** Edgar Allan Poe **
(1850)
Method is the soul of business.OLD SAYING.
I AM a business man. I am a methodical man.
Method is the thing, after all. But there are no people I more
heartily despise than your eccentric fools who prate about
method without understanding it; attending strictly to its
letter, and violating its spirit. These fellows are always
doing the most out-of-the-way things in what they call an
orderly manner. Now here, I conceive, is a positive paradox.
True method appertains to the ordinary and the obvious alone,
and cannot be applied to the outre. What definite idea can a
body attach to such expressions as "methodical Jack o' Dandy,"
or "a systematical Will o' the Wisp"?
My notions upon this head might not have been so
clear as they are, but for a fortunate accident which happened
to me when I was a very little boy. A good-hearted old Irish
nurse (whom I shall not forget in my will) took me up one day
by the heels, when I was making more noise than was necessary,
and swinging me round two or knocked my head into a cocked hat
against the bedpost. This, I say, decided my fate, and made my
fortune. A bump arose at once on my sinciput, and turned out to
be as pretty an organ of order as one shall see on a summer's
day. Hence that positive appetite for system and regularity
which has made me the distinguished man of business that I
am.
If there is any thing on earth I hate, it is a
genius. Your geniuses are all arrant asses- the greater the
genius the greater the ass- and to this rule there is no
exception whatever. Especially, you cannot make a man of
business out of a genius, any more than money out of a Jew, or
the best nutmegs out of pine-knots. The creatures are always
going off at a tangent into some fantastic employment, or
ridiculous speculation, entirely at variance with the "fitness
of things," and having no business whatever to be considered as
a business at all. Thus you may tell these characters
immediately by the nature of their occupations. If you ever
perceive a man setting up as a merchant or a manufacturer, or
going into the cotton or tobacco trade, or any of those
eccentric pursuits; or getting to be a drygoods dealer, or
soap-boiler, or something of that kind; or pretending to be a
lawyer, or a blacksmith, or a physician- any thing out of the
usual way- you may set him down at once as a genius, and then,
according to the rule-of-three, he's an ass.
Now I am not in any respect a genius, but a
regular business man. My Day-book and Ledger will evince this
in a minute. They are well kept, though I say it myself; and,
in my general habits of accuracy and punctuality, I am not to
be beat by a clock. Moreover, my occupations have been always
made to chime in with the ordinary habitudes of my fellowmen.
Not that I feel the least indebted, upon this score, to my
exceedingly weak-minded parents, who, beyond doubt, would have
made an arrant genius of me at last, if my guardian angel had
not come, in good time, to the rescue. In biography the truth
is every thing, and in autobiography it is especially so- yet I
scarcely hope to be believed when I state, however solemnly,
that my poor father put me, when I was about fifteen years of
age, into the counting-house of what be termed "a respectable
hardware and commission merchant doing a capital bit of
business!" A capital bit of fiddlestick! However, the
consequence of this folly was, that in two or three days, I had
to be sent home to my button-headed family in a high state of
fever, and with a most violent and dangerous pain in the
sinciput, all around about my organ of order. It was nearly a
gone case with me then- just touch-and-go for six weeks- the
physicians giving me up and all that sort of thing. But,
although I suffered much, I was a thankful boy in the main. I
was saved from being a "respectable hardware and commission
merchant, doing a capital bit of business," and I felt grateful
to the protuberance which had been the means of my salvation,
as well as to the kindhearted female who had originally put
these means within my reach.
The most of boys run away from home at ten or
twelve years of age, but I waited till I was sixteen. I don't
know that I should have gone even then, if I had not happened
to hear my old mother talk about setting me up on my own hook
in the grocery way. The grocery way!- only think of that! I
resolved to be off forthwith, and try and establish myself in
some decent occupation, without dancing attendance any longer
upon the caprices of these eccentric old people, and running
the risk of being made a genius of in the end. In this project
I succeeded perfectly well at the first effort, and by the time
I was fairly eighteen, found myself doing an extensive and
profitable business in the Tailor's Walking-Advertisement
line.
