by Edgar Allan Poe
(1850)
O Breathe not, etc.Moore's Melodies
THE MOST notorious ill-fortune must in the end
yield to the untiring courage of philosophy- as the most
stubborn city to the ceaseless vigilance of an enemy.
Shalmanezer, as we have it in holy writings, lay three years
before Samaria; yet it fell. Sardanapalus- see Diodorus-
maintained himself seven in Nineveh; but to no purpose. Troy
expired at the close of the second lustrum; and Azoth, as
Aristaeus declares upon his honour as a gentleman, opened at
last her gates to Psammetichus, after having barred them for
the fifth part of a century....
"Thou wretch!- thou vixen!- thou shrew!" said I to
my wife on the morning after our wedding; "thou witch!- thou
hag!- thou whippersnapper- thou sink of iniquity!- thou
fiery-faced quintessence of all that is abominable!- thou-
thou-" here standing upon tiptoe, seizing her by the throat,
and placing my mouth close to her ear, I was preparing to
launch forth a new and more decided epithet of opprobrium,
which should not fail, if ejaculated, to convince her of her
insignificance, when to my extreme horror and astonishment I
discovered that I had lost my breath.
The phrases "I am out of breath," "I have lost my
breath," etc., are often enough repeated in common
conversation; but it had never occurred to me that the terrible
accident of which I speak could bona fide and actually happen!
Imagine- that is if you have a fanciful turn- imagine, I say,
my wonder- my consternation- my despair!
There is a good genius, however, which has never
entirely deserted me. In my most ungovernable moods I still
retain a sense of propriety, et le chemin des passions me
conduit- as Lord Edouard in the "Julie" says it did him- a la
philosophie veritable.
Although I could not at first precisely ascertain
to what degree the occurence had affected me, I determined at
all events to conceal the matter from my wife, until further
experience should discover to me the extent of this my unheard
of calamity. Altering my countenance, therefore, in a moment,
from its bepuffed and distorted appearance, to an expression of
arch and coquettish benignity, I gave my lady a pat on the one
cheek, and a kiss on the other, and without saying one syllable
(Furies! I could not), left her astonished at my drollery, as I
pirouetted out of the room in a Pas de Zephyr.
Behold me then safely ensconced in my private
boudoir, a fearful instance of the ill consequences attending
upon irascibility- alive, with the qualifications of the dead-
dead, with the propensities of the living- an anomaly on the
face of the earth- being very calm, yet breathless.
Yes! breathless. I am serious in asserting that my
breath was entirely gone. I could not have stirred with it a
feather if my life had been at issue, or sullied even the
delicacy of a mirror. Hard fate!- yet there was some
alleviation to the first overwhelming paroxysm of my sorrow. I
found, upon trial, that the powers of utterance which, upon my
inability to proceed in the conversation with my wife, I then
concluded to be totally destroyed, were in fact only partially
impeded, and I discovered that had I, at that interesting
crisis, dropped my voice to a singularly deep guttural, I might
still have continued to her the communication of my sentiments;
this pitch of voice (the guttural) depending, I find, not upon
the current of the breath, but upon a certain spasmodic action
of the muscles of the throat.
Throwing myself upon a chair, I remained for some
time absorbed in meditation. My reflections, be sure, were of
no consolatory kind. A thousand vague and lachrymatory fancies
took possesion of my soul- and even the idea of suicide flitted
across my brain; but it is a trait in the perversity of human
nature to reject the obvious and the ready, for the far-distant
and equivocal. Thus I shuddered at self-murder as the most
decided of atrocities while the tabby cat purred strenuously
upon the rug, and the very water dog wheezed assiduously under
the table, each taking to itself much merit for the strength of
its lungs, and all obviously done in derision of my own
pulmonary incapacity.
Oppressed with a tumult of vague hopes and fears,
I at length heard the footsteps of my wife descending the
staircase. Being now assured of her absence, I returned with a
palpitating heart to the scene of my disaster.
