I think I'm gonna cry. Honest. Want to know why? Because...I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. Simple as that. I Don't. I DON'T.

FU©K ME. The tears are already flowin.

I've already written this over twice. The fu©king internet pisses me off...everything got deleted.It's 3:08 in the morning. I should be going to sleep. I really should. But you know what? I can't. I can't leave the keyboard until I say what I have to say. I can't leave the keyboard until I know that everything's alright. I can't leave the keyboard...because I know everything will never be alright...not until tomorrow...not until forever. But nevertheless, these words must be said...whether or not they fall on deaf ears. I have to talk to somebody. So, read on if you will.

I feel terrible. TERRIBLE. It's all my fault. My own goddamn fault. You see, I have a thing called my concience. It's a blessing, and a curse.
At the beginning, it seemed as if the whole world was against me. Homework-obessive-teachers, Backstabbing-friends, over-protective-parents...(the list goes on). Life sucked. I wanted to die. I couldn't take anymore. --And then, one day, out of the blue--someone reached out to me. I took their hand. --And suddenly, everyone is concerned about me.
I don't see what's the big deal. Where were they before, when I actually needed help? People. They piss me off. Conformity. That pisses me off as well. They told me horrible things...things that I wanted to ignore. Things that could not be ignored. Making my only true friend seem like an enemy. I tried to deal with all the crap. I put up with their stories. I refused to listen to them...but there's only so much I can tolerate...and that's when my concience kicks in. That little voice inside my head.

I never saw the bad side. I just heard about it. I didn't want to believe that it was true...but I had to...when my trust was broken, and a lie was told. At that time, I didn't know what to think. My whole world came crashing down...and with it, all sense of reason.

To this very moment, I can't tell if I'm listening to my heart or my head. I don't know why they contradict each other. I don't know which one is saying what, or which one I should be following.

I made my decision 7 hours ago (it's now 4:00)...and now, I'm having second thoughts....NO, scratch that. MAJOR REGRETS.

Perhaps I shoulda stuck with the "If it's not broken, don't fix it" motto. It wasn't broken. I broke it. Now, I'm thinking about repairing it...but I know that cannot happen. Even if it is just a lousy flesh-wound.

Here's the time to be selfish, and ask "what do I really want?"...but the thing is, I don't know the answer. I'm just a lost, dazed, and confused girl, wandering alone in outerspace. Who got stuck somewhere between the atmosphere and Jupiter while trying to follow a shooting star.

The soul-search continues.