Author’s note: Screw Mulder being red/green color blind. It doesn’t suit my purposes. That’s something I probably should have said a long, long time ago. Alex has got beauteous green eyes, and dammit, Mulder is going to appreciate them!

Chapter IV: Dangerous Territory

By Aries

"Scully."

"It’s me."

"Mulder, what are you doing calling me now? I figured you’d still be asleep."

"I know. I didn’t get to bed much before seven, but I woke up at about ten and couldn’t go back to sleep. You in the office?"

"Yeah. Just making sure we have what we need for the trip tomorrow. So, how was your flight?"

"Uneventful."

"Were you able to sleep on the plane?"

"No."

"Well, you stay home today and rest. Our flight is at eight a.m."

"I know, I remember."

"So... how’d it go?"

"You telling me Peter didn’t call you the second I was out the door last night?"

"I expected him to," Scully answered honestly, "but I’m figuring that Krycek was there, and he didn’t want to talk in front of him. So, how’d the goodbyes go? Please tell me you didn’t leave things up in the air."

"Guess that all depends on your definition of up in the air."

"Mulder... oh, Mulder, please. Tell me you got things settled with him on way or the other."

"... No. I don’t think so."

"God," Scully breathed. "How did you leave it?"

"I think I left him with something to think about."

She was losing patience.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning... I kissed him."

"Y-you what?"

Fox breathed heavily. "I said it out loud, and it still doesn’t seem real."

"My God. What did he do? Did he kiss you back?"

"No."

"Oh, Mulder, I hope you weren’t too disappointed."

"No, I... I know I caught him completely off guard. I’m pretty sure my reaction would have been the same. If he’d pushed me away, then I might have been upset. But he let me, he... he let me."

"And then what?"

"I left... this happened just before."

"Wow... and you just turned around and walked out?"

"Yeah. Well, I told him I’d call. Then I left."

"What... what was his reaction? What did he do?"

"He just... stood there with this... look on his face."

"What look? Describe it."

"I guess the best way to describe it would be to use that deer caught in the headlights terminology."

"Shocked the hell out of him, huh?"

"And myself. It wasn’t something I’d planned to do."

"So, what made you do it?"

"I don’t know... desperation, I guess? I was leaving with nothing. No closure, no hope. No idea at all what would happen from there. I couldn’t go through any more of that, and neither could he."

"Hmm. Well, how do you feel about it?"

"I can only speak for myself, but it... it uh... opened the flood gates, I think."

"How do you mean?"

Fox heaved a long sigh. "I want to do it again."

"Kinda hard. I mean, there’s a definite problem with distance."

"I know," Fox moaned.

"It’s a little early out there... You haven’t talked to him yet, right?"

"No, not yet. I’m sort of afraid to."

"Why?"

"Because... he’s had all night to think about it, you know?"

"And you don’t think he’s lost sleep thinking about how much he wishes there could have been more than just that one kiss?"

Fox chuffed softly. "You weren’t there the past couple of days. The word confusing definitely comes to mind."

"He’s scared, Mulder." She laughed at the absurdity of the statement. "Alex Krycek is scared."

"You’re the third person to tell me that," Fox sighed. "I know it’s true. I also know that it’s up to me to try and calm that fear. I am trying, Scully, but I’m... Christ, I’m scared too, you know?"

Scully’s tone was properly sympathetic. "I know, Mulder. This isn’t your run of the mill situation. There are so many reasons why this should never be. But none of them matter if it’s what you both really want. And I’d bet my last nickel that you do."

"Wanting isn’t enough, Scully. There’s work to be done."

"Yeah, there is. So, get on it."

Fox smiled into the phone. "Thanks, Scully. For understanding."

"Well... I don’t know that I really truly understand. But if there’s a chance in a million for one of us to have someone in our lives... I mean, you know, in a way other than the way we have each other... you gotta go for it. Samantha’s sure that it’s the right thing for you, right?"

"Yeah."

"And she wouldn’t give you a bum steer."

"What are you doing, Scully?"

"What do you mean?"

"You don’t believe that Samantha’s talking to me."

"I believe it," Scully argued. "Maybe not in the same way you do, but... "

"She... won’t be here much longer."

She could hear the pain in his voice.

"What do you mean?"

"She has to move on soon. To the next plane, I guess."

"... And that’ll be it? She won’t be able to visit you any more?"

"No. She wasn’t here in body, and she could only appear for a few minutes at a time, but at least I could see her and talk to her. Soon I won’t even be able to do that."

