Chapter VI: In A Perfect World

By Aries

"... Hello?"

"Hey, Dana."

"Hi!"

"Reservations are made."

"Great! When’re you coming?"

"April first."

"I’ll put in for my time off. Uh... did you make those reservations for two?"

"I did."

"Your brother okay?"

"If by okay, you mean smiling and happy, the answer is no. He’s quiet; he’s withdrawn; he’s visibly nervous."

Scully sighed. "This isn’t going to be easy, is it?"

"Not at all. I feel so bad for him, Dana. A month with his heart’s desire should have him walking on air, but he just can’t enjoy it."

"What’s he doing now?"

"He’s out walking. So... how’s everything there?"

"We’re wrapping up."

"You are?"

"Yeah. Suspect was found dead in her cell this morning. I did an autopsy earlier and found zip wrong in the initial exam."

"S-so, what does that mean?"

"To me or to Mulder?"

Peter chuckled. "What do you think?"

"Cause of death so far, I’d have to say, is inconclusive. It’s not looking like a suicide so far. I mean, there are only so many ways you can kill yourself in a jail cell, and they’re all pretty noticeable... unless somebody slipped her something, and we’ll have to wait for the tox screens and whatnot to come back before making any determinations about that."

"So, are you leaning toward natural causes?"

"I guess I’d have to say yes. Mulder, of course, comes firmly down on the side of the supernatural."

"He’s a character."

"Yeah. This morning, there was a text message on his phone."

"From who?"

"Samantha."

"Uh..."

"I know, I know. He’s positive it was her, though. After his conversation with Alex last night, he asked her for help in dealing with him."

"And it came in the form of a text?"

"Yeah."

"What’d it say?"

"Easy."

"Easy, what?"

"That was it. Easy. He thinks she’s trying to tell him to take it easy with him."

"Not exactly earthshaking. Wouldn’t she have given him something better than that?"

"His explanation..."

"He had one?"

"Of course. He said that since it took a tremendous amount of energy to contact him from... wherever, all she could do was manage one word. Easy is what she chose."

"Dana, he’s so damned sure... Would you think me nuts if I said to you that he’s got me almost convinced that she really had been visiting him? Alex believes it completely."

"No, I wouldn’t think you were nuts," Scully said. "Mulder is so secure in his convictions that it's easy to believe."

"But you don’t."

"I can’t say that it’s absolutely impossible, because I’ve got no hard proof one way or the other. But I do know that if someone who’s very loved has passed on, it’s easy for the one left behind to... ‘see’ them. I think it has a lot to do with need."

"You sound like someone who’s had experience with the subject."

"... M... When my father died, I saw him. They... he and my mother had just been at a holiday dinner at my place. After I cleaned up, I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up and saw him sitting in the chair across from me. I was so sure that he was there. The phone rang. It took my attention for a second, and when I looked back, he was gone. I got up to answer the phone, and it was my mother, telling me that he’d had died from a massive heart attack."

"... Wow. Were you awake when you saw him?"

"I was sure that I was at the time. But I couldn’t have been."

"You don’t sound sure."

Scully didn’t answer.

"Dana... you saw him before your mother called. At that point you didn’t know yet that he had passed."

"It was a dream, Peter. It was just a dream. I’d just seen my father; he was on my mind; and I dreamt about him."

"Wow. You’re tough. Are you sure you’re going to be able to deal with having two total believers and one almost believer on your hands?"

Scully heard the smile in his voice.

"I’ll manage. So... April first."

"Yep."

"Let’s talk about accommodations..."

The pair sat in silence at the airport snack bar. One staring down into long cold coffee, and the other watching.

"Did you expect he’d jump on the phone the minute he knew his flight information?"

"No. I guess not," Fox said, still looking into his cup.

"You’re not going to let the night go by without talking to him, though, are you?"

Fox looked up and shook his head. "I’ll give it until we get home; then, if I haven’t heard from him, I’ll call. I just... I wish he would have called on his own."

"I told you what Peter said."

