matter is jist simple
enough; for the very first day that I com'd from Connaught, and
showd my swate little silf in the strait to the widdy, who was
looking through the windy, it was a gone case althegither with
the heart o' the purty Misthress Tracle. I percaved it, ye see,
all at once, and no mistake, and that's God's truth. First of
all it was up wid the windy in a jiffy, and thin she threw open
her two peepers to the itmost, and thin it was a little gould
spy-glass that she clapped tight to one o' them and divil may
burn me if it didn't spake to me as plain as a peeper cud
spake, and says it, through the spy-glass: "Och! the tip o' the
mornin' to ye, Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt, mavourneen;
and it's a nate gintleman that ye are, sure enough, and it's
mesilf and me forten jist that'll be at yur sarvice, dear, inny
time o' day at all at all for the asking." And it's not mesilf
ye wud have to be bate in the purliteness; so I made her a bow
that wud ha' broken yur heart altegither to behould, and thin I
pulled aff me hat with a flourish, and thin I winked at her
hard wid both eyes, as much as to say, "True for you, yer a
swate little crature, Mrs. Tracle, me darlint, and I wish I may
be drownthed dead in a bog, if it's not mesilf, Sir Pathrick
O'Grandison, Barronitt, that'll make a houl bushel o' love to
yur leddyship, in the twinkling o' the eye of a Londonderry
purraty."
And it was the nixt mornin', sure, jist as I was
making up me mind whither it wouldn't be the purlite thing to
sind a bit o' writin' to the widdy by way of a love-litter,
when up com'd the delivery servant wid an illigant card, and he
tould me that the name on it (for I niver could rade the
copperplate printin on account of being lift handed) was all
about Mounseer, the Count, A Goose, Look- aisy,
Maiter-di-dauns, and that the houl of the divilish lingo was
the spalpeeny long name of the little ould furrener Frinchman
as lived over the way.
And jist wid that in cum'd the little willian
himself, and then he made me a broth of a bow, and thin he said
he had ounly taken the liberty of doing me the honor of the
giving me a call, and thin he went on to palaver at a great
rate, and divil the bit did I comprehind what he wud be afther
the tilling me at all at all, excipting and saving that he said
"pully wou, woolly wou," and tould me, among a bushel o' lies,
bad luck to him, that he was mad for the love o' my widdy
Misthress Tracle, and that my widdy Mrs. Tracle had a puncheon
for him.
At the hearin' of this, ye may swear, though, I
was as mad as a grasshopper, but I remimbered that I was Sir
Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt, and that it wasn't althegither
gentaal to lit the anger git the upper hand o' the purliteness,
so I made light o' the matter and kipt dark, and got quite
sociable wid the little chap, and afther a while what did he do
but ask me to go wid him to the widdy's, saying he wud give me
the feshionable inthroduction to her leddyship.
"Is it there ye are?" said I thin to mesilf, "and
it's thrue for you, Pathrick, that ye're the fortunittest
mortal in life. We'll soon see now whither it's your swate
silf, or whither it's little Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns, that
Misthress Tracle is head and ears in the love wid."
Wid that we wint aff to the widdy's, next door,
and ye may well say it was an illigant place; so it was. There
was a carpet all over the floor, and in one corner there was a
forty-pinny and a Jew's harp and the divil knows what ilse, and
in another corner was a sofy, the beautifullest thing in all
natur, and sitting on the sofy, sure enough, there was the
swate little angel, Misthress Tracle.
"The tip o' the mornin' to ye," says I, "Mrs.
Tracle," and thin I made sich an illigant obaysance that it wud
ha quite althegither bewildered the brain o' ye.
"Wully woo, pully woo, plump in the mud," says the
little furrenner Frinchman, "and sure Mrs. Tracle," says he,
that he did, "isn't this gintleman here jist his reverence Sir
Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt, and isn't he althegither and
entirely the most particular frind and acquaintance that I have
in the houl world?"
And wid that the widdy, she gits up from the sofy,
and makes the swatest curthchy nor iver was seen; and thin down
she sits like an angel; and thin, by the powers, it was that
little spalpeen Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns that plumped his silf
right down by the right side of her. Och hon! I ixpicted the
two eyes o' me wud ha cum'd out of my head on the spot, I was
so dispirate mad! Howiver, "Bait who!" says I, after awhile.
"Is it there ye are, Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns?" and so down I
plumped on the lift side of her leddyship, to be aven with the
willain. Botheration! it wud ha done your heart good to percave
the illigant double wink that I gived her jist thin right in
the face with both eyes.
But the little ould Frinchman he niver beginned to
suspict me at all at all, and disperate hard it was he made the
love to her leddyship. "Woully wou," says he, Pully wou," says
he, "Plump in the mud," says he.
"That's all to no use, Mounseer Frog, mavourneen,"
thinks I; and I talked as hard and as fast as I could all the
while, and throth it was mesilf jist that divarted her
leddyship complately and intirely, by rason of the illigant
conversation that I kipt up wid her all about the dear bogs of
Connaught. And by and by she gived me such a swate smile, from
one ind of her mouth to the ither, that it made me as bould as
a pig, and I jist took hould of the ind of her little finger in
the most dillikitest manner in natur, looking at her all the
while out o' the whites of my eyes.
