Rating: R

KamuixFuma, angst, & some citrus content! Whoo-hoo!

This is my first songfic, and comments would be greatly appreciated. But please, be gentle. ^_~. ""Shadowboxer"" was written and performed by Fiona Apple. Lyrics in italics, thoughts in apostrophes.

Shadowboxer

Once my lover, now my friend.

What a cruel thing to pretend……

The final days were closing in. I supposed my role had been decided. They believed--all of them, even the incredibly brash Sorata--that I was this powerful being, that my gifts rivaled those of gods. And perhaps they did. But if it was true, then why was I pulled into this war against my will? Why had I no say in my destiny? Why did the Dragons of Heaven think that I was their savior when it was so painfully obvious that I was helpless? Why didn''t I know what to do with myself? But the question that beated in time with my heart, with my feet on the sidewalk, with the wind that rustled my hair and howled in my ears, is this one, this one above all others: Why don''t I know how to protect those I love?

What a cunning way to condescend……

They all died. Everyone I touched. Mr. And Mrs. Monou. My aunt. My mother. I tried so hard to keep away from Kotori and Fuma, so that my poison wouldn''t infect them, but it was useless. Again, I was helpless as they invaded my life. And now, now after all the battles and all of my struggling, after I tried so hard to protect her, Kotori died, too. My best friend, her own brother, murdered her. I had lost him, too. I had lost everything.

On the other hand, you know what they saw about a man who has nothing to lose.

Once my lover, and now my friend……

I woke to reality to find myself in a park. I don''t really remember how I got there. Blind wandering can do that to you. It was quite dark, but the street lamps were on, casting a serene glow on the landscape, illuminating my pale skin. I looked down at my hands. Thin fingers, skin that clung closely to the bones. I was getting thinner. I didn''t eat as much as I should anymore.

I looked up again as a pink petal drifted over my nose. I plucked it off and examined it. There were so many sakura trees here. The illusions and dreams were always accompanied by the blossoms. And the illusions were usually those sent from the Harbingers. It wasn''t safe for me to be walking around so late at night.

Oh, you creep up like the clouds……

""It isn''t safe to be walking so late at night,"" a voice as smooth as silk and dangerous as a knife rippled from the darkness. I watched intently as Fuma''s tall, strong form appeared, cloaked in a dark uniform very much like mine. He stepped out from the shadows and into the lamplight. I should have felt an intense fear, but I did not.

And you set my soul at ease……

I stared at him, my face expressionless even as a war raged within me. I was suddenly relieved to see him, but also nervous.

''What does he want?'' How I hated this, being suspicious of him! ''We should be friends, not enemies! Oh, Fuma! Fuma, what happened to you? Why should I want to save a world that could play such a cruel game, that could turn my once-caring, gentle friend into a killer?''

He didn''t look like he wanted to harm me, but Fuma''s true intentions were anyone''s guess. I no longer knew him. I began to lose some of my composure as he advanced. I thought of Kotori, my childhood sweetheart. I missed her; I bemoaned her death, but something inside me was glad. I shuddered, looking at Fuma''s face, realizing something that I wasn''t sure I wanted to admit to myself: I was glad that Fuma, at least, was still alive.

""Did you hear me?"" He breathed, lips parting slightly. ""It isn''t safe for you to be out here, all alone, in the dark, unprotected."" His voice held no mockery or threat.

''If I speak, I might…… I didn''t even know what might happen to me. Shall I cut him apart with rhetoric, or try to win him back by groveling? Or shall I simply scream? Wail unintelligibly, and fall to my knees before him?'' I tried to regard him silently, but my body didn''t obey me. His name slipped past my lips, desperately and reverently, like a prayer. ""Fuma……""

He was suddenly before me, his arms around me, holding me like he used to, when he was worried about me.