I was enabled to discharge the onerous duties of
this profession, only by that rigid adherence to system which
formed the leading feature of my mind. A scrupulous method
characterized my actions as well as my accounts. In my case it
was method- not money- which made the man: at least all of him
that was not made by the tailor whom I served. At nine, every
morning, I called upon that individual for the clothes of the
day. Ten o'clock found me in some fashionable promenade or
other place of public amusement. The precise regularity with
which I turned my handsome person about, so as to bring
successively into view every portion of the suit upon my back,
was the admiration of all the knowing men in the trade. Noon
never passed without my bringing home a customer to the house
of my employers, Messrs. Cut & Comeagain. I say this
proudly, but with tears in my eyes- for the firm proved
themselves the basest of ingrates. The little account, about
which we quarreled and finally parted, cannot, in any item, be
thought overcharged, by gentlemen really conversant with the
nature of the business. Upon this point, however, I feel a
degree of proud satisfaction in permitting the reader to judge
for himself. My bill ran thus:
Messrs. Cut & Comeagain,
Merchant Tailors.
To Peter Proffit, Walking Advertiser,Drs. JULY 10.- to promenade, as usual and customer brought home... $00 25 JULY 11.- To do do do 25 JULY 12.- To one lie, second class; damaged black cloth sold for invisible green............................................... 25 JULY 13.- To one lie, first class, extra quality and size; recommended milled satinet as broadcloth...................... 75 JULY 20.- To purchasing bran new paper shirt collar or dickey, to set off gray Petersham..................................... 02 AUG. 15.- To wearing double-padded bobtail frock, (thermometer 106 in the shade)............................................. 25 AUG. 16.- Standing on one leg three hours, to show off new-style strapped pants at 12 1/2 cents per leg per hour............. 37 1/2 AUG. 17.- To promenade, as usual, and large customer brought (fat man)..................................................... 50 AUG. 18.- To do do (medium size)................. 25 AUG. 19.- To do do (small man and bad pay)....... 06 TOTAL [sic] $2 96 1/2
The item chiefly disputed in this bill was the
very moderate charge of two pennies for the dickey. Upon my
word of honor, this was not an unreasonable price for that
dickey. It was one of the cleanest and prettiest little dickeys
I ever saw; and I have good reason to believe that it effected
the sale of three Petershams. The elder partner of the firm,
however, would allow me only one penny of the charge, and took
it upon himself to show in what manner four of the same sized
conveniences could be got out of a sheet of foolscap. But it is
needless to say that I stood upon the principle of the thing.
Business is business, and should be done in a business way.
There was no system whatever in swindling me out of a penny- a
clear fraud of fifty per cent- no method in any respect. I left
at once the employment of Messrs. Cut & Comeagain, and set
up in the Eye-Sore line by myself- one of the most lucrative,
respectable, and independent of the ordinary occupations.
My strict integrity, economy, and rigorous
business habits, here again came into play. I found myself
driving a flourishing trade, and soon became a marked man upon
'Change. The truth is, I never dabbled in flashy matters, but
jogged on in the good old sober routine of the calling- a
calling in which I should, no doubt, have remained to the
present hour, but for a little accident which happened to me in
the prosecution of one of the usual business operations of the
profession. Whenever a rich old hunks or prodigal heir or
bankrupt corporation gets into the notion of putting up a
palace, there is no such thing in the world as stopping either
of them, and this every intelligent person knows. The fact in
question is indeed the basis of the Eye-Sore trade. As soon,
therefore, as a building-project is fairly afoot by one of
these parties, we merchants secure a nice corner of the lot in
contemplation, or a prime little situation just adjoining, or
tight in front. This done, we wait until the palace is half-way
up, and then we pay some tasty architect to run us up an
ornamental mud hovel, right against it; or a Down-East or Dutch
Pagoda, or a pig-sty, or an ingenious little bit of fancy work,
either Esquimau, Kickapoo, or Hottentot. Of course we can't
afford to take these structures down under a bonus of five
hundred per cent upon the prime cost of our lot and plaster.
Can we? I ask the question. I ask it of business men. It would
be irrational to suppose that we can. And yet there was a
rascally corporation which asked me to do this very thing- this
very thing! I did not reply to their absurd proposition, of
course; but I felt it a duty to go that same night, and
lamp-black the whole of their palace. For this the unreasonable
villains clapped me into jail; and the gentlemen of the
Eye-Sore trade could not well avoid cutting my connection when
I came out.
