"...I think it went very well, but I'm so glad it's over. Thank you for studying with me, Master; it really helped! Please don't tell Master We'Lon I said this, but you're a better philosophy instructor than he is." Obi-Wan smiled genuinely at his master and paused to take a drink.
Qui-Gon smiled back. His padawan was in an unusually talkative mood tonight. It had been a busy day of classes for the fifteen-year-old, and he was brimming with information for Qui-Gon as they shared their evening meal. It was the kind of conversation Qui-Gon cherished, even when his padawan wasn't flattering him, which, despite himself, he usually found amusing.
"Master We'Lon is an excellent teacher, Obi-Wan. You've simply become used to my style of instruction."
"Maybe. It just makes more sense when I discuss it with you, though. You help me understand the practical application. You help me see why it's important."
"Well, thank you, I'm glad. But you know, it is good to have a variety of teachers with different techniques. It challenges you. Makes you adaptable."
"I know. Oh! I wanted to tell you. The best thing today was 'saber class."
"Why am I not surprised."
Obi-Wan grinned at the comment. "A Knight came as guest instructor today, and she was amazing. She just took us through some simple exercises, but Master, it was remarkable. Somehow she got everyone very focused, and we were moving perfectly. We've all done those katas together hundreds of times, but today it seemed so different. She had us center internally, deep into ourselves, but instead of narrowing our focus it seemed to expand it. It was as though we all moved as one body. She called it 'The Many Are One.'" He straightened with surprise as Qui-Gon murmured the name in unison with him.
Obi-Wan smiled in delight. "You know it? None of us had ever done it before. I thought it was very interesting to reach inside for the Force, and yet to feel so strongly connected to everyone around me. I don't understand how it worked, but I loved it."
Qui-Gon had a curious look on his face. "I like that exercise as well. I used to teach it. Obi-Wan, who was your guest instructor?"
"Her name is Jillia diRano, and she's wonderful. She's going to be with us for two weeks."
"Really," Qui-Gon said slowly.
"Do you know her?" asked Obi-Wan.
"I used to."
"Oh! I'll tell her you're my Master! No, better yet, you should come to class tomorrow and watch. That would be fun, I think."
Qui-Gon hesitated, then suddenly gave a little laugh. "You know, I think I'd like that. Maybe I will."
Obi-Wan grinned and attacked his meal as Qui-Gon took a sip of his drink, reflecting.
Obi-Wan could not believe his good fortune. Jillia diRano had chosen him to spar with her in front of the class, to demonstrate some innovative blocking techniques. He was commanded to be on the offensive, to attack as vigorously and creatively as he could. He was anxious to please, and was fighting his hardest, though her unexpected moves kept him a bit off-kilter. He found himself mildly distracted, too, by the way her dark eyes flashed at him as their 'sabers locked, the way her hair caught the light as she spun. The way her scent mingled with the clean, familiar smell of lightning from their clashing weapons....
He shook his head and renewed his attack. His heart was racing from exertion and excitement, and he focused a part of himself on calming his nerves and his pulse. Jillia grinned at him as he struck from an unusual angle, trying to catch her off guard. She blocked his thrust with expert efficiency, and to his surprise she abandoned her defensive posture and began to attack in return. He leapt back, arms raised, and her blade singed his tunic as it passed. She gave a low laugh and lunged again. He moved without thinking, parrying the thrust with a broad, one-handed swing. To his immense astonishment, her lightsaber flew from her grip and clattered to the floor. How had he managed that? he wondered.
Obi-Wan looked at Jillia, his brows raised in inquiry. But Jillia's eyes were elsewhere.
Turning, the apprentice saw his master standing in the doorway, his arms crossed, his head cocked to the side, a slight smile on his face. Obi-Wan felt a quick flash of pride that Qui-Gon had seen him disarm the Jedi Knight. His master looked pleased.
