This is for Peja’s ‘I’m Watching You’ challenge
X-Files M/K
Rated NC-17 for explicit m/m sex and language
"I’m watching you."
Busted. And he hadn’t even done anything yet.
"Why would you leave when this is nowhere near settled?"
‘What d’you mean?"
"You know what I mean."
"I haven’t moved. What makes you think..."
"I’m pretty good at reading body language," Mulder said. It wasn’t a boast. Just a simple matter of fact. "Especially yours. You’ve been waiting. You thought I was asleep, and you were getting ready to bolt. I could feel the tension in you."
What was the point in denying it? He was in love with a fucking mind reader.
Alex froze at the thought. Did Mulder know what just went through his head?
If he did, he kept it to himself.
"We have to talk, Alex. I know I said tomorrow, but I don’t think it can wait that long."
Mulder sat up and turned the lamp on, both men’s light sensitive eyes blinking and squinting until they got used to the brightness.
"What, you haven’t taken quite enough from me tonight?" Alex rasped in an attempt to fend off the persistent man.
Mulder raised one eyebrow. "Interesting way to put it," he said mildly, "when it was you who did most of the taking."
"I didn’t start it."
"No, I did," Mulder said, more than willing to take that responsibility. "But even though it happened only a few hours ago, I’ll remind you that when we got into the bedroom, it was you who threw me down and basically attacked me."
Alex turned his head to the side.
"Wanna see my shirt?" Mulder asked. "Or what’s left of it? That ought to jar your memory." His fingers went up to his swollen, tender lips. "Look what you did to my mouth."
"I remember what happened," Alex said, his voice somewhere between a whisper and a groan. So did his cock. The recollection hardened it alarmingly fast.
They’d stepped over the threshold to Mulder’s bedroom, the older man feeding gently on his mouth, and he’d sobbed for more. When Mulder had done nothing to satisfy his demands, he’d taken what he’d needed.
Fingers tangling in the silky strands of Mulder’s hair, he’d held the other man still for an all out assault on his mouth, sucking and biting, kissing and licking. Mulder had submitted, allowing Alex complete control, and he’d readily seized it. Unable to take the time to unbutton Mulder’s shirt, he’d released the older man’s hair and grabbed his shirt, yanking hard and sending buttons flying everywhere. Then he’d proceeded to tear the fabric away.
Panting heavily, Mulder had succumbed easily to the fierceness. He’d loved this side of Alex. Not that he hadn’t adored all of his facets, but this had been Alex in his purest most honest form, and it had struck an answering chord somewhere deep inside him.
As Alex had torn the remains of Mulder’s shirt away, Mulder had writhed lewdly against him, encouraging the furious response he’d craved. It had come quickly, and it was everything he’d wanted.
Caught up in the frenzy of his own actions, Alex had removed the rest of Mulder’s clothing, almost brutally, and he’d shoved the older man down on the bed before ripping off his own attire. The moment he was naked, Alex had dropped down on top of Mulder, wanting to be everywhere at once, and it had seemed that he was.
Mulder had clawed at Alex’s back, reveling in the barbarous possession of his body, feverishly chanting his lover’s name, and as the other man had shoved his hands under his ass and squeezed, grinding their aching erections together, his mouth had fallen open, and his words had turned into hard, incoherent gasps.
Alex’s mouth. His hands. They’d been everywhere, rubbing and kissing...sucking, consuming all that they’d touched. His hips had moved, thrusting hard and slow, the perspiration-slick bodies of both men providing more than adequate lubrication for the cocks trapped between them.
He hadn’t wanted to stop. He’d wanted to continue, sliding and humping, but through some chink in the wall of lust that had surrounded him, reason had slipped in and whispered to him. That hadn’t been the way he’d wanted to come. He’d needed to be inside the tight heat he’d missed so much. He’d needed it more than he’d needed to go on breathing.
Mulder had gasped, crying Alex’s name as the intense pressure had been removed, and Alex lifted himself away.
"Lube," he’d grated simply, and turbulent green eyes, swirling with blue and gold had stared up at him.
"You know."
Alex had jerked the nightstand drawer open and withdrawn the full tube. He’d squeezed much too hard, and the gel had come out in a large blob. Quickly, he’d slapped it all on then dragged Mulder into position. Grasping his slick cock by the base, he’d worked it into the crevice between his lover’s ass cheeks and unerringly found his mark.