"I’m sorry, Mulder."

"... Before she goes, she wants to know that Alex and I are going to be okay. She absolutely insists that he’s what I need and vice versa."

"Okay... let’s take Samantha out of this for minute, okay? Do you think he’s what you need?"

"I won’t lie and tell you that I don’t keep thinking that there’s no way he should be. But... every time I’m around him, I think that... yeah. Yeah, he might be. God, I can’t believe it’s come this far."

"You gotta take it the rest of the way, Mulder. You gonna call him today?"

Fox looked at his watch. "In a while. Scully? What if he won’t answer?"

"Then when we’re done in Iowa, you go back out there."

"How long can I keep doing that, though? Sooner or later it’s got to stop."

"You’re talking about a ‘what if’, Mulder. I don’t believe for a second he’s not going to answer the phone or at least return your call this time. I’m willing to bet good money that you shook the hell out of him with that kiss. Hey... want me to do a little spy work for you?"

"Spy... You mean talk to Peter."

"Yeah. I can get a little inside info for you on how he was after you left."

"Thanks, Scully, I appreciate the offer, but I’d rather not do the third party thing. I’ll get it directly from Alex. And if I can’t talk to him, I’ll talk to Peter myself."

"Okay. But you know I’m going to talk to him about this anyway, right?"

"I’m sure."

"Okay, well, why don’t you go see if you can get a few more winks? I’ll talk to you later."

"All right."

Scully hung up and, tapping her nails on Fox’s desk for all of ten seconds, she snatched her cell phone back up and dialed Peter’s number. The phone only rang twice before Peter picked up.

"You must have been reading my mind," the voice on the other end said by way of a greeting.

"Where’s Alex?"

"Asleep. I just checked on him."

"Okay, so, I just got off the phone with Mulder, and I got his story. Now, let’s have the other side of it."

Peter let out a hard breath. "Well then you know that just before he left, he kissed Alex."

"Yep."

"Man, that almost knocked me on my ass... and made me a little bit queasy, but, well... I guess I’ll get used to it."

"Will you have the chance? How was Alex after Mulder left?"

"Wrecked. He stood there for the longest time not moving, not talking... just processing what happened, I guess, then he sort of... fell back against the counter. I thought he was going to pass out. I had to help him get his breathing under control, then I sat him down on a chair, and he sat there with his hands in his hair. I was sure he was going to come away with a bunch of strands between his fingers."

"What did you say to him?"

"I told him that the man he wants so much apparently wants him too, and he’d better stop acting like a damn fool and give himself the chance to be happy."

"Think he’ll answer the phone when Mulder calls?"

"If he doesn’t, I’ll hound him day and night for the rest of his days... or at least while he’s still not well enough to kick my ass."

Scully laughed softly. "So, what was he like the rest of the night?"

"He said nothing, ate very little, slept even less. I heard him pacing around the apartment until almost four this morning."

"If you heard him, you can’t have had much sleep either, then."

"More than him. I would wake up for a while, listen to him, then go back to sleep... God, I can’t believe it. I think I hear him moving around."

"I’d better let you go, then. Call me later?"

"You bet. See ya." Peter hung up and listened as Alex’s door opened and the bathroom door closed. He waited for almost half an hour before Alex appeared in the living room, look pretty rough around the edges.

"Jeez, kiddo, you look like hell. What are you doing up?"

Alex spoke for the first time since yesterday morning. His voice was soft and hoarse from hours of disuse.

"Can’t sleep."

"Obviously. But if you’re in bed, at least you’re resting a little."

Alex shook his head and rubbed his forearm as he looked at nothing in particular.

"Alex, I... I gotta ask. Is it the fact that Mulder’s gone that’s got you so freaked out, or is it that kiss he laid on you before he left?"

Alex drew a shaky breath and said nothing.

"Puts a whole new spin on things, doesn’t it? Makes it a hell of a lot harder to push him away?"

Alex turned away as he remembered for only the two hundredth time, the feel of Fox’s mouth on his. He shuddered visibly and closed his eyes.

"Answer that phone when he calls," Peter said simply, his voice rumbling with older brother authority. Then he walked out of the room, leaving Alex alone with his thoughts.

Fox’s eyes opened into bloodshot slits, and he stretched, groaning as he did. He checked the time and saw that it was now one thirty. He rubbed at one eye and winced at the burn it caused.

"Still tired?"

