Mace: Qui, what's wrong? You look a little tense? You need to learn to relax, my man. I know being a master is hard...but hey, you ought to try being on the council with Yoda. Do you know what he does when...hey...where are you going? I wasn't finished.
Qui: Yes you were.
Mace: Wait. What's wrong?
(Qui keeps walking quickly down the corridor. Mace catches up and grabs him by the arm.)
Mace: Will you wait? What is wrong with you?
Qui (very red in the face): I really can't discuss it now.
Mace: You better do something about it. You're going to bust a vessel. Kenobi being a jerk again?
(Qui glares at him.)
Qui: What have you heard?
Mace (trying not to smile): Nothing.... Why? What should I have heard?
Qui: Mace...you...if you've been talking about this...
Mace: Talking about what?
Qui: About what happened in the gym.
Mace: Not me man. I don't know what you're talking about. (Trying not to grin.)
(Qui shrugs in resignation)
Qui: I guess it's all over the temple by now...and I'm going to have to kill Kenobi for it too! (Sighs) We were sparring.
Mace: Oh...OK. Great story. See you later.
Qui: Do you want to hear this or not?
Mace: Oh? There's more?
Qui: You're after Kenobi.
Mace: I'm gonna have to talk to the healers about prozac...Ok...Ok...can't take a joke. What's the story?
Qui: Obi-Wan and I were sparring. I was winning, of course...like I always do. He was trying to fight dirty though and throw some low blows. But I easily anticipated them and pushed him back. My usual incredible performance. Then he started getting mad.
Mace: Sounds like Kenobi.
Qui: Yeah. Well, anyway...he was mad because I was beating him so badly. So he started just wildly swinging his saber. No logic to his attack. It was easy to find an opening. And...I pinned him to the mat.
Mace: So what else is new? You're eight feet tall and strong. He's a kid! You sure you don't abuse him?
Qui (glaring): Thanks, friend. Anyway...he was thrashing around and yelling at me. But I wouldn't let him up.
Mace: A real humanitarian.
Qui: I tell you...you're after Kenobi. Even tried to Force push me away! Me! Of course, I was able to withstand it.
Mace: A Force push? Even you're not that strong. He let you win!
Qui: He did not! I am strong. But I took pity on him and let him up...eventually. He was very embarrassed...there in front of all the other padawans. So, naturally he got up and started swinging again. Of course, I was able to block everything he launched at me.
Mace: Of course. You're eight feet tall and strong. I'm going to have to talk to that boy about how you discipline him...
Qui: I can show you if you'd like a demonstration.
Mace: Just get on with the story. Get to the good part!
Qui: What good part?
Mace: Oh...well...it's good...so far...but not as good...as other stories you've told. So...I knew there had to be a better part...
Qui: Oh...OK.
Mace: Whew!
Qui: What?
Mace: You were saying?
Qui: Anyway...we started to spar again. And I was doing exceptionally well...
Mace: Beating up on a kid...
Qui: Mace! All the masters spar with their padawans!
Mace: Yeah...but they aren't all eight feet tall.
Qui: I am not eight feet tall.
Mace: Whatever... Make note...check Obi-Wan for bruises.
Qui: Anyway!! I was doing wonderfully. I easily match his every attack. Then he steps back and flips high in the air...somersaults over my head...not the most beautiful of moves mind you...I have to remember to work on that with him...
Mace: You are eight feet tall...if he was able to somersault over you...that sounds good to me!
Qui: I am not eight feet tall.
Mace: You are to Yoda!
Qui: Anyway!!! He flips and as he lands, I turn to block his next blow...but...I...turned too quickly...
Mace: Yeah? Yeah?
Qui: Well...my feet slipped and I...kinda did...
Mace: Yeah? Yeah?
Qui: I kinda...did...the splits.
Mace (laughing hard): The splits! You!? You're old.
Qui: I'm not that old.
Mace: Yeah...right...and then??
Qui: Well...
Mace: Yeah? Yeah?
Qui: I split my pants! All right??
(Mace is breathless by now.)
Qui (crossing his arms over his chest): It's not that funny.
Mace: Not yet, anyway.
Qui: What?
Mace: Nothing...nothing. What happened then?
Qui: What do you mean what happened then? (Red in the face.) Everybody in the gym got flashed by my underwear! What did you expect?
Mace: Oh...this your red bikini underwear that Adi told me about?