"I know. And I guess I really didn’t expect anything else, but I hoped."

Scully nodded. "You’re not going to give him a hard time if you have to call, are you?"

"No. Easy, remember?"

"Yeah."

Minutes later, their flight was called, and they headed home.

Peter sat watching the evening news with one eye on the television and one eye on his brother, who stood on the balcony, statue still as he watched the daylight begin to fade. He debated with himself for a few minutes then rose to his feet and limped to the door.

"Alex."

The younger man didn’t answer, but Peter knew that he heard.

"You gonna call him?"

No answer.

"You told him you would."

"I know."

"Then?"

Alex shook his head and said nothing.

"What is it? He already knows when the reservations are for. Do you think that if you don’t talk with him about it, you don’t have to admit to the fact that it’s really going to happen?"

Alex sifted his fingers though his hair.

"He’ll be so happy."

"Aaaaand, you don’t want him to be?"

"I do. But this isn’t the way."

"Don’t you think you should leave it up to Mulder to decide what would make him happy and what wouldn’t?"

"How can I, when he’s decided that he thinks it’s me?"

Peter folded his arms across his chest. "Could you?" he asked. "Forget all the crap. All the things that you think make a relationship with him impossible. Could you make him happy?"

"... I’d try my hardest," Alex answered softly, wishing with all his heart that it could be so.

"Well, why don’t you just give it a shot, Alex? See what happens. If it doesn’t work out, you can at least say you tried. But if it does... think about that. You and Mulder. Happy... together..."

"How?" Alex whispered sadly.

"Love’ll find a way," Peter offered, smiling at the younger man.

"Is that what you’re telling Scully?"

"Dana and I like each other very much," Peter said. "But we haven’t got the history that you and Mulder have. Neither of us has spent the last several years mooning over the other."

"I don’t moon over him."

"Please. Even when you were fighting with each other, the passion came through loud and clear. Christ, Alex, even my nurse noticed it."

Alex gave his brother a perplexed look.

"Remember Nurse Kendrick? The one I was trying to fix one of you up with? She said to me that the argument that you two were having that day was more like a fight between lovers than between friends."

Alex sighed and said nothing.

"It’s more obvious than you think, kiddo... Call him now. He’s waiting."

Fox dropped his bag then Scully’s onto the back seat of his car then got in. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he checked to see if he had any calls. He shoved it back into his pocket and started the car. Scully said nothing. They weren’t five minutes out of the lot when his phone rang. Quickly fishing it out, he jerked it up to his ear without looking to see who was calling.

"Hello?"

"... Hey."

"Hey," he breathed. "I was starting to think you weren’t going to call."

"Sorry."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I’m... I’m all right. Uh... where are you? Peter said that your suspect was dead and that you were wrapping things up."

"We’ve actually just left Dulles. I’m going to drop Scully off and head home."

"Oh, I didn’t... I can let you go, then."

"No," Fox said quickly. "No, you don’t have to... How are you? You don’t sound good."

"I’m okay. I just..."

"Just what?"

"Nothing. Really... Peter made our reservations today."

"I know. For the first."

Alex closed his eyes. "Mulder, I... I’m sorry about yesterday."

"... Yeah?"

"I didn’t mean to be such a pain. I don’t want to be."

Fox glanced quickly at Scully then back to the road and smiled.

"I understand, Alex. None of this is easy."

"I... I’m going to try harder."

"Harder to fight me off?" He knew that wasn’t what Alex meant.

"No, just... I’m going to try harder to be positive. I know that beating myself up isn’t doing anything good for you. That’s not what I want."

"It’s gotta be good for both of us, Alex, or it’s pointless," Fox said gently. "I can’t be happy if you’re not."

"I want to be," Alex whispered, his tone laced with pain. "Even if..."

"Even if what?"

"Nothing."

Fox told himself not to push.

"You can be happy, Alex. If you refuse to let anything else stand in the way, you can be."

Alex remained quiet.

"... You there?"

"Yeah. Yeah, uh... I... I had another nightmare last night."

