Seishuku Skuld 
Author
Pairing
Rating
Subject
Series: X
by CLAMP
Pairing: Seishirou + Subaru
Warnings: Shounen-ai, spoilers for
vol. 16 of X and the end of Tokyo Babylon, superangst, deathfic
Author's
Note: Here's my balance to the super-fluffy Eclipse that I wrote. Since that fic
was fluffy, Seishirou has now requested an angsty fic. ^_^ Not my first
deathfic...but it always hurts writing one. O_O
It's really hard to dig into
Seishirou's mind. Gotta sit there for a while and sort everything out in
organized piles. ^_^ **grins** Well, I hope you enjoy it anyways. Comments,
criticisms, flames, suggestions, and monetary donations are always
appreciated.
Dedicated to: Ali-chan! ^_^ **grins** Because we rant on
forever and forever like fangirls about how cute Seishirou and Subaru are.
Ali-chan rules! **huggles**
Disclaimers: X and all its affiliated
characters, like Seishirou and Subaru, are owned by CLAMP. CLAMP owns me too. I
am slave to their terrible making-fangirls-moan-and-groan-y
whims.Beautiful Goodbye
//I wonder if the Sakurazukamori can be said to
have regrets. Maybe some of them did. Throughout the ages, there have been many
of us, all different people with their own opinions, paradigms, and subtleties.
Maybe not all of them were cold and heartless. Maybe some even found the elusive
flame called "love" which now seems to dominate the modern romantic myth. I
always laughed in the face of that concept, turned a shoulder and refused to
acknowledge its presence.//
//I wonder if the Sakurazukamori can be said
to have regrets. I don't know about my ancestors, and I couldn't care less. But
I know that there is at least one Sakurazukamori with at least one
regret.//
Seishirou lights a cigarette, admiring the thin sliver of light
in the darkness beneath the Tree. Its pink petals drift softly about him,
lodging in his hair and landing on his coat. He smiles as he puts the lighter
back in his pocket and brings out a white handkerchief. There is still blood in
his hand, but it has long since been cooled. He wipes most of it from his hands,
and makes a mental note to burn that kerchief as he puts it back in his
pocket.
There's a little counter that goes clink in his head, marking the
death of another victim, another mindless soul added to the myriad already
trapped inside the tree. Another day of the monotony. Another day gone by.
Seishirou idly wonders how many of those are left. He snorts quietly, waving
goodbye to the tree to head to his apartment. Another one of those
automaton-like actions he has performed day in and day out.
Yes, he says
to himself, how many of those are left? How many days before humanity is
destroyed and he can have his peace? He shrugs, it doesn't seem to really matter
to him. He is in high bad spirits tonight, not even the thrill of the kill can
cleanse the film of bitterness from his tongue.
He walks the darkest
streets and alleyways back to his apartment, lost in his own morose thoughts. He
pays no attention to where he turns, his feet walk, and he follows. He knows the
way well, having traveled it countless times. He nods, yes, countless.
Occasionally, a car will roar past with a blasting bass and blinding headlights,
but Seishirou pays it no heed. If he was in a better mood, he might have
attempted to give the tree two souls that night. But he doesn't entertain that
thought for long. Another death would only make the bitter taste intensify, and
he doesn't particularly feel like wallowing in self-pity tonight either.
Seishirou strips off his shirt as he enters his apartment, the
impeccable white stained with a dark scarlet. He tosses it to soak in the sink,
filling the bowl with cold water and a generous amount of bleach. When he was
younger, he would have sat and watched for hours as the blood diffused from his
clothing, coloring the water a faint crimson, like blood seeping from his
victim's wound all over again.
But not even that seems to entertain him
these days, he notes with a humorless grin at the smudges of vermilion ichor
along his chest and stomach. He turns on the shower and steps into it. He
quickly soaps his body, washes his hair, turns off the water, and reaches for a
towel. He showers efficiently and quickly: no wandering hands, as would have
been the case when he was younger. This too, deserves a humorless
grin.
Seishirou slips into his pajamas, a pair of loose, elegant black
silk bottoms. He tosses the towel on to the floor of his bedroom, and slides
into the bedsheets. Normally, he would still be out and about in the apartment,
nestled on the couch with a book or nursing a glass of fine French wine.
Tonight, he feels a particular weariness overcoming him, and decides to turn in
early.
With a last attempt at staying awake, Seishirou reaches inside
his mind to find the tenuous link that connects him to Sumeragi Subaru. Often,
the young man's antics have kept him up at night. Subaru has been an interesting
character over the years after his sister's death. Tonight, however, Subaru
seems weary too, and the boy is content to sit in his apartment, gazing out his
window. Subaru is still, hardly blinking, his breath nearly undetectable in his
quiet contemplation.