He blinked and sat up. Samantha slowly came into focus. He shook off the last shreds of slumber and looked up at her.

"Little bit."

His sister smiled sweetly. "Great job, yesterday. You shook Alex up good."

"Is that really a good thing?"

"It’s what he needed." Samantha smirked. "It’s what you needed too."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Aren’t your feelings for him just a little bit clearer today? A little more real?"

Fox lowered his gaze. "Yeah, I... I guess."

"Imagine kissing him like that all the time. Holding hands. Cuddling together in front of the TV. I won’t embarrass you with the more uh... personal stuff, but... think about it. Not that you haven’t already. Doesn’t it feel right?"

Fox lowered his head and nodded slowly.

"Go get him, Fox. He’s yours if you want him. Probably not without a bit more of a struggle, but you can handle it. Just remember that nothing worth having comes easily."

"... I know."

"I think you finally do... Fox, I’m going to be leaving. I won’t be back again."

Fox’s head snapped up, and he leapt to his feet.

"No."

"We talked about this, Fox. I have to go now. If I don’t, I’ll be confined to this plane always."

Fox’s eyes filled with tears. "That’s not so bad, is it? I’m here. Alex and Peter... "

"But none of you will be here forever." Samantha gave him a soft smile. "Mom’s waiting for me... and Dad. He may not have been my real dad, but he did love me. In spite of his shortcomings and mistakes, he loved me more than that terrible man who fathered Alex and Peter and me.

"I miss them. I’d like to be with them. And in time, you’ll come and join us. But not for a long while, yet. Not before you have a long, happy life. Please, Fox. For me... be happy. Pick up the phone. Call Alex. Call him and start your new life right now."

Fox took a deep, shuddering breath and swiped at his eyes with the backs of his hands.

"I said I’d call him, and I will. Any uh... any last helpful hints?"

"Just remember to be patient with him, okay?" Samantha thought for a moment. "Be gentle. I’m talking emotionally as well as physically. He’s had so little gentleness in his life. He might not know how to handle it at first, and it’ll probably be tough going for a while. I can’t stress enough the importance of patience."

Fox nodded. "I’ll try."

"Try hard, Fox. Try hard and succeed." Samantha looked backward, over her shoulder. "I have to go now."

The tears returned. "... I’ll miss you, Samantha. I’m... I’m sorry I couldn’t find you."

"If you’d found me, you and Alex never would have found each other." She smiled. "You see? Everything happens for a reason. Take good care of each other, okay?"

Fox blinked to try and clear his vision. Samantha’s image was beginning to fade.

"I love you. And I’m so proud of you. Always remember that."

"I love you too," Fox whispered. "Say hi to Mom and Dad."

She was gone. And the loneliness that followed shrouded Fox in pain like he’d never felt. He stumbled to the sofa and fell over sideways, clutching his arms around his middle. He must have lain there for hours, alternately crying and then going nearly catatonic, because by the time he’d made himself sit up, the room was almost dark. And his thoughts went to Alex.

It was mid afternoon there, and Alex must be wondering if he’d changed his mind...

He gave himself a mental shake, took a deep, painful breath and picked up his phone.

Peter sat on the balcony, scrolling through the information in his PDA, and he called to Alex through the open door.

"What time did you say your appointment was?"

Alex sat on the sofa, flipping blindly through channel after channel.

"... Two o’clock on Thursday."

"Why the hell does this say eleven?" He turned around. "Are you sure?"

Careless shrug.

Peter studied the younger man then looked at his watch.

As soon as he’d completed the thought, the phone rang. Alex jumped up at the sound, and he took an audible breath. He looked up at Peter, who had moved inside the room.

"Come, on, kiddo. Pick it up."

Alex ran his fingers through his hair and then reached for the phone. He checked the caller ID and pulled it to his ear with a trembling hand.

"... Hello."

"... Alex."

Alex frowned at the tone in Fox’s voice. "Mulder?" he called softly. "What... you sound funny."

"Yeah. Yeah, I..." He’d tried to pull himself together before calling... thought he’d done an adequate job until he heard the soft, shaky voice on the other end of the phone. "I’m sorry... " And then he stopped talking. Alex immediately took the brief statement in the worst possible way.

"Yeah. Well. No big deal."

"... What?"

"No need to be sorry. Stuff happens sometimes that we wish hadn’t."

Then Fox got it.

"No. N-no, you don’t... what I meant was, I’m sorry that I hadn’t called earlier, I... Samantha’s gone."