Then you let your love abound……

I wanted, more than anything, for this to be genuine. ''Give me this one moment,'' I begged whatever powers exist in the universe, ''lock me in time and space. Freeze me here eternally, so long as we don''t have to fight!'' I begged them. I, Kamui, begged.

And you bring me to my knees……

""I am not Fuma. Not anymore. Something has happened to me, Kamui."" He whispered. He had said this to me before, but this time it was gentle. He sounded like the boy I used to know. His voice was thick with emotion, his eyes wide. I saw my own marine eyes reflected in his. ''Can this possibly be real?'' My thoughts were spinning. ''Oh please,'' I begged, ''oh please. Let him come back!''

""I don''t know who I am. Part of me wants to be Fuma, but another part insists on being what I can only call ''Kamui.'' I don''t understand any of this. The Harbingers…… They won''t explain it to me. One moment all I can think of is destroying, and the next, I want to kill myself for thinking such thoughts! Kamui, I don''t understand this. Why do I want to be this violent creature called ''Kamui?'' I can only think of you when I think of this name, and you are not this creature. And when I think of you, my emotions go in every direction. I can''t stop thinking about you. It''s…… an obsession. Kamui, I''m going insane! When I think of you……"" His rants faded into soft sobs. I stared at his amber eyes as they narrowed in grief, as tears spilled over the lovely yet masculine planes of his face. He buried his face in my chest, hunching over. I cradled him to me.

Oh, it''s evil babe, the way you let your grace enrapture me……

Fuma must have been in this confused state because I was in such a confused state. Whenever I had doubts, Fuma surfaced from the depths, beating down the dark angel that had possessed his body. I loved him, and I hated the world. But how long could we play this out, before the war reached its last battle? There must be a conclusion.

When well you know, I''d be insane--

to ever let that dirty game recapture me……

He was literally using me as his only support. He had pressed his face down into the crook of my neck, his arms around my waist, breathing in great gulps. His weight proved to be too much for me, and my knees buckled. We ended up on the ground. I was on my knees, and he still covered me, bearing me down. His body blanketed mine. I loved the feel of it. I felt like I had my friend back. I must have been insane. I must. A conclusion was sure to come, yet I was sure I wanted nothing more than to stay here with Fuma, my Fuma of the days long gone. He was a giant compared to me, yet soft and pliant in my arms. I suddenly wanted to know everything. I wanted know what he thought, what he viewed life as. Did ''Kamui'' share the view of the Dragons of the Earth?

""Fuma,"" I whispered gently; his name rolled off my lips sweetly. ""Fuma, tell me about ''Kamui.''""

He lifted his face and looked down at me. His lips were slightly swollen where the tears had touched them, the end of his pointed nose slightly red. He looked like a hurt little boy, but he steadied himself with a breath and obeyed me.

""Kamui…… He haunts my days and my nights."" One arm tightened about my waist, drawing me up against his body. The other hand brushed my face, tracing its contours. I was unnerved by this, but his actions seemed gentle, so I ignored it. ""I can''t stop thinking about him. Whatever storm has me, you are the eye of it, Kamui."" My eyes widened slightly at this. ''He misunderstood me. He thinks I want him to talk about me!''

He kept talking, his fingers still on my face. ""Through it all, I see you. When the winds grab me, I want to do violent things to you. I want to kill you. I want to see your blood flow over my hands, feel it over my lips. I want to taste it.""

You made me a shadowboxer, baby.

I wanna be ready for what you do.

I been swinging all around me,

''Cause I don''t know when you''re gonna make your move.

This made me nervous, but still, I wasn''t afraid. There was more to this story, and I wanted to hear it. His eyes focused, narrowed in concentration. ""When the winds have me, it''s always violent. I don''t always want to kill you. Sometimes I fervently want to be with you. Just snatch you up, kidnap you, kicking and screaming, and take you somewhere remote, like a desert or a jungle. And other times…… I want to do more drastic things.""