Qui: What! She told me she didn't tell anyone! Geez...I'll never trust her again.
Mace: Or the bright blue ones that Depa told me about?
Qui: What!!!! I'll never trust another woman in my life!
Mace: Don't worry. I bribed them.
Qui: What, you bribed them?
Mace: Yeah...I knew they did your laundry for you. A few credits...a little fun with Jinn.
Qui: Mace!
Mace: Well...which was it?
Qui: Neither.
Mace (looking shocked): You did have on underwear, didn't you??
Qui: Of course!
Mace: Which pair haven't I heard about?
(Qui turns every shade of red known in the galaxy.)
Mace: This must be good! You're turning every shade of red known in the galaxy!
Qui (in a whisper): White boxers.
Mace: What's so bad about that? Qui...I've never seen that shade of red before! Wow! What are you not telling me? Come on...you know I'll find out one way or other.
Qui: They have little light sabers on them.
(Mace is literally rolling on the floor, unable to catch his breath.)
Qui: Mace!
Mace: Do they light up...like real sabers?
Qui: No!
Mace: I'll bet they glow in the dark too!
Qui: They do not!!!
Mace: What color?
Qui: I told you...white.
Mace: No...the sabers!
(Qui is silent and fuming.)
Mace: A green one? How about blue? Red? No...you don't have a sith saber on them? Do you??
Qui: Mace!
Mace: I'll bet they do glow in the dark! Especially that red one!
Qui: Mace! You are after Kenobi!
Mace: So...what did you do?
Qui: What do you think I did? I grabbed that brat padawan by his braid. He was laughing as hard as you! No matter how hard I pulled he wouldn't shut up! It was only attracting more attention! So, I pulled him to stand directly in back of me. I threatened him to stay right there. I yelled to another master to bring my robe...but they all are laughing so hysterically, they can't do it. So, I told Kenobi that if he moved, I would kill him!
Mace: How'd you get out of the gym?
Qui: We started inching towards the exit. Kenobi was smart enough to tell me how professional that looked! An 8ft tall Jedi Master with a 5ft apprentice glued to his backside.
Mace: I told you...eight feet tall!
Qui: I am not eight feet tall. That's just what he said. Is this where Kenobi got that from...you?
Mace: Just...tell me more.
Qui (glaring): So, here we are, edging to the exit. Everyone staring at us...and I mean everyone...they start applauding as we are leaving.
Mace (cackling): I'll bet Kenobi was laughing his rear off!
Qui: Yes...he was! Anyway, we made it to the gym exit, and standing on the other side is...guess who...Master Yoda.
Mace: No way!
Qui: Yes way! Right there! He asks me why my padawan is stuck to my butt and why I am pulling his braid out of his head.
Mace (breathless and holding his sides): What did you say?
Qui: What was I supposed to say? Look at my underwear? I told him that Obi-Wan and I were having a Master/Padawan bonding session.
Mace: And he bought that?
Qui (Red in the face): I don't know. He was laughing so hard, I didn't get to ask him.
Mace: More! More!
Qui: We made it to the changing room, and I make Kenobi chase everyone else out. They all are laughing as they leave the area. I told that brat to sit down and shut up! He was still mortified that I whipped his rear so hard in the sparring match...so he quickly calmed down once I reminded him of that.
Mace: I'll bet! A threat from an eight foot tall man would scare even me! You didn't hit him did you?
Qui: Not yet!
Mace: So...Jinn...just where did you get those...those...boxers...with...with...glowing light sabers.
Qui: They do not glow!
Mace: Whatever you say...but come on...where'd ya get them?
Qui: You sound like Kenobi! I got them from a friend.
Mace: Really...who?
Qui: A friend! It really is none of your business.
Mace: Touchy! Must be someone I know!
Qui: Mace!
Mace: So...you think Kenobi is gonna keep quiet?
Qui: He'd better if he wants to live.
Mace: You are a child abuser! I knew it!
Qui: Mace!
Mace: Just let me ask you one question. Is this the way it really happened?
Qui: Of course. Are you suggesting I'm lying?
Mace: Exaggerating maybe. This isn't the way I heard it.
Qui: What? You mean...
Mace: It's all over the temple. But...not that way.
Qui: Well...my way is the truth. And I know a padawan who is going to suffer a painful death.
Mace: Wait! I can't let an eight foot tall master abuse a boy.
Qui: Don't worry...you're next.