Institutionalized Part 9

 Heero never responded to me pushing on his shoulder and calling his name.  That cold, blank stare he had in his eyes, the one that refused to register me, was the stare of death.  The shot wound was worse than we thought.  He bled to death in the backseat of the car.  When I stopped and went back there to check on him, his lips were blue and his eyes were blank.  I knew he was dead.  I've seen death before, but never had it affected me like this did.  I stopped thinking clearly and got back in the car.  We took off down the road.  Another sharp turn.  Thirty-five.  No way in hell.  What do I have to live for?  No... what's the point in keeping myself alive?  We all die.  May as well live.  You must be brave enough to live, because anybody can die, even the people you love, even though you haven't had the time to tell them so.

 So I drive.  I go faster than usual, I can tell, but I don't bother to look at the speedometer.  We're flying.  Flying around the turn.  And there, of course, was a bridge up ahead.  I was off the road, I was skidding in the foliage along the sides.  I ran up on the gurad rail of the bridge.  We flip and turn and roll and skid down the hill, into a deep ditch with a small river flowing underneath us.  I've hit my head on the windshield.  It nearly busted through.  There's blood everywhere.  It's all over the dashboard and the steering wheel and my face.  I taste it in my mouth.  Everyone else is okay.  Trowa's broken his arm and Wufei's got a nice cut on his forehead from the dashboard.  I reach up to feel my crushed skull.  It feels like mush.  My skull is gone.  All that's left is a big pile of mush brains under my skin.  It feels gooey and sticky and weird.  And that's the last thing I remember from that life, is feeling my brain squish between my fingers.  That's it.

 No more pain.  All the pain is gone.  And now, here I am with Heero, on a tropical island in the middle of an eternity of ocean.  we sip our marguiritas and watch the eternal sunset that never fades into night.  The salty air blasts my face and it tastes so fresh.  I'm here in an eternity with Heero, sipping marguiritas and telling him how much I love him.  It's better to die than to keep on living.  Now I know why I tried to kill myself so often.  But I do have a feeling that if I had, I wouldn't be here right now.  I'd be somewhere else.  Somewhere dark and eerie that I wouldn't like much.  I didn't kill myself on purpose, I just didn't care.  But I am glad I'm dead.  There's nothing to be afraid of anymore.  Just the sunset, worrying if it will ever fade into night.

 Quatre, Trowa and Wufei aren't here with us.  That's one of the only differences about this place.  They survived.  They lived on the rest of their lives.  Who knows what they're up to now.  To tell the truth, I don't really even care.  I'm here.  I'm alive, in a manner of speaking, and I'm happy.  No worries.

 Heero looks at me and smiles and I take his hand.  I wonder if he even knows he's dead.  It took me awhile to figure it out.  I had to try very hard to remember exactly what happened that night.  I was glad I didn't survive that night, or I would've had to live on without him.  You see, dying's the easy part.  It's going on without that person that's truly difficult.  Maybe I'm too weak for it.  But hey, I'm a selfish person.  I'd rather be happy now than to wait a lifetime for another person as beautiful as Heero to come along.  I know he loves me too.  He tells me with his eyes.

 So here we sit for our eternity together.  I take another sip from my straw and feel the bitter sweet taste travel down my throat.  So good.  So warm.  I just hope I don't get bored spending an eternity watching a sunset with the person I love.  But who could get bored with that?

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