Oh, your gaze is dangerous……

He swallowed, not meeting my eyes. ""I see you in the storm, Kamui, and I can''t help but think how beautiful you are. I want to tie you down, and make you mine. Rape you, even, as long as it means that you''re a part of me."" His cheeks flushed. He was embarrassed by this. He didn''t want to reveal it to me, but he did, simply because I had----inadvertently-- asked him to. ""But when the storm doesn''t have me, I still think of you, and all I can do then is hope and pray that you''re all right, that I haven''t done any of the things ''Kamui'' fantasizes about.""

And you fill your space so sweet……

''I can''t help but think how beautiful you are…… make you mine…… you''re a part of me. Is my Fuma saying all this?''

If I let you get too close……

I had always felt strangely toward him. I had promised Kotori I would be her ''bride'' when I was little, but I would have done the same for Fuma. I would still do the same for Fuma. I loved him. I''d always known it.

You''ll set your spell on me...

My love for Kotori was innocent, that of babes; my love for her brother was desperate, as agonizing as starving to death.

So darlin'' I just wanna say

Just in case I don''t come through……

""Fuma, you''ve never seriously harmed me."" I let all of my memories of his violence towards me slide away, all the times he caught me around the throat, bruised it, yet held me close, as if contemplating, halting.

I was on to every play……

""If anything, I harmed you. I got you into this mess, and I''m so sorry. I''m so sorry."" I held him to me, and feverishly kissed his face. He was shaking with emotion.

I gently kissed his mouth, lightly sucking on his lower lip, hoping he wouldn''t push me away, amazed at my own initiative. He kissed me back after a moment. He pulled away almost as quickly to press his forehead against mine. ""I love you, Kamui. I do."" And he stole my breath away.

I just wanted you……

Our kisses were fierce, yet sweet. His mouth crushed mine, and I wanted it. Our tongues clung together. His hands were all over me, my clothes, underneath my clothes; he was molesting me in public. And I was moaning. I breathed his name and threw my head back. I loved the feel of his silken lips on my skin. ''If only, if only, if only. Let this go on forever. I have him now, I have my darling Fuma.''

But oh, it''s so evil, my love, the way you''ve

No reverence for my concern……

But then the kisses grew rough.

His hand locked around the back of my head, his long fingers twining themselves through my hair. He wrenched my head back so that my neck was fully exposed. After a quick, painful bite to it, he stared down at me. His eyes were like ice.

''Kamui'' had returned. I wanted to sob.

""Kamui and Kamui, together at last,"" He breathed, a throaty whisper.

So I''ll be sure to stay wary of you, love……

Those words would have been erotic if not for those hard, dead eyes boring into mine. I closed my eyes and felt tears fall from them even as I did so. Using all the resolve I could muster, I summoned a blast to sever our tangled bodies.

To save the pain of

Once my flame and twice my burn...

He fell away from me, recovering gracefully. He pulled himself up, his lips bruised as much as mine from the intensity of our kisses. ""Fuma,"" I sobbed to him.

""Not Fuma, not anymore."" He said. ""You''d do well to remember that."" Then he raised one of his hands--hands that had been tangled in my hair, caressing my body, my face--blew me a kiss, and vanished in the darkness again.

I sat where I was, shaking. After an hour--or was it two or three?--I got up, and started to make my way home. So close, yet so far.

Helpless again.

I walked by many a passerby, my clothes disheveled from his hands, my lips bruised from his kisses, and my face stained with tears. Did they stare at me? I don''t know. I don''t care. I could only think that had lost him, most likely for good this time, and that I was helpless. ''Useless, and helpless again.''

You made me a shadowboxer, baby,

I wanna be ready for what you do.

I can only hope that there is no such thing as destiny. That our fates are not foreordained. That I am not helpless.

I been swinging all around me

I realized another thing that evening: it''s a cruel little world when you have to keep your fists up to protect yourself from the one you love the most.

''Cause I don''t know when you''re gonna make your move.

~End~

Seraph Author Pairing Rating Subject