YET MORE JOKES FROM PEN
BEAGLE LETTERS TO GOD
Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same
old story?
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not
one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We
dogs love a nice ride!
I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy
to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is
he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic
energy fields, and frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear
back is the beagle across the street!
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't
make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?
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DOGGED DEFINITIONS
DEAFNESS:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in
and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the
person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn
them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS:
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to
run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
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WORK OR LIFE?
The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village
where a small boat with just one fisherman was docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
But what then, senor?
The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.
Millions, senor? Then what?
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing
village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you
could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrating their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
[ WAIT! WAIT! THERE'S MORE! ]
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first asked, breathlessly. "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied, "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail. Where is your tail?"
The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St. Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St. Peter would not change his mind.
So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!
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Rob had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Rob. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Rob, You're a veterinarian."
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Larry Hill and his new wife, Beth, were vacationing on a small Caribbean Island. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted road. It was late, and raining very hard. Larry could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Larry attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Larry shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Larry knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Larry carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Larry immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Larry Hill, and this is my wife, Beth. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has
been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??" "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him." Larry brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor, I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Beth and carries her downstairs, with Larry following closely. Igor is placeing Beth on a table in the lab when Larry suddenly collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Larry on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Quickly, prepare a transfusion!" Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Larry and Beth Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on
Beth Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Larry's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Beth sits straight up, then Larry!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master, "Master, Master! The Hills are alive! ...with the sound of music!!!"
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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a
sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts
searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds
it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it
is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and
persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive
back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the
Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played
backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is
playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies
are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed,
the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has
spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all
listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just
then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone
in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
. . . .
He's decomposing.
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Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking Jack Daniels from the
bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon
inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door
neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come
home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with
it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our
dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I
washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry
with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I
jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be
written off as "natural causes".
Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in
as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight
for the cage. Only this time she stopped about
six feet away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good
neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I
could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would
dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in its cage??"
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This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation
of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.
*******************************************************
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations 10-10-95.
*******************************************************
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to
the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I
say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS
MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US
NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
•This transcript courtesy of Ming the Merciless, who clearly is.
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