Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

“Heero? Did you hear me?” Quatre’s voice came as sweet as it ever was, lying next to where Heero was sat on the bed. “I said I love you… I’ll understand if you don’t-”

“No, Quatre… It’s not that… I need to get some air. I won’t be long.” Heero pulled on his coat and left much more quickly than he usually did.

Quatre slumped back against the wall behind the bed and sighed. He’d said it too soon. He knew he should have waited just a little longer. But the two of them had been sleeping together for months now. Heero couldn’t expect to hold down that kind of relationship without even having love enter into it, could he? Quatre certainly couldn’t. He’d been in love with Heero for years now, ever since they’d first met at the beginning of the war.

Now it was over, the only thing holding any of them together was the fact that they’d ended up in some kind of relationship with one another. There was the connection between himself and Heero, of course, but he’d felt it was fairly obvious that they felt how they did. No one ever expected Duo to hook up with Wufei. They were so… so… different. But then again, so were Quatre and Heero.

Trowa had certainly seemed surprised when Quatre had told him that he and Heero were together. The expression he got on his face almost looked as if Quatre had just told him the world was going to end next week. I wonder why he reacted like that.

“It’s not like that,” Heero said as he saw Trowa twist the key in the lock, “I have to talk to you.”

“Get that coat off, it’s saturated,” Trowa said in reply, pulling it from Heero’s back, sitting the two of them down on the sofa. Heero was beginning to doubt that Trowa had heard him when he felt Trowa’s lips run down his neck. He sighed and melted into the enticing touch, feeling his fingers sliding his shirt off his shoulders. “Trowa, we need to talk, now,” he insisted in the most demanding tone he was willing to use with his lover.

“Maybe later, yeah?” Trowa suggested, straddling Heero and pushing him down into the sofa. Trowa grabbed one of Heero’s wrists in either hand and held them firmly by the side of his head, leaning into him and pressing his lips up against Heero's. He tried to fight it, to insist that they sat down and discussed their relationship, but one brush of Trowa’s lips on his was enough to convince him to let it slip for now.

Heero let him open his mouth as he felt Trowa’s tongue slide between his teeth. He let out a small whimper as Trowa pressed their hips together, rubbing his erection painfully up against the restricting material of his jeans, and sliding his tongue further to the back of Heero's throat. Trowa pulled his tongue out of Heero’s mouth and turned it on his ear, making Heero smile as he nibbled his earlobe and ran his tongue down Heero’s neck.

Trowa slid down to the mark he’d left a few nights ago on Heero’s shoulder and sucked it more. Heero was amazed that Quatre had bought the excuse that it was a bruise from a cupboard door he’d hit. The most painful thing about it was that Quatre had asked if he’d hurt himself, that he’d been concerned about him instead of suspicious like most people would have been.

“Trowa…” Heero whispered desperately as Trowa rubbed his chest and dragged his hands down to pull off his belt. Heero ripped at Trowa’s skin-tight sweater, pulling it quickly over his head, then pulled off his pants. Trowa had obviously been expecting him, he wasn’t wearing any underwear. Heero felt himself harden further at the sight of his lover completely naked.

As if he thought in unison with Heero, Trowa reached down and pulled away his boxers. He grabbed Heero’s wrists again, despite his physical protest, holding him perfectly still while he ran his lips over Heero’s erection. Heero bit his lip and whimpered again bucking his hips up toward him, Trowa took advantage of the desperation he knew Heero was in and took the length into his mouth in one go.

“Aaah! Oh, Trowa!” Heero yelled, finally allowing himself to give a little way to his urge to shout until he lost his voice, “oh god…” he whispered when Trowa pulled his tongue slowly along the underside of Heero’s cock. Trowa drew back a little and sucked in a rhythm with Heero’s heart beat, “Trowa!” he shouted frantically, thrusting up into his mouth as Trowa pulled with his mouth so hard that Heero thought he was probably going to choke.