It was Alex’s turn to be perplexed.

"Gone?"

Fox paused, swallowing hard. "Yeah, uh... " Dammit, the tears were starting again. How the hell could he have any left? "... Sh-she could only stay for a while, then she... then she had to m-move on. I won’t... won’t s-see her again."

Jesus, he was crying. "I... I’m sorry," Alex said weakly. "I don’t know what to say." He waited while Fox struggled to breathe normally. A couple of minutes passed, and finally, the other man spoke.

"I’m sorry, I... I hadn’t intended to say anything about it. I don’t know, it... it just came out."

Alex got to his feet and started to pace slowly.

"Uh... do you want to talk about it?"

Peter, who had until now been standing in the doorway, moved quietly out of the room.

"I really didn’t mean for you to know about this. Not now, anyway," Fox breathed. "It’s not why I called."

Alex remained silent while Fox regained some semblance of control.

"I just... I hoped we could talk."

"Okay. But... if you’re not up to it now, we can... y’know, maybe uh... talk another time."

Fox took a long, steadying breath. "No," he said. "No, we’ve wasted too much time already... I want to ask you a question."

"... All right."

"Have you thought about... yesterday?"

Alex closed his eyes and waited a beat before answering.

"Yeah."

"I know you were shocked... so was I. I want you to know that I hadn’t planned to... to do that. It just sort of happened."

Alex lowered his head. "Yeah," he murmured. "Yeah, I figured that."

"It doesn’t mean that I want to take it back," Fox explained. "I just wanted you to know that I had no ulterior motives."

"... Okay."

"I couldn’t sleep... on the plane or at home. I kept thinking about it. How it felt."

Alex’s respiration deepened as Fox crept into dangerous territory.

"I’ve never... kissed... another man before. And even if I had, I don’t think the experience would have been anywhere near the same."

What was he saying? What the hell was he saying?

"I want... I want to kiss you again, Alex."

That’s what he was saying. Flat out. No room for misinterpretation there. Oh, God.

Alex walked on quaking legs to the sofa and dropped onto it.

"Mulder, you... you’re tired. You’re upset about Samantha, and... "

"And I’m lonely," Fox finished. "But that doesn’t mean that I don’t know what I’m saying. I know. For the first time in a very long time... maybe ever... I know what I want."

Alex rested his head in one hand and tried to catch his breath.

"... I want you."

"You... you can’t... you don’t... "

"Don’t tell me I don’t mean it," Fox said softly. "This isn’t just some knee-jerk reaction to an impetuous act. I know it may seem like that to you... God knows I haven’t given you much reason to think otherwise, but I’m serious, Alex. I’m finally ready to admit to what I’ve been dancing all around for some time now."

"I know what you’re feeling... the fears you have. I don’t expect more from you that you’d be comfortably able to give. All I want is a chance. Please, just give it a chance, Alex."

Fox Mulder was begging him, Alex Krycek, for a chance to build a relationship.

"Alex?"

"... I’m here."

"Please don’t say no. There’s something here. Something I never in a million years could have imagined. Give us the opportunity to see where it’ll take us."

Alex had been terrified of this phone call. Terrified that Fox was going to tell him that it was a mistake. That some temporary insanity had taken hold of him for that split second yesterday, and now it was over. But that wasn’t what was happening at all. The voice on the other end was telling him things he’d only ever imagined would be said.

"Mulder, I... You need some sleep. You need to grieve. You’ve lost your sister for the second time within just a few weeks. You’re not thinking straight."

Fox listened, shaking his head slowly.

"Get some rest. Go to Iowa. Handle your case, and then take some time to get your head screwed on straight..."

"How did you feel yesterday?" Fox broke in. "When I kissed you? Aside from having ten years shocked off your life, how did it make you feel?"

"Mulder, don’t do this."

"Answer me."

"I can’t."

"Why not?"

"Because I... I-I can’t. I just can’t."

"Because you feel like once you’ve admitted it, there’s no turning back? Because of the terrible hurt you think it’ll inevitably cause me... and you? We’re already in hell, Alex. What if we don’t have to be? What if I’m your way out? And you’re mine?"

"I’ve been the cause of a good part of the hell you’ve been in these past several years," Alex murmured, hopelessness lacing his tone. "There’s a way out for you, but it’s not through me. It’s around me. Far around."

