Seishuku Skuld 
Author
Pairing
Rating
Subject
Saidan no Hitsuji
Chapter Three: Ablehnung
(Denial)
By Seishuku Skuld (skuldsai@magicgirl.com)
Oooh,
character development! So hard to write! We're coming up on the shounen-ai soon!
**cheers** Just after this chapter! ^_~
Music drives my soul: Garbage -
Androgyny
Ace of Base - Tokyo Girl and Travel to Romantis
Aimee Mann - One
is the Lonliest Number
Metallica - No Leaf Clover
Noir -
MelodieSaidan no Hitsuji Part 3
Jecht was very quiet over the next few weeks. He
was probably thinking of his family and his Zanarkand, and undoubtedly missing
them. Braska was pensive as well, though we were still far from our destination,
each new Temple we arrived at only served to bring us closer to our goal: the
Final Aeon at the Ruins of Zanarkand where Braska would give his life to protect
the people of Spira.
I shook my head, was I the only keeping this group
together? It was downright depressing with two very thoughtful and reflective
men traveling on either side of me and neither speaking a word. I considered
breaking the silence myself, but finally decided against it. There was nothing I
could say that would make them feel better. The tension in our group was
palpable and the days we spent traveling had been almost unbearable as we walked
silently down the road to the next Temple.
We paused for several days
near Lake Macalania, Braska insisted we rest and enjoy ourselves. He also
insisted on using one of those silly spheres that Jecht had brought along for
fun. At the time, it seemed horrifyingly sacrilegious. We were on a pilgrimage,
and here Braska was having us standing in front of the Travel Agency like a pair
of sightseers.
"Auron, could you stand closer to him?" he asked,
motioning with his hand that we should move closer together.
I sighed.
Anything for you, Braska, I wanted to say. I nodded, and moved cautiously to
stand by Jecht. There was nothing more distasteful than being close to him. He'd
gotten better when he was quiet and contemplative, but when we relaxed to enjoy
Macalania, he went back to his old self again. For moment I was worried, but
then he started annoying me again, and I had to tolerate him as best I could.
The worry part went out the window shortly after.
"That should do it,"
Braska said, moving the sphere to get the scenery around us, and the ludicrous
sign above us that read "Lake Macalania." This was silly, I wanted to say so,
but I held back, not wanting to hurt Braska's feelings. His time was going to be
short-lived, and he wanted to live his best before facing Sin.
"What's
the matter?" Jecht's harsh voice broke into my thoughts. "Afraid I might
bite?"
"Jecht..." I began, ready to begin another scolding tirade. His
voice irritated me, his manner irritated me, and his words drove me crazy. He
had no respect for me, or Lord Braska for that matter. At that moment, I
fervently wished he was back in Zanarkand with his family, and not bothering
Braska and me on our pilgrimage.
"Hey Braska," he ignored me and
continued, "you should take one too! It'd make a great gift for little
Yuna!"
Braska paused a moment to think, "I suppose," he said uncertainly,
becoming sad again at the mention of his daughter.
"Lord Braska," I
stepped forward to save the summoner before the oaf could do any more damage,
"We shouldn't be wasting time like this."
"What's the hurry, man?" Jecht
wondered, shrugging his shoulders and giving me a look that told me I needed to
relax. A lot.
"Let me tell you what the hurry is," I growled, moving to
Braska and turning the stupid sphere off.
"Auron," Braska put his hands
around me, trying to stop my temper from exploding again.
"Bring it on!"
Jecht replied, putting his hands on his hips and looking ready for a
confrontation.
"You think we can dally here for another day
when-"
"AURON!" Braska shouted, and spun me around by my shoulders so I
was facing him. "Relax. We're having a bit of a holiday. A vacation. Now stop
thinking about the pilgrimage, all right? I just want to..."
I would have
groaned and smacked myself on the head if Jecht hadn't been watching. I sighed,
realizing the injury of my own words too late. There I was, worrying about duty
again, when all Braska wanted was a few days off. A few more days to live, to
enjoy himself to the fullest. Each step to the next temple, each step of the
journey took us to Zanarkand and Braska's death. And I was just trying to hurry
him. What an idiot I was. I would have taken all my words back if I
could.
I tossed and turned for several hours in bed, the moonlight
filtering in through the window cast an ethereal glow on Braska's pale skin, and
though I was weary, I did not sleep, but merely watched him and admired his
beauty.