The Assault-and-Battery business, into which I was
now forced to adventure for a livelihood, was somewhat
ill-adapted to the delicate nature of my constitution; but I
went to work in it with a good heart, and found my account
here, as heretofore, in those stern habits of methodical
accuracy which had been thumped into me by that delightful old
nurse- I would indeed be the basest of men not to remember her
well in my will. By observing, as I say, the strictest system
in all my dealings, and keeping a well-regulated set of books,
I was enabled to get over many serious difficulties, and, in
the end, to establish myself very decently in the profession.
The truth is, that few individuals, in any line, did a snugger
little business than I. I will just copy a page or so out of my
Day-Book; and this will save me the necessity of blowing my own
trumpet- a contemptible practice of which no high-minded man
will be guilty. Now, the Day-Book is a thing that don't
lie.
"Jan. 1.- New Year's Day. Met Snap in the street,
groggy. Mem- he'll do. Met Gruff shortly afterward, blind
drunk. Mem- he'll answer, too. Entered both gentlemen in my
Ledger, and opened a running account with each.
"Jan. 2.- Saw Snap at the Exchange, and went up
and trod on his toe. Doubled his fist and knocked me down.
Good!- got up again. Some trifling difficulty with Bag, my
attorney. I want the damages at a thousand, but he says that
for so simple a knock down we can't lay them at more than five
hundred. Mem- must get rid of Bag- no system at all.
"Jan. 3- Went to the theatre, to look for Gruff.
Saw him sitting in a side box, in the second tier, between a
fat lady and a lean one. Quizzed the whole party through an
opera-glass, till I saw the fat lady blush and whisper to G.
Went round, then, into the box, and put my nose within reach of
his hand. Wouldn't pull it- no go. Blew it, and tried again- no
go. Sat down then, and winked at the lean lady, when I had the
high satisfaction of finding him lift me up by the nape of the
neck, and fling me over into the pit. Neck dislocated, and
right leg capitally splintered. Went home in high glee, drank a
bottle of champagne, and booked the young man for five
thousand. Bag says it'll do.
"Feb. 15- Compromised the case of Mr. Snap. Amount
entered in Journal- fifty cents- which see.
"Feb. 16.- Cast by that ruffian, Gruff, who made
me a present of five dollars. Costs of suit, four dollars and
twenty-five cents. Nett profit,- see Journal,- seventy-five
cents."
Now, here is a clear gain, in a very brief period,
of no less than one dollar and twenty-five cents- this is in
the mere cases of Snap and Gruff; and I solemnly assure the
reader that these extracts are taken at random from my
Day-Book.
It's an old saying, and a true one, however, that
money is nothing in comparison with health. I found the
exactions of the profession somewhat too much for my delicate
state of body; and, discovering, at last, that I was knocked
all out of shape, so that I didn't know very well what to make
of the matter, and so that my friends, when they met me in the
street, couldn't tell that I was Peter Proffit at all, it
occurred to me that the best expedient I could adopt was to
alter my line of business. I turned my attention, therefore, to
Mud-Dabbling, and continued it for some years.
The worst of this occupation is, that too many
people take a fancy to it, and the competition is in
consequence excessive. Every ignoramus of a fellow who finds
that he hasn't brains in sufficient quantity to make his way as
a walking advertiser, or an eye-sore prig, or a salt-and-batter
man, thinks, of course, that he'll answer very well as a
dabbler of mud. But there never was entertained a more
erroneous idea than that it requires no brains to mud-dabble.
Especially, there is nothing to be made in this way without
method. I did only a retail business myself, but my old habits
of system carried me swimmingly along. I selected my
street-crossing, in the first place, with great deliberation,
and I never put down a broom in any part of the town but that.
I took care, too, to have a nice little puddle at hand, which I
could get at in a minute. By these means I got to be well known
as a man to be trusted; and this is one-half the battle, let me
tell you, in trade. Nobody ever failed to pitch me a copper,
and got over my crossing with a clean pair of pantaloons. And,
as my business habits, in this respect, were sufficiently
understood, I never met with any attempt at imposition. I
wouldn't have put up with it, if I had. Never imposing upon any
one myself, I suffered no one to play the possum with me. The
frauds of the banks of course I couldn't help. Their suspension
put me to ruinous inconvenience. These, however, are not
individuals, but corporations; and corporations, it is very
well known, have neither bodies to be kicked nor souls to be
damned.