"Common sense would say that that’s true. But there’s no sense here to be had. We need to feel." His voice softened to just barely above a whisper. "Just feel, Alex. Okay? I don’t want you to be noble. I don’t want you to do what you think is right. I want you to do what you feel. Close your eyes."

"... What?"

"Close your eyes. Think about yesterday. Think about how it felt. About how long you lay awake last night recalling it again and again. It was just you. Alone. You weren’t thinking then about how wrong it was to want to be with me, were you?"

Alex clenched his fingers in his hair and rested his head back against the sofa cushion.

"Alex?"

He wished to hell Fox wouldn’t say his name like that.

"No," he croaked. "No, I wasn’t thinking about that."

Fox closed his eyes and leaned over sideways, his upper body making contact with the cushions of his sofa.

"Can we try? We can take it as slow as we need to."

Alex’s lower lip quivered. "We live so far apart."

"I know. And my plate is pretty full for the next several weeks. And you can’t go far for a while yet, right?"

"... Yeah. Jesus... Mulder... "

"Don’t."

Alex bit down on his lip and said nothing more.

"We’ll talk on the phone. It’ll be good," Fox said optimistically. "We’ll get to know each other without any other distractions. Okay?"

He shouldn’t have stayed on the phone so long. He knew he shouldn’t have. Quick and painful was how it should have gone. But that voice... first tortured and grief stricken. Then soft and persuasive and... Christ... almost sweet. He couldn’t end the call. Couldn’t bring himself to do what he knew damn well he should have done.

And still, it was painful.

But he’d take it. He had to. It was too late to do anything else but maybe regret it when it all went to hell.

"... Okay."

"Really?"

"Yeah. No harm in talking."

"Good. Wow," Fox breathed. "Okay. So... when’s your next appointment?"

"Thursday afternoon."

"Will you call me afterward to let me know how it went?"

"I will. But umm... I think you should go try and rest now."

"Tired of talking to me?"

Alex closed his eyes and pressed his cheek into the phone.

"... No. I just... I can hear the exhaustion in your voice."

Fox managed a tiny smile.

"You worried about me?"

"Yes, I am."

"That’s nice."

"Go on."

"... Can I call you tomorrow?"

"Aren’t you going to Iowa tomorrow?"

"Yeah. But after I’m done for the day, I’ll be sitting in my motel room with nothing to do."

"... Oh. O-okay. I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow night, then. Have a safe flight."

"All right." Fox smiled into the phone. "Thanks. Talk to you tomorrow." He heard the click signaling Alex’s disconnection, and he set the phone down. He lay in silence for a while, reviewing every word of their conversation, then he turned onto his back and looked up at the ceiling.

"I don’t know if you can hear me, Samantha. I hope you can. Thank you. I think... I think we might have a chance." His eyes fluttered and closed, and soon after, he was asleep.

"I’m sorry, Mulder, there is no way in hell that woman is innocent. If she didn’t commit the murders herself, she employed someone else."

"Just because a woman is dishonest enough to cheat on her husband with another man... "

"Another married man."

"Yeah. It doesn’t mean that she’s a murderer as well."

"It’s a lot more believable than some shadow figure running around doing all this."

"I’ve got files about similar cases, Scully."

"And so?"

"I’m just saying that it isn’t unheard of."

Scully leaned her head back against the seat and rubbed her temples.

"Okay, I’ve got a headache. Can we talk about something else for a while?"

One corner of Fox’s mouth slanted upward. "What can we talk about that’s new? You and Peter hashed all my business out last night."

"Yeah, but he and I are on the outside of it. I want to talk to one of the main participants in this little drama. Get the scoop first hand."

"You’re damn nosy, you know that?"

"Come on, Mulder. I couldn’t get a peep out of you this morning."

"I don’t know what I can tell you that Peter hasn’t," Fox sighed. "Samantha left. It’s killing me, but I have to deal with it. I called Alex. It was a struggle, but I persuaded him to give this a shot."

"Well, thanks for the detailed update, Mulder."

"No problem."

"Well, how about some information from the Krycek camp?"

"Hmm?"

"I talked to Peter."

"Of course you did. But... don’t tell me. Alex and I will talk about it."

"What if he doesn’t want to?"

"Then we won’t."

"Yeah. Then you’ll be coming to me."

"I’d rather hear it from him. Whenever he’s ready."

"Brother. Whatever, Mulder. Whatever."

Fox took the turn into the motel lot and parked.

"You want to change and go find someplace to eat?"