“No… don’t…” Heero begged as Trowa pulled away completely. Trowa grabbed Heero’s neck and pulled him into what could only be described as a very violent kiss, feeling the raw sexual passion raging inside them. In the midst of his kiss, Trowa pulled himself up and pressed his entrance against Heero’s sex, holding Heero’s shoulders down on the sofa.

Heero cried out and almost sat up as he felt Trowa impale himself, then bring himself back out, only to thrust onto him again. “Please tell me you knew I was going to come to you tonight,” Heero croaked weakly, noticing that he’d had no need for lubricant. Trowa laughed and nodded, driving himself back onto him. It was easy to guess when he’d see Heero.

Trowa thrust completely a few more times, wringing an ear-splitting scream of ecstasy from Heero each time, then moved faster, driving him insane with the pleasure that was coursing through his body. “Trowa, Trowa I…” Heero tried to cry out, the bliss slowly building up inside him, taking him to undiscovered realms of rapture. Every time he came to Trowa, their experience seemed to become even more mind-numbingly ecstatic than it was possibly one hundred times before that.

Trowa snapped his eyes open and threw his head back as Heero’s sex hit the hotspot inside him that made him crazy, the reason Heero was here now, “Heero, Heero, Heero!” he screamed, feeling himself start to come, thrusting as hard and as fast as was humanly possible.

“Take me, you bastard!” Heero yelled, then cried out a few more times and came in a silent scream, the orgasm virtually ripping his mind and body from each other. He grabbed Trowa’s hips, digging his fingers into the skin as Trowa came soon after him crying desperately for Heero, the ecstasy threatening to leave him unconscious.

Trowa steadied himself as he came out of the daze they’d thrown each other into, long before Heero did. He got up and pulled his clothes back on, grabbing a blanket from a shelf and throwing it over Heero. Trowa knew how much he hated to be left in a daze and completely vulnerable.

“So,” he began as Heero came round a few minutes later, “what do we have to talk about?” He sat down on the sofa next to him, handing him some coffee and putting an arm around his shoulder. Heero sighed and stared at the cup in his hands, he felt awful about what he’d just done but everything about Trowa drove him mad with lust. Just seeing him in his usual skin-tight clothes was enough to get him completely aroused.

“I’ve got something I have to confess,” Heero said candidly, still staring at the coffee going cold in his hands, “I haven’t been completely-”

Trowa leant into him and pressed a finger to his lips, “I know about Quatre,” he said with a smile, “what else you got?” Heero’s eyes widened and he felt a huge pang of guilt stab in his stomach. Trowa seemed so flippant, so off-handed. Didn’t it bother him at all?

Heero looked up at the ceiling and then straight into Trowa’s eyes, “I just wanted to know what you want me to do, that’s all. How do you feel about this? And I really want to apologize, I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know what’s got into me, something about him just… where are you going?” he said as Trowa got to his feet and walked across the room.

“Nowhere, baby,” he crooned, grabbing the pot of coffee off the side of the kitchen counter. “Look,” he said, sitting on the chair opposite the sofa while Heero pulled his clothes back on, “I thought we laid out the ground rules of this thing from day one. Remember what we said? No strings, just fun. If you want to go with a million other guys, that’s your business. I don’t care what you do with Quatre or why you do it. Just so long as I can still fuck you senseless every now and then.”

Heero sighed heavily again. So it wasn’t Trowa he needed to talk to. It was Quatre. “What do you think I should say to him?” he asked gravely, giving Trowa his serious look that meant he was trying his best not to be turned on.

“Depends on how he sees you,” Trowa said between sips of coffee, “Does he think you’re serious?” Heero nodded. “Either way, I don’t know what to do. You’d be better off talking to someone objective. Don’t know who exactly,” he added thoughtfully.

“Maybe I need somebody who knows what it’s like to be in a serious relationship,” Heero mused, finally taking a big gulp of his coffee and gasping as he realized it was hotter than he thought it was.