Seishirou snorts and lets their link drop. How
boring that the Sumeragi would choose this night, of all nights, to be sitting
in his apartment doing nothing but thinking. The Sakurazuka turns on his side
and closes his eyes.
"Goodnight, Subaru-kun," he murmurs in the
darkness, not expecting a response. But then again, he never did listen very
closely for one.
Seishirou loses track of the days, they fly past
him in a blur, each one virtually identical to the last. Another shirt in the
sink. Another kerchief he burns. He would have washed those too of course, but
that didn't satisfy his need for the dramatics. He prefers to watch those
fragile pieces of white and crimson cloth disappear, engulfed by flames. It
gives him a sense of finality, of the absolute. He's lost track of how many
handkerchiefs he's burned. But then again, since when did the Sakurazukamori
waste time on trivial matters like that?
Seishirou chuckles in the
darkness of his bedroom, looking upwards at what is presumably the ceiling. He
can't make it out, but he knows its there.
//Or do I?// Seishirou turns
this idea over in his mind. He can't sleep. He is even thankful for this little
break from his routine, although there could have been better ways.
//I
don't suppose I really know if the ceiling is there or not,// thinks Seishirou,
intrigued. //I can see the walls supporting the ceiling, but if I can't see it
or touch it, then I can't be sure if it's really there, can I?
//
Seishirou suppresses the urge to smile, though that thought seems
rather silly to the assassin. On a whim, he reaches out with his mind, and comes
into contact with the threads of magic that bind him to the young
Sumeragi.
//What are you up to tonight, my Subaru-kun?//
Ah,
Seishirou settles deeper into the warmth of his sheets. Subaru is doing some
interesting things tonight. The young onmyouji stands with his fists clenched in
his apartment, the chairs and table upset, the vase lying in pieces on the
floor, flowers forlorn and forgotten.
::Seishirou-san!:: Subaru shouts,
tears pouring down his cheeks. He throws himself against the wall with a sudden
capricious masochism.
Seishirou smiles, peering at the young man like a
scientist observing a lab specimen. How wonderful that Subaru finally rouses
himself from his idiotic contemplations. Seishirou expects a good show
tonight.
::Seishirou...san...:: the boy collapses against the wall, his
cheek pressed to the cold, flat surface, hands alternately clenching and
unclenching in his white coat. Subaru's body shakes with strangled sobs, and he
buries his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking.
::Hokuto-chan...::
//Do you want to kill me now, my little Subaru-kun?//
Seishirou wonders, almost aloud. //Is that truly your wish?// But he cannot
speak to Subaru through the link, he can barely hear the boy's voice through the
magic. Had he cast a stronger spell in the beginning, he could have bound the
boy closer to him, could have been able to access the boy's emotions and
possibly even his thoughts. But it is a little too late for that, Seishirou
sighs. He contents himself with watching the movements of the young Sumeragi as
he speculates on what could possibly be running through Subaru's
head.
Subaru gets up from the floor after his sobbing has stopped.
Seishirou sees that the boy is tired, exhausted, both physically and mentally.
//Tough job today, probably//, Seishirou muses. He begins to lose interest now
that the Sumeragi has calmed himself.
Subaru heaves a sigh, and closes
his eyes. Seishirou notes that he is still crying, and turns his full attention
back to the young man. Suddenly Subaru throws a fist back, and punches the
window beside him. There is a tinkling of glass shattering, and carmine blood
dripping to the moonlighted carpet. Subaru curses under his breath, his anger
unabated.
::Seishirou-san...where are you? I know you're listening, you
bastard. I know you're watching me. Stop hiding and show yourself, dammit!
::
Seishirou laughs. How cute Subaru is when he does that. The smile
spreads across the dark onmyouji's face. Subaru ranted like that often, thinking
Seishirou was watching him. Seishirou was, most of the time, when it suited his
whim. When it didn't, he just let the magic dissolve and Subaru would probably
rant onwards until the wee small hours of the morning. Seishirou never responded
to those little tauntings, he had little desire to. Pretending to ignore the
Sumeragi provided much more enjoyable results.
::I know you're out there,
Seishirou-san...even though I can't see you. ::
//No, you don't, my
little Subaru-kun. Because you can't see me, you're stabbing in the dark. You
can't see me nor sense me, so you can't be sure I'm here.//
::I'll find
you one day, Seishirou-san. Or will you come out now and kill me? Isn't that
what you wish for? COME OUT AND KILL ME, SEISHIROU-SAN! :: Subaru shouts that
out, looking at the blood oozing from his pale hand. He laughs bitterly, wiping
the tears from his cheeks, smearing blood on his face.