"Uhhh... I... I sorta have plans."

"Plans. We’re in Iowa, Mulder. What plans have you got?"

"I have to make a call."

Scully opened her mouth to ask then realized what a stupid question it would have been.

"Okay, so you’re not going to be on the phone all night, are you?"

"I don’t know. I’d hate to keep you waiting."

"Fine, fine. I’ll eat crappy motel food in the interest of budding romance."

Fox cut his eyes at his partner, and the two got out of the car.

"See you in the morning."

"’Kay. Have a nice uh... talk."

Fox entered his room, removing his tie and jacket as he walked toward the bathroom. A few minutes later, he re-entered the room and flopped down on the bed, phone in his hand. He made the call and waited three rings before someone picked up. A soft, low voice said hello, and the sound vibrated straight through to Fox’s core. "Hey," he said, equally as soft.

"Hey."

"How are you?"

"Okay."

"Am I interrupting anything?"

"No." Alex left Peter in the living room and retreated to his bedroom, closing the door behind him. "We had dinner a little while ago, so... "

Fox nodded as if the other man could see him.

"Uh... how was your flight?"

"Boring. Which, I guess is a good thing, right?"

"Yeah. How about your case?"

"Well... nothing interesting so far. Just talking with the cops... interviewed the suspect. We went to see her husband, but he was less than cooperative. I guess I can understand him not wanting to re-hash over and over again the time he found out than his wife and mother of his kids wasn’t at all who she had seemed."

"Aren’t you going to have to talk to him, though?"

"Yeah. I think I’m going to let Scully try tomorrow. She’s got a lighter touch than I have in situations like that." Fox changed the subject. "So... how was your night?"

"... Long."

"Didn’t you sleep well?"

"Not really. My mind wouldn’t stop working."

"That my fault?"

"... Yeah."

"Sorry. You wanna talk about it?"

"I..." Alex stopped to clear his throat. "Was just thinking about our conversation... mostly."

Concern crept into Fox’s voice. "Having second thoughts?"

"Lots of them," Alex murmured. "None that I can do anything about."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing, I... forget it. Uh... how’re you feeling? You were so upset yesterday."

"Yeah. I... Samantha had come to me a few days ago and told me that she would have to be leaving soon. I didn’t realize. I had no idea that she wouldn’t always be here in her spirit form. When I found out, it was like a knife in my gut, you know? When she visited me for the last time, I just... I felt part of me wither away."

Alex rubbed his hand over his face. "You’ve been through so much pain, Mulder. And I don’t know how it’s ever going to end as long as I’m in the picture. I’ll always be a reminder of all you’ve lost."

Fox answered. "Before she left, she gave me some last minute advice and asked me to please not give up. That it would be so worth whatever we had to go through to be together. I believe her. I know what you said the other day about her not necessarily being right, but... "

"I’m sorry about that," Alex interrupted. "I never should have said it."

"I know why you did," Fox said. "You were just trying to get me going... which, you did. I might have given up that day. But first Peter pleaded with me, then Samantha did. After she told me that she wouldn’t be around much longer, she begged me to be more patient with you, which is why I ended up staying."

"You see, Mulder? You’ve said it yourself. If it wasn’t for Samantha being on you all the time, you wouldn’t have... we wouldn’t be having these kinds of conversations right now."

"I agree with that. But she hasn’t brainwashed me, Alex. She’s my sister. She just looked through all my stubbornness and anger and saw what was in my heart. And then she worked on making me see it for myself before she had to go. She wanted me to be happy. She wanted us to be happy. And she was the only one of the three of us not deluding herself with thoughts that it wasn’t with each other."

"And now you believe it’s true."

"As strongly as I’ve ever believed anything."

"And you don’t think she’s brainwashed you? I’m not saying it wasn’t done out of love and concern, but..."

Fox was about to answer, then he changed his statement to a question.

"You believe she had been visiting me, don’t you?"

"Of course I do."

"You’re the only one, you know. Scully and Peter are just pacifying me; I can tell."

"You may be right about them. But I believe you."

"Thanks. But in answer to your question, no. She has not brainwashed me. She just made me see what was in front of my face all along. It hasn’t been easy to do, Alex, but once I stopped holding on to all the antagonism and resentment, then I was able to hear what my heart was telling me."

Why did he keep mentioning his heart? What the hell was he trying to say? Alex closed his eyes, willing himself to wake up from what just had to be a dream.

