Series: Yami no Matsuei

Pairings: implied Tatsumi+Tsuzuki and Tsuzuki+Hisoka

Warnings: Spoilers (ep.13, vol.8 of manga), lots of angst, shounen-ai (that should be obvious!)

Time: shortly after the anime series ending

Notes: I love Yami no Matsuei!  It rules!

           This is for Destra, because she made me realize how wonderful Tatsumi/Tsuzuki are as a couple, sorry they can’t stay together!

           This is first person POV with Tatsumi (I like mucking around his head ^_~), and it’s angsty and sad (poor Tatsumi).

           I don’t know own Yami no Matsuei, thanks to Matsushita Yoko for letting me borrow the characters.  I’ll put them back where I found them, I promise. ^_^

Inspired by Babaca’s fic, “Comfort”. Cheers!

Citation: Lyrics/Poem by Emily Dickenson “I held a Jewel in my fingers”.

Amethyst Remembrance

I remember standing in shock as the cold metal doors of Muraki’s underground sanctuary opened to reveal the blazing fires of Touda, the Shikigami whose fires are told to be able to incinerate even a Shinigami.

It was then that I realized what Tsuzuki’s wish truly was, and why he went that day with Muraki without a struggle.

And went to sleep-

The day was warm, and winds were prosy-

I said, “’Twill keep”-

Beneath his cheerful exterior, I had always known, Tsuzuki had hidden himself; his painful past, the secrets of his heart.  Though I had only been his partner for three months, I felt at the time I was still the one who knew Tsuzuki the best.

I came to know him very well during those three short months we worked and slept together.  He whispered his secrets to me after our love-making, when he thought I was peacefully asleep and he was alone to ruminate with himself.  Tsuzuki should know me better than that, but he doesn’t.  He never did.

I held myself back from him, though he gave me everything and unwittingly told me all his secrets.  He’s very perceptive, and it took much for me to hide myself.  That is perhaps something I regret, our relationship never fully bloomed because I never revealed myself to him.  He doesn’t know how much I love him, how much I want to make him happy and see his winning smile.

It hurt when I dumped him, it hurt us both. I told him I didn’t like working with him, I called him an idiot, and other things to boot.  I found after those months together that I couldn’t bear the pain in his eyes every time someone died.  His beautiful violet irises would pierce me to core every time he saw an extinguished life.  I felt that if we worked together much longer, I would eventually give myself up to him entirely. 

His body at night drives me to insanity, his slender frame writhing beneath mine makes me want to hold him forever, our bodies pressed close together.  I love him more than any other, and that is something I cannot allow, a certain stupid ideal of dignity and pride that I clung to.  I never imagined falling in love, and in truth, I was determined never to.  It was a certain kind of torture I liked, maybe because Tsuzuki’s enthusiastic love made me feel unworthy.  I felt I didn’t deserve his adoration, and I wanted to stay alone and aloof.  So I left him, simple as that.

I realize now I was stupid to think and cling to those old ways of mine, but even now I can’t help it.  I had said goodbye to him once when we broke off our partnership, our relationship; I figured I might as well give him peace in Touda’s flames.

I had come to realize when I came to him Kyoto that his very existence was torture.  That day we went sightseeing, he couldn’t suppress the guilt, the agony behind his smiling mask.  It almost made me wince whenever I saw his hardship.  So I thought I’d give him peace at last, let him have the satisfaction of ending the mockery of life through which he suffered.

I told Hisoka not to forbid him this last pleasure, but he wouldn’t listen.  I was not going to lose another good Shinigami, losing Tsuzuki would be bad enough.  But nevertheless, Hisoka went forward, braved the very flames of hell for Tsuzuki.  The man he loved.

Why did he want to save Tsuzuki?  Doing so would only condemn him to more turmoil, but nevertheless he still reached out.  I thought he would be consumed by Touda’s fire or rejected by a suicidal Tsuzuki…but instead, the violet-eyed Shinigami opened up to his young partner. 

It was a total emotional catharsis, this one act of courage and love.  That was when I realized I had truly lost Tsuzuki, he had slipped by my grasping fingers like grains of sand.  Tsuzuki would never be mine again.  But still I saved them, bringing them all into the comforting darkness of the shadows.

The Gem was gone-

Why?  I don’t even know myself, but probably because what I saw before through the distortion of the heat was the most beautiful display of love I had ever seen in my life.  As Hisoka threw his arms about Tsuzuki’s shoulders, then I knew this was what we could have been if only I had surrendered myself like Hisoka had just done.  In that moment, they were one, Tsuzuki came out of his suicidal trance, and they joined in spirit. 

That was when I saved them, because I wanted Tsuzuki and Hisoka to live, I could see the hope shining in their eyes.

Now as I look up from my paperwork and out of the window, I can see the distant figures of Tsuzuki, my dearest Tsuzuki Asato, and his lover, Kurosaki Hisoka, standing beneath the cherry blossoms.  Tsuzuki has his arms around Hisoka as they enjoy a small moment of comfort before their next assignment.  I almost want to pass this mission to someone else, I want to keep that smile on Tsuzuki’s face for a moment longer.

But nothing can wait forever, and I stride out of my office to call them inside into the meeting room.

All I can do now is watch over the man I love most in the world, and hope for his happiness with another.

Is all I own –

~*owari*~

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