Jillia took a deep breath and moved to retrieve her 'saber, but Obi-Wan beat her to it. He handed it to her with a smile and a chivalrous little bow. "Thank you, Obi-Wan," she said softly, and she winked at him. "And thanks for the exercise."
Obi-Wan flushed. "You're welcome, Knight diRano. It was my pleasure."
Jillia turned and addressed the class. "That's it for today, my young Jedi," she announced, "Tomorrow, I'll have Padawan Kenobi do the teaching." There was a ripple of laughter from the students and Jillia joined in with a self-deprecating chuckle. She held out her hand to Obi-Wan and met his eyes in the traditional fashion. "Well fought, Padawan Kenobi."
Obi-Wan took her warm, strong hand in his. "Well fought, Knight diRano," he murmured. He looked into her sparkling eyes and wondered if they were dark blue or deep gray. He couldn't decide....
Suddenly self-conscious, Obi-Wan dropped his gaze and released her hand. Jillia accepted two towels from a helpful initiate, and tossed one to him with a grin. Grateful, he wiped his face, which felt rather overheated at the moment.
As students began filing from the room, Qui-Gon stepped from his place in the doorway. Several of the padawans bowed respectfully to the tall Master as they passed, and he nodded and quietly greeted them each.
Obi-Wan watched Qui-Gon approach and was glad that Jillia didn't seem to be in a hurry to leave. He looked forward to re-introducing his two teachers.
But such formality was not needed.
"Hello, Qui-Gon Jinn," Jillia called as he drew near. She stood with her hands on her hips, waiting for him.
"Hello, Jillia diRano," Qui-Gon called back with a smile.
"When did you sneak in to my class? Did you come to learn a thing or two?"
Qui-Gon laughed. "I arrived just in time to see you lose your 'saber. Maybe I could teach you a thing or two."
Jillia smirked. "It's your fault, Qui-Gon. You distracted me."
"Oh. Then I'll lecture you on focus before I teach you technique."
Laughing, Jillia grasped Qui-Gon's hands warmly. "It's so good to see you again," she said.
"And it's good to see you, Jillia." He brought one of her hands to his lips for a quick kiss. Obi-Wan found that interesting.
"Force, where are my manners? Qui-Gon, this is Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan, Master Qui-Gon Jinn."
Obi-Wan hid a smile as his master gave a slight bow. "A pleasure to meet you, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Obi-Wan bowed in return. "The pleasure is mine, Master Jinn."
"Obi-Wan's my star pupil," said Jillia. "If you saw our duel, then I don't have to tell you what a skilled swordsman he is."
"No, indeed you don't. Very impressive. Though I noted a few lapses in concentration from time to time. Your master should work with you on that, Obi-Wan."
"Yes, sir." Obi-Wan dropped his eyes, and again felt the heat in his cheeks. Suddenly, Jillia's arm was around his waist and she gave him a protective little squeeze. Obi-Wan thought his knees would buckle.
"Be nice, Qui-Gon," Jillia was saying lightly. "You're talking to my student. And to the man who just disarmed me in battle. Besides, I'm the instructor here."
Obi-Wan glanced up and saw his master's mouth tighten. It was impossible to read whether he was amused or annoyed by Jillia's words. Obi-Wan was betting on annoyed. Ordinarily, no knight would dare reprimand a master, even in a joking manner. And she'd done so in front of a padawan. His padawan, though she didn't know it. Yet.
Qui-Gon gave Jillia a measuring look. To Obi-Wan's horror, his master said, "Please don't coddle my apprentice. You'll spoil him."
Obi-Wan felt Jillia's arm tense, then drop away from him. "Your apprentice?" she said slowly.
"My apprentice," said Qui-Gon.
"Well. Don't I look like a fool." She regarded them with a wry half-smile. "You've both been having a little fun at my expense, I see."
"No!" Obi-Wan shook his head in alarm, and Jillia leaned in toward him.