“How about Zechs?” Trowa said eventually, “He’s been married to Treize for about six months now. Plus, he could probably give you an insight into an adult relationship too. I know we’re technically adults in the eyes of the law, but we were forced to grow up way too fast as gundam pilots. We’re basically still kids. Hell, we’re still a year too young to drink, right?”

Heero shrugged, “I don’t know how comfortable I am talking to that guy… or Treize for that matter. Wufei was absolutely heartbroken when Treize dumped him. So he probably wouldn’t care-”

“You don’t know the situation, Heero,” Trowa said almost angrily, “I’ve seen how much Treize and Zechs love each other. You ever heard that expression ‘you can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs’? Sometimes it applies to relationships too. To find who you’re really meant to be with, you’re bound to hurt a few other people in the process.”

“Whatever,” Heero sighed, sometimes Trowa’s analogies were beyond his comprehension, “I’ll figure it out somehow. See you later… maybe tonight.”

“Hey Duo, it’s Trowa,” he said calmly, “Is Wufei there by any chance?”

“Sure,” he replied, holding the phone to his chest and shouting over his shoulder, “So, how’re you doing? Haven't heard from you in a little while. You been okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Trowa said, still feeling the exhaustion from the ecstasy Heero had given him about half an hour before. “…Wufei is that you?” he said as there was a pause at the other end.

“Uh huh,” Wufei said a little more cheerfully than he would have done a few months back. That was something Duo was responsible for. Wufei’s happy side had been brought out by their bond with each other. He’d certainly helped him after his break-up with Treize, Trowa knew that much. It so often happened that people fell for the person that was their ‘shoulder to cry on’.

“Look,” Trowa began again, “I just wanted to give you the heads-up, Heero’s really been struggling with some stuff lately. There’s a chance he might drop by and ask if you could talk to him.”

“Oh, sure,” Wufei replied, “Anything serious?”

“For him, yeah. Nothing life-threatening, though.” At least I hope not.

With that, Duo patted Heero on the back and was gone, leaving Heero alone in the hallway. How Wufei could be with him, he’d never know. Duo was so hectic, he was nothing short of exhausting, and he’d drive Heero insane just by being himself. As he frequently had in the past. “Wufei? You there?”

Wufei shouted from the living room and greeted him amiably, “Hey there,” he smiled at his old friend who had hadn’t seen in weeks, “Wanna get straight to what you’re here for?” Heero nodded and sat on the sofa. This was a good idea. The second he’d walked in the door he’d felt welcome there, even with the history he had with Duo – their fling that could be best described as a five-week-night-stand hadn’t seemed to affect their friendship at all.

He knew he’d come to the right person as soon as he saw Wufei’s face. Wufei knew what it was like to have a heart broken. He’d been through everything as far as relationships went, platonic or otherwise. He’d been battered and bruised and had his emotions cut to shreds, but he’d still come out of it with a brave face on.

Heero explained his situation as best he could, keeping his account as unbiased as he could under the circumstances. He didn’t even have to finish to get Wufei’s answer. “Tell him,” Wufei snapped at Heero in the middle of his explanation, “there is no question about this.”

Heero was confused, “But it’ll hurt-”

“Look,” Wufei began with a sigh, putting his feet up on the coffee table, “you say you don’t love either one of them, right? One of them knows and accepts that, which is fine. The other has no clue and is toying with the idea that you might love him back. I know it’s going to hurt him… a lot, but believe it or not, it will hurt him more if you lead him on.

“You’re both at the stage in the relationship where you can be brutally honest with him without completely ripping out his heart,” he said wisely, “I know what I’d prefer. As much as I don’t like to revisit certain areas of my love life, Treize did hurt me, but at least I came out of our time together knowing that he respected me enough to be honest with me. I think Quatre would want that. He’s not the type who likes to stay in a deluded state.”