Carefully locking the door on the inside, I
commenced a vigorous search. It was possible, I thought, that,
concealed in some obscure corner, or lurking in some closet or
drawer, might be found the lost object of my inquiry. It might
have a vapory- it might even have a tangible form. Most
philosophers, upon many points of philosophy, are still very
unphilosophical. William Godwin, however, says in his
"Mandeville," that "invisible things are the only realities,"
and this, all will allow, is a case in point. I would have the
judicious reader pause before accusing such asseverations of an
undue quantum of absurdity. Anaxagoras, it will be remembered,
maintained that snow is black, and this I have since found to
be the case.
Long and earnestly did I continue the
investigation: but the contemptible reward of my industry and
perseverance proved to be only a set of false teeth, two pair
of hips, an eye, and a bundle of billets-doux from Mr.
Windenough to my wife. I might as well here observe that this
confirmation of my lady's partiality for Mr. W. occasioned me
little uneasiness. That Mrs. Lackobreath should admire anything
so dissimilar to myself was a natural and necessary evil. I am,
it is well known, of a robust and corpulent appearance, and at
the same time somewhat diminutive in stature. What wonder,
then, that the lath-like tenuity of my acquaintance, and his
altitude, which has grown into a proverb, should have met with
all due estimation in the eyes of Mrs. Lackobreath. But to
return.
My exertions, as I have before said, proved
fruitless. Closet after closet- drawer after drawer- corner
after corner- were scrutinized to no purpose. At one time,
however, I thought myself sure of my prize, having, in
rummaging a dressing-case, accidentally demolished a bottle of
Grandjean's Oil of Archangels- which, as an agreeable perfume,
I here take the liberty of recommending.
With a heavy heart I returned to my boudoir- there
to ponder upon some method of eluding my wife's penetration,
until I could make arrangements prior to my leaving the
country, for to this I had already made up my mind. In a
foreign climate, being unknown, I might, with some probability
of success, endeavor to conceal my unhappy calamity- a calamity
calculated, even more than beggary, to estrange the affections
of the multitude, and to draw down upon the wretch the
well-merited indignation of the virtuous and the happy. I was
not long in hesitation. Being naturally quick, I committed to
memory the entire tragedy of "Metamora." I had the good fortune
to recollect that in the accentuation of this drama, or at
least of such portion of it as is allotted to the hero, the
tones of voice in which I found myself deficient were
altogether unnecessary, and the deep guttural was expected to
reign monotonously throughout.
I practised for some time by the borders of a well
frequented marsh;- herein, however, having no reference to a
similar proceeding of Demosthenes, but from a design peculiarly
and conscientiously my own. Thus armed at all points, I
determined to make my wife believe that I was suddenly smitten
with a passion for the stage. In this, I succeeded to a
miracle; and to every question or suggestion found myself at
liberty to reply in my most frog-like and sepulchral tones with
some passage from the tragedy- any portion of which, as I soon
took great pleasure in observing, would apply equally well to
any particular subject. It is not to be supposed, however, that
in the delivery of such passages I was found at all deficient
in the looking asquint- the showing my teeth- the working my
knees- the shuffling my feet- or in any of those unmentionable
graces which are now justly considered the characteristics of a
popular performer. To be sure they spoke of confining me in a
strait-jacket- but, good God! they never suspected me of having
lost my breath.
Having at length put my affairs in order, I took
my seat very early one morning in the mail stage for --, giving
it to be understood, among my acquaintances, that business of
the last importance required my immediate personal attendance
in that city.
The coach was crammed to repletion; but in the
uncertain twilight the features of my companions could not be
distinguished. Without making any effectual resistance, I
suffered myself to be placed between two gentlemen of colossal
dimensions; while a third, of a size larger, requesting pardon
for the liberty he was about to take, threw himself upon my
body at full length, and falling asleep in an instant, drowned
all my guttural ejaculations for relief, in a snore which would
have put to blush the roarings of the bull of Phalaris. Happily
the state of my respiratory faculties rendered suffocation an
accident entirely out of the question.