//Useless words,
from a pitiful little boy.// Seishirou snorts. What possibly could Subaru know
about him? What could Subaru know about his wish? Seishirou realizes he has to
push down a rushing torrent of anger which has begun abruptly rising within him.
He drops the link with the Sumeragi, and leaves the young man to his own
devices.
Yes, Seishirou nods to the darkness, Subaru knows nothing of
his wish. He never could, until the final moment. Or maybe he never would. That
idea made Seishirou smile. To hold Subaru beside him even in death, to keep the
Sumeragi eternally wondering about workings of his mind. That would certainly,
he admitted, be a dramatic exit fitting for the last Sakurazuka. It would bring
such meaning to the dull life he had been living for these thirty odd
years.
Seishirou grins as he rolls over and begins to fall asleep. Yes,
this night has been productive, has thankfully broken the tedium of the past few
days, and kept him in sight of his goal.
//Subaru-kun,// Seishirou thinks
before he disappears underneath the haze of slumber, //my feelings for you will
never be requited.// It is a statement, and not a question. There is no shadow
of doubt. He knows very well that although Subaru is important to him, the boy
reciprocates no such feelings. //But at the very least, I can leave you with
something of me. So that you'll never forget what we could have had if I hadn't
walked away.//Rainbow Bridge. Why am I here? Seishirou asks
himself, not really finding an articulate answer, but instead some strange
emotion stirring within. Yes, that's right. He nods. There still blood on his
hands, though it has long since gone cold. The scarlet fluid coats his fingers,
but he pays it no heed. The blood of his last victim deserves to stay on his
hands, untouched, uncleansed. A final salute to Sakurazuka Seishirou.
He
sees an unmistakable figure on the bridge, the familiar white coat rustling in
the wind. Subaru lights a cigarette and smokes it, knowing for certain who is
about to arrive. Still, the Sakurazuka is unexpected, coming from behind the
young Sumeragi and grasping his hand in their typical sensual play.
There is a momentary pause where neither party moves, simply watching
the smoke from the cigarette wafting into the lazy breeze above the bridge.
Subaru's eye flashes toward the end of his cigarette, and breaks the
silence.
"The ash is going to fall on your hand," he says quietly to
Seishirou.
"You're worried about that, my Subaru-kun? You're still such
a kind person," Seishirou says, glancing down at the onmyouji through dark
sunglasses, a small smile upturning the corners of his mouth.
//How
different from the naïve boy you once were, Subaru-kun...// Seishirou notes with
an ironic smile. //How much have you changed because of me? How much pain did
you feel at the loss of your right eye at Fuuma's hands?//
"I've
changed..." Subaru says, turning his head to look at Seishirou. There is a
particular anxious gleam in his eyes, like a caged animal waiting to be set
free. He turns around, sliding out from the circle that Seishirou's arms form.
"You changed me," Subaru says, moving his hand from Seishirou's grasp. Seishirou
notes that the young onmyouji's face shows no emotion, save for the single eye
staring defiantly at him.
Seishirou smiles, this encounter with Subaru
certain is proving interesting. He decides to needle the young Sumeragi a bit,
agitate the man, wondering what response he will elicit.
"But you don't
care, do you?" Seishirou says, letting his voice drip with nonchalance. He
strides closer to Subaru, and gently takes the cigerette from him. Seishirou
lifts the thing to his mouth, taking a long drag, making sure that Subaru can
see the crimson blood dripping from his fingers in large, thick
droplets.
"You've killed someone here, haven't you?" Subaru accuses
Seishirou with a soft whisper. Seishirou looks at the boy through his dark
shades, saying nothing, but noting the look of suffering and sadness on Subaru's
face. The boy is biting his lip, as if stopping himself from saying something
inflammatory. Seishirou almost wants to go to the young Sumeragi and takes him
in his arms, but he stops himself. Subaru has no such feelings for him, he
knows.
There is a long silence that passes between them. Seishirou
continues to smoke, feeling the buildup of energy around him. With a crash, the
overcast clouds open up and a bolt of white lightning crashes down upon Rainbow
Bridge. It begins.
Subaru reaches into his coat, pulling out several of
his ofuda. He casts them at Seishirou, the pieces paper of changing into white
bird-like shikigami in mid-flight. Seishirou counters with his own shield, his
spell throwing a huge pentacle in front of him. The Sumeragi's shikigami are
turned aside, flying past the Sakurazuka in a series of explosions along the
rest of the length of Rainbow Bridge.
