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Church of Gerbil of Canada

The Holy War...
Church of the Gerbil against the
Church of the Bunny

A Holy War has been declared between the main branch of the Church of the Gerbil and the Church of the Bunny; naturally, we here at the CANADIAN Church of the Gerbil fully support this righteous crusade. We present you, first of all, with this information from the main site:

That is correct all you wonderful people. The Church Of Gerbil (CoG) has entered into a Holy War, a net crusade if you will. Our enemy The Church of the Bunny. Being the first Holy War to take place on the web, we have a standard to set for millions of religious fanatics to follow, The Gerbil calls upon us all in these trying times, so may we please do our best to answer his small but important requests? It was long thought that we were losing this war horribly, and to tell you the truth (since the Gerbil doesn't lie) we were. But now since we have been flogged for 40 days by a wet noodle and we are back in spiritual shape, we are ready to wash over the earth in rabbit blood. We want to give a special shout out right now to all you who sent us email in support. You will be rewarded in this life and the afterlife. And a special shout out to that guy who sent me the picture of 500 dead bunnies. Note: The Church of Gerbil does not truelly condone harm to small fuzzy animals of any kind. Gerbilists worship rabbits as minor deities, it is only their worshipers we wish to eradicate.

Who are we fighting?

That is actually a very good question. Like most holy wars, we aren't out to stomp out the evil Satin (spelled that way on purpose), but rather for purely personal gain. Furthermore, the bunnies theology differs from our own in one important area, Lime Green Jello. For gerbilists, lime jello is a beautiful thing, not only nutritionally, but in other ways also. What would be better than to dive into a pool of jello on a hot day! Can you feel that soft cooling frictionless substance on your skin as you suffocate at the bottom of the pool.... Ahhhhh how beautiful.

What are we fighting for?

Don't' Ask Me I Don't Give A Damn! The Next Stop Is Bunnyland! thank you Country Joe McDonald. Seriously, our goal is unity of all fuzzy religions under Gerbilism. We would much rather prefer assimilation to all out carnage, but some people don't like peaceful negotiations.

What do we hope to accomplish?

Yet Another Excellent Question! Since CoG and CotB are so similar, yet so vastly different, we will hold off on ritual sacrifice of CotB members, and instead only ask the The Church Of The Bunny lie with all the other fuzzy animal religions, under the great big Gerbilism umbrella. If, however, they do not wish to comply, then we break out our electric knives and assure that they only have one paw to leave on the ground!

How can I help?

Perhaps the most important question of all!! How YOU can help is simple. Give us your first born child for ritual enslavement. Do not deny the Gerbil. Do not betray the Gerbil. Pledge your support for the Gerbil every where you go.

A recent visit to the Church of Bunny Site, provided by a link on the main Church of Gerbil site, revealed that the Church of Bunny "supposedly" no longer exists. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THIS TRICKERY FOR ONE MOMENT!!! Although the heathen Bunny-Worshippers may no longer have an "official" Church, do not let your guard drop! Bunny Cults are springing up all over, and, in Canada, unfortunately, such cults are particularly prevalent....

Our network of Spies is woefully understaffed at the moment, however, we shall be updating soon to let you know the evil works of Bunny Cultists that is running rampant throughoot Canada, eh?, and what you can do to spot it, and how to stop it!!!

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