As, however, the day broke more distinctly in our
approach to the outskirts of the city, my tormentor, arising
and adjusting his shirt-collar, thanked me in a very friendly
manner for my civility. Seeing that I remained motionless (all
my limbs were dislocated and my head twisted on one side), his
apprehensions began to be excited; and arousing the rest of the
passengers, he communicated, in a very decided manner, his
opinion that a dead man had been palmed upon them during the
night for a living and responsible fellow-traveller; here
giving me a thump on the right eye, by way of demonstrating the
truth of his suggestion.
Hereupon all, one after another (there were nine
in company), believed it their duty to pull me by the ear. A
young practising physician, too, having applied a pocket-mirror
to my mouth, and found me without breath, the assertion of my
persecutor was pronounced a true bill; and the whole party
expressed a determination to endure tamely no such impositions
for the future, and to proceed no farther with any such
carcasses for the present.
I was here, accordingly, thrown out at the sign of
the "Crow" (by which tavern the coach happened to be passing),
without meeting with any farther accident than the breaking of
both my arms, under the left hind wheel of the vehicle. I must
besides do the driver the justice to state that he did not
forget to throw after me the largest of my trunks, which,
unfortunately falling on my head, fractured my skull in a
manner at once interesting and extraordinary.
The landlord of the "Crow," who is a hospitable
man, finding that my trunk contained sufficient to indemnify
him for any little trouble he might take in my behalf, sent
forthwith for a surgeon of his acquaintance, and delivered me
to his care with a bill and receipt for ten dollars.
The purchaser took me to his apartments and
commenced operations immediately. Having cut off my ears,
however, he discovered signs of animation. He now rang the
bell, and sent for a neighboring apothecary with whom to
consult in the emergency. In case of his suspicions with regard
to my existence proving ultimately correct, he, in the
meantime, made an incision in my stomach, and removed several
of my viscera for private dissection.
The apothecary had an idea that I was actually
dead. This idea I endeavored to confute, kicking and plunging
with all my might, and making the most furious contortions- for
the operations of the surgeon had, in a measure, restored me to
the possession of my faculties. All, however, was attributed to
the effects of a new galvanic battery, wherewith the
apothecary, who is really a man of information, performed
several curious experiments, in which, from my personal share
in their fulfillment, I could not help feeling deeply
interested. It was a course of mortification to me,
nevertheless, that although I made several attempts at
conversation, my powers of speech were so entirely in abeyance,
that I could not even open my mouth; much less, then, make
reply to some ingenious but fanciful theories of which, under
other circumstances, my minute acquaintance with the
Hippocratian pathology would have afforded me a ready
confutation.
Not being able to arrive at a conclusion, the
practitioners remanded me for farther examination. I was taken
up into a garret; and the surgeon's lady having accommodated me
with drawers and stockings, the surgeon himself fastened my
hands, and tied up my jaws with a pocket-handkerchief- then
bolted the door on the outside as he hurried to his dinner,
leaving me alone to silence and to meditation.
I now discovered to my extreme delight that I
could have spoken had not my mouth been tied up with the
pocket-handkerchief. Consoling myself with this reflection, I
was mentally repeating some passages of the "Omnipresence of
the Deity," as is my custom before resigning myself to sleep,
when two cats, of a greedy and vituperative turn, entering at a
hole in the wall, leaped up with a flourish a la Catalani, and
alighting opposite one another on my visage, betook themselves
to indecorous contention for the paltry consideration of my
nose.