Seishirou drops his shield, smiling
easily. He is unruffled, his power more than a match for the onmyouji. The heat
of battle upon him, Subaru opens his hands and closes his eyes, a green kekkai
in the shape of a star springing forth and enveloping the
bridge.
Seishirou smiles as the world suddenly turns quiet and grey from
within Subaru's kekkai. He says nothing, but is impressed with Subaru's instinct
to protect the people of Tokyo, despite humanity's impending death.
Both
onmyouji leap into the air, Subaru throws more of his power at the Sakurazuka.
Again, Seishirou merely forms a shield, letting the magic bounce harmlessly to
the side. He watches Subaru's shikigami fly into the bridge, toppling an entire
section of the structure.
They alight in different pieces of the rubble,
facing each other. Subaru is breathing hard from the exertions, but he makes no
move towards Seishirou. The older man merely smiles and lifts a finger, calling
forth illusory sakura petals which fall about them. Subaru frowns, his single,
unbandaged eye darting around, looking for Seishirou's next attack which he
feels will surely come.
Subaru starts as tendrils reach out of nowhere,
ensnaring his limbs and lifting him from the ground. The dark strings of power
solidify into the vines of the Sakura Tree, twisting about his chest and nearly
obscuring his view of Seishirou.
Subaru pulls an ofuda from his sleeve,
and slits his thumb on the paper, in an effort to concentrate in breaking the
spell. He drops as he releases himself from the illusion, landing cat-like on
the debris of Rainbow Bridge.
"There is no need to do that," Subaru says,
skeins of his white bandage unwinding and flapping in the stale, unearthly wind
of the kekkai. "I was always bound to the Sakurazuka estate."
"Oh?"
Seishirou raises an eyebrow, taking off his glasses to get a good look at the
Sumeragi in the overcast strange unworldly light. He smiles slightly, his mind
attempting to work out the Sumeragi in his last moments. "Isn't it your wish to
kill me?" he asks, almost as if uncertain that would be the Sumeragi's true
wish.
"You're mistaken," Subaru replies, as the bandage flies from his
head and drifts through the air past Seishirou's face. The Sakurazuka makes no
movement as he meets Subaru's defiant eye. There is no feeling of wavering doubt
in Subaru's voice, and he continues to stare directly at the Sakurazuka with an
air of quiet confidence and patience.
Seishirou pauses, wondering what
Subaru's words meant. Then he brushes them aside, Subaru's wish no longer
matters to him. Didn't Subaru want to kill him? Subaru would get his wish. But
Subaru's new words puzzled him. If Subaru's wish was not to kill him, then what
was it? He remembered Fuuma saying that the other onmyouji's wish was entirely
different from his own, and one that only he could grant. Nevertheless,
Seishirou jumps, rising into the air, watching the Sumeragi follow suit.
//It's too late for regrets,// Seishirou says to himself as he nears the
Sumeragi. Subaru gazes back at him coolly, accepting his fate. //Sayonara,
Subaru-kun.// He draws his hand back, feeling his hand against Subaru's chest,
and then a white flash of light and a sudden explosion of
pain.
***
//You know Subaru-kun...I always wanted this.// Seishirou is
pressed against Subaru, his arms draped about the Sumeragi, holding him close.
He can feel the Sumeragi's hand through his chest, a result of the reflection of
Hokuto's last spell she cast. The thrust was perfectly aimed for a killing blow;
Seishirou never missed. He smiles, feeling but not seeing the shock on the young
Sumeragi's face.
Subaru's one eye opens wide as he registers the feeling
of his hand through Seishirou's chest, the blood on the man's impeccable trench
coat, the warmth of blood on his cheek. In less than a moment, his entire world
topples, and he can do nothing but withdraw his hand.
Seishirou, without
any strength left his body, falls forward. Subaru catches him, still staring
incredulously at the limp form of the dying Sakurazuka in his
arms.
"H...how?" Subaru breathes, his voice barely audible.
"It
was..." Seishirou struggles to lift his head, finding it difficult to breathe.
He meets Subaru's gaze, his face betraying him and showing his pain and his
regret. They are looks which he thought he would never wear, and he smiles at
the irony of it. "It was your sister, and the final spell she gave her life to
cast." Seishirou speaks in a labored fashion, drawing air to his pierced lungs.
It is pure pain to speak, but nevertheless he continues, because Subaru has
asked him a question. This the last time he will be able to answer.