She said with an air of confidentiality, "It's okay. Your master used to enjoy doing that a lot. I think he likes embarrassing me."
Obi-Wan felt uneasy, especially when he sensed a quick wave of anger from Qui-Gon. Not irritation, not annoyance. Anger. But the feeling was gone almost before Obi-Wan took note of it.
"Why don't we reminisce another time, Jillia," Qui-Gon said coolly. "Come along, Padawan. You'll be late for your next class."
"Yes, Master," he said, feeling like a child. He paused, and chanced a brief comment to his instructor. "I enjoyed class today, Knight diRano. You're a wonderful teacher."
"Thank you, Obi-Wan," she said with an easy smile. "And outside of class, feel free to use my given name. I prefer it from my friends."
Obi-Wan found that he very much wanted to speak her name. He swallowed. "I would be honored. Jillia."
Qui-Gon cleared his throat. "Padawan. Your next class. Now."
"Yes, Master." He felt Qui-Gon's large hand descend on his shoulder, guiding him swiftly from the room. Obi-Wan resisted the urge to shrug off his master's grip. Behind them, he heard Jillia give a long, uneven sigh.
"You're quiet tonight, Padawan. Is anything wrong?" Qui-Gon felt downright duplicitous as he asked the question. He knew very well why Obi-Wan was distant and distracted.
"No, Master, nothing is wrong," mumbled Obi-Wan. He gazed with disinterest at his plate of food.
"Padawan."
Obi-Wan was quiet for a long moment. Then, "You made me feel like a child today. It was humiliating."
Qui-Gon calmly regarded his downcast apprentice. "I see," he eventually said.
Obi-Wan looked up and stared. "You see. That's all you're going to say?"
"What would you have me say?"
A rush of replies ran through Obi-Wan's head. That you're sorry! That you didn't mean to embarrass me! That you'll never treat me like that in front of my friend again!
"She's not your friend, Obi-Wan, she's your instructor."
Obi-Wan's mouth dropped open. "Stop reading me!"
"Then put up your shields."
Obi-Wan was nearly speechless with shock. "You... that... that's rude. You're rude to me, and you were rude to Jillia this afternoon!"
"Knight diRano."
"What?"
"You should call her Knight diRano."
"She asked me to call her Jillia! Her friends call her Jillia!"
"And you are her student. Don't be so familiar."
Obi-Wan's frustration was overwhelming him, and to his acute dismay he could feel tears sting his eyes. "I am her friend. She said I'm her friend. And you... when she complimented me, you criticized me. When she defended me, you embarrassed her. When we were talking, you dragged me away like a child!"
"You are a child, Obi-Wan. In many ways."
Obi-Wan's eyes narrowed in anger. He was mortified when a tear fell. "Why are you doing this?" he whispered harshly.
Qui-Gon hardened his heart against the sight of his anguished padawan. He needed to remain calm. "I'm doing this for you, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan shook his head in amazement. "I think you're trying to hurt me."
"I'm trying to keep you from being hurt."
Obi-Wan swallowed painfully. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying I know you have a crush on Jillia diRano. Trust me, it's normal for a student to develop an... affection... for a teacher. Very normal. But recognize it for what it is, Padawan. Don't delude yourself. You'll just make it more painful than it needs to be."
"I'm... I'm not a child," Obi-Wan said with quiet intensity. "And I'm not a fool. And I know she likes me, too."
"Of course she likes you, Obi-Wan. You are a particularly likeable young man."
Obi-Wan impatiently wiped at his eyes. "Please don't coddle me," he grated. "You'll spoil me."
Qui-Gon sighed. "Will you listen to me, please? All I'm saying is this. I know very well that these things can get out of hand, and I want to avoid that. For your sake."
"So you're protecting me. You know what? You are over-reacting."
"Perhaps."
Obi-Wan pushed out his chair and stood. "I'm not hungry, and I'm going to my room."