But, as the loss of his ears proved the means of
elevating to the throne of Cyrus, the Magian or Mige-Gush of
Persia, and as the cutting off his nose gave Zopyrus possession
of Babylon, so the loss of a few ounces of my countenance
proved the salvation of my body. Aroused by the pain, and
burning with indignation, I burst, at a single effort, the
fastenings and the bandage. Stalking across the room I cast a
glance of contempt at the belligerents, and throwing open the
sash to their extreme horror and disappointment, precipitated
myself, very dexterously, from the window. this moment passing
from the city jail to the scaffold erected for his execution in
the suburbs. His extreme infirmity and long continued ill
health had obtained him the privilege of remaining unmanacled;
and habited in his gallows costume- one very similar to my
own,- he lay at full length in the bottom of the hangman's cart
(which happened to be under the windows of the surgeon at the
moment of my precipitation) without any other guard than the
driver, who was asleep, and two recruits of the sixth infantry,
who were drunk.
As ill-luck would have it, I alit upon my feet
within the vehicle. immediately, he bolted out behind, and
turning down an alley, was out of sight in the twinkling of an
eye. The recruits, aroused by the bustle, could not exactly
comprehend the merits of the transaction. Seeing, however, a
man, the precise counterpart of the felon, standing upright in
the cart before their eyes, they were of (so they expressed
themselves,) and, having communicated this opinion to one
another, they took each a dram, and then knocked me down with
the butt-ends of their muskets.
It was not long ere we arrived at the place of
destination. Of course nothing could be said in my defence.
Hanging was my inevitable fate. I resigned myself thereto with
a feeling half stupid, half acrimonious. Being little of a
cynic, I had all the sentiments of a dog. The hangman, however,
adjusted the noose about my neck. The drop fell.
I forbear to depict my sensations upon the
gallows; although here, undoubtedly, I could speak to the
point, and it is a topic upon which nothing has been well said.
In fact, to write upon such a theme it is necessary to have
been hanged. Every author should confine himself to matters of
experience. Thus Mark Antony composed a treatise upon getting
drunk.
I may just mention, however, that die I did not.
My body was, but I had no breath to be, suspended; and but for
the knot under my left ear (which had the feel of a military
stock) I dare say that I should have experienced very little
inconvenience. As for the jerk given to my neck upon the
falling of the drop, it merely proved a corrective to the twist
afforded me by the fat gentleman in the coach.
For good reasons, however, I did my best to give
the crowd the worth of their trouble. My convulsions were said
to be extraordinary. My spasms it would have been difficult to
beat. The populace encored. Several gentlemen swooned; and a
multitude of ladies were carried home in hysterics. Pinxit
availed himself of the opportunity to retouch, from a sketch
taken upon the spot, his admirable painting of the "Marsyas
flayed alive."
When I had afforded sufficient amusement, it was
thought proper to remove my body from the gallows;- this the
more especially as the real culprit had in the meantime been
retaken and recognized, a fact which I was so unlucky as not to
know.
Much sympathy was, of course, exercised in my
behalf, and as no one made claim to my corpse, it was ordered
that I should be interred in a public vault.
Here, after due interval, I was deposited. The
sexton departed, and I was left alone. A line of Marston's
"Malcontent"-
Death's a good fellow and keeps open house-
struck me at that moment as a palpable lie.
I knocked off, however, the lid of my coffin,
and stepped out. The place was dreadfully dreary and damp, and
I became troubled with ennui. By way of amusement, I felt my
way among the numerous coffins ranged in order around. I lifted
them down, one by one, and breaking open their lids, busied
myself in speculations about the mortality within.
"This," I soliloquized, tumbling over a carcass,
puffy, bloated, and rotund- "this has been, no doubt, in every
sense of the word, an unhappy- an unfortunate man. It has been
his terrible lot not to walk but to waddle- to pass through
life not like a human being, but like an elephant- not like a
man, but like a rhinoceros.
