The Gospel according to Chandler
Chandler: I think, for us, kissing is pretty much an opening act. I mean, it’s like the comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Joey (discussing Ross’s romantic history): Man, can you believe he’s only had sex with one woman?
Chandler: I think that’s great. You know, it’s sweet. It’s romantic...
Joey: Really? Chandler: Are you kidding? The guy’s a freak.
Phoebe: Oh, come on! Just do it! Call her! Stop being so...testosteroney.
Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat.
Ross: I figured after work, I’d pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to...woo her. Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used.
Chandler: (to Ross): What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy. It’s time for you to swoop in.
Monica: Chandler, you’re an only child, right? You didn’t have any of this.
Chandler: Well, no. Although I did have an imaginary friend who my parents actually preferred.
Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I’ll either be an alcoholic blond chasing twenty-year-old boys or I'll wind up like my mom.
Rachel (on seeing Ross’s baby): I can’t believe one of us actually has one of these. Chandler: I know. I still am one of these.
Chandler: Well, you know, Pheebs, I don’t know if being a secretary is your kind of thing because it involves a lot of being normal for a large portion of the day.
Chandler: You can always spot someone who’s never seen one of Joey’s plays before. Notice: No fear. No sense of impending doom.
Chandler: All right, kids, I’ve got to get to work. If I don’t input those numbers...it doesn’t make much of a difference.
Monica: Come on. Let’s get some coffee.
Chandler: Oh, okay. ‘Cause we never do that.
Chandler: I believe this piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio.
Joey: You knew about that?
Chandler: Well, let’s just say that the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination.
Chandler: Hey, that monkey’s got a Ross on it’s ass!
Joey: Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
Chandler: Of course, there they just call it "food".
Chandler: You know that thing when you and I talk to each other about things?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Let’s not do that anymore.
Ross: I can’t even get Marcel to stop eating the bathmat. How am I going to raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different.
Joey: All right. You’re a monkey. You’re loose in the city. Where do you go?
Chandler: Okay, it’s his first time out, so he’s probably going to want to do some of the touristy things. I'll go to "Cat’s", you go to The Russian Tea Room.
Ross: Alright. Alright, we’re all adults here. There’s only one way to resolve this: Since you saw her boobies, I think you’re going to have to show her your pee-pee.
Chandler: You know, I don’t see that happening.
Rachel: Come on. He’s right. Tit for tat.
Chandler: Well, I am not showing you my tat.
Chandler: So? How’d it go?
Joey: It was amazing. You know how you always think you’re great in bed?
Chandler: The fact that you even ask that question shows how little you know me.
Chandler (on learning that Rachel is baby-sitting Marcel): I can’t remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.
Chandler: How about "Joey Pepponi"?
Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that’s more neutral.
Chandler: "Joey Switzerland"?
Chandler (to Ross on how to handle his jealousy): You don’t do anything. Play it cool. Just keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings. Don’t cry out loud!
Chandler: Wow, I’m going out with someone who’s getting a divorce. I’m such a grown-up.
Chandler: But it was like all of a sudden we were this couple, you know? And some sort of alarm went off in my head: "Get out of the building! Run for your life!"
Chandler (predicting how Rachel will find out Ross cheated on her): Wait, wait, wait. Chloe...works with that Isaac...whose sister is Jasmine...who works at the massage place with Phoebe...and Phoebe knows Rachel and that’s the trail!
Chandler (to Joey): No, you didn’t "get me"! It’s an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!
Chandler: Hey Joey, I wrote a song today. It’s called "Get up"!
Chandler: In the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole".
Monica: Alright. I’ve got a leg, three breasts and a wing.
Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?
Joey: Hey, some girl ate Monica.
Monica: Oh, shut up! The camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Aaah...so how many cameras are actually on you?
Ross: Do you guys know who Carl is?
Chandler: Let’s see...Alvin...Simon...Theodore...no.
Chandler: I’ll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I’m a giant.
Chandler: OK - hating this.
Chandler: Yes, hitting her with a frying pan’s a good idea. We might wanna have a back-up plan, though, just in case she isn’t a cartoon.
Richard: Well, we had a table in college.
Chandler: Oh really? I didn’t know they had foosball in the 1800s!
Chandler (regarding Joey’s porcelain dog): So, is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog.
Chandler: Could we get some help here? It’s kind of an emergency. But I guess you knew that, or else we’d be in the Predicament Room.
Chandler: Could this report BE any later?
Chandler: My god, that’s a big head. It didn’t look this big in the office - maybe it’s the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. Alright, don’t get hung up on it. Quick, quick, name five things you like about her: nice smile, good dresser...big head big head big head.
Chandler (on the phone): I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No, interesting enough, her leaf blower picked up.
Chandler (to his mom): You kissed my best Ross! Or something to that effect.
Chandler (to Joey): Too many jokes.....must mock Joey.
Chandler: Oh, look. It’s the woman we ordered.
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.....Did I say that out loud?
Ross: Do you have a point?
Chandler: You’d think I would.
Rachel: Men can pee standing up!
Chandler: We can? Okay, I’m trying that.
Joey: I can’t sleep in my underwear.
Chandler: Well, you’re gonna.
