So what kind of a line does a band cross when they get a video on MTV? We talk about this alot. First of all, most of my friends and your friends consider the very *low* percentage of bands who actually were cool and got a video on MTV to be "sellouts". Let's not include in our survey the weak pansy rock antics of bands like Bush (yechhh) and the like. Take for example, Unsane. Their video on MTV wasn't that bad--actually it was full of biff features off of Welcome to Hell...a cool best Toy Machine skate videos. The Beastie Boys manage to holdtheir won, right? They're phat--and their new videos are ALWAYS on MTV. Still, I can't stand MTV, or their soap opera shows, their weak attempts at gaining back old school viewers with asskissing commercials about..."back when MTV was cool." Well that was a long FUCKING time ago, frijole! I mean, wuttup? Who wants to watch six retarted rich teens get pampered on an "alterna" trip across the united states? Especialy in some pimped out Winnebago?
See, people like you and me would fuckin' take off in that mother. Fuck Mtv and their dramatic recaps on the spanish chic who stubbed her toe in some hill climb! I'd be all about gettin' fucked up and seeing the world with the in gas money. I actually SAW an application for Road Rules, or Real World, or College Fags--whatever the name of the show was--and it was ridiculous. The questions were like, "How do you accessorize" and "Write your favorite cool phrase down". These teenagers are selected through a TREND SCREEN!
So that's what happened to the music...I mean, all the kids watching MTV want to see this crap.....Well what if...?What if YOUR band got offered to be on MTV. Would you dis them? Would you accept just for the money? Would you agree to have your video shown only on Beavis and Butthead? How about making a video that illustrates how their network has blood on it's hands...like "YO kids! Go out and buy "Give me Convenience or Give Me Death!!! Listen to Biafra! Heed his words!".
Hey man. The bassist from FYP committed suicide by jumping off a fucking cliff. Moment of silence. Word. My friend Ryan says they were gettin' lame and serious on their newest album. I wouldn't know about that...but their old shit was cool. You know the real meaning of simplicity when you buy the CD and it sounds like a tape recording from your brother's Sony. FYP was cool. I feel bad for the other guys in the band..I know they were tight.Hope everything's alright from one brother to another.
After creating the perfect "Two-track" Unit, it is time to install a stereo. Cooter takes the fried fifteens from his house stereo (Christmas, 1989) and puts in two blown tweeters. Two hours and 150 feet of speaker wire later, the "system" is ready.
Now comes the true mystery. Cooter will bring along in his tape case a little Garth Brooks, a little Shania Twain, some Billy Ray Cyrus, and some Will Smith.
"Excuse me?" You say--but the transition from "Achey Breaky Heart" to "Getting Jiggy with it" is easily made by hicks in my area. That rusty Bronco on monster wheels can go from "Boot Scootin' Boogie" to "Motherfuck Da Hoes" in 6.5 seconds.
As if the Carhardt Jacket and dirty black jeans aren't irritating enough, hicks have the ability to mix and match the worst combination of music that one could fathom in a sweaty nightmare. Dammitt! Didn't anyone tell these boys that Squaredance and Gangsta Rap don't mix?
I'd like to scream at Cooter, and tell him that he's in Northern Michigan, not at a fucking Swap Meet. This constant abuse of the American motor and stereo is something that should be taken care of. If they weren't milking the cows that fill my cereal bowl, I swear..."
The cop hauled Chris and Sam into the jail, where they were put into a jail cell for the night. Chris lost his license (Minor in Possesion) and Sam was given an assortment of violations. But he didn't stop there.
I guess Chris was pretty fuckin' mad, but he was tired and tying to sleep. At this point, Sam starts yelling to the cop, "You fuckin' prick!!! You know what I'm going to college for, you nutsack???I'm going to college to be a teacher!!!!! And when I get your kids in my class I'm gonna FUCK THEM UP! That's right! I'm gonna rape'em!!"
Chris tried to control him, but he couldn't. Sam ran up to the bars, whipped down his pants, and pissed all over the cops shoes and the outside of the cell.
God, I love Sam. What a sport. Anyway, and this is where it gets funny...the cops separated him from Chris and hog tied him. They HOG TIED him! Did anyone know they still do that? Christ! We need T-Shirts...something to the effect of, "I was hog tied in The East Lansing Police Station."I would wear it.
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Can you beat eight feet? If you can beat Joel's record send me a goddamn photo and I'll shit my own pants.
OKAY THIS IS IMPORTANT
I have had so many requests for pictures of Joel Shooting turds that it is unreal. In order to appease anyone who would like a picture of the turdshot, send
$1 and your address to:
The dollar is not for any profit, it is just so I can afford to get a copy of the picture for you, along with postage. I will also include a
Arrrrrrr Maties...a few links fer ya
Test your fucking ability to think:
Ryan Kennedy be blowin' shit up in OhioOldpunks
Step up and getted chopped by the Illustrious Delko Crew
(silly kids with bad hair)
it's under construction, yo