"You have not been dismissed from the table."
"So punish me. Send me to my room." He stalked away, but turned when he reached his door. He leveled a look at Qui-Gon. "You make me feel stupid," he said in a low voice. Then he pulled the door shut behind him.
Qui-Gon looked at the closed door for some time, deliberating. After a few moments, he began to clear away the dishes.
Several hours later, in his darkened room, Obi-Wan woke up. He had spent a good long time fuming, deliberately leaving his shields down in case Qui-Gon was "listening." When he became tired of his anger, he'd meditated, though not well. And after that, he lay on his bed feeling unbelievably alone. Eventually he'd fallen into a light sleep.
But voices woke him. Qui-Gon's voice. And Jillia's voice. Obi-Wan had not heard the door chime, and instinctively he knew that his master had not needed the signal to know his guest was there.
Obi-Wan was immediately curious, and he had enough residual anger within him that the decision to eavesdrop came easily. In fact, the defiance felt good. Shields up, and he settled onto the floor to listen.
The Master and the Knight stood a few wary paces apart. Qui-Gon's manners got the better of him, and he gestured to a chair. "Please, sit down, Jillia. Can I get you something to drink?"
She sat on the floor. "No. Yes. I'd like a glass of wine, please, if I may."
"You may. I believe I'll join you."
There was silence as Qui-Gon poured the drinks.
Rather wistfully, Obi-Wan thought to himself, "I'd like to drink wine with her."
"Thank you," said Jillia as she accepted the wineglass. She sipped it, savoring. "You have excellent taste, of course."
"Of course," thought Obi-Wan snidely. He was still mad at Qui-Gon.
"Thank you. I'm so glad you like the wine," said Qui-Gon as he sat back in his chair. "And now let's discuss this afternoon."
Jillia raised her eyebrows at him as she took another sip. "Mmm," she said. "No awkward small talk for Master Jinn."
"I'd prefer not."
"All right." She took a deep breath. "Apparently, I'm still in love with you."
Obi-Wan's breath left him in a rush. *Excuse me?!*
"Excuse me?" said Qui-Gon.
"Qui-Gon, don't make me say it again. I'm still recovering from saying it ten years ago."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes, and tried very hard to swallow.
"Jillia... I thought we came to an understanding," said Qui-Gon. "I thought we moved beyond...." His voice trailed away.
"Well, so did I. Imagine my surprise." She gave a bleak smile and took another drink of wine. "Now don't worry," she continued more brightly. "I'll be fine. I've *been* fine. I'm a very different person from the innocent padawan who declared her undying love to you so long ago."
"I know you are," said Qui-Gon, not unkindly. "I can see that. I have watched you, over the years. You are a fine Jedi Knight, Jillia, and a wonderful woman."
She nodded. "Yes. I am."
Yes. You are. thought Obi-Wan.
"So please, no pity, all right? I thought I'd die from your pity ten years ago. Do you know how much courage it took for me to confess my feelings to you the first time?"
Yes, thought Obi-Wan.
"Yes," said Qui-Gon.
"Well, good," said Jillia. "I wasn't completely deluded, you know. Even at nineteen, I understood how... presumptuous... it was to declare my love to my 'saber instructor. Force, half the class had a crush on you, I knew that. But there was a small part of me that thought... maybe... you had feelings for me, too."
"Of course I did. I liked you. Very, very much, in fact."
"That's... very lovely. But I've always wanted to ask you, Qui-Gon. How in all the worlds could it have escaped you that I was falling in love with you? Every time you spoke to me, I melted. Every time you looked in my eyes, I would drown. And don't get me started on what it was like to duel with you. The grace, the rhythm, the power. The energy pulsing between us. We connected so well, didn't we?"
Obi-Wan buried his face in his hands.
"Yes, Jillia. We did."
"And yet, Master Jedi, you remained oblivious to how I felt about you. I find that hard to believe."