"His attempts at getting on have been mere
abortions, and his circumgyratory proceedings a palpable
failure. Taking a step forward, it has been his misfortune to
take two toward the right, and three toward the left. His
studies have been confined to the poetry of Crabbe. He can have
no idea of the wonder of a pirouette. To him a pas de papillon
has been an abstract conception. He has never ascended the
summit of a hill. He has never viewed from any steeple the
glories of a metropolis. Heat has been his mortal enemy. In the
dog-days his days have been the days of a dog. Therein, he has
dreamed of flames and suffocation- of mountains upon mountains-
of Pelion upon Ossa. He was short of breath- to say all in a
word, he was short of breath. He thought it extravagant to play
upon wind instruments. He was the inventor of self-moving fans,
wind-sails, and ventilators. He patronized Du Pont the
bellows-maker, and he died miserably in attempting to smoke a
cigar. His was a case in which I feel a deep interest- a lot in
which I sincerely sympathize.
"But here,"- said I- "here"- and I dragged
spitefully from its receptacle a gaunt, tall and
peculiar-looking form, whose remarkable appearance struck me
with a sense of unwelcome familiarity- "here is a wretch
entitled to no earthly commiseration." Thus saying, in order to
obtain a more distinct view of my subject, I applied my thumb
and forefinger to its nose, and causing it to assume a sitting
position upon the ground, held it thus, at the length of my
arm, while I continued my soliloquy.
-"Entitled," I repeated, "to no earthly
commiseration. Who indeed would think of compassioning a
shadow? Besides, has he not had his full share of the blessings
of mortality? He was the originator of tall monuments-
shot-towers- lightning-rods- Lombardy poplars. His treatise
upon "Shades and Shadows" has immortalized him. He edited with
distinguished ability the last edition of "South on the Bones."
He went early to college and studied pneumatics. He then came
home, talked eternally, and played upon the French-horn. He
patronized the bagpipes. Captain Barclay, who walked against
Time, would not walk against him. Windham and Allbreath were
his favorite writers,- his favorite artist, Phiz. He died
gloriously while inhaling gas- levique flatu corrupitur, like
the fama pudicitae in Hieronymus.* He was indubitably a"-
*Tenera res in feminis fama pudicitiae, et quasi flos pulcherrimus, cito ad levem marcessit auram, levique flatu corrumpitur, maxime, &c.- Hieronymus ad Salvinam.
"How can you?- how- can- you?"- interrupted the
object of my animadversions, gasping for breath, and tearing
off, with a desperate exertion, the bandage around its jaws-
"how can you, Mr. Lackobreath, be so infernally cruel as to
pinch me in that manner by the nose? Did you not see how they
had fastened up my mouth- and you must know- if you know any
thing- how vast a superfluity of breath I have to dispose of!
If you do not know, however, sit down and you shall see. In my
situation it is really a great relief to be able to open ones
mouth- to be able to expatiate- to be able to communicate with
a person like yourself, who do not think yourself called upon
at every period to interrupt the thread of a gentleman's
discourse. Interruptions are annoying and should undoubtedly be
abolished- don't you think so?- no reply, I beg you,- one
person is enough to be speaking at a time.- I shall be done by
and by, and then you may begin.- How the devil sir, did you get
into this place?- not a word I beseech you- been here some time
myself- terrible accident!- heard of it, I suppose?- awful
calamity!- walking under your windows- some short while ago-
about the time you were stage-struck- horrible occurrence!-
heard of "catching one's breath," eh?- hold your tongue I tell
you!- I caught somebody elses!- had always too much of my own-
met Blab at the corner of the street- wouldn't give me a chance
for a word- couldn't get in a syllable edgeways- attacked,
consequently, with epilepsis- Blab made his escape- damn all
fools!- they took me up for dead, and put me in this place-
pretty doings all of them!- heard all you said about me- every
word a lie- horrible!- wonderful- outrageous!- hideous!-
incomprehensible!- et cetera- et cetera- et cetera- et
cetera-"
It is impossible to conceive my astonishment at so
unexpected a discourse, or the joy with which I became
gradually convinced that the breath so fortunately caught by
the gentleman (whom I soon recognized as my neighbor
Windenough) was, in fact, the identical expiration mislaid by
myself in the conversation with my wife. Time, place, and
circumstances rendered it a matter beyond question. I did not
at least during the long period in which the inventor of
Lombardy poplars continued to favor me with his
explanations.