Heero shook his head, “I really haven’t got a choice have I?” he said, more to himself than to Wufei, “But you’re right, the sooner I tell him, the less it’s going to hurt… he’ll find somebody else. I’m sure he will.”

“Quatre… are you feeling okay,” Heero’s voice came clearly though the mist of self-pity that had begun to settle in Quatre’s mind. Quatre quickly blinked and nodded. “Are you sure? Look, I’m so sorry, I really didn’t want to hurt you. I had no idea how you felt and when you said… it just threw me, that’s all. But if you’re really looking for a long-term thing, then you need someone else. Someone who’s good enough for you. Somebody who’s worthy of your affection and your love. And, for Christ’s sake, someone who’ll love you just as much as you deserve.”

Quatre smiled a little and managed to fight back his tears.

“I just can’t give you that…” Heero mumbled quietly, “I wish I could but… I guess we’re just not looking for the same things right now.”

Shaking his head, Quatre felt he agreed, “Maybe, you know, a different time and place could’ve seen this work out,” he said wistfully, “I’ll be alright… Do you think you could do one last thing for me?”

“Sure,” Heero sighed, feeling awful that Quatre was forcing a painful smile. He could just deal with the situation so much easier if Quatre either broke down into tears or completely exploded at him. Heero was just longing for some extreme of emotion from him. He could only begin to imagine what Quatre was going to ask him to do.

“Take me,” Quatre whispered harshly in his ear.

Heero jumped back in surprise and gaped at Quatre, “What the fuck!?” he exclaimed at Quatre’s oddly calm expression.

Quatre shook his head, “Just one more time before you go. I know it won’t be for love, trust me. Something I’ve always wanted to have was just raw, passionate, carnal sex. I’ve got the chance now, if you would that is. We already know each other’s minds and each other’s bodies… this night’s got great potential,” he added, smiling seductively.

As much as Heero tried not to let it show, Quatre’s little movements were just as seductive as he wanted them to be, maybe more. He was seriously tempted to throw Quatre to the floor and rip off his clothes. What the hell is wrong with me? “God, I’m such a slut,” Heero said to himself.

Quatre stopped walked towards him, “Heero…” he sighed, putting his hands on his hips, “Just because you went with more than one guy at once doesn’t mean anything. Heero you’re a good guy I… Heero?” he asked as his ex turned his back and held his face, “What’s wrong?”

“I’m a slut,” Heero remarked plainly, “I’m a dirty little whore. I was seriously going to take you right now, you know that?” he asked, feeling himself start to panic, “It wasn’t just with Trowa, you know. All this time we’ve been together, I… probably ten. I had a one night stand with Duo after we broke up, I’ve slept with both Zechs and Treize on countless occasions, not since they got married but that’s beside the point,” he continued, the pace of his voice increasing as he only breathed with sharps intakes between sentences.

“Heero…”

“Don’t forget Trowa either,” Heero interjected, “you must hate me. I’m not so keen on me right now either… oh, what’s the point!” Quatre started to worry as Heero sat down and started to shake intermittently. He sat next to his ex boyfriend and looked at him. Heero had never looked so broken, so pathetic and in such severe self doubt.

“Sorry,” Heero mumbled as he snapped out of this downward spiral that had become a strange character trait of his lately, “I haven’t done this in front of anyone before. I’d better leave,” he said quietly, apologizing again and then getting up and starting to walk away, like he knew he should.

Quatre felt his heart thud in his chest and the reality and the pain of the situation started to set in. “Heero?” he said quickly before he finally walked out of the door. His ex turned half way around to see what he had to say. “… um… if it helps… I still love you,” Quatre said, knowing that it would do him good to get it off his chest and that it would do Heero good to hear it, “and I’ve got a feeling I always will.”

Heero smiled weakly and replied simply, “Thanks… I’ll remember that,” and began to walk away again before Quatre spoke for the final time, forcing Heero to realize just how much he’d hurt him, saying nothing more than “I’ll… leave the door unlocked.”

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