Qui-Gon took a sip of wine, then spoke carefully. "This afternoon, you said that I liked to embarrass you. That I enjoyed having fun at your expense. You were implying that I toyed with you. It made me angry."
Oh, thought Obi-Wan.
"I could tell it made you angry," Jillia said with a dry laugh. "You all but dragged poor Obi-Wan out by his braid."
Making poor Obi-Wan look like an idiot, added Obi-Wan.
"Jillia, please understand that I never meant to mislead you. I liked you. For your brilliance and your humor and your extraordinary talent. I respected you as my most promising student. You... you were my favorite. You were my friend."
Jillia bit her lip. Her eyes were very bright.
"I must apologize," continued Qui-Gon, "because I let myself get too close to you. I became too familiar with you. And I realized -- too late -- what I had allowed to happen. I am truly sorry that I hurt you."
Jillia looked closely at her former teacher, allowing herself to search the deep blue eyes that still made her drown inside.
She had to look away. "I'm still in love with you, Qui-Gon." Her voice was calm, but had such an undercurrent of helplessness that Qui-Gon thought his heart would break.
"Oh, my dear," he said tenderly. "Jillia, why?"
Yes, why? wondered Obi-Wan unhappily.
Jillia made a low sound of frustration. "Are you asking me for a list of reasons? Because if you pour me another glass of wine, I'll sit here all night and recite them to you."
"Please, no," whispered Obi-Wan.
"Qui-Gon, when I saw you in class today, it brought everything back. With painful clarity."
"I shouldn't have come," said Qui-Gon.
No, you shouldn't have, agreed Obi-Wan.
"Why did you come?" asked Jillia.
"Because I really wanted to see you. And because Obi-Wan wanted me to."
Jillia smiled. "Obi-Wan. You have a wonderful padawan, you know that?"
"I do know that, yes."
Obi-Wan wondered whether to laugh or cry.
"I've become so fond of him already," said Jillia. "I really enjoy him in class. He's incredibly talented. Warm and gracious. He's rather serious for a fifteen-year-old, don't you think? And quite mature. Promise me something, Qui-Gon. Please don't tell him about..." she gestured vaguely "...this. I believe he would find my 'crush' very childish. I would hate to lose his respect."
Childish? Crying was beginning to seem like the better option to Obi-Wan.
"Actually," said Qui-Gon, "I think his feelings would surprise you."
Obi-Wan's heart pounded in his chest. Oh no, oh no.... no Master, don't tell her....
"My padawan would never belittle you, Jillia, and he would never lose respect for you. Though," his voice turned wry, "he might question your taste in men."
That cut Obi-Wan a little. 'No, Master. I wouldn't,' he thought glumly, feeling very small.
Jillia laughed. "Well, I've questioned my taste for ten years, why shouldn't he?"
Qui-Gon smiled and finished his wine.
Jillia set her empty glass aside and rose to her knees by Qui-Gon's chair. Slowly, she reached up and brushed her fingertips from his brow, down the contours of his face, and across his bearded jaw, then she lightly traced the curve of his mouth.
Qui-Gon caught his breath and leaned back slightly, but Jillia tangled her hands into his hair and drew him closer. "I'm going to kiss you now," she warned quietly. She pressed her lips softly to his.
Obi-Wan crawled back onto his bed and hid his face in his pillow. He had heard enough.
Jillia felt blissfully lightheaded as her lips moved slowly against Qui-Gon's. After a long, suspended moment, she drew away from the kiss. Qui-Gon rested his forehead against hers as they struggled to calm their breathing.
"I've wanted to do that for ten years," she whispered. Her hands tightened in his hair, and she brought his mouth to hers again, kissing him slowly, then harder until he groaned and responded to her passion with his own.
His hands moved to her hair as he deepened the kiss. He slid from his chair to his knees and pulled her tightly against him, shuddering as her hands moved down his back and to his hips, pressing him closer still.