"It’ll be okay, Alex. You just have to let go. Stop fighting it. If I can do it, you can."

"Jesus," Alex whispered softly. Then, "Don’t, Mulder. I don’t know exactly what’s going on here, but you can’t... don’t give in."

"Why not?"

"You just can’t, okay? Believe me."

"I want to know why," Fox pressed. "You can’t tell me not to feel all this stuff I’m feeling with no good reason."

"It’s for your own good. Okay?"

"Not, it’s not okay. And it’s not a good reason. Nobody knows what’s good for me but me."

"... And Samantha," Alex said flatly.

Irritation began to seep in. "... Yeah. And Samantha."

Alex went silent. He was quiet for so long, Fox called to him.

"Alex... Alex."

"What?" He sounded tired. And almost sad. The tone brought the gentleness back to Fox’s voice.

"Why shouldn’t I let myself feel what I’m feeling?"

"Because... you’re the strong one. You have to be... I can’t, I... I can’t."

Now his tone was soft. Almost seductive. It lured Alex in.

"Why can’t you? Please tell me."

"... Because... whatever will I had left... whatever tiny shred of resolve... is gone. You ground it into a fine powder with that kiss."

Fox said nothing in response, and Alex went on.

"I still believe this may well be the worst idea in the history of the world, but I... God help me, I can’t fight it. That’s why you have to."

"I don’t want to. I-I won’t." Fox waited for a response. When he got none, he went on, using that tone. The same one that was bound to get them into all sorts of trouble.

"Tell me how you felt, Alex."

"... Felt?"

"The other day. When I kissed you. You never really answered me yesterday when I asked how it made you feel."

Alex swallowed around the lump that had immediately begun to form in his throat.

"Mulder..."

"Please."

Oh God, was that breathless whisper as sexy as it sounded?

"Alex, please."

The younger man squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth against the wave of desire that had just washed over him.

"... I... felt it everywhere. Every muscle, every bone. It burned, it... was freezing. All at once. When you stopped and backed away from me, it was like someone had hollowed out my insides. I don’t know what kept me from dropping to my knees and begging you to stay." He was shaking. Fox could hear it in his voice. "There it is. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Yes. It is," Fox sighed. "Alex? If I had stayed... would you have kissed me back?"

"... Yes."

Amber eyelashes fluttered down over Fox’s eyes, and he arched slightly on the bed as he imagined Alex’s mouth responding passionately to his kiss.

"God," he moaned, "I wish my schedule wasn’t so full."

"Mulder... can’t you see how hard this would be? Everything about it is... wrong."

"It’s not wrong. Just complicated. We’ll figure it out, though... what was that big sigh for?"

"You’re a stubborn bastard," Alex said in a soft, defeated tone.

"It’s one of my more endearing qualities, don’t you think?"

Alex massaged his forehead with a shaking hand.

"So," Fox said. "What’s your favorite color?"

"Huh?"

"I figured we’ve had enough uncomfortable discussion for one night. Let’s move on to a lighter topic."

Alex shook his head.

"Jesus, you’re insane... black."

"That was a stupid question, huh?"

"Little bit." Alex decided to play along. "What’s yours?"

There was a slight pause, then Fox answered.

"Used to be blue. Now it’s green."

The meaning of the statement went over Alex’s head.

"What changed your mind?"

"... Allowing myself the pleasure of really looking into your eyes. They’re beautiful."

That shook Alex up.

"I... I thought we were moving on to a lighter topic."

"Okay. Sorry. But you asked."

"Yeah," Alex breathed. "I asked."

"All right... this isn’t a dangerous question. What is your favorite thing to eat?"

"Actual food? Dessert?"

"Both."

"Spaghetti. And those orange Hostess cupcakes, you know the ones I’m talking about?"

"Yeah, I know. Wow, you’re a cheap date. Good to know."

Alex ignored the comment. "What about you?"

"Surf and turf. Filet mignon and baked stuffed shrimp. As far as dessert goes, I guess anything with lots of chocolate. When’s your birthday?"

"April ninth."

"What year?"

"Sixty-nine... I know your birthday."

"Yeah? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. What else do you know about me?"

"Lot of stuff. Where you were born, where you were raised, went to school. The year you graduated from the academy, when you joined the Bureau... "

"You know the name of my first pet?"

"Oscar."

"Are you serious?"

"Heard you telling Scully once, during... surveillance. It was a brown mouse. Your mother made you keep it in the garage because she didn’t want a filthy rat in her house. You begged her to bring him in when the weather started getting cold, but she refused. He died just after Thanksgiving."