I was making money at this business when, in an
evil moment, I was induced to merge it in the Cur-Spattering- a
somewhat analogous, but, by no means, so respectable a
profession. My location, to be sure, was an excellent one,
being central, and I had capital blacking and brushes. My
little dog, too, was quite fat and up to all varieties of
snuff. He had been in the trade a long time, and, I may say,
understood it. Our general routine was this:- Pompey, having
rolled himself well in the mud, sat upon end at the shop door,
until he observed a dandy approaching in bright boots. He then
proceeded to meet him, and gave the Wellingtons a rub or two
with his wool. Then the dandy swore very much, and looked about
for a boot-black. There I was, full in his view, with blacking
and brushes. It was only a minute's work, and then came a
sixpence. This did moderately well for a time;- in fact, I was
not avaricious, but my dog was. I allowed him a third of the
profit, but he was advised to insist upon half. This I couldn't
stand- so we quarrelled and parted.
I next tried my hand at the Organ-Grinding for a
while, and may say that I made out pretty well. It is a plain,
straightforward business, and requires no particular abilities.
You can get a music-mill for a mere song, and to put it in
order, you have but to open the works, and give them three or
four smart raps with a hammer. In improves the tone of the
thing, for business purposes, more than you can imagine. This
done, you have only to stroll along, with the mill on your
back, until you see tanbark in the street, and a knocker
wrapped up in buckskin. Then you stop and grind; looking as if
you meant to stop and grind till doomsday. Presently a window
opens, and somebody pitches you a sixpence, with a request to
"Hush up and go on," etc. I am aware that some grinders have
actually afforded to "go on" for this sum; but for my part, I
found the necessary outlay of capital too great to permit of my
"going on" under a shilling.
At this occupation I did a good deal; but,
somehow, I was not quite satisfied, and so finally abandoned
it. The truth is, I labored under the disadvantage of having no
monkey- and American streets are so muddy, and a Democratic
rabble is so obstrusive, and so full of demnition mischievous
little boys.
I was now out of employment for some months, but
at length succeeded, by dint of great interest, in procuring a
situation in the Sham-Post. The duties, here, are simple, and
not altogether unprofitable. For example:- very early in the
morning I had to make up my packet of sham letters. Upon the
inside of each of these I had to scrawl a few lines on any
subject which occurred to me as sufficiently mysterious-
signing all the epistles Tom Dobson, or Bobby Tompkins, or
anything in that way. Having folded and sealed all, and stamped
them with sham postmarks- New Orleans, Bengal, Botany Bay, or
any other place a great way off- I set out, forthwith, upon my
daily route, as if in a very great hurry. I always called at
the big houses to deliver the letters, and receive the postage.
Nobody hesitates at paying for a letter- especially for a
double one- people are such fools- and it was no trouble to get
round a corner before there was time to open the epistles. The
worst of this profession was, that I had to walk so much and so
fast; and so frequently to vary my route. Besides, I had
serious scruples of conscience. I can't bear to hear innocent
individuals abused- and the way the whole town took to cursing
Tom Dobson and Bobby Tompkins was really awful to hear. I
washed my hands of the matter in disgust.
My eighth and last speculation has been in the
Cat-Growing way. I have found that a most pleasant and
lucrative business, and, really, no trouble at all. The
country, it is well known, has become infested with cats- so
much so of late, that a petition for relief, most numerously
and respectably signed, was brought before the Legislature at
its late memorable session. The Assembly, at this epoch, was
unusually well-informed, and, having passed many other wise and
wholesome enactments, it crowned all with the Cat-Act. In its
original form, this law offered a premium for cat-heads
(fourpence a-piece), but the Senate succeeded in amending the
main clause, so as to substitute the word "tails" for "heads."
This amendment was so obviously proper, that the House
concurred in it nem. con.
As soon as the governor had signed the bill, I
invested my whole estate in the purchase of Toms and Tabbies.
At first I could only afford to feed them upon mice (which are
cheap), but they fulfilled the scriptural injunction at so
marvellous a rate, that I at length considered it my best
policy to be liberal, and so indulged them in oysters and
turtle. Their tails, at a legislative price, now bring me in a
good income; for I have discovered a way, in which, by means of
Macassar oil, I can force three crops in a year. It delights me
to find, too, that the animals soon get accustomed to the
thing, and would rather have the appendages cut off than
otherwise. I consider myself, therefore, a made man, and am
bargaining for a country seat on the Hudson.