Jillia was overwhelmed by the wonder of finding herself in Qui-Gon's arms. She gave a low, luxurious laugh as Qui-Gon kissed her throat. His mouth moved to her chin, her cheeks, her eyes...
...but when Qui-Gon tasted the salt of her tears, something broke inside him, and he pulled away. He cradled Jillia's face in his hands and gazed down at her, at the depth of emotion so openly displayed.
His heart twisted, and he had to close his eyes. "What am I doing to you," he breathed. "What am I doing?" He pulled her head against his chest and kissed her hair as she wrapped her arms around him.
"Please don't think," she whispered into his tunic. "Please."
"Jillia." he said. "I can't do this." He rested his cheek against the top of her head and hugged her tightly. "I won't do this to you."
"No no no," she moaned softly in anguish. "Don't be honorable, Qui-Gon, please don't."
"I am not feeling honorable right now, my dear. Far from it."
"And yet you're about to send me away." She held her breath and leaned against his chest with a sudden need to hear his heartbeat, to memorize the feel of his body in her arms.
Qui-Gon seemed to know what she was doing, and he allowed the moment to pass. Then he gently pushed her away and rose gracefully to his feet. He helped her to stand, and then brushed the tears from her face.
She reached up with a sad smile and smoothed his hair, then gave him a quick kiss. "You know," she said, "being gentlemanly won't help me get over you. Are you sure you won't consider callously taking advantage of me?"
Qui-Gon laughed softly. "I've always liked you, Jillia diRano."
"And I've always loved you, Qui-Gon Jinn."
Qui-Gon meditated for hours that night, and never did go to bed. But he began his day at dawn as usual. He was drinking tea and gazing out the window at the pale light of sunrise when he heard Obi-Wan behind him. He turned. "You're up early," he commented to his padawan.
Obi-Wan nodded but didn't reply. He poured a cup of tea for himself and sat at the table.
Qui-Gon tried again. "Did you sleep well?"
"No."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
After a few moments of silence, Qui-Gon sat down across from his apprentice and said, "Padawan, do you remember the last thing you said to me last night?"
Obi-Wan stared at his cup. He took a drink. Then he looked up and said, "You make me feel stupid."
"Obi-Wan, that comment upset me."
Obi-Wan shrugged. "Oh, I'm sure you got over it."
Qui-Gon was taken aback by his apprentice's insinuating tone. He clenched his jaw tightly. "Don't be disrespectful, Padawan."
"I'm sorry, Master," Obi-Wan said automatically. With a vague sense of disappointment, he realized that he actually was sorry. He rather wanted to hold on to his anger, but the effort seemed too great. He understood, now, what had fueled his master's fierce concern for him. Qui-Gon's desire to protect him had been real and heartfelt. How could he be angry at that?
Qui-Gon sensed the weary resignation in his apprentice, and it disturbed him. "Padawan, be honest with me. Did you mean what you said last night?"
Obi-Wan hesitated, then nodded. "Yes. I meant it. When I said it, I meant it. But now... I still feel stupid, Master, but it's not because of you."
"What do you mean?"
"Yesterday, you called me a child. I didn't like that. But I've realized you were right. You were right, and I was wrong. I'm young, and I'm foolish, and I have a lot to learn." Obi-Wan pushed his cup away and stood. "I'm going to do my morning meditations now, because I have a long day of classes ahead of me. I need to focus. I'd hate to disappoint my teachers."
Qui-Gon shook his head. He didn't want his padawan feeling this way. "Obi-Wan, when you are ready to talk about this... will you come to me?"
Obi-Wan considered the question and answered honestly. "Probably not."
Qui-Gon flinched.
"But thank you for asking," he added politely. Suddenly Obi-Wan gave
wry half-smile. "And Master? Thank you for caring enough to make me
look stupid." With an awkward little laugh, he went to his room and
closed the door quietly behind him.