"I knew you didn’t sound right. Was it as bad as the others?"

"Yeah. Different, though."

"Different, how?"

"I... Mulder, are you sure you don’t want to wait until you get home to talk? Or wait until tomorrow, even? It’s late there; you just got off a plane..."

"I’m fine," Fox argued softly.

"Scully..."

"She’s sitting here with her eyes closed, happy to not have to talk to me, I’m sure."

"Talk to him, Krycek," Scully called loud enough for the man on the other end to hear. "I don’t want to have to watch him brood all the way to my apartment."

"See?" Fox said. "Go on."

Alex emitted a shaky sigh. "... In this one, you find Samantha. You get to her in time, and Peter helps you escape. You get as far as the road, and Spender’s men surround you. You uh... you draw your weapon, and one of them takes you off your feet without a shot gun blast. Next thing, Spender’s beside me in the operating room with that sickly smile, and he’s telling me not to worry, he’s found me a heart. Then they wheel you in."

Fox could hear the growing anguish in Alex’s voice.

"You’re alive, just... you’ve got a shoulder wound, and I’m asking again and again what happened, and begging him to have someone take care of you. He... he says that that’s exactly what he’s going to do. Then a man steps forward and points a gun to your... to your... head, and... and I’m screaming. Pleading with him not to do it, but... the man pulls... he pulls the trigger, and... and..."

"Alex," Fox called in his most soothing voice. "Easy. Come on, it’s okay. Breathe. It was just a dream. Take it easy."

Alex struggled for air. "I... I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t stop them."

"I know. I know, Alex, but it was a dream. Okay?"

"I know," Alex breathed. "But it was... they’re all so real. And it isn’t like he’d be above doing anything like that."

"And you’re afraid of something happening to me?"

"... When he finds out that you’re... that we... I wouldn’t put it past him to do something to you just to punish me."

"Nothing’s going to happen," Fox promised sweetly. "But it’s nice to know that you’re worried about me."

Scully rolled her eyes and camouflaged a smirk.

"You okay, now?"

Alex took in a deep breath and let it out. "I’m okay."

"Good. What do you want to do for your birthday?"

Alex sat, drawing designs on his blanket. "I don’t know. Nothing special."

"You want to do something with Scully and Peter?"

Alex thought on the suggestion for a moment.

"W-would you... would you mind if I said I’d like to just spend it with you?"

"Why would I mind that?" Fox asked, taking on a hint of a seductive tone.

"I don’t know. You might have had other plans."

"I didn’t, but even if I did, it’s your birthday, and we’ll do anything you want."

Scully groaned softly. "Oh, God. Drive faster."

Fox sneered at his passenger then turned his attention back to the caller.

"Think about it, okay, and let me know if you’d like to go out somewhere or stay in or what. If you want to go out, I’ll need a couple two or three days to make some plans."

"You don’t have to go to any big trouble," Alex insisted softly.

"You think I’m going to take you to Burger King for your birthday, not to mention our first dinner out together?" He was going to say ‘date’ but decided against it. "Hang on a minute, I gotta put the phone down." He pulled up outside of Scully’s building and jumped out, pulling her bag from the trunk of the car.

"See you tomorrow."

"Yeah," Scully said, taking the bag and heading for the door. "Don’t be on the phone all night; we got work to do tomorrow."

"Yeah, yeah." Fox watched his partner enter the building then slid back behind the wheel and picked up the phone.

"Sorry, I was dropping Scully off."

"I figured."

"So... can I ask a question?"

"’Kay."

"You started to say something earlier then stopped. You said you wanted to be happy, even if... even if what?"

Alex was silent for a moment then answered.

"... Even if I shouldn’t be."

"Well... at least we’re heading in the right direction. Wanting to is half the battle... I’m glad you’re coming out. I don’t think working on the other half would be as easy over the phone."

Alex let out a long, audible breath.

"What is it?"

"I don’t know; I keep... I feel like my brain is split in two pieces. When one is working, the other isn’t, and it switches back and forth so fast, my head feels like it’s going to explode."

