Title 1: THE WIFE!
Upon waking in the morning ,Ralph has a terrible hangover, Going downstairs he ask his wife :
"Honey,I know I made a fool out of myself at the party last night,so tell me what I did."
"You got in an argument with your boss."
"Well,piss on him!!!" said the husband.
"You did !. He fired you." Said the wife.
"Well,screw him!!!" said the husband.
"I did!" said the wife ."that’s why you’re back to work on Monday."


Title 2: DEAF ,MUTE and WONDERING...
Two deaf people get married . During the first week of marriage , they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language . After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings , the wife decides to find a solution . “ Honey,” she signs, “ Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? .For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze MY LEFT breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze MY RIGHT breast one time.” . “The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea , Now if you want to have sex , reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……HUNDRED TIMES !"


Title 3: SEE NO EVIL
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated,and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude!
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door...
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.
They open the door, and the man enters and says "Nice boobs ladies.. where do you want these blinds?"


Title 4: THE ASSASIN.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing was done,there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.
For the final test,the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."


Title 5: WHO NEEDS A DOCTOR?
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor" and Mike says"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner,Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore.He deposits ten dollars,and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later...the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1.Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.
2.Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit.Get her into rehab.
4.Your wife is pregnant...twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.
5.If you don't stop playing with yourself,your elbow will never get better!


Title 6: WEDDING NIGHT CODE.
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, She tells each one to write to her about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a “CODE” to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The First one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply : “MAXWELL COFEE HOUSE”. Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says : “ Good to the last drop…..” So ,Mother is happy. Then second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads : “ROTHMAN’S MATTRESSES”. So the mother look at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad , and it says : “FULL SIZE , KING SIZE” .And mother is happy . Then it was the third one’s wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message : “ BRITISH AIRWAYS” . And mother looks into the British Airways Ad , But this time she fainted. The Ad reads : “ THREE TIMES A DAY , SEVEN DAY A WEEK , BOTH WAYS.”

Title 7: HORNY GORILLA

A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, a female ,became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem : She was in heat .What to do ? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators notices Bob an employee responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Now Bob was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn’t very bright. So the Zoo administrators thought they might entice Bob to satisfy the female gorilla. They approached him, “Would you be willing to screw the gorilla for \\$500? Bob : “Hmmm….I might be interested. Let me think it over” The following day….in administrators office…. Bob : “ I accept your offer ,but with 3 conditions : 1. I don’t want to have to kiss her. 2. I’m not responsible for or have to do with any offspring that may result (cocky) The Zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired the 3rd condition?! Bob “ Well the 3rd one, you’ve got to give me a week to come up with the \\$500.”

thats all folks...only the best are showing, stay tune...