A harsh, sobbing gasp had tumbled past Mulder’s lips as Alex had taken a shuddering breath and driven forward, burying his cock as deep as it would go. There’d been no time for recovery. No time to express pleasure or pain. All he’d been able to do was hold on and ride out the violence.
Snarling into Mulder’s throat, Alex had held him in a vice-grip and fucked him for all he was worth, and when he’d accidentally hit Mulder’s prostate, the older man’s fingers had dug deeper into his back and he’d cried Alex’s name. It had snapped him back just enough to realize that his pending orgasm wouldn’t have been complete if he hadn’t heard Mulder’s own cries joining with his.
Way past the ability to slow things down, he’d thrust a hand between them and begun to work Mulder’s cock as his mouth had clamped down on the other’s, drinking in his increasingly frantic sobs. Mulder had begun to thrash and buck as he’d felt the inevitable conclusion crashing down on him, then his body had gone tense, and he’d come, screaming against Alex’s mouth as Alex had also hit his own howling peak.
He’d pumped an endless stream it seemed, into Mulder’s ass, and when he’d finally finished, he’d collapsed, lying motionless on top of the other man. Sometime later, he’d ended up beside Mulder, watching as the other man had slept...or so he’d thought.
And then the shit had settled back in. All the guilt and self-loathing. All the voices that had screamed at him, telling him that under no circumstances had he been good enough, worthy enough to touch this man, let alone be loved by him. And just as Mulder had suspected, he had been preparing to run away...
"So, since we’re both awake, and you weren’t going anywhere..."
Alex closed his eyes and heaved a long sigh.
"Tell me why you’ve been trying to sabotage our relationship."
Alex opened his eyes but did not look at Mulder.
"Because I’m trying to save you from yourself. Because I’m not, nor will I ever be the man you seem to think I am in that sick, delusional world of yours."
"I don’t need any rescuing, thank you. I’m a big boy, who can take care of himself. And I’ve never once imagined you to be anyone other than who you are. You’re the one who seems to think I want you to be someone you’re not."
"You name me one person...one sane person who would say they’re in love with someone who’d done all the things to them that I’ve done to you."
"Sane is the operative word there, Alex," Mulder reminded him, smirking. "I’m nuts. Everybody knows that."
"Well, it’s time to get a little sense."
"And kick you the hell out of here? Dust my hands off, wipe you from my mind?" Mulder moved in closer, his whisper raising a noticeable shudder from the other man. "...From my heart?"
"Fox, don’t."
"Why?"
"Can’t...I can’t think when you do that."
Mulder backed away.
"Sorry."
The fuck he was.
"You...I..." Alex stopped, unable to find the words. Then finally, impotently... "I’m no fucking good for you, all right?"
"Hell of an argument, Alex. That it?"
"No, I..." Alex looked up at Mulder, eyes brimming with genuine sorrow. "How do you know I won’t hurt you again? I don’t know that I won’t."
"If you did...would it be intentional?"
"No," Alex breathed. "No, I..."
"You what?"
"Couldn’t."
Mulder shrugged. "Okay. So, where’s the problem?"
"Where’s the...Fox, I’m a fuckup! I’ve been a fuckup from the word go! It’s all I know how to be," he finished on a soft sigh.
"That’s not true," Mulder replied, grazing Alex’s jaw with his knuckles. "We’ve been together how long now? Several months, right? Have you fucked anything up? Well...besides this?"
Alex’s jaw tightened, and he lowered his head.
"Kidding," Mulder said by way of apology. "If you’re such an incurable fuckup, don’t you think that in all that time you would have?"
Alex said nothing.
"So, you figure if you end this, or rather, get me to end it, it’ll save you from fucking up?"
"I don’t..." Alex shrugged. "You’re an amazing, brilliant, beautiful man, Fox. A man anyone could walk beside and hold their head up proudly. And what am I? I’m no match for you. None at all."
Mulder looked at Alex as if he’d completely lost his mind.
"No match for me? Alex, we’re a perfect match. A perfect fit."
"The sex is good. That’s all."
"The sex is fucking fantastic, is what the sex is. And that’s not all. You talk to me, Alex. Like I’m a normal person. You know how many people actually do that? Not many. There are even less who won’t laugh at me or run screaming into traffic when I get off on one of my alien or government conspiracy tears. We like the same music, the same TV shows...you laugh at my dry jokes, make me eat right and..."