"Meaning?" Fox was pretty sure he knew what it meant.

"I want... I want to go. I want to see you and..."

"And what?"

No answer.

"Alex... tell me. What do you want?"

"I want... everything someone like me has no right to want. And just before I start thinking that it might okay, the other part of my brain asks me if I’m out of my mind. And... and I realize what an impossible situation this is, and that the best thing... the very best thing I can do is stay away. Stop calling you. Stop answering when you call me." He stopped, and while there was now silence, it was filled with a thick, pounding need. Fox responded the way he knew Alex needed him to.

"You’ve already admitted that you don’t have the strength to push me away, Alex. But if you do manage it somehow, you know that I’ll be on the first flight out there. And you’ll have to tell me face to face that we’re through."

Alex closed his eyes.

"What if I did?"

"Then I’d have to kiss the truth out of you."

Alex’s cock stirred quickly to life at the statement. It left him startled and longing for much more than the taste of the other man’s mouth.

Fox heard the soft, stuttering sigh, and he lowered his tone.

"Is that what I’ll have to do? I’d be more than happy to, you know."

Another audible breath. "Mulder..."

"Yeah?"

"Jesus, why do you do this to me?"

"Tell me what I’m doing to you."

Alex shook his head, willing himself not to say it.

"Alex..."

Son of a bitch.

"You’re driving me crazy," Alex said quickly, obviously agitated.

"I am?"

"Like you didn’t know."

"If it’s any consolation," Fox murmured, "you’re driving me crazy too."

"What... I’m not teasing you."

Fox could hear the pout.

"Not directly. But I can hear the need in your voice. You want to know what it’s doing to me?"

"God... no. Please don’t," Alex gasped, quietly losing his mind over the thought of Fox sitting in his car with a raging hard-on.

"Why not?"

"I can’t... I can’t take it."

"Are you wishing we were together right now?"

"... Yes."

"Me too. A few weeks might as well be a few years." Fox heaved a long sigh. "I... I’m sorry, Alex. I guess I shouldn’t be..."

Alex waited, confused. Fox explained.

"After our last conversation, I was feeing a little lost. In need of some direction. I wasn’t sure she could hear me, but I started talking to Samantha. I asked for her help. I went to sleep, and when I woke up, there was a one word text message on my phone. It said ‘easy’. I know Scully thinks I’m cracked, but I think Samantha was trying to tell me to go easy on you. I guess I’m not exactly doing that. I promise I’ll try harder not to say anything to upset you."

Alex pressed his lips together and tightened his grip on the phone.

"It only upsets me because I want so much to..." He let his voice trail off, not finishing his sentence.

"So do I," Fox whispered as he took the exit toward Alexandria. "I can’t tell you how much."

Alex pushed himself to the edge of his bed and rocked back and forth, raking his fingers through his hair.

"Mulder."

"Yeah?"

"Oh, God... tell me."

Fox’s breath caught in his throat. "Tell... tell you what?"

"... Tell me."

It was a soft, distressed plea. Shit.

"I’ll uh... I’ll be home in a few minutes. Let me call you when I get there, okay? That’ll give me a little time to get my breath, and you, a chance to change your mind."

Alex didn’t argue.

"I’ll call you back in about fifteen minutes"

"All right."

Fox hung up and he willed his heart to stop pounding. His mind went back to his dinner with Scully the other night, when she looked across the table at him and asked if he and Alex were having phone sex.

Is that where this was heading? Oh, Christ. What if it was? He’d never done anything like that before. How the hell would he even... no. No way. Alex was still way too uptight to even think about anything so... so...

Still. He couldn’t say he’d be against the idea if Alex was up for it. He’d gone to bed with a screaming erection every night since he’d kissed the other man, and while he’d jerked off a couple of times with just his thoughts to spur him on, he really didn’t know how much more he could take.