I lost myself in my thoughts as I looked at the man I had always
loved from childhood. We had always been dear friends, there were no secrets
kept between us. He knew of the love I had for him, that was understood without
words. Sometimes I wondered if he was toying with me when we played our little
game, but I knew somewhere, deep down that loved me almost as much as I loved
him. The rest of the love he held was for his deceased wife and daughter, and I
knew that I would always be second to them. But that was all right. Because I
was just content to watch over Braska like this.
I heard a rustling
coming from Jecht's bed, and I quickly lay back down, pretending to be asleep. I
heard him murmur a few incoherent words to himself before putting what little
clothes he had on, and walk out of the room.
"Probably going to relieve
himself," I thought with disdain, "he's probably hiding some alcohol somewhere
too."
I waited for several moments, but he didn't return. That made me
curious, and I wondered if I could catch him drinking if I went to find him. Oh,
the temptation of that was much too hard to resist.
I clambered out of
bed quietly, and dressed in my shirt and pants, leaving my red coat behind.
Before I slipped out the door, I paused by Braska's bed, brushing a strand of
moonlit blue hair from his forehead. I kissed him gently on the cheek, and set
out to see if I could catch Jecht red-handed.
There were no footprints in
the snow outside the Travel Agency, so I guessed he must have headed towards the
winding paths of Macalania Forest. I walked beneath the lofted boughs, dazzled
by the sight the moon made on the shining forest. Each tree seemed to glow with
its own light, providing more than enough for me to find my way
around.
It was strange, I never seemed to realize how beautiful the
Forest was when I passed through just a few days before, I almost wanted to get
lost in the luminous woods, wanted to feel that unearthly light bathing my skin
until I heard a voice not far off that brought me back to reality.
"Hey,
if you're sitting there, watching this..." it was Jecht, sitting in front of a
sphere. He looked solemn and serious, an expression I'd never seen before on his
face, except in the past few weeks, when he would be thinking about his
Zanarkand and his home.
"...It means you're stuck in Spira, like me. You
might not know when you'll get back home, but you better not be crying!
Although, I guess I'd understand. But you know what?"
I listened
carefully to him speak, scarcely daring to breathe or move for fear he'd hear me
and catch me eavesdropping. I suddenly felt a twinge of guilt, I had creeped out
to catch him undoubtedly drinking, but here was, speaking to his wife and child.
It was a side of Jecht I'd never seen before, and I wondered if this was the
same loud, crass man that I'd been traveling with the past
months.
"There's a time when you have to stop crying and move on." He
paused, as if that last admission had been particularly difficult. I frowned as
I suddenly realized what long period of silence meant. I closed my eyes as my
heart started beating faster, my mind in a whirlwind as it fought to decipher
all of Jecht's actions I'd observed in the past few weeks.
"You'll be
fine. Remember, you're my son. And... Well, uh... Never mind. I'm not good at
these things." He turned off the sphere quickly, and put it back in his pocket.
Then he sat again on the ground, leaning back with his arms supporting him,
gazing off into the starlit sky.
I took off quietly, running back to the
inn, feeling incredibly childish and guilty that I had witnessed a private
confession I shouldn't have seen, much less knew about. I had to get back to the
inn before he found me missing and suspected something.
I made it back
into the room before he did, quickly stripped off my clothes, and jumped in bed,
pulling the covers over my head. I lay still for several moments, trying to
regulate my breathing and calm my pounding heart.
I was not awake to hear
him return that night. I soon fell asleep with my thoughts. Perhaps I'd judged
Jecht wrongly, and all his cheerful, provoking banter was a cover for the deeper
and larger sadness he suffered while here in Spira.
"There's a time when
you have to stop crying and move on," he had said, his voice echoing in my mind.
He'd admitted he'd never see Zanarkand again, never see his family again, his
beloved wife and son. I didn't even know their names, never bothered to ask,
never really cared. I wondered what it must be like for him in an alien world,
with no friends, your only companions a summoner and a stuffy warrior-monk who
glared at you every chance he got. I certainly I wouldn't have wanted to be in
his shoes, and for the first time since I'd met him, I honestly felt sorry for
him.
I thought back on the horrible ways I'd treated him, the
purposefully hurtful things I said, the contemptuous looks I'd given him. I
wondered if any of those things had made him give up on ever seeing his family
again. I felt the pit of stomach clench as I contemplated what a jerk I'd been
to him, never giving him a chance.
If I had a family to lose, I wondered
what it would be like. If everything I knew disappeared, and I had to adjust to
a completely new world, I wondered it would be like. I'd be lost, confused, and
terribly, horribly alone. Was that how Jecht felt? Friendless and now
hopeless?
The last thing I remembered before drifting off to sleep was
that I should apologize.
Seishuku Skuld
Author
Pairing
Rating
Subject