"Your
sister wanted it so that...when the time came...and I tried to kill you in the
manner I killed her...that..." and Seishirou breaks off with a small cough,
bringing his hand up to his chest, to feel surely his own vermilion livelihood
spilling out between his fingers.
"That the spell would be reflected up
on me instead." Seishirou smiles at the memory of Subaru's twin sister, dying in
his arms, pressed against his chest, as he was now to Subaru. "And now...you and
I are like a reflection of the past, aren't we? Except that...it was Hokuto-chan
that day... who had her heart pierced like this..."
Subaru's arms feel
suddenly warm about him, and he leans further forwards into the Sumeragi's
embrace.
Subaru begins to speak, his words coming slowly, for he is
still in shock. "After you killed Hokuto-chan and disappeared...I intended to
kill you." His grip on Seishirou's coat tightens, as if he could clasp Seishirou
closer to him and save him somehow. "I tried my best to erase you...from within
my heart." The Sumeragi lowers his head, feeling tears form at his eye and his
throat constrict.
"But I couldn't do it..." Subaru continues, his voice
shaken by grief, by the reality of Seishirou dying in his arms. "Even if I was
nothing more to you than a pebble, even if you felt nothing more for me than
just a twig to step on...even so..." Subaru presses his face into Seishirou's
shoulder drinking in deeper the scent of the man and the scent of his blood. "So
I thought I wanted you to kill me." He holds Seishirou close to him, in defeat,
his hope flying from him as surely as Seishirou's blood is slowly seeping from
his body.
"Even if you forgot about me...even if I was just one of the
countless sacrifices to the tree...at least it..." Subaru chokes up, his voice
cut off by the sobs racking his body. "At least, it would have been
you."
Seishirou's breath stops at these words, at the realization of what
Subaru has said to him. Though his mind is sluggish, it still works through his
wrongs, his mistakes, presenting them to him a high tragical entrée. He swallows
his regret. He swallows his mistakes. He swallows his blindness. Had he known
earlier, he wonders if after all, Subaru could have been with him. Had he known
that he was so important to Subaru, he would have tried to save the boy from his
fate. But now...now it was too late...the feeling rips at Seishirou's chest,
tearing him asunder and hurting more than a thousand piercings could have. But
he keeps all this to himself. Because it can't be helped now.
Seishirou
lifts one bloody hand up with the last reserves of his strength, and he cups
Subaru's cheek gently. "Now that I think about it...you've never been able to
kill anyone...because you're so kind." He looks up, meets Subaru's shocked
gaze.
//I can't die without telling him.// Seishirou leans forward,
feeling the strength being drained from his body, feeling his own warm blood
pouring about his legs. He is not scared, nor is he dreading this moment, but he
waits for it with patience, trusting himself, trusting his
Subaru-kun.
"Subaru-kun...I...You..."
His vision fades but he
knows that he can still whisper into Subaru's ear. He doesn't need to see it to
know. He doesn't need to see Subaru to know he is there and listening intently.
He doesn't need to see Subaru's feelings for him to know they're there. He
smiles, wrapping himself in irony.
//This is the final token that I
leave you with, my beloved Subaru-kun. This is my final regret. I want you to
remember it forever, because without that memory, my love for you was all for
nothing.//
"Aishiteru," Seishirou says, in a voice that no longer seems
his own, a voice that fades with the last syllable, a voice that floats high
above him as he is cast into eternal darkness.
Then Seishirou is still,
the flow of blood stops, and Subaru is left with his kekkai dissolving about
him, and the lifeless corpse of the only man he had ever come to love in the
world. He hugged the shell that was Sakurazuka Seishirou close to him, grasping
desperately at the hair, the clothes, the cold blood in an effort to preserve
his memory. And he looked at the man's quiet face, the slight smile, and all the
hows, whys, and wherefores of the world passed through him in an
instant.
"You never...say the words I'm expecting to hear, do
you?"
***
//Despite all our attempts, nothing lasts forever, does it,
Subaru-kun? Not even our farcical relationship, our mistakes, or our regrets.
But I'll keep them to myself. I'm fed up with my destiny, fed up with watching
my days burn like the bloody pieces of cloth I wipe my hands on. Fed up with
sleeping fitfully at night, without the warmth of your would-be confessions. I
hope you will find it somewhere in you to forgive me, Subaru-kun. Now I wonder
how I could have walked away from you, and stayed away all those years. All the
things we never said, I'll cherish them in the world of have-nots and
would-have-beens.//
Seishuku Skuld
Author
Pairing
Rating
Subject