Some ten minutes later, he arrived at Hegal Place. Pulling his bag from the car, he made his way up to his apartment and entered the dark space. He turned one light on, dropped the bag and quickly changed into a comfortable pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. He dropped onto the sofa, took a few deep breaths and picked up his house phone.

Alex sat quietly, elbows balanced on his knees, head in his hands, asking himself what the hell was doing.

The sudden ring made his heart skip two beats. He reached for the phone and, with a trembling hand, lifted it to his ear. Clearing his throat, he answered.

"... Yeah."

"I’m home."

"Uh huh."

"... Change your mind?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"... Then I changed it back just now, when I heard your voice."

Golden-brown lashes drifted downward, and Fox lay back against the pillow he’d propped against the arm of the couch.

"... Oh."

The silence that followed was filled with soft breathing, then Fox spoke.

"This is... it’s amazing to me. It’s almost impossible to believe or understand, but I can’t deny the way I feel. I want you, Alex, like I’ve never wanted anyone or anything in my life. That’s not to say that I’m going to jump you the second it’s possible to, but I want you to know it’ll be damn hard not to. All I can think about any more is how you tasted that day and what I’d give to taste you again."

Alex’s lower lip quivered.

"I’m dying to touch you," Fox went on, relieved that he was giving voice to what was in his heart, but points south were definitely feeling an increase in tension. "You know the night we fought in your bedroom?"

"Yeah."

Wow, was that as breathless as it sounded?

"... And you had that nightmare later... did you know it was me holding you until you settled down?"

"I don’t... I guess I realized it when I opened my eyes later, and you were there in the room."

"It was strange," Fox said. "But it felt really... right." He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "The smell of your hair... the feel of you against me... it was almost too much to take. I..." Keep going. "I started to get hard. It really unnerved me, and that was when I backed off the bed. I tried to tell myself that it was just a physical reaction and nothing more, but I stood there looking at you, taking in how beautiful you really are, and I... I got harder. Then you woke up and looked at me. And I knew then that things between us had to change."

Alex swiped at the light prickling of sweat that had broken out above his lip. "There was something different about you," he said on a rough whisper. "I remember. Something in your eyes... your voice. I didn’t know what it was, but I felt my... my body responding to it. And when you came closer, I thought that maybe... I guess I don’t know what I thought."

"You sure you don’t know?"

Alex was quiet for a moment then said, "Maybe not so sure. It’s just that... you were there... standing over me. I felt like I was at a serious disadvantage. Like if you’d stayed there looking at me like that much longer, I might have fallen completely apart, and then you’d know." He paused then went on. "I thought you might have known, anyway. I was shocked when you didn’t press your advantage."

Fox shifted position and anchored his fingers in his hair.

"I was going to leave the room. Then you would have been safe. But you wanted me to stay. Why?"

"I’m not sure. I guess I... as scared as I was of that look in your eyes, of... what I might give away, I just wanted to be near you. I..." Alex put one hand over his eyes then let it slide downward until it rested over his mouth for a moment. When he removed it, he finished his sentence. "I want to be near you now... at least most of me does."

"What part of you doesn’t?"

"The part that sees nothing but pain in your future if we take this any further. I don’t want to cause you any more pain, Mulder. Can’t you understand that?"

"I can," Fox answered. "And I appreciate that you care enough to feel that way. But you don’t seem to understand the pain it would cause not to take this any further. That’s a hurt, Alex, I’m not willing to let either one of us endure."

"You shouldn’t worry about me."

"Alex, how can I..." Fox stopped, took a deep breath and started again. "You’re worried about me, right?"

"... Yeah."

"Why?"

"... Because."

"Because. Did you suddenly become seven years old? I want to know why you’re worried about me. Simple question, simple answer."

"Because, dammit, somebody has to be! You’re apparently thinking with something other than your brain, so it’s up to me, isn’t it?"

Okay, that apparently irritated him.

Eeeasyyy...

Fuck. How did we get here? Wasn’t this conversation heading in a much sexier direction just a minute ago? Pull it back, Mulder.

"Okay, Alex, okay. Take it easy."