Alex listened quietly.
"You’re the only one I’ve ever told about the merciless beatings my father gave me...the only one who knows about the nightmares." Mulder’s voice dropped an octave. "The only one who can comfort me.
"I told you that I was a little scared of this. It’s true. I am. But Alex, I’m much more scared of being without you. I’ve done it the last several weeks, and I’ve hated every minute. I can’t do it any more. I won’t.
"You’re not your idea of the perfect man for me. But you’re mine. Doesn’t that count for something?"
"It scares me to know you think that," Alex admitted softly, eyes shut tightly.
"You don’t have to be afraid," Mulder promised. "I love you, Alex. You hear me?"
"Yes," Alex said, the word coming out in a pained hiss. "And that scares the shit out of me too. You know how easily love can turn to hate."
"I know. But nothing could happen now to make me hate you."
"You don’t know. You don’t know."
Mulder cupped Alex’s cheek, coaxing the younger man to look at him.
"I do know. My heart belongs to you, Alex. I could never stop loving you. Any more than you could stop loving me."
Alex’s brow creased. "I never said that I..." His words trailed off, and he tried to look away, but Mulder wouldn’t let him.
"No. You haven’t." He stroked the other man’s cheek. "Why don’t you tell me now?"
Alex blinked, averting his eyes.
"Say it. It won’t hurt, I promise."
Alex stalled a while longer until Mulder gently forced him to meet his eyes.
"Look at me," the older man whispered. Then he waited.
Alex’s eyes glazed over, and the moisture spilled forth. Tenderly, Mulder swept the tears away, and still he waited.
Alex’s mouth opened, and he attempted to form the first word, but it fell flat.
Mulder kept waiting.
"I love...you," Alex finally choked, the barely audible words trembling from his lips.
Mulder gave him a sweet smile and rewarded him with a lingering kiss, and the next time Alex said it, his voice was a tiny bit stronger.
"I...love you....Jesus, I love you, I..." He began to sob, the words tumbling out desperately, and Mulder gathered him into his arms, holding him tightly.
"...love you, I love y-you..."
He cried copious tears, clinging to Mulder like he’d never let go, and the older man held him, stroking him and murmuring soft words of comfort. When Alex finally quieted, he lifted reddened eyes to Mulder’s, searching the older man’s face.
"I’ve never s-said that to any...one."
Mulder brushed away a stray tear. "No one?"
Alex shook his head and lowered it.
"Relatives? Parents?"
"No one at all."
"How does it feel?"
"...Terrifying."
"You don’t need to be afraid."
"But I am."
"Why?"
"Because...it’s not m...this is so...it isn’t the way my life’s ever been. Ever. From the time I was a boy. There was never any happiness or smiling or fun. No love. It was nothing more than an existence. And the older I got, and the more shit I got into, the harder my heart became, and..."
Mulder stopped him there.
"No. The louder it cried for someone to love you." He tipped Alex’s head up and laid a tender kiss on his lips. "Now someone does."
"The only someone in the world who does," Alex whispered, then his tone flattened. "The last someone in the world who should."
"Well," Mulder said, a small grin twitching at one corner of his mouth. "I was never one to do what I should."
Alex looked up at Mulder, his heart in his eyes.
"I’ve loved you for so long."
The grin turned into a full smile. "Even before we started seeing each other?"
Alex nodded.
"Wow. Would you tell me about it sometime?"
Slight hesitation then another nod.
"I think we got a whole lot more to talk about, huh?" Mulder sighed, still smiling. He looked at the clock then back down at Alex. "Later, though. We got a couple of hours ‘til morning. What d’you say we try and go back to sleep?" A sly grin lit his face. "Unless you wanna do something else."
"Would you be upset if I told you that I’m too exhausted to even think about it?" Alex asked, stroking Mulder’s chest. "I’m not used to such big releases of emotion."
"They’re draining, aren’t they?" Mulder asked. "But healing. Okay, then. Let’s sleep."
The two men settled down, finding a comfortable position together.
"And when we wake up, guess what we’re gonna do?"
Alex smiled into the hollow of his lover’s throat. "What?"
"Go out for breakfast."
END