"That’s just a little creepy, Alex."

The other man said nothing.

"Did you have any pets?"

"None."

"Not even fish?"

"Not even fish."

"Hmm. Tell me you don’t know the name of my first girlfriend."

"No, I don’t."

"Well, it was Amy. We were seven. Calvin Reese, the class bully was bothering her one day after school, and I made him stop."

"Why was he bothering her?"

"She got new glasses, and they were a little nerdy. Okay, they were a lot nerdy."

"How’d you make him stop teasing her?"

"It had rained the day before, and there were a few puddles around the schoolyard. I told him to stop but he wouldn’t. So, I shoved him backward, and he landed in one of the puddles. All the other kids started laughing at him, saying that he had peed his pants. He went home crying, and he never bothered Amy again. After that, she’d bring me cookies and draw little cards with flowers and stick figures holding hands... I think we were engaged."

The story made Alex smile.

"I’ll bet you had a lot of little girlfriends."

"A couple. You had a ton, didn’t you?"

"What makes you say that?"

"You were a cute kid. Once you hit your teens, I’ll bet you had to fight them off with a whip and a chair." He had a thought. "Alex, did you... were there any... boys?"

"No."

"You never had any interest in them?"

"I... I wouldn’t say that. There were some that I was attracted to, but I never acted on it. And once I hit my early twenties, there was no time for girls or boys. Dear old Dad kept me busy every minute of every day."

"S-so you’ve never... "

"Not until my twenty-ninth birthday. I had finished ‘training’, and I wasn’t under such strict supervision. There were a few women after that... very few... no men."

"So, we’re back to you never... "

"Have you?"

How the hell did they get on this conversation?

"While I was at Oxford... in my second year, there was this one guy from Manchester. I noticed that he was always watching me. It took some time, but he finally got up the nerve to talk to me. We became friendly, and then one day he invited me out for a drink. We didn’t get drunk, but we’d had enough to loosen us up, I guess. We went back to my room and started kissing and touching each other. We ended up jerking each other off, and after we came to our senses, the guilt started. We could hardly look at each other. He pulled his pants back up and left, and I never did anything like that again.

"So," Fox concluded, "neither of us, really, has ever been with a man."

"... Guess not."

Fox started to say something then stopped.

Something told Alex he shouldn’t ask.

"What were you going to say?"

"I don’t think you don’t want to know."

"What was it?"

Fox took a slow breath and let it out.

"No. I... Trust me, you don’t want to hear it right now. So... is there anything about me that you don’t know, that you’d like to know?"

"I... I don’t know."

"Can’t think of anything? You don’t want to know how I take my coffee? What kind of movies I like? Two percent or whole milk? Boxers or briefs?"

"I think I know the answers to those questions."

"Surveillance?"

"Yeah."

"Ah... wait. You know what kind of underwear I wear? Well, you have me at a disadvantage then, don’t you?"

Alex sighed. "Same kind you wear."

"Yeah? Same brand and everything?"

"I don’t know," Alex said, clearly flustered.

"Do you wear different colors, or all one color?"

"All black."

"Well, that’s kind of boring."

"Forgive me."

"Jeez, Alex, I don’t know if this is going to work now. All one color underwear?"

Alex couldn’t help the tiny chuckle that escaped him. Fox smiled at the sound.

"Do you ever laugh? I mean, really laugh out loud?"

Alex shifted position, propping himself up higher on his pillows.

"I don’t... I think it’s been a long time. Longer than I can remember."

"You need to laugh, Alex. A good laugh once in a while can do a world of good."

"What about you?" Alex asked. "When’s the last time you had a good laugh?"

"Uhhhhhh... "

"Yeah."

"Maybe we can amuse each other."

"Uh huh."

"I’ll think of some funny stories to tell you tomorrow."

"Can’t wait."

They talked for almost an hour and a half more, then Fox stretched and looked at his watch.

"Wow. I really hate to say it, but I suppose I should try to get some sleep."

"Yeah, it’s what? About ten there?"

"Yeah... I don’t want to hang up."

"Why not?"

"I like talking to you," Fox said. "I like the sound of your voice."

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"... I like yours."

Fox closed his eyes and smiled.

"Call me tomorrow after your appointment."

"I will."

"Promise?"

"Yeah... goodnight, Mulder."

"Goodnight, Alex."