"You’re such an asshole sometimes!"

"Yes, I am. Just don’t get upset."

"Don’t fucking tell me not to get upset!"

Fox gritted his teeth and took a few deep breaths. "I’m sorry," he said in a soothing tone that sounded just a little forced. "I... I am." The effort disintegrated quickly. "But I’m getting just a little dizzy, being jerked back and forth, up and down. You’re all over the map, Alex, and I can’t keep up. It’s driving me crazy!"

"Then don’t!" Alex’s voice began to crack. He didn’t bother to try to cover it up. "Walk away, Mulder. Take your sanity back. Take your life back."

"Wait a minute, wait, wait." Fox gave himself a hard shake. "We’re getting way off track, here."

"No, we’re finally back on track."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. We have to stop fooling ourselves into thinking that this can be anything other than a huge disaster if we let it go on."

Fox lost his temper, and ‘easy’ went right out the window.

"Fuck disaster, okay, Alex? Fuck this roller coaster ride you’ve got me on, and fuck all this dancing around the big issue. I want you to tell me how you feel."

"How I..." Fox’s explosion set Alex back a bit, and it took him a moment to compose himself. "...W-what do you... how I feel about what?"

"..Me."

Silence was all the other man could manage.

"Say it."

"Mulder, I... I don’t know what you..."

"Say it."

Fox was through playing around, and Alex knew it. The question was, was he going to obey the angry command?

Not right away.

"Mulder," Alex pleaded softly. "I... please..."

"I won’t ask again."

He asked a first time?

Alex had no choice... or it felt that way. A lone tear escaped from his tightly closed lids, and the words trembled past his lips.

"I... I love you."

He’d asked for it. Okay, demanded it. Knew it was coming. Hell, Peter had already told him, and he’d reacted then. Still, to hear the words coming from Alex hit him like an anvil. And in that moment, all the anger left him, and so did his words.

The soft sob on the other end startled him, and he listened to Alex’s attempt to hold himself in check for a moment, then he called to him.

"Alex."

"I gotta... I gotta go."

"No you don’t."

"I do, I... this was a mistake. A huge mistake."

"It wasn’t."

"Yes, it was!"

The anger returned. "Don’t you fucking hang up, Alex, you hear me? Nobody made any goddamn mistake. I don’t know what you think was going to happen, but just..." Fox let out a hard breath. "Take a minute, okay? Take a minute to realize that the world didn’t end because you told me the truth. My apartment didn’t blow up; there aren’t two hit men at my door, waiting to put a bullet in my head..."

"That’s not funny," Alex croaked.

"It wasn’t mean to be," Fox whispered back, hearing the pain in Alex’s words. "Why did you hesitate to say it?"

"Because I didn’t want to."

"I don’t think that’s true."

"You would’ve badgered the shit out of me until I told you, so I did."

"I think you wanted to tell me. You’ve probably wanted to for a long time. But it wasn’t until today that you were able to give yourself permission."

"Permission."

"Yeah. My insistence provided that for you."

"Don’t try and psychoanalyze me. It wasn’t something you should know. It wasn’t something you should ever know."

"But it’s true."

"Doesn’t mean you should know it. Contrary to what you may believe, some truths should stay buried."

"Why?"

"Because. It... it was mine. Mine alone. It should have stayed inside, where no one could ruin it... no one could hurt you because of it. Where it would never be questioned or dissected. It would just... be."

"What about if it was held close? Treasured? Wouldn’t that be a good reason to share it?"

"Nothing can come of it."

"How do you mean?"

Alex didn’t answer.

"Is it because you think I can’t love you back?" He couldn’t visually confirm it, but Fox was sure he felt the waves of anguish radiating from Alex, through the phone. "What makes you think I can’t?"

Another low, muffled sob.

