Neurotic Bliss
It may appear insane, but through my eyes, it perfectly sane..
"To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour."
-William Blake, Auguries of Innocence
I didn't daydream about
fire anymore.
Now I imagined people watching while He beat me, though only when
it was not happening.
When he beat me,
I screamed and kicked
and cried like
the baby I was.
But sometimes when I was
safe and alone,
I would imagine the ones who watched.
Someone had to watch,
some girl I admired
who barely knew
I existed,
some girl from our church or down the street,
or one of my cousins or even somebody I had seen on television.
Sometimes a whole group of them would be trapped
into watching.
|
"I was ashamed of myself for the things I thought about when I put my hands between my legs, more ashamed for masturbating to the fantasy of being beaten than for being beaten in the first place"
|
They couldn't help
or get away.
They had to watch.
In my imagination
I was proud
and defiant.
I'd stare back at him
with my teeth set making no
sound at all,
no shameful scream, no begging.
Those who watched
admired me and
hated him.
I pictured it that way
and put my hands between my legs.
It was scary,
but it was
thrilling too.
Those who
watched me
loved me. It was as if I was being beaten for them.
I was wonderful
in their eyes.
|
Update 07-06-03Alrighty, so perhaps you have heard. The portion of my site that contained all the "naughty" bash pics, was deleted by Angelfire. *rolls my eyes* Sooooo, I guess it is up to me to rebuild, bigger, better and ten times more perverted than last. Mark my words people..they thought that was smutty? The ain't seen nothing yet. In the meantime, I've added a new story in Mind, Body, Heart and Soul. Entitled, "Anything for You." Enjoy!!
Update 10-20-01Kay, so You are prolly looking for pics of the October Bash, and I assure You they are coming right up, just as soon as I get my ass in gear. *winks and shakes it a bit* In the meantime, check out some changes, managed to get one more Art Gallery in there, two new stories.. including my recent rambling "Dame de Compagnie" What else, oh yeah and I changed a few things and fiddled with this and that, if You pay attention, You just might find it *grins a mile wide*
Update 09-01-01I have been in here working lately after a long creative block..so far, I have added one more picture gallery, "Artist Unknown" I have added some links with many more to come there *I have since figured since my last crash, that the best place I can put all my bookmarks and not fear losing all of them, is here, yeppers* And, there will be within the next week, some more stories, written by both myself and Others all of course promised to stimulate and titillate *grins* Also, a warm thank You to All that left me a message in my guest book, the precious few with manners enough to leave words that only serve to encourage me to do more..*slips each and everyone of them a twenty spot*
One of my most cherished material possesions is one of those little black and white compostion notebooks, that used to be my journal.. I took that book with me everywhere, and I mean everywhere that I went. And whenever something struck me, be it a simple observation, a poem, a drawing, anything at all..I would faithfully write in my book.
A whole two years of my life is recorded in those pages. Clippings, ramblings, absolute nonsense..at other times, rage, sorrow..words poured from my heart, onto paper, tears staining the pages...
I feel so fortunate to have that little book still..for nearly 15 years, though all the moves, the pages swollen from water damage, the corner gnawed off from my puppy.. I cherish, that journal, those memories, that time in my life..where I was, and where it shows me, I have come to...
I tried again to keep a journal..I even got the same style notebook that I was so fond of back then. And I managed to make a few entries..but never quite had enough time in my day to write. Soooo, I decided, well hell's bell's ame girl, you can make your own little black book online..Hell knows you spend enough of your time here, and really when I want to create, write, etc..I am on my puter...makes sense doesn't it?
This is my black book..my collection of writings, stories, my own and others, links to my favorites places to go, my friends and some of their wisdom, pictures, my collection of erotic art..and probably a whole lot more when I get to creating some more..so come on in, kick back and enjoy..*grins*
amethyst~
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