In this respect I was actuated by that habitual
prudence which has ever been my predominating trait. I
reflected that many difficulties might still lie in the path of
my preservation which only extreme exertion on my part would be
able to surmount. Many persons, I considered, are prone to
estimate commodities in their possession- however valueless to
the then proprietor- however troublesome, or distressing- in
direct ratio with the advantages to be derived by others from
their attainment, or by themselves from their abandonment.
Might not this be the case with Mr. Windenough? In displaying
anxiety for the breath of which he was at present so willing to
get rid, might I not lay myself open to the exactions of his
avarice? There are scoundrels in this world, I remembered with
a sigh, who will not scruple to take unfair opportunities with
even a next door neighbor, and (this remark is from Epictetus)
it is precisely at that time when men are most anxious to throw
off the burden of their own calamities that they feel the least
desirous of relieving them in others.
Upon considerations similar to these, and still
retaining my grasp upon the nose of Mr. W., I accordingly
thought proper to model my reply.
"Monster!" I began in a tone of the deepest
indignation- "monster and double-winded idiot!- dost thou, whom
for thine iniquities it has pleased heaven to accurse with a
two-fold respimtion- dost thou, I say, presume to address me in
the familiar language of an old acquaintance?- 'I lie,'
forsooth! and 'hold my tongue,' to be sure!- pretty
conversation indeed, to a gentleman with a single breath!- all
this, too, when I have it in my power to relieve the calamity
under which thou dost so justly suffer- to curtail the
superfluities of thine unhappy respiration."
Like Brutus, I paused for a reply- with which,
like a tornado, Mr. Windenough immediately overwhelmed me.
Protestation followed upon protestation, and apology upon
apology. There were no terms with which he was unwilling to
comply, and there were none of which I failed to take the
fullest advantage.
Preliminaries being at length arranged, my
acquaintance delivered me the respiration; for which (having
carefully examined it) I gave him afterward a receipt.
I am aware that by many I shall be held to blame
for speaking in a manner so cursory, of a transaction so
impalpable. It will be thought that I should have entered more
minutely, into the details of an occurrence by which- and this
is very true- much new light might be thrown upon a highly
interesting branch of physical philosophy.
To all this I am sorry that I cannot reply. A hint
is the only answer which I am permitted to make. There were
circumstances- but I think it much safer upon consideration to
say as little as possible about an affair so delicate- so
delicate, I repeat, and at the time involving the interests of
a third party whose sulphurous resentment I have not the least
desire, at this moment, of incurring.
We were not long after this necessary arrangement
in effecting an escape from the dungeons of the sepulchre. The
united strength of our resuscitated voices was soon
sufficiently apparent. Scissors, the Whig editor, republished a
treatise upon "the nature and origin of subterranean noises." A
reply- rejoinder- confutation- and justification- followed in
the columns of a Democratic Gazette. It was not until the
opening of the vault to decide the controversy, that the
appearance of Mr. Windenough and myself proved both parties to
have been decidedly in the wrong.
I cannot conclude these details of some very
singular passages in a life at all times sufficiently eventful,
without again recalling to the attention of the reader the
merits of that indiscriminate philosophy which is a sure and
ready shield against those shafts of calamity which can neither
be seen, felt nor fully understood. It was in the spirit of
this wisdom that, among the ancient Hebrews, it was believed
the gates of Heaven would be inevitably opened to that sinner,
or saint, who, with good lungs and implicit confidence, should
vociferate the word "Amen!" It was in the spirit of this wisdom
that, when a great plague raged at Athens, and every means had
been in vain attempted for its removal, Epimenides, as Laertius
relates, in his second book, of that philosopher, advised the
erection of a shrine and temple "to the proper God."
LYTTLETON BARRY.
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