"Alex, I... I’m going to be perfectly honest, okay? I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what it feels like, exactly. I do know that I have a very definite physical reaction to you... You’re on my mind constantly; my heart aches when you’re hurting. I... want to sit across from you in a restaurant and pick at the food in your plate. I want to walk with you and hold your hand. I want to fight with you over what to watch on TV and lie in bed with you on a Saturday morning, listening to the rain, and a million other things. Maybe all those things, for me, mean love. I don’t know. I think I’ll know for sure when I see you.

"Why should seeing you this time be different from any other time?" Fox asked, giving voice to the question he knew Alex wouldn’t pose. "Because until I kissed you, all these things were just scattered bits and pieces that I wouldn’t really allow myself to put together. Now that I have, I feel like the only missing piece is you."

Alex choked back a fresh surge of tears. Now what the hell was he going to do? Mulder was all but promising him his love. The mere possibility of it was staggering.

"... Alex? ... Please say something."

"I don’t..." Alex rubbed the back of his hand across one cheek then the other. "I don’t know what else to say to you."

"Do you want to hang up now?"

"... No. I... I don’t... Jesus."

"You don’t have any questions about what I just told you?"

"I don’t know."

"Are you surprised? Astounded? ... Did it shock ten years off of your life?"

"... You’re getting warmer," Alex murmured. "Are you..."

"... Am I what?"

"Are you sure you’re not just under Samantha’s influence?"

"I’ve asked myself that same question," Fox confessed. "I’ve wondered if I hadn’t started thinking this way only because she suggested it."

"That’s probably all it is," Alex said, trying hard to keep the sadness out of his voice.

"That’s not what it is," Fox promised him.

"How do you know?"

"I know," Fox insisted. "It’s not Samantha, Alex. It’s you. It’s... it’s me... okay?"

Alex asked another question. "And what happens when I get there, and you see me, and you don’t feel like you thought you might?"

He hadn’t thought of that.

"It could happen. Anything is possible. But it wouldn’t mean that I’d never fall in love with you. It would only mean that I wasn’t there quite yet."

"Or it may mean that you’ll never get there."

"It may mean that. But I don’t think so."

Alex said nothing.

"Alex? Can you put everything aside for a minute? All those bad things that keep rattling around your head. Imagine we’re living in a perfect world, and tell me what you want from me."

"... I can’t."

"Why?"

"I don’t know. I just... I... I can’t."

"Yes you can. Close your eyes."

"Mulder..."

"Come on. Please?"

"Alex? They closed?"

Soft sigh. "Yeah."

"Okay. Listen. Nothing bad ever happened between us. Smoky isn’t your father. You were never sick. We met under very normal circumstances, and we’ve been seeing each other for a long time. You’ve fallen in love with me, and you’re thinking about where to go from here. What do you want to happen now?"

"I want... I want to tell you. N-not just that I love you. I want to tell you how much. You have no idea how much. And I want you to... to believe. Without a doubt or question that it’s true. And I want..." his tone changed, "... too much. I want too much." He went silent.

"No," Fox said quickly. "Don’t say that. Tell me what you want."

Alex took a deep breath and rattled on.

"I want you to feel the same way. I want to hear it in your voice and see it in your eyes when you tell me that you love me just as much as I love you. I want... I w-want you tell me that it’s always been me. That it’ll always be me. And we’ll always be together. That’s what I would want... in a perfect world."

"Alex... how did it happen? How did you fall in love with me?"

"I don’t know how it happened. It just did. But I... remember when I first realized it. It hit hard, and it hit fast, and I wanted nothing more than to put my gun in my mouth that night."

"Why?" Fox gasped.

"I was caught up in an absolutely hopeless situation. In love with the one person I would never be able to have. Could never deserve. Then I started thinking. What better punishment for the things I’d done? The worst physical torture I’d been through for all those years didn’t compare to the hell of that realization. The only thing that kept me going was the need to keep you safe." He uttered a short, breathy laugh. "I’m not even good for that any more."

"You’re not a hundred percent right now, but you’ll be back to yourself soon. And, even though I’m a big boy and can take care of myself, I like that you want to protect me. You think maybe this is why you’re having some of those dreams?"