And then ounly percave the cuteness of the swate
angel, for no sooner did she obsarve that I was afther the
squazing of her flipper, than she up wid it in a jiffy, and put
it away behind her back, jist as much as to say, "Now thin, Sir
Pathrick O'Grandison, there's a bitther chance for ye,
mavourneen, for it's not altogether the gentaal thing to be
afther the squazing of my flipper right full in the sight of
that little furrenner Frinchman, Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns."
Wid that I giv'd her a big wink jist to say, "lit
Sir Pathrick alone for the likes o' them thricks," and thin I
wint aisy to work, and you'd have died wid the divarsion to
behould how cliverly I slipped my right arm betwane the back o'
the sofy, and the back of her leddyship, and there, sure
enough, I found a swate little flipper all a waiting to say,
"the tip o' the mornin' to ye, Sir Pathrick O'Grandison,
Barronitt." And wasn't it mesilf, sure, that jist giv'd it the
laste little bit of a squaze in the world, all in the way of a
commincement, and not to be too rough wid her leddyship? and
och, botheration, wasn't it the gentaalest and dilikittest of
all the little squazes that I got in return? "Blood and
thunder, Sir Pathrick, mavourneen," thinks I to mesilf, "fait
it's jist the mother's son of you, and nobody else at all at
all, that's the handsomest and the fortunittest young
bog-throtter that ever cum'd out of Connaught!" And with that I
givd the flipper a big squaze, and a big squaze it was, by the
powers, that her leddyship giv'd to me back. But it would ha
split the seven sides of you wid the laffin' to behould, jist
then all at once, the consated behavior of Mounseer
Maiter-di-dauns. The likes o' sich a jabbering, and a smirking,
and a parley-wouing as he begin'd wid her leddyship, niver was
known before upon arth; and divil may burn me if it wasn't me
own very two peepers that cotch'd him tipping her the wink out
of one eye. Och, hon! if it wasn't mesilf thin that was mad as
a Kilkenny cat I shud like to be tould who it was!
"Let me infarm you, Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns,"
said I, as purlite as iver ye seed, "that it's not the gintaal
thing at all at all, and not for the likes o' you inny how, to
be afther the oggling and a goggling at her leddyship in that
fashion," and jist wid that such another squaze as it was I
giv'd her flipper, all as much as to say, "isn't it Sir
Pathrick now, my jewel, that'll be able to the proticting o'
you, my darlint?" and then there cum'd another squaze back, all
by way of the answer. "Thrue for you, Sir Pathrick," it said as
plain as iver a squaze said in the world, "Thrue for you, Sir
Pathrick, mavourneen, and it's a proper nate gintleman ye are-
that's God's truth," and with that she opened her two beautiful
peepers till I belaved they wud ha' cum'd out of her hid
althegither and intirely, and she looked first as mad as a cat
at Mounseer Frog, and thin as smiling as all out o' doors at
mesilf.
"Thin," says he, the willian, "Och hon! and a
wolly-wou, pully-wou," and then wid that he shoved up his two
shoulders till the divil the bit of his hid was to be
diskivered, and then he let down the two corners of his
purraty-trap, and thin not a haporth more of the satisfaction
could I git out o' the spalpeen.
Belave me, my jewel, it was Sir Pathrick that was
unreasonable mad thin, and the more by token that the Frinchman
kipt an wid his winking at the widdy; and the widdy she kept an
wid the squazing of my flipper, as much as to say, "At him
again, Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, mavourneen:" so I just ripped
out wid a big oath, and says I;
"Ye little spalpeeny frog of a bog-throtting son
of a bloody noun!"- and jist thin what d'ye think it was that
her leddyship did? Troth she jumped up from the sofy as if she
was bit, and made off through the door, while I turned my head
round afther her, in a complate bewilderment and botheration,
and followed her wid me two peepers. You percave I had a reason
of my own for knowing that she couldn't git down the stares
althegither and intirely; for I knew very well that I had hould
of her hand, for the divil the bit had I iver lit it go. And
says I; "Isn't it the laste little bit of a mistake in the
world that ye've been afther the making, yer leddyship? Come
back now, that's a darlint, and I'll give ye yur flipper." But
aff she wint down the stairs like a shot, and thin I turned
round to the little Frinch furrenner. Och hon! if it wasn't his
spalpeeny little paw that I had hould of in my own- why thin-
thin it wasn't- that's all.
And maybe it wasn't mesilf that jist died then
outright wid the laffin', to behold the little chap when he
found out that it wasn't the widdy at all at all that he had
had hould of all the time, but only Sir Pathrick O'Grandison.
The ould divil himself niver behild sich a long face as he pet
an! As for Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt, it wasn't for
the likes of his riverence to be afther the minding of a
thrifle of a mistake. Ye may jist say, though (for it's God's
thruth), that afore I left hould of the flipper of the spalpeen
(which was not till afther her leddyship's futman had kicked us
both down the stairs, I giv'd it such a nate little broth of a
squaze as made it all up into raspberry jam.
"Woully wou," says he, "pully wou," says he- "Cot
tam!"
And that's jist the thruth of the rason why he
wears his lift hand in a sling.
LITTLETON BARRY.
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