"... Partly... maybe. I feel so... useless. I can’t drive; I can’t keep an eye on that old bastard... I don’t know what he might be up to."

"What makes you think he’s up to anything?"

"He’s always up to something."

"And you really think he’ll try and do something to me just to hurt you?"

"If... when... he finds out? Yeah. I don’t think you really understand the tremendous amount of pleasure he takes in screwing with the lives of his... I can’t even call us his children. It makes it sound as if he’s an actual father."

"What do you think all of our mothers actually saw in him?"

"I can’t imagine anyone letting him touch them voluntarily. For all I know, they were all just some consortium-related project."

Fox shuddered. "I wonder how involved my father was. Oh, God, I can’t even think about it."

"Don’t. Don’t torture yourself."

Fox gave himself a hard mental slap.

"... Mulder?"

"Yeah?"

"Y-you didn’t seem especially surprised when I... w-when I told you... Did you already know?"

Not wanting to give Peter up, Fox told him a small lie.

"I had some suspicion, so I guess it wasn’t a total shock. But it was still amazing to hear. And I do believe you, by the way. Absolutely, and without question. So... when I ask you to say it again, it’s because I like that shiver of pleasure it gives me, not because I don’t believe you."

"... It felt good?"

"Really good."

Maybe it was stupid, but Alex couldn’t help the tiny sliver of happiness he felt. For the first time, probably ever, he was able to make Fox feel good. He’d never thought he could bring the man anything but pain. He said it again. This time with more confidence. More feeling.

"... I love you, Mulder. I’ve loved you for s-so long. I’ve dreamed of being able to say that to you."

A soft smile curved Fox’s mouth. "Reality didn’t exactly live up to the dream, I suppose. I’m sorry for that."

"You didn’t laugh at me. You didn’t ask me if I was out of my mind or tell me to go fuck myself. As worried as I am about the repercussions, I can’t say that at the same time, I don’t feel hopeful. God, I need to be asking myself if I’m out of my mind."

"You need to be asking yourself?"

"I am asking myself," Alex murmured.

"It’s okay. Ask all you want," Fox said. "Just don’t ever take it back."

"I can’t take it back. It’d be a lie if I did. I can’t lie to you any more."

"... ‘Cause you love me?"

"Yeah. ‘Cause I love you. Oh, God," Alex said on a breathy moan. "This is so... insane."

"Welcome to my world," Fox teased.

Alex massaged his temple with his free hand. "It’s where I’ve always wanted to be. Now that I’m there, I’m scared shitless."

"Easier said, I know, but don’t be. Remember what I said the last time we talked?"

"What?"

"About holding you all night."

Alex shuddered.

"I remember."

"Would you not be so scared if I could put my arms around you?"

"I don’t know," Alex whispered. "I’d like to try."

"Before you go to sleep, close your eyes and imagine that I’m there with you. You’re wrapped in my arms, head on my chest... you’re warm and content. No fears, no worries. No dreams to trouble you. You can sleep."

"... There’s only one problem with that," Alex said, shaking off the intoxicating effect of Fox’s words. "You won’t actually be here when I wake up."

"I know," Fox sighed. "But does it help to know that I want to be? I do want to be, Alex. More than I can tell you."

"It helps," Alex said, lightly stroking the phone with his thumb. He shifted his eyes to his clock and moaned softly. "It’s getting pretty late. You need to get to bed."

"I don’t want to. But I guess you’re right. We have a meeting with Skinner in the morning."

"Okay, then you go to sleep."

"Don’t know how easy that’s going to be, but I’ll try."

"Call me tomorrow night?"

"Of course... goodnight, Alex."

"Goodnight."

Alex heard the click, and his eyes closed as he lowered the phone to the mattress. Several seconds passed before he opened his eyes and lifted them upward. He sighed heavily then pressed his lips together. His eyes closed again, and he slid down onto his back then turned onto his side, lying motionless for some time before pulling one of his pillows to his chest and burying his face in it. At the other end of the country, Fox was doing the same thing.

It was going to be a very long night for both of them.